Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Life As I Know It- September 24, 2011

My life as I know it today:

An introduction of sorts, I am half a century old in 13 days I will be half a century plus one. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, great-aunt and cousin.

To begin at the begining I am the eldest child of five, I was followed by two brothers and then by two sisters. I became a mother before I became an aunt, giving birth to two children while quite young. My two were followed a few years later my a girl, three boys then a pair of girls.

I am now great-aunt to three as of yesterday and grand-mother of four. I have over 200 cousins that I know of and that is only first and second cousins I have no idea how many third cousins I have. Oh and I should say that is only my fathers side of the family, I do not know how many from my mothers side.

My life has been anything but easy, though I admit remarkably free of jail time and hard drugs. In that I think I just got lucky. My doctor says its because I turned my anger inward and hurt myself rather than striking out at what is called society. Be that as it may I still claim that I got lucky.

Where to go from here, should I tell you about luck or about the anger. I think you are probably more curious about the anger as that is something you can relate to, luck is spotty and more often bad than good for most people. I have been fortunate that mixed in with the bad I've had all kinds of good.

Back to anger. If I were to sum myself up in one word I would call myself a Survivor. Incest survivor (4x), mental abuse survivor (3X), physical abuse survivor, (thankfully only once). Alcoholic, smoker, sex addict. Been married three times, once by the church (7 yrs) and twice as commom-law (5 yrs and 13 yrs), yet the most devastating relationship I had only lasted two years. I know that makes it commom-law but I refuse to call that man husband ever! I will explain that in a bit. So I feel justified in calling myself a Survivor though both #3 and the doctor say I may have survived but not well.

It matters not what they think it is what I feel, I am a Survivor not just a survivor.

The sexual abuse began quite early in my life, I was about three when the first incident happened. There was another around age 7. The others occured after my 11th birthday when my body began to mature. The last incident occured when I was 20 and I left my mothers house for good. I call them incest because all but the first was one of my mothers brothers. The one when I was seven was her father. That I hardly know my mothers family is not surprising when you put that into the equation.

My parents were my first mental abusers, they did not realize that that was what they were doing but that doesn't make it any less real. The second one was the man I refuse to call husband and in two years he pushed me into a mental breakdown and it was intentional on his part. The third one was the one I married and his mental abuse came in a different form. He called it lonliness and devotion, I called it stalking. I couldn't even go to work without that man turning up sometime during my shift. The last straw was when I went for my first and last ladies day out and he followed me to my sister-in-laws house.

Living with an alcoholic father that I would have alcohol related issues was inevitable. That it took my mothers death for it to become a full blown addiction is a blessing in disguise. Why? Because it was easier for me to control and eventually stop since I was more mature when I began.Still I drank from the time I was old enough up to about 10 years ago.

Both my parents smoked but it wasn't until I was well into my 20's before I began to smoke. Again since I was such a late bloomer, (so to speak), it was easier for me to eventually stop. I had one relapse and it took me five years to stop but I did it. Ten years from beginning I was smoke free and have been so for fifteen years.

Which brings me to the sex addict... Up until just now I would not have called myself that. In the beginning I had sex and love all mixed up and thought you needed one to get the other. Eventually I was able to seperate the two. I still took sex when ever I could find it but I knew that sex would not earn me love. It really doesn't work that way. I am cured, I suppose, but the cure came through chemical means not self-control. Between the change of live and the depression medication my libido has been successfully stifled.

Ah depression so much a part of my life that I didn't even put it in my list. I have been chemically depressed since I was around 13. It seems that when my body began develping something got short-circuted in my brain and now I need my daily pills to keep the brain chemistry working the way it is supposed to. Even so I still have days and sometimes weeks when it is all I can do to stay awake and functioning. Trust me on this, even 10 cups of coffee can't get me up and moving on my really bad days.

So far you have read about everyone except the last man, the one I was with for 13 years. With his help I stopped smoking, stopped drinking and even stopped chasing sex since he was always there and ready when I needed it. Also because I knew he loved me and still does even without the sex. He is still an active partner in my life we just don't live together any more. We seem much better as friends than we ever did as a couple. We were friends before we became a couple and we would not have become a couple if he hadn't been so good in the bedroom, (at least in the beginning).

I have not mentioned my children or grand-children in any defined way yet. I am getting tired and I think you may be too so I'll wind it up for today

No comments:

Post a Comment