Friday, December 16, 2011

Dec 16, 2011

I have been pre-occupied for the last week or so with a number of life questions.

Perciptated by several changes in my life I have been asking myself what next. With 2012 coming within 15 days and all the talk surrounding it I have been forcrd to re-evaluate several of my core beleifs. That and having reached 51 I guess.

I moved upstairs in my building because I was looking for a way to make room for exercise and they are slightly bigger. With a few minor changes I can have a small exercise area in this room which would have been impossible in the room I was in.

Of course with the move upward also came a couple of different changes. First and foremost my neighbors on this floor are not as friendly as the ones downstairs which is a releif in one way and not so great in others. The other thing is that the landlord and I had our first disagreement. It is not a big thing but it may cause a few problems down the road since I basically live & die by my internet connection and that is what we argued about. I hope we will be able to come to a mutually satisfactory agreement. I am sure we can though I am likely to make a lot of people angry with me.

After the argument my flight instinct when into high gear. I beleive I have persuaded my inner child that we have to stop running away and start making the best of the here and now. Certainly after a good nights sleep the urge seems to have gone back to it's usual level. Yes I always feel like I need to get away, go somewhere else as fast as I can when I am feeling upset about something. It is a pattern I have followed since I was about ten. I think it is high time to stop running and start making the best of where I am. My inner child disagrees of course, she still beleives that someday we will be able to out run our problems. Me on the other hand, well lets just say that I've reached the point where I am tired of trying to out run myself. I want to stop running and deal with them. I aman any where near my family with all of their issues getting too old to move every 12 monthslet alone every six as I have over the last couple of years.

I like it here and while I am not looking forward to winter I would still rather be here then near my family with all of their issues. At least here the only one I really have to answer to is myself. The professor and the others can give me advise but I choose what I am going to do. It is a nice feeling not being answerable to any one but myself. But you may say yo do not need to leave your family to achieve that level of independance it is yours by right. That may be right in your world but I have always put others before myself and my needs second to those who were closest to me. Here I do not have to do that, basically I can't do that because I am too far away to be of any help. I also don't have a lot of money so I can't provide financial support to my butterfly and my tweety when they ask or their children either.

I have supported my butterfly most of her 33 years and when she turned thirty I decided it was time to stop providing support. However I actually had to move a couple of hundred miles away from her to do it. My tweety is a hard working man with a lot of pride and he very seldom asks me for help so of course on those rare occasions he did ask I felt obligated to provide assistance, here and now I can't do that any more.

I should not have taken a break to eat, whatever I was thinking about is gone. I guess I worked through some of it though since I can't think of anything else.

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