Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Years Eve

As I hoped I will be all alone this year as the Old year becomes the New. It may seem strange to you but the fact is it will be the first time in my whole 51 years. The first time ever I have spent New Years without any company save my own. I am hoping that I will be able to be productive during this period. I need to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life which are just not comfortable, (correct).

Odd that choice of word but it is accurate. I am on a course that is headed nowhere and I need to correct it, I want to correct it. I want my silver and gold years to mean more than all the other years that have come before. The problem for me is that I am very much a spur of the moment person so following a plan doesn't work well for me. Yes I know about self-discipline I'm just not very good at it. Nor am I very good about following directions from someone else, I eventually begin to resent the person ordering me around even though I asked them for help. It is part of the problems between the professor and I, he is bossy and when I met him that is what I wanted but now it isn't and both of us have difficulty communicating especially when it is about feelings. Yes me, a woman, I have difficulty expressing my true emotions, surprise!

Maybe not so surprising given how my life has gone. But it is a barrier, a very big barrier. It is the one of the things I can point to and say this impedes my progress. Point to it, evaluate it but still stuck trying to get passed it. I think the motivation is there but perhaps not enough will power...

I have spent the last two weeks avoiding any serious thought. Avoiding it by burying myself in Cafe World and Solitare and TV and reading. Anything to keep from thinking serious thought or making any effort to write out plans for 2012. As my mother would say, What's the point, plans never work. At least that was her experience and mine too.

Yet I am driven to try. It is a deeply engrained habit here in the western world. Sometimes I wish I had been born in a poor country then I would not have a head full of so much nonsense regarding how life should be I'd be too concerned with survival of my body and any children I had that were still alive.

I often think about that or rather the Canadian version. Find some goverment land, and squat on it, make my living from nature without electricity or running water. No computers or any other things we take for granted here in the civilized part of the country. Do you know that most of the major cities in Canada are situated near one of the great lakes or an ocean. If you look at a map the major population density of our country is close to the US/ Canadian border, seldom more than a few hundred miles in fact.

I was a little startled by that when I looked at the map trying to figure out if I wanted to go North or back east. I considered the Praries but I spent a few weeks in Alberta and I missed the evergreens in my younger years so I decided against them unless I made the jump all the way to BC. South is very definitly out, I don't have a passport and here in Hamilton I am as close to the border as I want to get.

Something to come back to later. If you have been reading my blog for awhile you will have noticed the entries from the Crafters Devotional. Though I like them and have found them useful the book only covers 366 days and I do not like repeating myself, so what to do? I have a couple of other books that also have 366 days worth of things to do and a few 52 week ones as well. My problem as always is as useful as a plan is I get bored of doing the same thing every week or similar things anyway. The Devotional has allowed me to get back to crafting and yet... it is not right to share things from books without permission and even when I put it in my own words it is still a form of plagerism. The problem for me is that I seem to be creatively blocked, I need something to give me an idea, once I have an idea I can create something of my own based on it but I really, really need that input.

These days I have been playing a little with watercolor and collage. Oddly or maybe not so oddly I have not been able to share them. I am afraid that they would make no sense or just look like a big mess to others, also some of them are quite personal. I know other bloggers do not have difficulty sharing their personal pages but I do. It comes back to my trust issues I think. Irregardless I am doing stuff but I don't feel there is really any place for it here on the internet or any where else either except under lock and key in my home.

My original blog got trashed around mid September. I can not remember if I deleted it or if there were other issues, either way it was gone. When I started this on I decided that I would make it less about me and more about the things I make, unfortunatly if you look at the cloud to the right you will see the category Life is bigger that the others, that is because I just can't seem to stop putting my thoughts out there. It gives me a place to vent. It also gives me a place to present ideas, notions and feelings to others who might be where I was a few years ago. Feeling, lost and alone even in a crowd.

By sharing this I feel that I am contributing something and I can only hope that you the reader get some comfort or knowledge from it as well.

Happy New Year and I'll see you in 2012!

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