Monday, December 31, 2012

7:22 AM December 31st 2012

This being the story of my day on the last day of 2012 the year that the incan calendar stopped. In truth a bit of a retrospective of the year gone by and a look into the future I hope for.

To begin with today has started badly for me. I was still awake at 12:30 AM and I only slept until about 3AM when I woke up with a tickle in my throat that wouldn't go away even after coughing and dry heaving for an hour. Eventually I remembered that peppermint is supposed to settle an irritated stomach so I dug out a candy cane. It helped enough that I was able to sleep until 6 AM when my alarm went off. I turned it off and laid back down but couldn't get back to sleep between the pain in my hip from tripping over the baby gate and Coco's whining. Eventually at 7ish I went downstairs intent on taking her out but Bently had to go too. I hooked him up and she started barking at full volume and jumped the baby gate to join Bently & I. I clipped them in tandem and let them out the door, by the time I got to the top of the stairs they were already at the bottom. As I headed down I slipped and slid down to the bottom of the stairs all 12 of them. Thankfully I didn't twist my ankle or bang my head but now my whole left side hurts instead of just my hip.

With the extra activity since Christmas Day morning I have been mostly pain free though obviously with the two falls the fibro has just moved from my body to my head. I can not afford to have bad balance here this place is all stairs. Stairs to get from my floor to theirs, stairs to get down to the front door, stairs from the back porch to the ground, stairs from the front porch to the ground. I haven't counted the steps between my floor and the front walk but I'm willing to bet that there are at least 30 steps. 15 from my floor to their door, another 15 or so from their door to the front door then three steps from the front porch to the sidewalk. All I know is that it is difficult for me to climb all the way from the front door to my floor without taking a rest.

This past year I have moved four times. From B104 to 104 Main to 103 Main in Hamilton then to here. The first three are all within 19 Strathcona so they were simple moves accomplished fairly quickly. The move from Hamilton back to Peterborough was a lot longer and much more tedious. Everything had to be disinfected as much as possible before it could be moved so I didn't carry the bedbugs with me. Oh yes the bed bugs, they were not a problem in the basement but quickly became one on the main floor. I hadn't seen a bedbug since I was 10 years old and mom had to replace all of our matresses. In the beginning I didn't know they were there because it was only a few random bites over a few weeks, they were a little itchy but not much. By the time I realized what was going on I had a full blown infestation. My landlord was a reasonable man and had been working to irradicate them as quickly as possible but they are hard to kill. After I moved into 103 they became so massive a problem that they were coming in every couple of weeks to clean and disinfect. Eventually it became such a problem I had to leave and had already decided that I would be returning home.

The professor agreed to let me winter my stuff in his garage in the hope that I will be able to bring all of my things here bug free. I picked up some yarn and needles at a place called Len's Mill so I at least had knitting stuff but 90% of my clothes and 100% of my storange units are still in his garage where they will remain probably until spring.

My mental illness finally has a name, it's called dysthymia. Basically that is a constant low level depression whose cause is generally unknown but is beleived to be genetic in nature. One of the things I would like to work on in 2013 is this. From what I read a few changes in lifestyle may alleviate it some what. That explains why sometimes in my life I could call myself happy, though few and far between they were during periods when I was looking after myself.

"There are a number of things you can try to improve dysthymia:

  • Get enough sleep.

  • Follow a healthy, nutritious diet.

  • Take medicines correctly. Discuss any side effects with yourdoctor.

  • Learn to watch for early signs that your dysthymia is getting worse. Have a plan for how to respond if it does.

  • Try to exercise regularly.

  • Look for activities that make you happy.

  • Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.

  • Surround yourself with people who are caring and positive.

  • Avoid alcohol and illegal drugs. These can make your mood worse over time and impair your judgment.

Medications are often effective for dysthymia, though they sometimes do not work as well as they do for major depression, and may takelonger to work.

Don’t stop taking your medicine on your own, even if you feel better or have side effects. Always call your doctor first.

When it is time to stop your medicine, you and your doctor will slowly reduce the dose instead of stopping suddenly.

People with dysthymia may also be helped by some type of talk therapy. Talk therapy is a good place to talk about feelings and thoughts, and to learn ways to deal with them. Types of talk therapy include:

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps you learn to be more aware of your symptoms and what makes them worse. You will be taught problem-solving skills.

  • Insight-oriented or psychotherapy, which can help people with dysthymia understand factors that may be behind their depressive thoughts and feelings.

Joining a support group for people who are having problems like yours can also help. Ask your therapist or health care provider to recommend a group."

Looking back it was always there and I am not the only one who suffers from it in my family. This is the most significant thing to happen in 2012. I now have a name for the one issue that has weighed on me for many years and a way to combat it that does not include medication or hospilization.

The second most significant thing to happen this year was the onset of menopause. My periods ended in January and though I had a couple when I was taking the prenatal vitamins, they were rust colored and very short. I was looking for an iron supplement and I picked the prenatal vitamins up by accident. Never again! It was the happiest day in my life when my period finally stopped!

The third most significant thing that happened this year was the birth of my third grand-daughter, I now have another little girl to spoil!

Now some of you may think I prioritized them incorrectly but trust me on this, finally knowing what is wrong with me mentally was the most important and significant event of the year for me. After years of questions I finally have an answer and something I can work with to bring a little happiness into my life before my time is up. Secondly I have been waiting for my period to stop since I had the tubal ligation in 1981, for the past 30 years it has been a monthly mess with no real purpose that I have had to deal with. The birth of a grand-daughter pales in comparison to those two things especially since I have two grand-daughters already who are nearly grown.

My biggest life lesson for 2012 was just that a lesson in best practices for a healthy life. You see that list up there ^, well one of those things was the perscription given to me by several different doctors, can you guess which one?

If you said "try to exercise regularly", your right.

Every doctor I saw this year including the breathing specialist all said the same thing, every  damn  one  of  them! So can you guess what my major goal for 2013 is?

If you said "Exercise regularly", your right.

Getting some energy back, easing some of my fibro pain, losing some of the extra hundred pounds I'm carrying around and lightening my depression can all be accomplished just by adding 15 minutes to half an hour of movement to my life every day. What is even better is that it does not need to happen all at once I can do 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there and 15 minutes elsewhere or stretch it out to three 10 minute sessions or six 5 minute sessions or two 15 minute sessions or any combination as long as it adds up to approx 30 minutes per day. What is more climbing stairs and walking the dogs both count. They may be only worth 40 calories but that is 40 more than I would have spent otherwise

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry F******* Christmas

With the slamming of the door a merry christmas is born. Sarcasm intended. What can I say one small moment of beleif in the power of christmas to cure all ills and I have doomed myself to a night of suicide watch, That she came to me and talked about it is the only hope I have. Perhaps the old wives tale that the people who suicide are the least likely to tell someone or mention it at all is true. Here's to hope!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Riding Despair

This year the season of joy has

become a season of oh boy.

I cry more than I smile

I'm at 0 on the joy dial

Snow for Christmas, alright

so why do I feel so tight?

The grey and black and white

Fits this year just right

In the end sad but true

I am glad 2012 is nearly through

 

Just a little ditty that has been crowding my brain. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but honestly this holiday season has been full of so much pain and anguish that I wish it were over.

I was thinking yesterday that Christmas just isn't the way it used to be. With my fathers demise a little over a year ago the whole world seems to have turned ugly and sour. I have been unable to muster the energy to move beyond this desk for so long it feels like I am permanently attached. 

I suppose I have not grieved properly whatever that means because people expect me to be moving on with my life and I just can't seem to. It is as if I'm mired in mud that has frozen around me, I can move forward but very, very slowly. In fact that is how I see myself. Stuck in something that I can move through but without grace and very slowly. 

I hurt all the time and with the coming of the cold I have even less motivation to get up and get out than usual. Extreme cold and extreme heat do me in energy wise all the time. Mind you Co-co is making sure I get some fresh air, she even wakes me first thing in the morning so she can go out

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

18/12/2012

it is just a bit after 12:30 in the morning and I have been sitting here thinking about how one man ruined the lives of six people that I am sure of and probably many more. He is a pedophile and he is my uncle. The lives he ruined were mine and my brothers and sisters and my daughter before he was finally jailed for it. Mind you it seems that part of my reaction was jealousy because I thought for the longest time I was the only one. Please do not ask me to make sense of that reaction because I honestly do not know where it comes from. He always seemed so glad to see me and he would give me a hug everytime he saw me. I do not remember kissing but who knows it might have been there. Part of what bugs me is that I used to actually enjoy that interaction. I remember him coming into my bedroom at night but I kept thinking it was after my daughter was born now I wonder if it was. I felt no shame because it was just the way things were. I think I figured such things happened to all girls. It did not strike me until one day when I found myself drawing a picture of him and a young boy. I am thinking it was probably one of my brothers but I do not know. What I know is that I did not have to think it drew itself which tells me that I think it may have been something that I saw and blocked out.

I keep encouraging other members of my family to write down those thoughts, to put them on paper so that they can look at them and the image and thoughts would lose a lot of their power to harm them mentally. Yet I know that I have not written much over the last six months despite the fact that things like the above keep coming up in my thoughts. Until tonight I thought I had a handle on the memories but sadly I guess not. I know I need therapy, I am going to look and see if I can find any group therapy type things I can go to in the area.

I am antsy, , suddenly it is very hard to keep typing I itch all over, scratching is a form of self punishment if done in excessive amounts, not sure what excessive is but I am sure that I am inflicting pain on myself  to distract me from my thoughts. It is a coping mechanism that I am beginning to recognize because I only seem to get really itchy when I start exploring areas like the sexual abuse. Its as if I think that inflicting pain on myself will distract me from my thoughts and or the path I am thinking of following. Sadly it seems to work because it is all I can do to keep typing even with the thoughts of the various people who have inflicted abuse on me.

In fact I think I am going to have to stop because I do not want to fight with myself right now, I'll get myself all riled up and then I will have a hard time getting to sleep

Saturday, December 15, 2012

SparkCoach Reflection

Think about 3 things that are on your bucket list. What goal would you go for if anything was possible? What can you do to feel like that in your life today?

My bucket list consists of a lot of travel related things, if anything were possible I would take a round the world trip that included riding in every conceivable mode of transport possible like a train to toronto a plane to new orleans, a ride in a cajun boat, a helicopter ride to the nearest dock a cruise ship to cross the ocean and on and on like that. The feeling I get inside is all bubbly and excited and of course a little nervous.

What can I do to feel like that today? I did it I played catch with my grandson and it was all of those things plus it appealed to the child in me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

10/12/2012

Even when I plan to write every day I don't. I have no idea where the last 6 days went. They are just gone. I do not understand it at all. I woke up early, Bud had dental surgery, I walked the dog once & she ran away. All these things have happened in the last six days. I babysat a couple of times. The days blur and are gone. I renewed my library books. I've been busy on Listography, I have two new lists. I dyed some paper, I tore up some paper for paper mache and brought up the flour to make the paste. I finished Juniors scarf and it promply got lost. I started one for Bud. GD1 has been a bit of a pest since she moved up here because she doesn't knock before she comes in. I played Cafe World & Farmville2 every day & I discovered two new games one called Dragon City and the other is a site devoted to Slingo. I guess it is not so blurry after all :) but those are only the highlights. So tired, I think that is enough for today.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

04/12/2012

I am still adjusting to the fact that it is December and that we are supposedly facing the end of the world as we know it sometime between the twelth and the twenty fourth. But life goes on and so do I though it is with increasing restlessness and anger at my own lack of volition to change things up to eliminate the one and handle the other.

I slept with a dog and GD #1 last night. First time in a long time my eldest grand-daughter has come to me looking for comfort. With a little Vicks and some chill down time she was finally able to sleep and eventually I did too. The dog watched over both of us. The alarm went off at six I turned it off and Ness got me up at seven when she came looking for GD #1.

I took the dog out for a quick walk and saw a whole bunch of old window frames like the ones I saw painted at a craft site a few years ago. Not painted the way you paint a window in your house but made into beautiful Objects D' Art like the one below that I found at Jilly's Happy Home Blog. Okay so it isn't fine art it is still art and I really like it.

There was also one of those slanted workout benches outside, I plan on going over there this evening maybe and asking about both the windows and the bench. If they are outside maybe he will be willing to give them to me. I am assuming they belong to a man cause of the big truck I saw out front but who knows. I am also assuming that who ever owns the house works that's why I figure this evening would be a good time to talk to them though if when I take the dog out this afternoon and the truck is there I will knock on the door. I just want a couple of the smaller windows and that bench would solve a ton of issues around weight training.

I had intended to go to the library today but I think I'll just renew the books. I still have not found my bank card so I need to deal with that soon too. With luck maybe I can do it online like I did the cheques. I am deliberatly looking for ways to not have to go outside though I found it very mild for December out there this morning. I think we need to adjust our calendars to match the changing weather patterns. I miss snow and we have been getting less and less of it every year for the past decade.

Keep losing my way, my thoughts wander and I am every where but here in front of this journal. I think about this town and how small it is compared to Toronto or Hamilton. I am reminded that a lot that things I have grown accustomed to are not available here yet. They are coming though it began with Walmart and now we have two as well as a Michaels and a Chapter's Indigo oh yes and mustn't forget Future Shop and Value Village, so it is growing just very slowly.

What I wouldn't give for a full fleged oriental grocery store just down the street but I think that that may be awhile coming yet for Peterborough.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dec 1, 2012

I have been trying to start this all day but kept getting distracted, then I spent most of the afternoon babysitting. I am so tired but it is nearly seven and I think laying down at this hour would be a big mistake. I can't focus well though so two line is all you get.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

29/11/2012

I am awake and it isn't 6 am yet. Today Bud is having his dental surgery. He needs to be at the hospital for 6:45 this morning so the adults are all awake as are both boys at this unholy hour. When Drake is off to daycare I think I'll be going back to sleep maybe. I have pipecleaners now so I need to start tearing the paper for paper mache and forming the armature for the doll I have in mind. I think I'll be using the paper strips for other projects too.
I am headed to litmania after this because I have several lists I want to add and I need to check my life list (bucket list), to see where I am on it.Not much to say today, too early maybe.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

101 in 1001

1001-562= 439 days left, so just a bit over 14 months left to complete my 101 goals.  I have completed 16 but to be fair some of them are dependent on others being finished like the poetry ones and some of the others. I have the stuff I need to complete quite a few of them but can't seem to focus on them long enough to complete them.

14 months = 60 weeks which means that though I may not reach the 140 I can reach 180 to 150 in the time I have left if I work at it like I am supposed to. For instance the 100-200-100 plan, (sit-ups, push-ups, squats), can give me a lot of strength workouts and training for a marathon will give me cardio, then the dancing & tai chi will help with flexibility and mental discipline. These are all things from my 101 list that when worked through together will result in a net weight loss of some sort, perhaps enough to even reach my goal weight

Concentrating on crafts , writing & drawing will keep me away from facebook and the other game sites that are so counter productive and on my list to avoid. In this way my goals help me to reach them if I were to concentrate on them instead of spending all of my time playing stupid games and generally vegetating in front of my computer all day.
 
So where should I begin? Well since I have the space set up it makes sense to begin with the sit-ups etc. Walking with the dog everyday will increase my metabolism and strengthen my legs so I can begin to run on a daily basis. Working on my Christmas presents will keep me away from the computer and thus away from games.. I don't have all of my knitting needles yet but I do have two sets which I can use for various projects like knitting a doll and a teddy bear and maybe even starting on a top down sweater. The writing and art stuff are a bit more challenging but I think now that my paints and ink are here I can begin to focus on them more.

I can do this if I really want to, I can even finish all of the remaining goals if I begin right away, like in the morning with the exercises. Motivation, I need motivation :). Wish me luck

27/11/2012

Have you ever awakened one day and wondered what happened to you? A few days ago I woke up and realized that it was nearly the end of 2012 and I had done nothing for the last few years except play games on Facebook and through IWIN. I also realized that all I really have to show from the last few years is an expanding girth and a long list of physical and mental issues to go with it. Two years in a row I signed up for National Novel Writing Month and not written word one beyond a short outline of what I wanted to write. It feels as if I have spent the last three years in some sort of vacant state which given the amount of anti-depressant medication I have been taking might not be too far from the truth. I remember starting all kinds of things but usually not getting past a couple of weeks before I would stop doing what ever it was and go back to playing games and general vegetating. I was a relatively healthy 40 but my 50's to date have been one long rest period which I'm sure can't be right but which I feel powerless to change. I know this sloth is not good for me but for some reason I can't get through it to a more active and productive life. Certainly I don't feel happy but then I don't feel much of anything, that of course is a barrier I need to get through.
I was just thinking I did it again, I was about to start proper mental counseling in Hamilton and I moved, now I am in limbo again, on top of that I was in the process of applying for ODSP and soon my time to get the papers in will have run out and I will be having to deal with the job hunting stuff all over again. In truth I am not sure I want to work a regular job but every business idea I've had takes so much start up money that it becomes an impossibility before it gets past the planning stages or maybe I just don't have the information handy I need. I know there is seed money available out there but I am unsure how to go about getting it.
Strangely it is the writing of this blog that that came to me this morning and a reminder of another blog I used to have called Cheryl's Place a plain simple name for a space that was to hold my business ideas IE the services I offered, which are myriad. I have experience in a lot of different areas and was seeking some way to combine  them but it just never gelled for me. I had the bits and pieces but couldn't figure out how to get the word out in a cost effective way. Also since some of then require specific ingredients ie content that also costs money I kept coming up against the same block. Money is needed to make money and even a small business liscense can be expensive if you have no money to begin with. I am on welfare and since I am single that gives me a bare minimum of $550 a month to live on, my rent and share of the utilities takes $445 of that, leaving me with a grand total of $105 to live on. It was $205 but I had to pay back my ex-husband, he loaned me $1200 so we could get the car road worthy with the understanding that I would not receive my support for 13 months. 12 months to pay off the principle the 13th month to pay off the interest which is very high.
Still I suppose if I really wanted to I could use that $100 to get started. I am using Facebook and Twitter and I can make them more useful if I used them to advertise also there must be other publically available , social type networks I can use to put the word out there. Even google ad-sense can be used though I think I need to make a different id to use as the secondary for my google account since I can't remember my ad-sense password and don't want to go through a long and drawn out security checkout. I know they are good things but I find it annoying that they assume you have a mobile phone and that they don't offer to check using a land line.
I need to think about this more. Hopefully I'll be back to talk at you again in the near future.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

All things Peterborough

Peterborough, Ontario is one hundred and sixty two years old. Originally settled by Irish immigrants from Europe. It's first major employer was the Canadian Canoe Company which for awhile created a quarter of Canada's canoes. Over the years other big employers move in starting with Johnson Motors which still has a major toe-hold in the boating engine market. This was followed by General Electric and Quaker Oats. 

THe canadian Canoe Company's manufacturing building has become a museum and though I have not as yet been in it I have been told that it holds a rather thorough display of early boating items. In my desire to reaquaint myself with what was my home for fifteen years I have decided to compile a list of places I would like to visit and things I would like to do.

I had not realized how hard it would be to write for quantity not quality. Oh I supose I should tell you why that is important. If you have read any of the previous entries you will have noticed a desire repeated over and over again in my notes, that is to write a book of my very own. Two actually, one of short stories and one of poetry. November is National novel writing month and I want to participate again this year. I am trying to figure out about how long it would take me to write 1068 words which is the minimum I have to write daily to meet the target of 50'000 words in 30 days. This is my first trial run and it's purpose ti to find out just what 1068 words looks like, thus the history lesson.

Within Peterborough itself there are two distinct parts East City & the rest of Peterborough. East city though almost a community unto itself is on one side of the Otonabee River which flows through the centre of Peterborough, sometimes above ground and sometimes not. To get to East city one must cross the Hunter Street bridge or go around to Monaghan Rd and through the Lift locks. 

Peterborough has a very unique geology. It is a group of seven hills through the base of which runs a river, there is nowhere you can go in this city without either climbing up at least one hill or going down one. Which is why a lot of people drive here. When the city was younger everybody used to walk to get most anywhere because it was only an hours walk to go from the extreme west to the extreme East or from the extreme North to the extreme South. As it has been pulled into the 20th century more & more cars have appeared and what was once a city of the fit has become a city of the obese. Parks which used to be busy in every season now sit mostly idle and the trails see very little traffic. The last time I followed one of the trails I noticed how overgrown it had become, which tells me even the city does not care enough to maintain them any more.

Still there is a definite shift in the attitude and demenour of the residents since I was here last, almost a lightening of spirits. Perhaps it was already here a year ago I just didn't notice because I was so deep in my own gloom. There are still a lot of empty buildings but at least Peterborough Square is beginning to pick up a bit. This is important not only because it sits in the centre of downtown but also because it was the first mall ever built here and as such holds a lot of history.

Ok concentration might be a problem. I have become so used to multi-tasking that I always have several items open on my computer at the same time, right now I have Evernote, Chrome, Firefox, Sticky Notes and a file folder open , each of the browsers have four tabs open. I was just reading about Peterborough in the Peterborough Wiki, can you beleive it we have our own Wiki entry and whoever did it knew a lot about Peterborough. I figure it was probably some one from City Hall that added it, either that or one of our historians.

Anyway it seems that Peterborough has a reputation as a art community which shouldn't surprise me but does a bit. It is probably that atmosphere which has prompted my own longing to make a contribution to the arts either by written word or other art form, like the dolls. Hmm I think I need another coffee, as I write this last word before I go get it I am at word seven hundred and eighty nine

Of the attractions here there are several that are on my must see list:

1) as I mentioned already I really want to go check out the Canadian Canoe Company Museum

2) Peterborough Museum & Archives

3) Spend some time at the Cenotaph and in the park around it

4) The Lift-lock Museum and if possible a chance to see the lift-locks up close and personal while they are in action

5) Peterborough Art Gallery

6) Little Lake  Music Fest

7) Riverview Park & Zoo

8) Artsweek

9) Downtown Countdown (New Years Eve)

10) Emergency: Festival of New Dance

11) Festival of Trees

12) Peterborough Folk Festival

13) Peterborough Pride Week & parade

14) Peterborough Kinsmen Santa Clause Parade

15) Multicultural Day

These are the city sponsered ones and of course for 2012 I have missed most of them since they are held during the tourist season but there are many other things to see & do including several small museums in the old homes of the founding fathers, the biking/hiking trails and of course live theatre.

There is also a skateboard park and skating rink if I want to get a bit more active. There are two library branches and though I've been to the Main branch lots I would like to check out the De La Fosse as they have art classes there. The libraries are quite active in promoting literacy and have many special events, they are the main host for the weekly writ-ins for NANoWriMo and so are high on my list of places to go and things to do.

There are also several groups I would like to join such as the Fibro Support Group and Toastmasters but that is a topic for another day

 

Word Count: 1080

Monday, October 15, 2012

15/10/2012

Today will be my last trip to Hamilton before I return home to Peterborough. In the 20 odd years I have been gone many things have changed there for one it does not feel so dull and colourless. Less like a town dying and one that has found new purpose. This pleases me no end as it reminds me a little of the Peterborough of my 20's. Rather I will find a place for myself here or not I do not know but I hope I do. Certainly any benefit to me will move through the family unit and maybe all of us will get a new lease on life. I am coming late to counselling for the sexual abuse but maybe it will make the next 30 years a bit brighter than they have been for the last 30. I have reached that place that is called middle age, no longer young but not old either kinda like that place between 10 and 13 when the time until you are a teenager seems far away. No I am not looking forward to the declining health but I am looking forward to seeing what kind of adults my grandchildren become. Since the youngest is just about a month old and the oldest is 13 the years should be interesting.

I am hoping since my daughter and I have received the same instructions from our doctors that we will become close again and help each other. There is only 17 years between us so we should be able to find some common ground and some uncommon ground so that we can both grow lithe and more well-balanced. I may be over-reaching but I think I can find my butterfly again. If not it will still be a good exercise for me and get me out and about instead of sulking at home or sleeping so I can avoid the pain. Sleeping only makes it worse because whatever side I sleep on I wake up in the morning and it feels bruised even though there isn't a mark on me.

I do wish I had been able to focus on a specific goal or two but nothing comes to mind, actually lots comes to mind just not things I expect I can achieve given my current mental and physical shape. I need to move past my fathers death, that much I know but given that he has been dead just over a year means not enough time has truly gone by for me to reach equilibriam with his passing. The last five years were hard and his death did not make things any easier. My mother was a decade in the ground before I could think of her without expecting to see her.

I am experiencing some cramping in my fingers again, I think it is from so much time in front of the computer. Even though the hand that is hurting is not the one I use the most it is still an annoyance. Actually now that I pay attention it is the one with the tendon damage so it might be hurting because the cold weather is here. I expect to see snow any day now. It ussually comes late in October or early November and it is literally the middle of Oct today.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

10/10/2012

Any other year I would be strongly pursuing my birthday goals but this year my birthday didn't spark that move ahead current that I used to get. So many things have changed since my fathers death. I wear the same clothes waking and sleeping for two or three days. I used to have to put on clean clothes every day. I was never one for showering regularily, ( a hold over from my youth when running water in the house was something other people had), but now if I shopwer more than once a month it is because I need to present a clean visage to someone. I used to brush my teeth and comb my hair every day now I only do it when it really needs done. Again if I have to be presentable for something.

Other things have changed too, like I find myself doing and saying the same things over and over again, I used to pride myself on never repeating myself. I haven't pick up a glue gun or a paint brush in months and months. Same with knitting and sewing, I hardly ever work on anything. I'm pretty sure the cause is deep depression compounded with my mid-life crisis. Plus I think the medication might have something to do with it as well. One thing I learned recently is that one of the side-effects of Ciprlex is to dimish the sex drive, in my case it seems to have taken it a way completely.

The professor seems ok with it but it was a big shock to my personal equilibriam since it was the one thing I could say I did well. For the past few years I have been in a Limbo caused by the medication and other events that have been happening in my life. It seems that in this I am not alone. Sexual abuse causes all kinds of hurts and I certainly have had my share of sexual abuse.

Anyway it is 11:30 PM and time for this girl to head up to bed. More tomorrow I hope.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Things to remember!

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08/10/2012

The day after my 52nd birthday. Yesterday was a good day although I did learn that I have become the kind of negative person I dislike. My goal for my 53rd year is to stop being mean spirited and critisizing everything and everybody. It means I will need to learn to think before I speak which will be a whole new experience for me.

I do not like the person I have become at all. Even constant pain is no reason to be so angry all the time.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

02/10/2012

Well life just keeps getting better and better. I am having some kind of severe allergic reaction although presently it is confined to hives. At least I think it's hives certainly its something and I am itchy as all get out. It feels like my whole body is one solid itch. It may be the bedbugs but they hadn't been bothering me until just recently. I'm sure I had lots of bites but no itch now it feels like my whole body is one solid itch. I haven't had any new foods so unless an old favorite has turned mean it isn't a food allergy. It bears repeating my body feels like one solid itch

I am nearly done the closing down of my place here in Hamilton and though my son-in-law seems to have gotten a repreive there is no way of knowing for sure, immigration could be at their door tomorrow. Besides I finally got a look at my room in their place it is easily twice the size of this one perhaps even as big as The Professors Master bedroom

The rash appears to be spreading at this rate my sit down is going to be covered with bumps. My skin feels like it is crawling with bugs. I don't see them but I can feel them. I am sure it is all in my head but that doesn't make it any less real. Cream, I had cream cheese yesterday and on Thursday there was cream in my coffee, I wonder if that could have triggered it because I have been getting steadily worse over the weekend. I just don't know why it would trigger a rash on the backs of my legs or on my sit down.

Time to move on... my daughters family are picky eaters so I need to come up with a way of making sure everyone has their daily calorie and nutrient needs met. The Professor suggests eating like the chinese do. Cook a variety of things and allow each person to choose what they want to eat. It makes sense and it allows the use of the food guide in a very simplistic way ie pasta, rice or potato are the standard starches, two vegetables something from the red family and something from the green family. Two small protiens: one fish and one whatever. They don't have to be large amounts since only two of us will be eating the fish and the other four will have whatever the other one is and a serving is only 3 oz I beleive. A second starch can be added in the form of bread or buns if needs be and then a fruit and possibly a sweet for dessert. It sounds like a lot but if we exercise portion control as well as making sure at least one of the fruis or vegetables is raw it would not be too bad nor would it require hours of work in the kitchen there are lots of things that are ready in half an hour or less. We will need lots of pots and pans though so I will probably go to Value village to see what I can find.

I will need to rearrange her cupboards so that I know what I have to work with, right now they are a disorganized mess. If we can clear out the pantry at least we would have some decent space to work with but storage as always is an issue at her place. She is as bad as mom for collecting stuff. I am sure they find it easy to work with such a mess but I do not. Since I will be helping out with the meals I think I'm entitled to a little organization.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

September 20, 2012

I have been a very busy woman over the last few months. My health decided to take a nose dive and I have spent a lot of time with doctors. I even attended one of those weight loss clinics for awhile but blew it and now I'm even heavier than I was when I started it. I was doing so well too then the word exercise test were said and I went to pieces.  I do not understand what happened except that I kept seeing myself slowly dying on a treadmill while others stood around and watched. That image scared the bejezus out of me and I went on a binge. I think I am getting it back under control but that was rough. Then I did a sleep test to confirm sleep apnea and now I gotta use a respirator while I sleep. I finally got an appointment with a shrink only to HAVE HER CANCEL AT THE LAST MINUTE!

With the move to Peterborough coming up I need to get things in order, oh yes that. I am headed back to Peterborough and my daughters house as of my birthday this year. I beleive things will be better now especially since I really do have my own space including my own bathroom. :) it is almost an inlaw apartment but not quite. I will be bringing my own kitchen and of course water will have to come from the bathroom but all in all not bad at all.

Lots of alls in that sentance. The church is ringing it's bells so it is noon. I need to eat something I've been up for two hours and haven't eaten a thing. I am rambling and I want a break. Sheesh barley 300 words and I want a break. I do have some other stuff to cover and I need to look at my 101 in 1001 to see where I'm at. I must be getting close to the 365 day mark by now.

Just checked the countdown clock for 1001 and I am halfway through day 372. Now to check my goals and see where I'm at with them.

It seems that despite my absence I have actually made progress on a few things.

I am 2/3 of the way through a pillow doll. I don't have a photo but will get one soon. I knitted it out of some yarn I had hanging around. It is not perfect of course as I messed up part of it but for all of that it is still pretty neat. It still needs a face and to be closed up. Right now it is somewhere in the Professors garage as is a fair amount of my stuff due to a bedbug infestation. No way am I going to take them to my daughters if I can help in, so they are in quarantine in the Professors garage.

Starting to repeat myself. Time to leave off for today. I'll finish the update on the 1001 project either later today or tomorrow.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

August 2nd, 2012

Two years ago tonight I sat in my daughters kitchen willing my then husband to come to Peterborough for my daughters birthday. One year ago today I sat in a womens shelter here in Hamilton trying to decide what to do next. Today I sit in the best room in the rooming house where I live, (its more like a dorm but what do you call a dorm for middle aged singles?), trying to decide if I am ready to take the next step in my plan or to stay put for awhile longer. I was hoping to be in Manitoba by this time except that life had other plans.

I have a doctor here, an income and a decent place to live. My name is on two waiting lists for talk therapy and I have made a few friends here. I have everything in place except my own willpower to lose the extra hundred pounds I'm carrying around if I can just get myself on a regular routine.

As always it has come to do I want to stay where things are good or do I want to move on to the next big adventure. Of course when I was planning this adventure I had assumed I would have the advantage of a disability pension which would have allowed me a lot more freedom of movement but that did not happen. I am still considering retrying but I can almost convince myself that I want to go back to work, certainly Ontario Works seems to think I should, it just isn't that easy to convince myself. Sure the extra money would be good but the cost to my health and esteem when I fail once again would not be.

It is a hard choice to make especially when I think maybe I can do this but then I think about the pain, or the depression and I wonder just how long would it last before they fired me because I didn't come to work or call in for a week. Plus I keep remembering the last job I did at the Dome and how someone kept running into me. I know she was mad because her place had been given to me at the counter but it had the effect of making me very aware of how fat I was and how narrow the space I worked in was. It made me quit. I never went back after that even though I was really good at it and more importantly I loved doing it.

I do not want to face that kind of conflict again just because I am good at what I do and someone dislikes me because of it.Eventually I am going to have to choose one way or the other, in the meantime I'll keep going through the motions of looking for work starting with getting a resume to my worker.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

15/05/2012

Sorry about the long time between emails. Since I went to see the doctor my life has gotten considerably busier though not quite in the direction I was hoping. I am back on the Welbution but my dose has been decreased to one pill a day. That's a plus :) I have several pluses actually today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I am back on a regular sleep pattern, I have my first appointment with the Wharton Medical Clinic tomorrow (they specialize in obesity), I have an appointment for an assesment of my mental condition early in June, I have begun to bring my clutter down to a reasonable level, I am also going to see Beauty & the Beast in June.

It is no wonder I am feeling better, so many things are finally falling into place. I even have a kind of daily schedule though it's not stuck as of yet, soon I hope.

I hope this new season has brought you some positives as well. I'll talk to you soon.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

18/04/2012

My dreams are full of tears. The ones I won't cry I suppose. I cry a lot in my dreams latly. I have run completely out of my welbutin so I am watching myself to make sure I continue to function at a reasonable level without them. Aside from sleeping 12 hours a day I have had no bad results. I pray things continue that way. I have finally received the interview with the doctor and my first set of appointments. I am very grateful for that. I was beginning to be afraid I would have to keep making the trip to North York every three months. I am concerened about the Welbutin but without a drug card there is not much I can do.

I am still fighting sleep though and I am sure that can't be a good thing so after my appointment with the doctor on the 23rd I will be going to the drug store to see if I left the drug card there. I'm pretty sure I didn't. I am pretty sure that if I had not seen that the amount of my OW had gone down by 10 bucks that I would not have known rather Warner got his money or not. I am positive that I never saw the paper work. This concerns me because it is possible that it is in the B104 mailbox and that there is nothing I can do about it.

The middle of the month has come and gone. I haven't been home a lot again this month but I know it hasn't come in the mail as of yet even though I put in a change of address along with the other papers before the 27th of last month. That's the cut off date for information chages because cheques are mailed on the 28th. I know she got the change of address because she sent me the other paperwork to the right mailbox.

I am sitting here yawning my head off and I don't know why... I slept for 12 hours and I have only been up for about 1.5 hours. It simply doesn't make sense. I think I may have to open the patio door and let some air in here.

Friday, April 13, 2012

13/04/2012

This was our first day in Montreal. We got in around 10 pm last night. I had a rough time settling down I am always like that in a strange bed. Tonight I do not think tonight I will hve that problem. I walked at least 5 km today, that's the most I've walked in several years. My first stop was the palais de congres de Montreal, (Convention Centre). I chose it as my starting place because it is an example of co-operative architecture. I did not go inside but I did walk 2/3 of the way around it. It was huge but what else can you expect from a building that was created by joining five or more buildings from several eras. The book suggested that the colored tiles were special but I must admit I was a bit disappolinted, I thought it would be several different different colors joined together but from what I saw it was huge sheets of single colours one to each side.

I headed next toward Place Bonaventure but missed my turn and ended in a beautiful park area. There was no green but the roads and walks were cobblestones. There was a church there that had a gorgeous front. I took several photos but I will have not be able to upload them until I get back home on Monday. 

I did eventually get to Place Bonaventure but because I was running late I did not go in to explore. I went from there to Dorchester Square, I did go in here and I am wishing I had not been so worn out because I didn't take any photos inside this place. The elevator doors were coated with gold as was the mailbox in the main hall. I went inside to go to the tourist information centre. It wasn't until I started looking at the stacks that I realized that each set of shelve held information from a different section of Montreal Island and Quebec. There were ten rows with three different places per shelf. It is a humbling reminder that Montreal is old and nearly as big as Toronto.

I stopped at the Dominion Square Tavern for lunch. The decor is 1920 ish and the place was full. The level of energy in that room was amazing. The food was super and so was the service. The price was high but I beleive it was well worth it.

 

I am beat I think I will leave the rest until tomorrow.

11/04/2012

I seem to be in a fugue state. I have dozens of things I could do but I don't know which one I want to do. I am lost it seems in a world of thought. There are days that if I could live here I would but I am expecting the Professor tonight and there are any number of things I could be doing exp. laundry. Call it Inertial, call it what you like I am stuck. I thought I had taken my ciprelex last night but it turns out I didn't so I slept and dreamed which doesn't often happen. The other side of this coin seems to be  a complete lack of motivation and indecision. That is a bit worrisome but not too much so. I suspect that when I run out I am going to have a lot more bad days.

Even my thoughts are having a hard time forming coherent thoughts, that paragraph above which should have taken only a minute to go from mind to keyboard was five minutes getting the same distance. On top of that my bed is calling me alreasy and I have only been up for 3/4 of an hour. I need my coffee and I need something to engage my mind but unless I want to add far more books and short stories than I can ever read in my remaining life time I need to stop downloading and start reading. In the process I can peg other books that I want to read. I am like baby sis in that I want to read a whole series not just one book from dozens of series. I find it very annoying especially as I have noticed the authors will make the first book free but then you have to pay full price for either the paperback version or the ebook version. As I stated before I do not have the storage room for a bunch of paperbacks and yes I coulod borrow them from the local library but then I got to ask what if a0 it isn't there and b0 it takes longer for me to read than I am allowed to have it out and c0 what if I want to read it again and it is out or lost?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

10/04/2012

Ten days in... How did the time go so fast? I have reached the conclusion that I either have to move back to Toronto to be near my doctor or I have to release him and get one here. I really don't want to move but at the same time I am reluctant to give up the doctor I have for one I will get. It means a period of time without my pills or any medical assistance whatsoever outside of the Walk in Clinics.

 

I just finished an eBook called "The Rivers of London"  or "Midnight Riot". Depending where you look. I would love to read the next book in the series but it costs the same as a paperback and I'm just not willing to spend that much. I am of the opinion that I do not mind spending a little money on electronic items but they absolutly should not cost the same as a paperback. In truth this paticular book "Moon Over Soho" can actually be bought in paperback form for two cents plus shipping. If it were not for the problem of storage I wouldn't mind buying the paperback. eBooks are easier and much more compact so I have a distinct preference for them. That is why I bought my Kobo Vox. Sure I have games and things on it but mostly it is books, lots and lots of books.

 

It has been a week or so since I dropped the form off at the McMaster Family Clinic but I haven't heard anything, I am thinking I will have to go in the other direction. Release Dr Cohen and go through the CMA to find a local doctor that is taking patients now not some day soon. If I have to take all of this to Dr Cohen I might as well move back to North York. 

I keep wondering if it is worth all the hassle. I don't have a drug card so I can't renew my meds anyway unless I pay cash for them and the while the Welbutin is the least expensive of them what happens when I must get the Ciprilex which is over a hundred bucks or the stomach pills which I am also getting low on.

 

I have prepared a list of three that are a reasonable distance away, I will probably call them tomorrow. One that I was interested in is near Wharton Medical Clinic (the place that specializes in obesity) but I can't remember which one it was I should have noted it before I went for direction, ah well I can always check them out again.

Right now I am looking into Montreal, maybe the Professor and I will get there this week, here's hoping

Thursday, April 5, 2012

05/04/2012

I seem to have lost a day or two. For some reason I woke up today convinced that it was Wendnesday. I am headed East today, first to Toronto then on to Peterborough tomorrow to visit with my grandkids. It is Easter weekend and this is one of the things that as a grandparent you are supposed to do. I haven't seen them for several months so I am sure they are taller and getting personalities of their own.

The Professor picked up chocolate I think, I'll know when he gets here.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

03/04/2012

I ask myself every day why I am here and why I am the way I am. I struggle with my personal demons among them I am lost. I cry inside but never ever let it show unless there is no one to see, no one to hear. I worry if I am doing things right and wonder what other people think but mostly I think. I do not think great thoughts indeed more often than not the thoughts are of the poor me category or you know what you have to do why don't you do it. I ask myself that question a million times a day I think. If I am so smart and knowlegable then why can I not get myself from here to there from A to b from thinking about losing weight to actually doing at least one of the things I know I should do. My life is ruled by would, could and shoud with the loudest voice always about what I should do, what normal people do. But I am not normal by society's light I am indeed close to the middle of abnormale I think. I do not like to work, I have no grand plan that I am working on daily, indeed most days I'm just glad to see the end of. Though I know that is another day gone of the finite number I have, I just don't care. At least that is what I tell myself Nothing matters in the grand scheme of things I am one little dot among 5 trillion or thereabouts. I worry though. I worry that I am not doing things that I'm supposed to do like eating right, sleeping "proper " hours or even talking to others beyond a minor hello how are you in the hall.I should feel at peace but I do not. Twice in as many days I have found myself repeating searches that I did on previous days because I can not remember if I found what I was looking for. I sit up until 6 am importing and converting my ebooks for the database yet can not put the same focus into going out and walking around the track across the street. My priorities are skewed, I am more interested in getting all of my electronic "books" in one place and catalogued than I am in losing the weight I desperatly need to lose before it kills me. I worry about what my neighbours think about me even when I know most of them have no idea who I am and could care less and the few I speak to think I am an old woman who keeps to herself and that is fine with them. I wonder if they even know my name, I know I don't know theirs, unlike the basement the peoople here are not friendly to each other or at least I am less friendly here than I was there. I came here for the bigger room but it also means I am in a bigger, better class of people, most of them work or are honerably retired unlike me. If I look at my life I have achieved nothing earth shattering, everything I did I did poorly or only once and while I could call them personal achievments they lose luster either because of the end resault or because I have never been able to repeat them. There is a place in my mind that is red and raw, it is the place where trust and openness used to live. I hope that it will heal one day but so far it is still as raw and sore as it has been for decades. I wonder sometimes if I am not mad and that the only reason I am not locked up is because I am good at hiding it. I think I am a very good actress or at least I used to be now I prefer to hide in this room than try and be what the outside world expects me to be. I can not pretend any more that I fit. I know I do not. I know in truth I never have. I could blame my parents for the way I am but what would be the point of that, they are both dead and whatever influence they may have had is gone with them. I am accountable only to myself and that self feels so bruised and battered that it finds itself more hidden and yet less so. I hide here in this room where for the most part the outside world can not touch me. I could say that I am grieving and I suppose in a way I am though I thought I accepted my fathers death a long time ago. He wasn't dead then though and now he is. I wonder if the deepened depression I am suffering is partially because that leaves me an orphan. Odd to think like that at 50+ but there you have it. I wonder how long it will take this depression to run it's course and then I realize that unless I make an effort to leave it behind this is the way I will be for the next four years or however much time I have left. My mother died when she was 55 I am getting close to that now and today at least I think I would welcome death, though I would rather it took me while I slept

Monday, April 2, 2012

02/04/2012

I have been wondering, if I am not mentally ill does that mean I am lazy? And if I am lazy how does one overcome the inertia associated with that paticular state of mind. Inertia has been my issue for a long time it seems. After the pain began to become a daily thing instead of a once in awhile thing I was very active. I was ouit every day taking photoes and exploring. As the pain got worse and worse I began to go out less and less. For the last few years I've hardy used my camera at all and going out to explore became a thing of the past.
I do not want to blame the Fibro for my lack of initiative but it does make it more difficult to do the things I used to do. Other sufferers say that it does not have to limit your life too much, you just have to plan better. That is all well and good but for me even when I do something as simple as the laundry I pay for it as I am today. Even going to do my monthly shopping has become a chore. I did not want to let it defeat me. I had such great plans but now it is all so much air.
In the last two years I have become a recluse, going out and doing what I needed to do but for the most part staying in. THe more I stayed in the less I did until most days are spent in front of the computer screen playing games or more recently getting all of my electronic books organized into a database for easier searching and greater organization, instead of folders I use tags much simpler and on the whole seem to take up much less room on my hard drive.
I eat and play and sleep most days unless like last week I had homework to do. That is what psych professionals call the stuff they give you to do between sessions. It is a good term for it even with the overtones of school. Mind you I have few bad memories from school so it is not a bad thing to me as it might be to others who were less fortunate in that regard.
Yesh I sounded like a right prig with that last sentance but I right as I think and that was how I thought it. I did not get up until after noon today and even then I was tired. My own fault I was up until two working on that data base. It is amazing what will catch your attention. I like to read and I've always wanted to record all of the books I have. With the paper books it is a long boring chore but with the electronic ones with this calibre data base it is not hard at all. It has a memory issue in that you can only search metadata for 500 books before it needs to reset but that would not be so bad except that I have over 8500 ebooks and I'm thing when I'm done I'll have close to 10, 000. That makes the process of giving them tags and putting them into series, (if they are part of one), and getting covers for the ones that don't have them long. And of course though the automatic works well there are always a few books in each hundred that have to be dealt with on a one by one basis because they began life as part of a greater work. Short stories that were published in magazines are a good example of this.
Automatic reflow works ok when translating from text to PDF but it requires that I go in and try and find out where the paragraph marks are otherwise it becomes a big mess. Still readable but missing paragraph breaks and chapter breaks makes it a bit difficult to read, my eyes tend to miss lines because it is so tightly packed. I could go in and replace the paragraph and chapter breaks but that takes a lot of time and is actually quite tedious unless I choose to read the book as I am making the changes rather than just scanning for most likely breaks. Days like today when I am feeling tired it is not a good idea to tackle that kind of project, though I suspect that when I am done adding books and begin to read them I will change my mind. For now it is enough to add some basic tags and gather them into series for easier reading.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

31/03/2012

Last Day of March and it does seem to be leaving peacefully if a bit chilly. It is a grey Saturday. After being up until 6ish this morning the Professor woke me at 9:30 AM to let me know he would be neck deep in server today so it would be  best if I didn't disturb him, frankly I think he called because he wanted someone to talk to about what he would be doing. He seeks little reassurances like that sometimes plus it helps him clarify the steps he needs to take.

March has been a fairly busy month. Kinda, Sorta. I did spend an aweful lot of money and time on Facebook. March started with a snow storm but the days kept getting milder and milder until we had a nearly summer day then it turned cold again. I've seen pussy willows and heard the geese but I haven't seen a Robin here yet, that will come.

I had a week or so of really harsh acid reflux  so when I went to see the doctor for my three month check up he arranged a blood test and then a gastophy, basically they went inside my stomach and took a look around as well as a small slice for a biopsy. The biopsy came back negative. I have had some concerns about diabetes and asked for gluclose testing as well but basically the doctor ignored that I think.

I was in a really deep depression during those first couple of weeks. After I scared myself about the diabetes I began to look into various diets. I want to elimanate as many refined sugars and starches as I can. I also figured out that both alcohol and ice cream are off my food list forever because of what they do to my stomach. I have been looking in paticular at the exchange diet used by diabetics as that is the one I was on when I lost that 30 lbs in my late 30's

The last thing the doctor told me was that it was time and past time to start getting some counselling. That set off a couple of weeks of trying to find and get on the wait list of some psychiatrists. I have managed this but I also found that chronic re-occuring depression is not considered a serious mental illness unless it is coupled with tons of meds, suicide attempts and hospitalizations. Nice to know I'm on the mild end but I could have used a more compassionate hearing. One other thing I did find out is that there is actually a walk in mental counselling place in town that is covered by OHIP, talk about a one stop shop. Hamilton has everything Peterborough lacked without the hustle and bustle of Toronto.

Mid-month I had an awful fight with my daugter but a few days ago we were talking like it was old times. She did suggest I find a local doctor and the person from the mental health association concurred and gave me the information I needed to find one, she also suggested the Wharton Medical Clinic for help with my weight issues. That is also covered by OHIP. I am now waiting to hear from the Mac Family Clinic.

I am once again going to try to blog every day emphasis on the try part. April is shaping up to be a reasonably busy month. On the 6th I am supposed to be in Peterborough to babysit for my daughter. I say supposed to because it all depends on how the exchange server transfer goes for the Professor. I am waiting for an appointment with a local Doctor. The first appointment will be fairly simple. What do they need from me vs what I need from them. The second one will be a bit more complicated than that. In the first one I will aquaint her with my medical history and the list of referrals I need. The second one will be a Physical because I haven't had one in a couple of years..

Once the doctor and I meet the first time I hope to have referrals for the Wharton Medical Clinic which specializes in obesity, one for a psychiatric evaluation and on for a sleep test because the anesthetist from the stomach exam said I should get one as I was snoring during the procedure. I didn't used to snore badly but it seems I do now. If they all get booked in good order I will see them and my physical done by the end of April and be ready for the next step which involves actually follwing the guidelines set up by the various Professionals.

Also in April I am hoping to begin walking again and maybe even make a start on the 100-200-100 challenge. I was considering getting a plot in the Community Garden across the street but I do not think I will have the time this year. For reading I'll be starting the Hunger Games tomorrow. I should be done the fifth Game of Thrones book today. 

Entertainment wise, I mean to finish the first How to Draw  book, Watch 20 movies on NetFlix and complete one game on IWIN. I figure that is possible because I won't be going back to facebook games except maybe the new Slingo

I have several journals on the go I will finish 30 pages this month for them, its not like I lack inspiration, it is all around me. As an added bonus I will complete one of the knitted toys in my collection this month, the shawl that is on my loom and the pillow case. I intend not to be idle in April for any length of time and to cut my time on the computer by half though given how much work I need to do to finish the ebook database I'm working on that last may not be possible .

Friday, March 30, 2012

30/03/2012

Friday again, what is it about Friday that lets me get up early and actually get some work done. I hope I figure it out, cause I could use this kind of get up and go during the rest of the week. Though I know myself well enough to know that I need to not get involved with anything that captures my interest like the database I've been working on for e-books.

I am a great collector of books, when I got my inheritance there was only one thing I wanted for me and that was a e-book reader, what I ended up with is a tablet from Kobo and I am loving it. But I have this huge collection of books that I have gathered over the years most of which are in text (txt) format and that just doesn't work well. Right now I am converting the ones I already have in the library into EPUB from the TXT format so that they become more readable and prettier to look at. That may seem silly but it is my intention to read all of them before I leave this planet.

This is one of the things I use when the urge to die comes, thankfully that doesn't happen as often as it used to and the black mood that goes along with it does not last as long as it used to.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

29/03/2012

I seem to be having a hard time keeping it together today. I need to take the paperwork up to the Clinic but can't seem to do it. I got dressed, I made sure I had all the papers I needed, I even took out a sweater and socks since it's turned cold again but I can't seem to go any further. The sweater aqnd socks are sitting on my bed and I am siting in fromt of this computer. I am looking at my keyboard and still hitting the wrong letters. All I really want to do is go back to bed.

The skies are grayish white & the air is cold. My eyes hurt and so does my head yet there seems to be no cause for either. I am not hungry and I haven't even had the energy to take my meds today. I had one thing to do today just one and it will most likely remain undone. The mouse keeps moving the cursor I swear. Twice now I've had to fix what I'm writing because the cursor has moved from the end of the line it's on to the middle of one higer up. Myabe next time it happens I won't bother to fix irt. I get so tired of fixing the mistakes as I go along but it is hard for me to send out something that is less than perfect. Yeah I am a perfectionist when I care enough about the project, if I don't my work can be very very shoddy. 

So tired, I am sitting here and my eyes feel heavy, soon I will be closing my eyes ro f rest them and end up sleeping sitting uop. I've done that a couple of times now. I need to take my medication, I want to read, I have projects I would like to work on and all I can think of is will I get to my 750 words before I say f... it and go lie down. Even two cups of coffee hasn't helped today.

It is I am so tired. I am going to take my meds and go back to bed

Monday, March 26, 2012

26/03/2012 & 27/03/2012

Colour me frustrated beyong beleif! Am I mentally ill or not? That is the question of the day.

I wrote those words above when I got back from my outing at the Mental Health Association. Because I do not have a Medical history that includes lots of medications, hospital stays or suicide attempts and because the last time I saw a Psychiatrist was when I was 25 or so I am not deemed eligible for their program. I was only diagnosed with Depression ongoing since I was 13 at that meeting but because it was so long ago it doesn't count.

I have seen another psychiatrist since then in my 30's and I have gone to several community counsellors, the most recent though is still three years back or so. Though that one turned out to be a complete bust because she was more interested in my weight issues than the emotions behind them. I forgot to mention that to her yesterday, I hate how my mind hides things that could help until it is too late for them to be of any real use. The first one is the one I remember because she took my journal and didn't give it back and because it was because of a severe break down.

I keep wanting to correct my writing as I go so that it sounds more normal but I think I;m going to have to stop   that cause it really isn't helping me figure out my own mind. I am still enacting an appearance of normality, same as I have done my whole life, even though how other people viewed life is by no means the way I did. At least that is how I feel. I was always looking and watchin so I could act like the other kids. As much as possible I wore the same clothes and learned  to speak and fit in, all the while keeping myself apart. I used to feel I lived behind a glass wall. I could see and hear the rest of the world and they could see and hear me but we could never really touch or connect.

I used to be good at fitting in but these days I am and mostly prefer to be by myself, for one thing it's safer. I can't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me. And I do not have to pretend I like someone or something just because the person I'm with does. I actually feel even more out of place now that I have reached middle age. I have grand-children but they range in age from 13 to not yet born. I have children but they are not exactly pillars of the community. I have two ex-husbands both of whom I still care about but neither of whom I feel like living with. I have people who say they are my friends, and I suppose thry are to a certain extent but there is no one I can really talk to or go out with or vent with. Their lives are totally different from mine which I suppose is a good thing but it just makes me uncomfortable around them because I feel we have little in common.

I have other friends who like me because I'm funny, cute but funny. I don't like that it's as if I am here to entertain them and that is just not right. I mean I become a laughing stock so what's in it for me. I'm sure they don't mean it that way but that is how I react to it. Same as if someone is nice to me, my first thought is always the same, "What do they want from me?"

Trust, I don't trust anyone, not even myself most of the time. I certainly don't like myself much. There are days like today that I wish I could drink myself into oblivian like I used to. Or find some guy to fuck. Thats another thing...partly why I am so lost is because somehow over the last couple of year I have lost my libido. Since that was the thing that defined me since I was eleven it makes things a bit complicated as I am 50 and in the process of redefining myself

Sunday, March 25, 2012

25/03/2012

Well it's official I have to give up all alcohol including my beloved Frangelico. Two nights in a row I had a hot toddy before bed and this morning I woke up with a headache and a very upset tummy, Yesterday it was just a bit of indigestion today it has graduated to acid reflux. I have one last drink in the bottle which I have decided I will have tonight before I sleep and then one more vice will be gone for good.

Beyond that I haven't much to say right now, 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 192- 101 in 1001

I have a few things to update but I've been having some health issues and have gotten distracted by another project.

I went to a new all you can eat Japanese restauraunt with the Professor while I was in Toronto in February. The food was so so but the service was great. At least the portions were a reasonable size

I have completed another 20 pages in a journal which I need to send out. Which I will do when I have completed another 5 pages or so, and when I can find the money tp send it to mexico

I have read a number of ebooks but since that doesn't clear my shelves they don't count

I have lost a little bit of weight and have managed to stop biting my nails as much as I used to but I still have a long way to go

I have been thinking about the songs that I would have to have on my personal playlist and have begun to collect them, Still have a long way to go.

Ditto the things I like about myself. I did finish that but I am not sure where I put it so I need to redo it. I wonder how many pages tou can have on a blog. I am thinking I would like to put the poetry I have written & other things on their own pages, probably not possible but I'm going to look into it.

 

I think that is all for now. Just a bit over 6 months since I started this new list. I'm not doing too bad when you consider I have about 27 months left to go.

 

 

 

Kindness 101



And this in my opinion is what needs to be changed. If you don't care or are glad the other persons problems are not your own then I need to know... whatever happened to love your neighbour and helping your fellow humans.



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Thursday, March 22, 2012

22/03/2012

I thought I had been away longer than a week and I was all set to make this big apology. Time is strange right now, the months go fast while the days go slow. I can hardly believe that we are headed into the second quarter of the year already. Taxes are due in a month and 9 days and I haven't even begun yet. I have the paperwork I just have to get it to the Professor along with a blank cheque so all those rebates will go into my bank account and not to his house. I don't really like depending on him to get them in the bank in a reasonable amount of time.

I have struggled with the decision but I think I would prefer if they went into my personal account that way he can't appropriate it by accident. I trust him with my life but I don't trust him with my money. All too often he treats it as if it were his own which can leave me in a bit of a pickle as you can well imagine. On the upside at least I know with him controlling things I will have some money put away for retirement. The Canadian Pension Plan is headed to dissolution and that means stragglers of the baby boom like me are likely to get shafted come 65. It is worse for my kids of course and for their kids by the time they reach old age there will most likely be nothing left.

I seem to be fixated on money today. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I am having to change my eating habits big time. In truth headed back to my childhood where vegetables we grew ourselves and the odd rabbit or partridge we caught were our diet. It is probably the healthiest way to live though perhaps the pasta and rice were not that great for us, they are probably the only things that kept us from starving some years. The problem is that to live that way can be expensive especially in the cold months.

I have no way to put food by like my mom did except for in the freezer and I have a very small freezer. I could can some stuff and dedicate a shelf to it but that requires a proper kitchen and I don't have one. I have the basics, a one burner induction stove (cooks using magnetism), a toaster oven which can bake anything up to the size of four slices of bread but is not meant for hours of baking (its timer tops out at 30 min), And finally a medium sized microwave. Though I suppose if I wanted to I could cook a lot of things in a microwave that you normally do on a stove. I even saw someplace that you can use it to sterilize the mason jars used in canning though I'm not sure how it would do making brine and preparing fruits and vegetables for the jars.

Using the microwave might be worth pursuing as there are a lot of U-pick farms in the area where I could get fruits and vegetables for less than you would pay retail as long as you are willing to put in the time to pick, clean and peel as needed. I have nothing but time these days.

Whoops, Got thinking about St Joes and the fact that they haven't gotten back to me so I decided to attack from a different angle specifically the Mental Health Association in town. I got two numbers from her and a renewal of hope that I can do what the doctor told me to do. Now if I could just get the exercise part in place I would be all set. Its not like I don't have the resources its just that the reasons are not important enough to make me actually do it. I have books, CDs, ebooks, videos, podcasts and tons of other resources including a band, a ball and a pair of cuff weights though I gave my barbells away to my friend.

I live in a place where walking is a joy as you are either going up the mountain or down it, there are walking paths all over the place. There is an outdoor pool, a track, a ball diamond and tennis courts just across the road and a block away is a yoga centre. Downtown there is a YMCA and a dance studio. Everything a fitness fan could possibly want and yet I sit here in my room in front of this computer thinking instead of doing.

Everything I've read and everyone I've spoken to about it says "Just do it" but how do you just "do it". I suppose it is a simple as making an unbreakable appointment for yourself. I could do that, but again I have no real incentive. Sure my body is failing and my heart could just give out or I could die of aphixiation in my sleep should the snoring be of that type yet here I sit.

It doesn't feel urgent though I know I am quickly running out of time, when I was 50 the doctor told me that if I didn't get it under control I would die by the time I was 55. Now I'm not calling him a liar in fact I'm sure he is quite correct yet it doesn't matter enough for me to make the change. Perhaps he is right perhaps I am bent on suicide though goodness knows this is a long drawn out way of doing it. Starvation would be faster but I do like to eat so that really isn't an option for me. Even fasting for a 24 hours is difficult for me, I can barely last 12 hours, and I wouldn't have done it then if I hadn't needed to have an empty stomach for the gastrophy and empty bowels for the other one.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

15/03/2012

Half the month gone again and I am still in the same place, maybe even a little worse off than when the month began. Between the headache and vomiting in the of the night it was a rough night. The headache did go away after I ate properly but man, waking up at six in the morning to puke is not fun. My throat is still sore from the force of it. I guess it is an object lesson 1) do not eat after 8pm my body doesn't like it and 2) Sauce n cake's are off limits from now on, between the white cake and the sweet caramel sauce I'm not sure which is worse for my stomach but I know something is..

I have 15 days to get all my ducks in a row. Movement, diet and relaxation all must be planned and the necessary lists prepared. Then I have to do it. That is the hard part but with the spring coming it will not be too bad. Too much planning not enough action that's me. The reason I have chosen April 1st is because persauding myself to go outside to walk will not be as hard as it would be if there was snow on the ground. Also it is the beginning of the second quarter which means I still have nine months to lose the first thirty odd pounds. If I can carry a baby that long then I can work that long to get a healthier body and if the gods are willing a sounder mind as well. I am waiting to hear back from the intake officer at St Joes once that is done I will get three months of therapy at least on the OHIP system.

Every time I start thinking about therapy my head aches even more. I guess there are things in there I want to keep hidden. It is too late, at least that is what my inner critic would have me beleive. I am too old to change and why should I want to any way. The truth is I am not really happy in this self induced hermitage. I miss talking to people besides the Professor. I miss sitting with my friends over a coffee and discussing the chldren (grandchildren now), I miss laughter and music. I even miss church a little. I did not set out to be alone. I had plans for my retirement but between the fibro and the depression none of then have even begun to become true. I was going to have fun but for the past few years all I have done is sit in front of this computer and played games. I have friends here who have not seen me since I came last summer. There are three parks in this city that hold all kinds of events and I have not been to even one. The Royal Botanical Gardens are just a short bus ride away and I haven't been there yet even though it was one of the main reasons I came last summer.

I live between a lake and a mountain, you would think that with such a variety of terrain my inner explorer would be anxious to get out and check it out. Even my camera only took maybe a hundred photos in the past 12 months when I ussually take a thousand or more. I know the truth of these words and yet... here I sit playing games and complaining. I blame the fibro or I blame the depression or I blame the weather but the truth is the only one to blame is me. Well my inner safety monitor any way. I hear it in my head nearly everytime I think about going out for a walk. "It isn't safe out there, stay here where nothing can hurt you".

The problem of course is that I am hurting myself in a number of ways. Cutting myself off from the rest of the human race is not a good thing. My mind and my body get weaker and weaker the longer I sit in front of this computer. I haven't even picked up my knitting needles except when I am at the Professors and that was only because he expects me to. I am obviously not getting enough Vitamin D nor am I feeding my soul in any way. Games can not fill the mind the way new sights and sounds can.

I go to bed late and I get up late. When I sleep it is usually four hours asleep, then 30 to 60 minutes minimum before I go back to sleep for another four hours. I wake up to go to the bathroom or like last night to get sick or sometimes it's my restless legs that wake me up. I hardly dream and when I do they are usually nightmares.

There was more I wanted to say but for now it is gone. I got side-tracked with my phone checking out the settings and stuff because I haven't heard it ring in awhile. Turns out I had that disabled for some reason. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

14/03/2012

Barely controlled anger, strong irritation what ever it is it is making me snappish and inclined to violence. OK not the kind of mayhem you are probably imagining, irritation is not new but I have seldom felt it this strong before. My poor cat if I were not still in control it is possible he could get hurt. When I put him on the floor out of my way I do it with more strength than I should. It is more of a drop from a foot than the way I used to place him on the floor or the bed. I have been swatting him to get him out of my way instead of just stopping him. It isn't a hard swat but it is a swat just the same.

I called the Professor to come get him because of the anger I feel building up inside me and since he is inclined to question me on every little thing instead of just doing what I want him to do I ended up hanging up. Oh I gave the proper curtosies but I could hear my voice they came out hard and cold. I don't know if it is because the psych intake office called me this morning or it is lack of sleep or this constant ache in my head amd left shoulder but whatever it is I feel out of control. I do not like to feel out of control. My self control is all that stands between me and a mess. I feel like if I let go I will destroy myself and anyone who happens to be near me. I fear the violence I know is deep inside me. Only these days it doesn't feel so deep, it seems closer to the surface than it has been in a very long time.

I am afraid, sadly I am afraid of what I may be capable of than I am of anything else. Someone I knew once said that the only person I have ever harmed was myself. I accept that this is true, all my anger has been turned on myself, it is safer. My brothers put people in the hospital when they allowed their anger to run free. The last time I did I threw a woman half again my size out of my home and busted a finger on her face. The time before that I pitched a man out of my door. He wasn't much bigger than me but still I pushed him hard enough that he went a good two feet before he got his balance back.

It was a long time ago and before I learned complete control. At least towards the outside world. To my body I did all the damage I could afford with alcohol and cigarettes and sex. Thankfully I never got into the drug scene or I would have overdosed on them the way I overdosed on painkillers. Codine was such a good number but these days it only increases the pain not make it go away. Even alcohol doesn't do it for me, it makes me sick for days even after just one drink.

Sex well a couple of years ago you couldn't have convinced my no matter how you tried that it would ever turn into a once every six months kind of thing instead of a daily need. I figure I have the anti-depressants to thank for freeing my mind of that addiction. And no I don't smoke any more either. The Professor made me give it up because in his words, "I don't want to kiss an ashtray". Talk about your sweet talk.

I am wondering if the generic Welbutin just wasn't doing its job properly. I have taken three of the name brand ones and while I still have the shakes I have also noted the quick erosion of my self control. Though that might be the combination of the anacid and the pure welbutin as I have been taking them both for the same amount of time.

I haven't taken them yet this morning I should do that. My eyes are stinging and they have been tearing up for the last couple of days. I don't allow myself to cry unless I want someone to hear me and come comfort me. Crying doesn't solve the problem but like most things there are rules. My eyes leak sometimes because the tear ducts have to drain the excess  once in awhile. Silent crying they call it and I am a past master unless like I said before I want someone to hear and come to comfort me. The Professor got wise to it after awhile and stopped coming, I suppose that is when I gave up crying except from extreme pain or sadness. The last time I cried even for a little was at my dad's funeral and I went off by myself so no one would see me.

I need to take my meds and maybe today I will allow myself a nap. I didn't yesterday and I am wondering it that is what triggered the anger. Whatever it was writing has calmed me a bit so I best get back to my day.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

13/03/2012

My eyes keep tearing up. I am not sure if the pink eye is back or if it is because of the headache. It's a hell of a choice add a headache to my already full body of pain or suffer from acid reflux and heartburn in the middle of the night. What is worse is that the pain killers do not seem to be making a dent in it nor drinking water to hydrate my brain. Not even caffine is helping. I do not know what to do, well actually I do I need to choose, the problem is I don't want to have to.

Tired today but I think that is an effect of dealing with the headache since yesterday afternoon. I did manage to get a couple of more pages in the journal done though including a pop art one that I think may turn out to be kinda cool when it is done. I couldn't afford ink so I use liquid watercolor, it actually did a half way decent job. After I get done here I will work on it a little more. The original that I am copying had rings and drips like someone put a coffee mug on it but I am not sure I want to do that, as it is despite putting a kleenex between the pages some of the watercolor seeped through the page. Not badly but enough to be noticeable but definitly there.

I also want to tackle the oil pastel landscape, the crayon landscape and the white on black page. Though I am still not sure how I will do that last. Obviously crayon is out. I do have some black watercolor that might work for the background but I was thinking about paint. I suppose I could mix it with Gesso as long as I make sure I saturate it so that it comes out black not gray. If I mix a bit more blue into it I may even be able to get the blue black I see in my mind. For the white I have several options. Gesso of course though I'm not sure how good it is for fine work mostly I use it as an extra layer between the paper and the paint or what ever I'm using. I also have a white crayon, paint pen, correction pen, water soluable crayon, pencil crayon or gel pen I can use to do the white part once the black is dry. Depends on what kind of image I intend to use for that part. If it requires fine lines then I need to go with one of the pens, if I want it a bit messier or broader lines then I need to use one of the crayons. I am still working that out in my head. The image I was thinking about is an Erte and the lines are fine and made up of dots. If I go with that style the corrector pen or the paint pen will be ideal.

WTF, I get the headache to fade a bit and then I start feeling pain in my left shoulder joint where the arm joins the chest. I can't win for losing today I swear. The day outside is beautiful but in here I hurt too much to really enjoy it. I would love to go out and walk a bit but the idea of getting dressed just seems like way too much work right now.

I am whining a lot today but that is part of what this chronicle is about, to track my days, the good ones and the bad ones. I wonder if the grammer police would turn one of these into a solid mass of red. I really need to relearn the rules of the comma because I am absolutly certain I am not using them right. Not to mention all the other grammer mistakes I make. It has been a long time since I really cared if I actually was spelling things right or how readable my writing is. I suppose though if I want to publish a short story or three I need to get the grammer amd spelling right. Unless I could make the mistakes part of my "voice". LOL my "voice" sounds like the country bumpkin I was born, a red-neck maybe, a hillbilly almost certainly. I was born in a different time. It feels more like a hundred years ago instead of nearly 52. 

When I think that until I went to school I had no real idea of what indoor plumbing was nor why any one would put a bathroom inside it makes me laugh. :) Yep, I was born in 1960, and I lived in a shack without plumbing or electricity. It seems incredible now but the only toilet we had at home was an outhouse until I was 16. Baths were taken in a big aluminum tub or at the beach. And light was supplied by lanterns, the kind that run on propane or oil. Heat was a big wood stove.

Not long after we moved into our first modern house the furnace blew up and rather than get it fixed my dad just put a box stove in the living room to provide heat. Though mom did get to cook on an electric stove and we had electric lights and indoor plumbing. I guess it was hard for him to give up what he was used to. I don't think he ever even figured out the VCR let alone anything else electronic beyond the radio and maybe the TV.

Sadly we also never really knew what to do with a shower though we did bathe once in awhile. I was just thinking that in the 30 years Dad lived there I don't think the toilet bowl got cleaned even once and for the first couple of years we kept forgetting to flush the toilet. The bathroom was in a real sorry state when we sold the house. I blame the fact that I don't shower nearly as often as I should on those 15 years without a shower to learn on. LOL isn't that a sorry state of affairs. Oh well I am who I am, the fact that reaching over my head or behind me actually hurts now doesn't help much. It just makes me even more reluctant to shower. Thankfully I don't eat a lot of spicy foods or drink so I don't smell really rank just a little sweaty. LOL I know more info than you needed. Shrug...I am at 1100 words so I think I will stop for today. I didn't realize I had that much to say.