Sunday, January 29, 2012

29/01/2012

I was just thinking about my past. At my Aunt's funeral my cousin J mentioned that while going through her photos she saw that nearly every photo of her included me. When we were little she lived with my aunt down a small hill from where I lived with my parents. She was the only girl in her family and all of her brothers were ten years or better older than here. I was only two. Shortly before she came to live with my aunt my mother had had a stillbirth so I think I kinda latched onto her as if she were my little sister, the baby that was not going to grow up.

We spent a lot of time together as we were the youngest people around for quite a ways and her house was two minutes from mine. I began school before her but we were still friends for a long time. Until I went to Grade six which was a bus ride away. I do not know what happened to her the two years between me going to junior high and her getting there but things began to change between us. In high school we barely spoke to each other and by the time I graduated she went with her circle and I went with mine. After high schoo; we just stopped talking. She went her way and I went mine.

Her life path gave her a husband, a good job, social standing and a house, mine  well read my about me page and you will see where mine went. What was the big difference? She was not molested and her step-dad was not an alcoholic. Those were the main two things that seperated us. I regret not being more careful and I regret the lonely life I led, still lead because I do not trust easily or quickly. Also if you lose my trust you never get it back, I am simply not able to forgive and forget though I have tried.

I put it into the back of my mind and every time you make a promise my inner cynic says I'll beleive it when I see it, if you are nice to me my mind automaticallt wonders what you want from me, if we argue and you say the opposite of what I do or dismiss what I am saying eventually I will ask what you want me to say. Then if you tell me I will say it or refrute it if I can. If you don't leave off I will begin to shake and cry and I will walk away.

I yell when I am excited, if I am angry I will cry or go all still and cold. I am aware of these things about myself, aware that they are what is keeping me from having a halfway societally acceptable life. What is refered to as a regular life. I am aware but do not seem to be able to get past these self defeating behaviours. I suppose some time with a shrink might help but I can't afford one and the wait to get one of the community sponsored ones is six months or better. By the time I get the call it may not matter any longer.

I have tried journalling it out but have not much luck so far, I tried to dance it out but my then BIL made some snide remark about my dancing and I quit. That goes back to a story from my very early years. like grade one which I will not cover here. Suffice it to say I have never danced just for the pleasure of doing it since. I am thinking about trying dance therapy again but have not built my courage up enough yet.

Anyway I miss J and I think she was and is the only best friend I have ever had, I am very much a loner and have been for a long, long time. I seldom miss the company of others and when I do I just go down to the mall and get my fill of people noise then come back to my quiet room and my cat and this computer. Most of the time it is enough for me. I admit I occasionally get bored but funnily enough I do not feel lonely, well not yet anyway. I have been here on my own since July 2011, not even a whole year yet.

I think about going back to Toronto but I don't really want to, it really is too crowded and too fast paced for me these days

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

24/01/2012- Explict

Just when I think things can't look any worse up comes Bertie with news that I could have used a month ago. If I had wanted to I did not have to gather and turn in all those receipts. I would have to live off the $5000 for two or three months but that would not have been so bad, its a lot more than I was living on before. Even with those receipts they can end my OW assistance for those two or three months rather I like it or not, then what do I do?. My meds cost a couple of hundred a month plus my rent is $435, thankfully I don't have any other bills to worry about except the cell and the professor holds that back every month anyway since it is on his credit card and groceries. I am learning to take family sized meals and portion them into four meals or so for myself. The freezer is incredibly useful for that.But I don't have any of it left, what do I do ask the Professor or the Italian for the money I gave them back? Take the microwave and toaster oven back and get my money back for them? How am I supposed to pay my rent or eat or get my meds? I hope I do not have to find out, I really do. My rent is up to date thankfully but I don't want to have to deal with an eviction notice or cause Warner trouble that way, he is a pretty good landlord and this place is the nicest one I've lived in for a long while... here's hoping that she finds for me and doesn't assess me a penalty or if she does let it be an overpayment so I can have my drug and dental. I have a tooth that really needs to come out and as I said earlier my meds cost a lot. As it is I am almost out of the Ciprilex and it is by far the most expensive over a hundred bucks for thirty days worth and the Welbutin another forty or so. Then there is the B50's I have to take every day and the pain killers that make it possible for me to move with some speed and the tums for the acid in my stomach. On top of that I have to eat iron rich foods, avoid lactose and anything made with white flour. The doctor says avoid glutin in any form but that is hard since I am not much of a rice and potatoes gal, I like my pasta and bread, some weeks I eat nothing except sandwiches cause the thought of cooking any thing sends my body into spasms. I haven't opened a can that didn't have a pull tab in months cause my hands can't work a regular can opener and the electric one I got for Christmas has this really short plug so I can't plug it in until I get an extesion cord of some sort. Anyone who thinks living with Fibro can't be that bad has never had it. Even I would not have beleived it if I hadn't been living with it for a while.
The word Dance keeps coming up for me. It has been appearing all over the place, I am thinking I need to do some but I am not a good dancer, I could be I suppose but I was scared by an episode in my childhood and other than a waltz or two I haven't danced anything since my twenties. Actually I may have been even younger since I felt the beat in my feet and the joy in my spirit that comes with dancing tribally and other free form dances. Since I am alone that is the kind of dance I would be doing. I am tired but then I've been tired for a month, even dosing myself with iron hasn't helped, I am beginning to think I need to go up to B100. That and I don't know find something that helps with the menopause without the need for the bleeding every month. I am glad it is gone even if it does mean my vagina is a bit drier. Wish they had a cure for anal tears. It is a pain in the ass (literally) when I tear my anus open and bleed while I'm eliminating. I think out right hemrroids have/has to be better than that. And it takes weeks for it to heal again.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Two

Have I written about this before? It doesn't really matter...I am thinking about it so I need to get it out. There have been two things that occur with obscene regularity.

One is the number two, In my life I can count on there being two of nearly everything in my life from my children to past relationships.

The second is eyes, eyes appear in nearly everything I make in one form or another, not the eyeball staring at you kind of eyes but styalized, artistic and sometimes others don't see them but I do. Eyes are the first thing I notice about people

See there are even two things I can count on finding in everything I do. I am not sure why that is but I thought I would share.

19/01/2012

My eyes hurt...long, long hours in front of a small screen with inadequate lighting- or rather the lighting in the wrong place. It would have been better if I had put the lamp behing me somehow but the only thing behind me is a rolltop type desk with a bookcase on top, No place to place a lamp but I'm going to have to do something. My eyes have been bugging me for a week now. What I should do is get off my butt and head to the nearest walk in clinic problem is with my OW suspended I got no way to pay for my regular meds let alone an antibiotic or something. I've been using the clear eyes but I'm not sure that over the long term they are safe or adequate. Still it is better than nothing I suppose

These entries are full of angst that is because my life is full of angst right now not to mention the stress of trying to figure out how to keep a roof over my head. Thankfully I had enough to keep it for January at least February is gonna be touch and go if I can't get back on OW for awhile, $435 a month adds up quickly. And that is just the rent, I have to figure out how to get food as well. Though the food banks here are not too bad I hate having to use them, beats starving I guess.

I have had about four hours sleep. My legs began to jump around 8 am and I kicked my poor kitty, when I had an all over body jerk I figured I might as well get up casue as long as my body is doing that I am not going to be able to sleep. Normally I sleep through it but it happens I have some dishes on my stove that needed to come off (Cafe World not real world) before they spoiled.

My schedule says I sit down at 9 a.m. and write a 750 word blog entry. I am sure you have heard of the morning papers well this if a version of that. Stream of conciousness is a bit difficult when you are typing but it is still possible. My hands tend to cramp if I write for long periods of time and three pages , single spaced takes a long time . The other thing is this way I can practice doing a regular amount of typing every day so that when I sit down to write a story or work on a novelette I will have practiced typing on a regular basis so that it will be a habit. Habits are inportant, These days they tend to refer to them as practices in the olden days they were called ...damn lost the word... it will come back to me I'm sure... habit, routine... yes i think the word I was thinking of was routine. You had a certain way and a certain order to your day. It was the only way you were able to run a house back before running water and electricity. I have a hard time with routines...I tend towards scattered, I can focus on things I really like to do and get them done but stuff I hate like dishes I have a harder time with. I only started making my bed every day mainly because it makes the room look neater. I tend to do a lot of things that make the room look neater. backlash from growing up with a hoarder I guess. Though honestly mom wasn't as bad as those people you see on TV and least we had more than a path to get from one room to another. Strange the things you remember.

Yesterday from out of the blue I started thinking about my ex-husband, (not the Professor), and that led me to mistake #2 an alcoholic I took up with around the time my mother died. In paticular I remember trying to walk home after drinking at a friends house. I sat down under a tree to rest for a minute and woke up to find him standing over me shaking me. Thankfully this was in the summer else I could have frozen. I think that is what started me on the road to recovery.

Ah yes the #2 it is so much a part of my life I don't even think about it much any more. There have been two long term relationships, two rebound relationships and two relationships from hell. In all I remember eight relationships, the other two are peple I regret hurting because they were reasonably nice guys who just came into my life at the wrong time, course there were two lucky escapes and two abusers that changed me in a deep way. Oh and if you are counting we are up to 12. There were many, many others but they are the ones I carry with me always, most of the others are blanks.

I was a sex addict, were it not for my medication I would probably still be whoring around but the ciprelex controls my libido, not sure how it does but it does. I think the doctor figured if I thought less about sex I might actually be able to make some progress in my life. So far it isn't working but that's probably because I haven't found something I want to do now that I don't want to have sex.

I've been a bit long winded today but that is a good thing it means I am actually thinking about things and trying to come to terms with them,

Have a great day

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

18/01/2012

It was the strangest thing, this morning I woke up with a bruise on my clicker finger of my mouse hand. It wasn't on the knuckle  but appears to go from the knuckle up towards the nail. As long as I don't use that finger much it is fine but just sitting here typing makes it sting, Beyond that my right side of my body is experiencing a flare up from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. The only thing I can think of is that when I went shopping on Monday I hurt myself man-handling my little cart. It was overfull and very heavy. At first I thought I had just got some ink on me but it didn't wash off. I also found a couple of small ones on the palm of my right hand that's why I figure it has to do with the cart.

Today my baby sister turns 40. It is strange to think that we are that old. I still remember us as kids running around and playing in the yard, now we all have a bit of difficulty getting up to a run let alone doing it for long periods of time.I myself am in my fifty-second year. I felt strange when I reached the half century I hadn't beleived I would ever make it to my fifth decade. Given my lifestyle up until I was forty I probably wouldn't have but in ten years I was able to eliminate every bad habit I had. Now if I could just learn to like movement more I'd be all set.

I stopped drinking, stopped smoking and even though I didn't think it possible I even stopped craving sex all within ten years. Of course with all those bad habits gone I now sit in front of my computer about 18 hours a day and weigh approx twice what I did in my twenties. Like I said if they could make exercise as much fun as the computer I'd be right there but it really is a chore for me right now to even consider going to the grocery store let alone the six kilometer walks I used to take.

Besides my ongoing issues with Fibro and depression, I am obese and suffer great pain both inside and out. You would think that would make me more inclined to take care of myself but it doesn't. For the last week, ever sense we got that bit of a cold snap after New Years I have been sleeping far more than I should. Up to twelve hours some days. My head aches, my eyes have an infection or something cause my vision is all blurry, my ears hurt, on and on and on. I could start at the top of my head and work down to my toes with complaints but the truth is my body aches every where it seems. I don't think it is the flu but it could well be. I do have to take the bus when I go out so lord knows what king of virii I have been exposed to.

The worst by far is my vision. All the letters are doubled and the eyes thenselves feel dry and they sting. That is when I can keep them open. They were so bloodshot the other day I had to use eyedrops twice instead of just the once I ussually need to do. Feeling so tired.

I put some structure back in my days I need some structure if I don't have any I end up playing my game on Facebook for hours and hours or sleeping for hours and hours. I really want to focus on writing this year. I am still struggling with a word for the Year though I thought I had chosen one. Thing is right at this moment all I can remember is last years word which was focus. Perhaps that will be my word for this year as well since last year I didn't do the focus thing that well, I was still all over the place. Last year should have been change because it was a year of many changes both in myself and in my enviroment.

Lord I really can't recall what I chose, I remember it was an odd word and had to do with imagination and being creative. Ahh well I'm sure it will come back or another word will make itself heard. I am almost at my 750 words and I am seriously thinking about lying down again even though I only woke up a couple of hours ago.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

14/01/2012

How does your morning begin? How does your day go? Is it routine or is it different every day?

These days mine is pretty routine:

6:30-6:45 Somewhere in this time frame I wake up to go to the bathroom. While I'm taking care of business Cooper is doing his morning prowl, making sure no cats have moved in while he slept.

7:00- 7:30 After the bathroom, I feed Cooper his wet food and change out his water and dry food after I fill the kettle and turn it on for my morning coffee. Then I make my bed.

After the bed & making sure Cooper is fed I will a) turn on the computer to check cafe world or b) clean his litter box

7:30- 8:00 I will be catching up on cafe world, drinking my coffee and occasionally giving Cooper a morning pet. I open the blinds and open the window to freshen up the air in the room seldom for more than 5 minutes this early in the morning especially now that the winter is here

8:00- 9:00 Depending on the day I will be checking email, playing cafe world or having my breakfast while I read. It really depends on what kind of pain day I am having, the more severe the pain the more I play. I take my morning medication during this time. four pills, one vitamin B, one Welbutin and two painkillers

By 9:00/9:30 at least for the last week or so I will be getting sleepy but will try to get my 750 words in for the day. Today I am early but that is because I haven't done my basic chores yet. today the day is all topsy turvey, I think because I know I have to go get groceries today and I'm putting off the routine cause the longer I wait to do it the more time I have before I have to go out and brave the cold.

Ussually by 10 AM I'll be sleeping again. This is partially the winter blues and partially that during the cold days my fibro acts up more than usual. If I am not sleeping I'll be checking email and monitoring my cafe. I spend almost as much time in the game as I would if I had a real cafe except in the game I don't have to deal with rude customers and worse cooks and servers.

I will sleep until 1:00  usually then get up, get dressed and go do any running around I have to do. I get back between 3:00 and 4:00. I will check into my game, plan my supper and read until fiveish.

At five or shortly thereafter the professor will call and tell me about his day. I usually play solsuite while I am talking to him. Half an hour to an hour later we will say our good-byes and I will make my supper. I will feed Cooper the last of his moist food around this time too

While I am eating I watch videos. In December I began Medium and am almost through the 5th season. When I have watched all six seasons (how many I have downloaded) I will begin watching something else. I have a Japanese anime series ready to go. Sometimes if there is a movie I really want to watch I will rent it through the iTunes store or download it as a torrent. Depends on how much money I have in my itunes account. Right now it is getting down and I will need to get another set of gift cards soon.

After eating it is back to cafe world, reading and watching videos. Sometimes I will surf using the Kobo while watching the shows. Sometimes if I feel the need to be active I will knit a bit. I have found that I can't just sit and watch TV I have to be doing something, I need to keep my hands busy.

Sometime between 11 and midnight I will get into my night clothes, brush my teeth and play my card games. I will still be monitoring cafe world and will put some long cooking stuff on the stoves so I don't feel obligated to get up in the middle of the night to serve and start new dishes. I did that for awhile but I was getting some pretty choppy sleep so I stopped.

Once in awhile if I have a deadline coming up I will stay up until all hours to make sure the dishes are served in time. I've been known to stay awake until 7 AM if the deadline is an important one ie one that gives me a stove or some spices.

And that is my typical day. I like being retired! No one to complain at me if I spend hours playing games instead of doing "real work". I love it.

What is your typical day like? I would like to hear from you so please comment below.

Friday, January 13, 2012

13/01/2012- Tangents

I just realized that today was the first Friday the thirteenth of the year. No wonder I'm having such a hard time staying on topic.

My goal for 2011 was to get debt free and I am officially that, the goal for this year is to get my funeral stuff worked out so that there will be one less thing for the kids to worry about when I pass. Dad's funeral would have been debt free if Brenda hadn't wanted to add those flowers. Not a big deal I suppose. I also need to get my will written and in the hands of a lawyer. Tangent one not sure why this came up but this and the other stuff that follows is stuff that I typed while trying to update the 101 in 1001 challenge

I got a Kobo Vox for Christmas and I have been reading ebook fiction. I have missed a good escape. It feels like a very long time since I read anything that wasn't a how-to or a DIY type book. I just finished reading "The Help", I was a bit disappointed that it was a work of fiction but for all that it certainly could have been the real thing. I picked up the "Game of Thrones" series and have begun re-reading the first one. I felt I missed a lot the first time through. This way I can make notes as I read to help me understand the characters. I also watched the TV show before I read the books and it made the confusion worse because I was thinking about the show and trying to see the scene I was reading as it was presented on the TV. You all can guess how that went.

It is worse than the Sookie Stackhouse books, the TV series is getting further and further away from what was written in the books, sometimes to the extent that it is a whole new story that has only one thing in common with the others and that is Sookie.

Ahh perhaps I am too much of a pureist, the Professor thinks so. I don't know about you but Romeo and Julliet just isn't the same when they substitute guns for swords and Dracula just doesn't work with a miminalist stage setting, it just doesn't. I went to Stratford to see that Dracula and I walked out after the first act, I just could not get into it. The Romeo and Juliet they made with Leo Dicaprio, I watched five minutes of it, saw the guns called swords and I turned it off, I have refused to even consider watching it since. it just didn't sit right with me.

About the only show I have seen that has consistently lived up to my expectations is Midsummer's Night Dream, I love that play! I've seen three different versions of it and it has not disappointed ever. I think even if they were to substitute a motorcycle for the bicycles it would still work. There is not much you can change about the part that takes part in the woods but I'm sure someone somewhere will give it a try one of these days

I think that is all I'm going to write today. I have slept very little this past night between the pain and the fire alarm going off in the middle of the night.

I have slept very little this past night so I suspect I will be napping a lot during the day. BRB I need my coffee

Day 122 -101 in 1001 Challenge

I think the scarves were a hit, at least I had something to give to them either way I got them knit and passed out. The comfort dolls are still waiting to be finished, I really need to take some time and do that.

I visited a new restaurant called Mr Dumpling, I like their food, I plan to go back there again soon, it is fast food but doesn't feel that way.

The reading of my books has halted for the time being, I got a KOBO VOX for Christmas. So while I am reading it is e-books not the ones on my shelves

I am sure there are other things I need to update but my brain keeps wandering so that's it for this week.

12/01/2012

I am off to Social Services shortly to turn in the papers they requested regarding the inheritance I receieved. It has taken me this long to get all the paper work. Sheesh pay someone off and they feel like they can take their own sweet time getting back to you.
I slept with my window partially open last night and today I am getting cold sweats. Hopefully what ever this is won't bug me for long. After I deliver that paperwork I am going to come back here and sleep for a week I swear. As it is I may wait until after lunch to go downtown. Then I can sleep for a bit longer and maybe the worst of the bad weather will have passed. A girl can hope...
Ok so I am smart consistent I did my thing downtown and then I came back and slept. Seems I'm doing that a lot lately. Like gritting my teeth, it hurts after awhile but it helps the body pain a little.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

11/01/2012

To begin to live we must put away our playthings, be they Facebook games or Social Networking. In order to give ourselves some sense of being we need to create. It could be a simple note like this one or a cloth doll or even knitting a blanket. In each case we are required to use our hands for something else besides clicking mouse buttons and our heads for calculating how many burners of what type we are going to need to finish our current catering order.

Strange as it may seem it was not until last night when I was unable to connect to Cafe World that I began to realize just how much time I had been investing in that game. Now I am trying to avoid playing but I can feel myself getting ready to type in that URL and catch up from where I left off to where I expected to be today. Thing is there is really nothing in my life that currently requires my attention as much as Cafe Worl except my cat.

I sleep until I wake up, I take care of Cooper and make my coffee. I come here and do my 750 word Daily pages, I check my email, drink my coffee then settle in for a full day of playing Cafe World which despite all of the problems fascinates me. Perhaps an off shoot of my oft repeated dream to run a real life Cafe even though I know physically right now I would not be able to manage the work required. Maybe later when I become slimmer and get some of my energy back, at least that is my hope. Again I think I plan but action eludes me. It is easier to sit in this chair and play my game all day.

Cooper is not a demanding cat but at least three times a day he will get between me and the laptop to be petted, his way of saying I need a break. I am usually grateful but sometimes if I'm in the middle of something it pisses me off. Poor Cooper he never knows if he's gonna get petted or cursed and put down on the floor. Sometimes I'm not sure myself.

I thought I would have a lot to say today but I am only half way through and inspiration is running thin, another effect of playing the game all day, I'm either talking about it or I'm talking about Cooper. I have a couple of friends here but I am not a social person I prefer my own company to that of others. I read and I write and I play my game, I talk to the Professor for about an hour a day or rather he does the talking most of the time. Irregardless my life is uncomplicated, if I could get past the guilt of wasting my time playing a game and start doing other stuff I have waiting for me to do I would be perfectly happy at least for this season in my life. It is the guilt thing that I have a hard time dealing with. There are others who tell me I should be more active, I should spend less time playing and more time working except that I have no work except for my game. Crafting is supposed to be fun not something you have to do, yet I know people who treat it like a job or have turned it into their job. Sometimes I think I would like to be like that but other times I am glad I am not.

My way of living doesn't make a lot of sense to overachievers like the Professor, or busy parents like my daughter or even singles like my friend Bella who works because she has to pay her rent. I am lucky in that I suppose, I got a nice place in a good neighborhood that doesn't cost me every cent I have coming in. I think about going back to Toronto, (that is where they live), and I change my mind a dozen times in a minute. I miss the Professor and Bella, I even miss roundhead once in awhile but I do not miss the stress on achievement or the high price of living there. This city may be way smaller and sadly way poorer than Toronto but I like it here.

If I need food or clothes or even company there are places I can go that do not cost a whole lot of money to go to except maybe a bus ticket. I miss my friends but I do not miss the go go lifestyle. Neighbor is fussing cause my dishes are in the sink so he can't do his but I got to wait until the water is cool enough it won't burn me while I wash them. This floor is a whole lot different than the basement but I am getting used to it. The big thing is that Cooper is safe here. He is the only cat on the floor so he doesn't have to fight which is good considering that his first owner took out his front claws

Monday, January 9, 2012

09/01/2012

I have been so busy the last few days that I plum forgot to come and talk to you all. On Saturday I spent the day shopping. It was time to spend my inheritance. As a participant of the Ontario Works program I am not allowed to have savings since it is meant as short term support for those between jobs. There is no real category for someone who is sick enough they can't keep a job but not sick enough to receive Disability. Add in Single female over fifty and you have a subset of people who fall through the cracks. THere are other subset as well but that is mine. Ontario Works treat all singles the same which is good I suppose but it causes stresses I have difficulty dealing with. Like finding a decent place to live and eating every month. I am tempted to soften what I say but I write this because it is true and I am basically an honest person who will call a pot black if it is.

Anyway I had to move from Toronto because the money they give singles adds up to $12000 a year which is maybe enough to rent a room in someones basement. Here I have a nice room with a big window that can be opened if I want to open it. I only have to share the kitchen and bathroom with six other tenents or six rooms anyway. It is possible more than one person lives in a room one or two of them are certainly large enough if you like each others company a lot.

So I had to spend $5000 dollars. As it happened I had a couple of debts that added up to $4000 so I only had to figure out how to spend $1000. $1500 went out to pay the Professor for the money I ran up on his credit card after I moved out. He was a bit pissy about it and constantly reminded me that I owed him so I was glad to be able to shut him up. $2500 I also sent to the Professor to pass along to an old friend who he works with. That old friend was nice and helped me pay off my student loan. In truth I could have sent the whole $5000 to this person but As I said I wanted to pay of the Professor and I did have a few things I wanted to buy like clothes and another sheet for my bed. I have a very hard time spending money on myself so instead of booking a $500 spa day which is what I wanted to do I bought myself a KOBO Vox. I've only had it for a couple of days but I am constantly playing with it. Yesterday I was able to read nearly a whole book just lying in bed. See normally if I want to read I have to do it on my computer. I don't have very many paper books. Electronic ones are easier to store :) I bought a fridge that is all fridge, I already have a freezer and besides the freezers that come with the room size fridges are not good for much at all, they are way too small. After I had the KOBO and the fridge I still had a fair amount left so I bought a small, microwave, toaster oven and hot plate so that if I want to I can do all my cooking and baking in my room and I don't have to go anywhere near that gas monster in the kitchen. Gas stoves are one of my phobias, snakes are another though oddly enough I do like spiders.

Strange for a female I guess. Certainly the Professor thinks so. He is terrified of spiders.  I also got another set of Ikea shelves a two by four cube this time to function as a pantry. That way I can get my ornament shelf back and display the angels I got for Christmas.

I am eating fruit that I stored in my new fridge overnight. I think I had the temp way too low cause it is frozen in sections and very cold in others. Still it is good. I wish cutting up fruit didn't bug my hands so much. I love fresh fruit but I have to but the canned stuff or the party tray things. I suppose I could try the frozen fruit but it always seems to get all mushy if it's allowed to thaw out and frozen is ifficult to eat cause my teeth complain about the cold. I am getting tired again. Have a good day hopefully I will see you tomorrow

Friday, January 6, 2012

06/01/2012

It is odd that I should make my morning pages public, by and large they are not supposed to be but I find I write better if I think I am writing to someone other than myself.
After my acknowledgement yesterday I sat and thought for a bit. You see I thought the medication I'm on was supposed to remove those thoughts some how. Make me better but all they do is make it easier to think. Before I went on the Ciprilex my head always felt it was filled with cotton wool. Soft, yeilding but incredibly dense slowing my thoughts down to a crawl or more like a creep you know that roly poly way babies have of getting around until they figure out crawling. Basically it made it hard to think connected thoughts for any length of time. The Ciprilex at least gives me a fairly clear head most of the time so I can tell when I'm going into deep depression and act accordingly.
It is usually about the time my brain goes foggy that I start to need to go out and about. The out and about always helps if only by helping me rest enought that my mind can work through whatever it is that is bugging me. At times it takes a month or more like the last two months since my father died. Christmas was real bad for me this year because of that. It was also a necessary time of healing.
The big thing of course is that he would have been 82 approximatly two weeks after his death. Christmas was a little over two months after his death and for me it was a bad period. I remembered Christmas at their house and finally realized that that wouldn't happen any more.
I also received my inheritance in that time period and ended up having a fight with my daughter over what she feels she is owed. I can not give it to her and I know she carries a lot of resentment because of that. The inheritance was almost all spent before I even got it. $1500 to the Professor for a credit card bill I ran up and another $2500 I asked him to forward to his mother as a payment on the loan she made me to cover my student loan. it is only a partial payment but it is all I could spare.
The remaining thousand I kept and am using it to get some much needed clothiing, bedding and a few things I want like a fridge and a microwave. If there is enough left I want to get an IPad or similar device so that I can watch movies and read in bed instead of having to sit in front of the computer to do these things. Since the IPAD also has the ability to hold music and games it makes it an ideal entertainment system for someone like me who lives in a place where space is limited.
The Professor has suggested that I wait for the new one coming out in the summer as it will be a bit more sophisticated. The main issue for me was rather I wanted a smaller computer to travel with or if I wanted something else. As I am thinking about it I have made my decision, I told him portable entertainment system but I had to define that to myself. I think I have done that. I had thought of maybe getting what the Professor calls a baby laptop but it has a very small screen size and not much oomph so playing videos on it might be a bit problamatic.
Since the IPAD is just a larger slightly more sophisticated version of my IPOD Touch I think it would be perfect but the Professor has suggested I also look at the new Kindle or an Android machine. Frankly I think they are two too small to make reading or watching a video comfortably. Unfortunatly the IPAD is also quite expensive and the price tag frightens me a little lot. It is nearly $800 which doesn't leave a lot of money left for the other things I would like. In fact with taxes it could well come close to the thousand mark all by itself. So I have to choose a sophisticated toy or things that I need and things that are practical.
My sisters spent theirs on stuff I suspect was not practical but I am very practical thanks to the professor. I have actually developed a resistence to spending large sums of money just because I can. That is a good way to end up with a closet full of stuff you have no real use or need for.
Even with getting rid of so much craft stuff over the last year I still have far more than I am ever likely to use. Actually with that in my mind I am thinking that maybe I can reduce my books and craft supplies by half again in 2012. First by not buying anything new until what I have is gone and second by getting my butt busy making the things I have the supplies for right now. I know I have yarn enough for several projects though these days I seem to be making a lot of scarves. Mind I have the looms now so they have become so much easier. And it is not nearly as hard on my hands.
I have the makings of at least two small scall Dioramas here as well. The barbies and the iron craft thing I hope will help me out though I am not sure I'll be able to keep up. Also at least four of the Barbies are pegged for a more personal project, one that has been bugging me been on my mind for awhile.
Specifically a project depicting the four seasons using the Barbies. The costumes and the settings are nebulous in my head still because I have not taken the time to actually write out the vision I have. Just now I thought about Erte and how I admired his style. I may do them in a similar style except mine will be 3D not drawings.
As for the display that is easy I need four backgrounds and I can either build a wooden set or use show boxes or what ever I choose to do. Personally I am thinking about a couple of grocery boxes painted and decorated two seasons to a box . Stack them together and add the dolls in costume. My main problem with that will be where to put the display once it is done but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
I have also been thinking about a similar projects for the four elements but I only have nine dolls and I need to keep the male and one female for my runway models. Mind I could probably get the two dolls I need at the dollar store for a couple of bucks, comes to that I could probably find boxes there I can use for the displays.
Wow I did a lot of talking today. I would love to keep going but I don't want to bore you to tears

Thursday, January 5, 2012

05/01/2012

I didn't write here yesterday but I did write so my practice for 2012 is still active and ongoing. I have been suffering from what I think is a sugar hang-over brought on by an over abundance of gourmet jelly beans and a tin of chocolate and caramel by Quality Street. They make the best candy assortmets :) and I got a tin on sale at my local Shoppers Drug Mart. Problem is just one or two isn't enough for me. The jelly beans I eat by the handful and those chocolates I seldom have less than five at a sitting. I have awakened the last three days with a headache and generally without energy. It also does not help that I eat them right up to bedtime so I tend to go to bed with a tummy full of sugar. I can just imagine it all turning to fat. I went to bed at 4 AM and got up again shortly before 1 PM. By my calculations that is about 8.5 hours of sleep which is adequate but I still feel tired and poorly rested. Plus the headache I mentioned earlier, probably brought on by eight or more hours without drinking an adequate amount of water. Since discovering that it is lack of water that is the main cause of headaches I have tried to keep my brain hydrated even if it does mean I go to the bathroom a dozen times a day or more depending on how much I drink. Of course coffee and cola also makes you go to the bathroom a lot and I generally have two coffee's and a bottle of cola during the day. It helps me keep going especially on days like today when all I want to do is climb back into my bed and sleep.

I have decided that the next time I go see the doctor about my perscriptions I will ask for a gluclose test. Given that my father had diabetes when he passed away on top of everything else and given that I am approximatly 100 pounds overweight I am a high risk and would rather find out from a test than a sugar coma. Mind at two hundred plus pounds on a five foot medium sized frame I am a canidate for all kinds of bad things. From your basic heart attack to nasties like cancer and renal failure. Not to mention other things like demensia which at 50 plus is now on my list of possible health risks. I keep saying getting old sucks but being old and obese is worse.

So why haven't I done anything about the weight? Well I've been trying for years but with the onset of Fibromyalgia my ability to get physical is curtailed limited by how much energy I have and how long I plan to rest afterwards. its not that I can't exercise its that the price I may for it at least in the beginning is hard to take, I spent this past monday out and about walking and taking care of some stuff. Since monday I have been in pain and resting. That is three days for at most six hours of travel and shopping. The price here at the beginning is huge. I'm told that as I get more fit the repercussions are not so bad but it is getting to that point. It is being able to eat properly and rest as much as I need to between exercise periods. It is about having the will power to do what I know I need to do like limit my sugar intake and eat regularily. it is about being so desirous of that weight loss that I put the effort in despite the current repercussions. Sadly I have no real strong wish to continue to live. I have been eating myself to death for twenty five years and have found no real reason to stop. I suppose that sounds harsh but it is an honest truth. It is also the first time I have ever written it down. My depression is constant with the addition of the fibro and a little arthritis I have no reason to linger and every reason to move to the next level of existance. But regular suicide is not an option I tried I just can't do it. This takes longer but it's results are just as final. And while I know and my doctor knows what the weight is about no one else does. They see it as a simple failure to apply myself, I know it is my only path to death and getting away from this world.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A Month of Possibility

I have been catching up with the blogs I read on a regular basis, I've been a big out there for the last couple of months and I am fairly far behind.

Today was one of those days when I wish I could attend all the creative courses put out there by the creative minds I admire. Take Andrea for example. She is the dean of a blog called Creative Magic Academy which I have been reading for the last year.

I can't afford to take any of the classes but I follow along in her blog and work with the stuff she writes about. Her theme for January is about possibility and opening our hearts and minds to it. I know from some of my own experiences that if there is a possibility that I want badly the "Goddess Possibility" usually brings it. I have never really used it intentionally and that is what I am learning from Andrea this month.  I am also learning that possibility can apply to a lot more things than I ever considered. Take today for example who would have thought that possibility and money could really work together. She has even provided a few things to talk to the Goddess about.

Click on the links, check it out. I am thinking it will be an important lesson for my this year.

03/01/2012

I did not sleep as well last night as I did the night before, I fear the cause is my one weakness. I have a sweet tooth and I can not resist those little flavored jelly beans. I ate way too many before going to bed last night. Since they are 99 % sugar and I already have a sensitive stomach that was not a good idea. You see unlike most people who get a burst of energy then an energy drop my body reacts differently. First I get very tired and then my restless legs kick in big time making it very hard to stay asleep, add in some heartburn and you will have an image of what my night was like.

I am thinking that I may need to get my glucose level checked again and maybe take the secondary test to see if I have gone from borderline diabetes all the way to the real thing. Hopefully it will be the kind that doesn't require needles. Sticking myself on a daily basis is not on my list of things I like to do.

Affirmation of the Day: I intend to treat myself and others in the most loving way and with the highest of intentions, within the present moment and every moment that follows. We are all connected.

I really beleive this! I would that I could live up to my intention. This reminds me to share my souls unconditional love with myself and with others. It also is a powerful reminder that though we are many difirrent different types we are all one species. That is something we all seem to forget at one time or another in our lives. The easiest way to remember it is to remind myself that every other living, breathing human being on the face of this planet is my cousin. Sometimes hundreds of generations removed but my cousin still.

Todays writing prompt is about architypes and I want to do a little research before I share that with you. What I know is this. Architypes begin with four basic types: Good Male, Bad Male, Good Female, Bad Female. These types are further broken down into sub-types like evil sorcerer  or beautiful but dumb princess. That is the part I want to look into further.

ttyl :) hugs


Monday, January 2, 2012

02/01/2012

Day Two of the New Year.

The Professor is ill so he won't be able to take me to Walmart. I am headed out there soon. I'm going to the other end of town. There is one closer but it takes two buses to get there since it is up mountain and I just don't feel like doing that. Finally after over a week of fitful sleep I managed to get in a solid eight hours of sleep. Turns out I just had to close my shades and don a sleep mask. Hallelujah! I thought I was doomed to become a total zombie. I have been really missing regular sleep.

Todays Affirmation from "About": Divine Love flows through me now; healing All

Divine love is of course unconditional and I can use some of that now. I am more than willing to share the love in my heart and soul, that it can heal me is cool that it may even help others is even greater. I feel that I can use some healing and I have always known that love especially the unconditional kind is a great healer.

Smash365 is a writing newsletter I have begun to receive. My aim is to improve my writing skills and also give me fodder for drawings or Art pieces. Below are the instructions I received today, the prompt and the first thoughts that came to my mind as I was reading it.

Start with this scene and bring it to life. Write for 10 minutes or create a piece of art.

Place: a distant village
Character: a diner waitress
Object: a pair of scissors
Mood: interested

The first image that came into my mind was of a town like the one I live in only with more than one mountain and they were the large ones you know the kind with snow on the top. The village was built into the mountain and appeared to be in tiers. Getting closer I saw this little diner, red and white curtains, only half a dozen tables inside, a dining counter and a waitress in a crisp blue uniforn, She is talking to a salesman. He is selling scissors and she is very interested in getting a few because theirs keep disappearing. He is extolling the virtues of the scissors but she isn't really listening. She has already decided to buy two or three pairs and is politely waiting for the salesman to finish his spiel. The salesman does not realize that her attention is on the door and the tables in the room, to him she appears to be listening intently. She has mastered this skill from years of working in this place. When the salesman finally runs down she tells him what she wants and pays for them out of her tips. She will tell the boss she bought them and he will reimburse her. Her boss also knows the pain of looking for a pair of scissors when you need them and not finding any. With the conclusion of their business the salesman finishes his coffee, thanks the waitress and heads out to the next stop on his list. If only all of his calls could be this painless and profitable.

Hows that for writing off the top of my head! I'm actually kind of pleased with myself. Once I started it was easy to get and keep the thoughts moving from my head to the post.

I have so much to talk about but I want to share this permission slip with you, once I read it I felt such a sense of freedom. Creative Spiritual Women sends out a newsletter that always helps me feel good. :)

 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Years Day 2012

I now release the drama of my past. I consciously create my future.

What an appropriate affirmation for the first day of a new year.

Release the drama:

  • Drama Queen and all of her concerns which have everything to do with her and nothing to do with me.
  • Regret for any pain I caused the Professor or the SIL or my grandchildren and to a limited extent the preceived pain I caused the Ice Maiden & the Drama Queen.
  • The self-pity I choose to wallow in because both of my parents are dead. I'm 51 for crying out loud and far too old to act like a ten year old orphan
  • Stop waiting for a miracle cure and step up to work on weight issues. Face the sugar addiction and deal with it.
  • Stop complaining about lack of money and do something about it

Consciously create my future:

  • I am active at least fifteen minutes a day. Active physical movement is fun and increases endorphins which help to fight the Fibro.
  • I meditate for fifteen minutes every day. Meditation refreshes my mind and calms my body.
  • I sleep a solid eight hours every night. A regular sleep pattern is necessary to maintain mental alertness and physical fitness
  • I shower at least three times a week and dress from head to toe every day. I also do laundry once a week. These are all things I do to feel good about myself
  • I make my bed every time I leave it, it makes the room so much neater. I do my dishes every day and vacuum every other day, this creates a healthy enviroment and I get sick less often. For the same reason I clean out the litter box every other day
  • I spend eight hours a day on the computer educating myself and blogging. I spend another two or three playing Solitare and other games. Eleven hours is more than enough time to spend sitting on my butt in front of a computer

By using present tense I make each of these things a normal and easy thing. In the process I make my life and my body stronger, and healthier

I do not have a plan for 2012 except within the generalities above. My biggest issue by far is sleeping through the night. I have been considering sleeping pills but I do not know how they will react with my depression meds. BTW I am 85% sure that most of my sleeping issues are a result of the body tremors which are a Welbutin side effect, the rest is because I seem to have a very small bladder. It fills up really quickly and since I drink a lot of water because of the dryness caused by the Ciprilex it gets full a lot, like three times in a night. If I could get through a night without drinking something that would help normalize my sleep pattern some what. I am just not sure going to bed parched is a good idea.

It has been my habit for several years to choose a word of the year. One word which signifies what I need the most in the upcoming year.

I had thought about trust but many in my life say I am already far more trusting than I should be. Last year I chose kindness and I have spent a year learning about it and everything it involves. Though I can't say I follow it's creed completely I do take a stab at it now and then. Perseverance might be a good one. It is a trait I used to have but many years of taking the easiest path has eroded it considerably. Strength no too nebulous and prone to misinterpretation. Curiosity has never been an issue if anything I tend to be too curious. Fitness could be applied to many different sectors of living but it still doesn't feel quite right. It is my intention to let the word make itself known to me. BTW back in 2009 a woman named Christine Kaine released a Word of the Year Discovery Tool for beginners or people like me  who are stuck.

Create and Connect has a interesting post about how a simple word can alter the path you are currently on so it aligns better with your values and help you reach a place you didn't even know you wanted to go. Later on today after I complete the Discovery Tool I'll come back and share my word with you. Maybe you will do the same below.