Thursday, January 5, 2012


I didn't write here yesterday but I did write so my practice for 2012 is still active and ongoing. I have been suffering from what I think is a sugar hang-over brought on by an over abundance of gourmet jelly beans and a tin of chocolate and caramel by Quality Street. They make the best candy assortmets :) and I got a tin on sale at my local Shoppers Drug Mart. Problem is just one or two isn't enough for me. The jelly beans I eat by the handful and those chocolates I seldom have less than five at a sitting. I have awakened the last three days with a headache and generally without energy. It also does not help that I eat them right up to bedtime so I tend to go to bed with a tummy full of sugar. I can just imagine it all turning to fat. I went to bed at 4 AM and got up again shortly before 1 PM. By my calculations that is about 8.5 hours of sleep which is adequate but I still feel tired and poorly rested. Plus the headache I mentioned earlier, probably brought on by eight or more hours without drinking an adequate amount of water. Since discovering that it is lack of water that is the main cause of headaches I have tried to keep my brain hydrated even if it does mean I go to the bathroom a dozen times a day or more depending on how much I drink. Of course coffee and cola also makes you go to the bathroom a lot and I generally have two coffee's and a bottle of cola during the day. It helps me keep going especially on days like today when all I want to do is climb back into my bed and sleep.

I have decided that the next time I go see the doctor about my perscriptions I will ask for a gluclose test. Given that my father had diabetes when he passed away on top of everything else and given that I am approximatly 100 pounds overweight I am a high risk and would rather find out from a test than a sugar coma. Mind at two hundred plus pounds on a five foot medium sized frame I am a canidate for all kinds of bad things. From your basic heart attack to nasties like cancer and renal failure. Not to mention other things like demensia which at 50 plus is now on my list of possible health risks. I keep saying getting old sucks but being old and obese is worse.

So why haven't I done anything about the weight? Well I've been trying for years but with the onset of Fibromyalgia my ability to get physical is curtailed limited by how much energy I have and how long I plan to rest afterwards. its not that I can't exercise its that the price I may for it at least in the beginning is hard to take, I spent this past monday out and about walking and taking care of some stuff. Since monday I have been in pain and resting. That is three days for at most six hours of travel and shopping. The price here at the beginning is huge. I'm told that as I get more fit the repercussions are not so bad but it is getting to that point. It is being able to eat properly and rest as much as I need to between exercise periods. It is about having the will power to do what I know I need to do like limit my sugar intake and eat regularily. it is about being so desirous of that weight loss that I put the effort in despite the current repercussions. Sadly I have no real strong wish to continue to live. I have been eating myself to death for twenty five years and have found no real reason to stop. I suppose that sounds harsh but it is an honest truth. It is also the first time I have ever written it down. My depression is constant with the addition of the fibro and a little arthritis I have no reason to linger and every reason to move to the next level of existance. But regular suicide is not an option I tried I just can't do it. This takes longer but it's results are just as final. And while I know and my doctor knows what the weight is about no one else does. They see it as a simple failure to apply myself, I know it is my only path to death and getting away from this world.

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