Thursday, January 19, 2012

19/01/2012

My eyes hurt...long, long hours in front of a small screen with inadequate lighting- or rather the lighting in the wrong place. It would have been better if I had put the lamp behing me somehow but the only thing behind me is a rolltop type desk with a bookcase on top, No place to place a lamp but I'm going to have to do something. My eyes have been bugging me for a week now. What I should do is get off my butt and head to the nearest walk in clinic problem is with my OW suspended I got no way to pay for my regular meds let alone an antibiotic or something. I've been using the clear eyes but I'm not sure that over the long term they are safe or adequate. Still it is better than nothing I suppose

These entries are full of angst that is because my life is full of angst right now not to mention the stress of trying to figure out how to keep a roof over my head. Thankfully I had enough to keep it for January at least February is gonna be touch and go if I can't get back on OW for awhile, $435 a month adds up quickly. And that is just the rent, I have to figure out how to get food as well. Though the food banks here are not too bad I hate having to use them, beats starving I guess.

I have had about four hours sleep. My legs began to jump around 8 am and I kicked my poor kitty, when I had an all over body jerk I figured I might as well get up casue as long as my body is doing that I am not going to be able to sleep. Normally I sleep through it but it happens I have some dishes on my stove that needed to come off (Cafe World not real world) before they spoiled.

My schedule says I sit down at 9 a.m. and write a 750 word blog entry. I am sure you have heard of the morning papers well this if a version of that. Stream of conciousness is a bit difficult when you are typing but it is still possible. My hands tend to cramp if I write for long periods of time and three pages , single spaced takes a long time . The other thing is this way I can practice doing a regular amount of typing every day so that when I sit down to write a story or work on a novelette I will have practiced typing on a regular basis so that it will be a habit. Habits are inportant, These days they tend to refer to them as practices in the olden days they were called ...damn lost the word... it will come back to me I'm sure... habit, routine... yes i think the word I was thinking of was routine. You had a certain way and a certain order to your day. It was the only way you were able to run a house back before running water and electricity. I have a hard time with routines...I tend towards scattered, I can focus on things I really like to do and get them done but stuff I hate like dishes I have a harder time with. I only started making my bed every day mainly because it makes the room look neater. I tend to do a lot of things that make the room look neater. backlash from growing up with a hoarder I guess. Though honestly mom wasn't as bad as those people you see on TV and least we had more than a path to get from one room to another. Strange the things you remember.

Yesterday from out of the blue I started thinking about my ex-husband, (not the Professor), and that led me to mistake #2 an alcoholic I took up with around the time my mother died. In paticular I remember trying to walk home after drinking at a friends house. I sat down under a tree to rest for a minute and woke up to find him standing over me shaking me. Thankfully this was in the summer else I could have frozen. I think that is what started me on the road to recovery.

Ah yes the #2 it is so much a part of my life I don't even think about it much any more. There have been two long term relationships, two rebound relationships and two relationships from hell. In all I remember eight relationships, the other two are peple I regret hurting because they were reasonably nice guys who just came into my life at the wrong time, course there were two lucky escapes and two abusers that changed me in a deep way. Oh and if you are counting we are up to 12. There were many, many others but they are the ones I carry with me always, most of the others are blanks.

I was a sex addict, were it not for my medication I would probably still be whoring around but the ciprelex controls my libido, not sure how it does but it does. I think the doctor figured if I thought less about sex I might actually be able to make some progress in my life. So far it isn't working but that's probably because I haven't found something I want to do now that I don't want to have sex.

I've been a bit long winded today but that is a good thing it means I am actually thinking about things and trying to come to terms with them,

Have a great day

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