Sunday, January 29, 2012

29/01/2012

I was just thinking about my past. At my Aunt's funeral my cousin J mentioned that while going through her photos she saw that nearly every photo of her included me. When we were little she lived with my aunt down a small hill from where I lived with my parents. She was the only girl in her family and all of her brothers were ten years or better older than here. I was only two. Shortly before she came to live with my aunt my mother had had a stillbirth so I think I kinda latched onto her as if she were my little sister, the baby that was not going to grow up.

We spent a lot of time together as we were the youngest people around for quite a ways and her house was two minutes from mine. I began school before her but we were still friends for a long time. Until I went to Grade six which was a bus ride away. I do not know what happened to her the two years between me going to junior high and her getting there but things began to change between us. In high school we barely spoke to each other and by the time I graduated she went with her circle and I went with mine. After high schoo; we just stopped talking. She went her way and I went mine.

Her life path gave her a husband, a good job, social standing and a house, mine  well read my about me page and you will see where mine went. What was the big difference? She was not molested and her step-dad was not an alcoholic. Those were the main two things that seperated us. I regret not being more careful and I regret the lonely life I led, still lead because I do not trust easily or quickly. Also if you lose my trust you never get it back, I am simply not able to forgive and forget though I have tried.

I put it into the back of my mind and every time you make a promise my inner cynic says I'll beleive it when I see it, if you are nice to me my mind automaticallt wonders what you want from me, if we argue and you say the opposite of what I do or dismiss what I am saying eventually I will ask what you want me to say. Then if you tell me I will say it or refrute it if I can. If you don't leave off I will begin to shake and cry and I will walk away.

I yell when I am excited, if I am angry I will cry or go all still and cold. I am aware of these things about myself, aware that they are what is keeping me from having a halfway societally acceptable life. What is refered to as a regular life. I am aware but do not seem to be able to get past these self defeating behaviours. I suppose some time with a shrink might help but I can't afford one and the wait to get one of the community sponsored ones is six months or better. By the time I get the call it may not matter any longer.

I have tried journalling it out but have not much luck so far, I tried to dance it out but my then BIL made some snide remark about my dancing and I quit. That goes back to a story from my very early years. like grade one which I will not cover here. Suffice it to say I have never danced just for the pleasure of doing it since. I am thinking about trying dance therapy again but have not built my courage up enough yet.

Anyway I miss J and I think she was and is the only best friend I have ever had, I am very much a loner and have been for a long, long time. I seldom miss the company of others and when I do I just go down to the mall and get my fill of people noise then come back to my quiet room and my cat and this computer. Most of the time it is enough for me. I admit I occasionally get bored but funnily enough I do not feel lonely, well not yet anyway. I have been here on my own since July 2011, not even a whole year yet.

I think about going back to Toronto but I don't really want to, it really is too crowded and too fast paced for me these days

No comments:

Post a Comment