Monday, February 27, 2012

27/02/2012

I have been fighting a battle with my inner coward and she has been winning. I came back home a week ago from Toronto. I have not been outside since then. I would plan it but then I would wake up and I would feel ill or there would be a storm and I just couldn't do it.

Before I left Toronto I went to see my doctor. He is not happy with me. His first command was for me to get some psychiatric help, his first suggestion was to try yoga and finally he agrres with me that I am beyond borderline now and I need to start eating a diabetics diet. Thankfully chocolate has lost it's appeal to me over the last few months, not so great is that I have a sugar habit I need to break.

On top of all this I finally had it out with my daughter. I do not know what will happen next but I am certain I will not be seeing my grandsons any time soon. I will survive that, it just makes me so sad that she should blame everything that has happened on me and the american and not take any for herself.

I accept that I could have done things differently but going back there is not an option for me right now. I still need more time to get mentally and physically better. At least as much as I can for a 50ish woman. I know that is not old, not really but I am feeling very very old these days

I have made a few calls and I even set up an appointment (which I didn't go to) at a nearby Yoga place. It really sucks that I can't seem to do anything except sit here and either play games, watch movies or read. I know there is supposed to be more to life. I know there are things I need to do to be healthy but I don't have the energy for any of them, nor the will to pursue them and make them happen.

I am a loser at life and there are days like today when I think it would be better if it ended. I can't kill myself, I've tried and I was too much of a coward. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. But then I think I miss laughing with my friends, I miss having people around who were friends, these days all I have is the cat and the professor. Bella keeps trying to reach me but I think I am even beyond the reach of her Christian god. I have become sunk in a morass of my own pity. I know this yet I do nothing to change it. It is comfortable here, it is safe here I do not have to try and fit in. 

All I need to do is get through each day. Keep my meds up to date and my fridge full. Send out the items I have signed up to swap and look after my cat. And for the most part that is all I want to do, but there is a piece of me that says life isn't supposed to be like this. Life is about interacting with others, about being present in a way I am not.

For awhile I was able to get beyond my glass cage but now, now it is back and this time it is ever so much thicker and stronger. I do not know if I will be able to get beyond it again.

I have things to do when I wake up. It is already nearly 2AM. I have no choice I must get my perscription, maybe once I make it to the drug store I will be able to make it to University Plaza to deposit that cheque I've had in my purse for 10 days. I need to get some food for my kitty too, he is almost out.

I am trying for 750 words but I am running out of things to say. I try not to censor my thoughts when I write here but sometimes I find myself wondering if I should say something. If you reading this really want to read my whining, I don't think so but I need to remind myself I do this for me as much as for you. Hopefully you identify with me in some things and hopefully I help you to feel less alone but I do not have a cure, I am having a hard time helping myself. It was bad enough before my father died, it feels like it is 10X worse now.

I wish I could say I`ll write every day in here but as you see I`m not very good at that... but I am thinking I probably should given how much negativity is coming out in this post. It is time to clense my mind again and that means thirty days of writing 750+ words every day.

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