Friday, March 2, 2012

02/03/2011 NaBloPoMo March 2012

The theme of the month is whether and refers both to decision making and the weather. I have not signed up because I have to date never completed one of these. The goal if you are not familiar with this little inspiration from BlogHer is to write on topic or not every single day of the month. As you have probably noticed I'm a bit sporatic when it comes to updating this blog.They do provide a daily promp from Monday to Friday of each week. The weekend is for free writing.
I dream of publishing a book but have not had much luck establishing a practice, mainly because, well I'm not sure, laziness, wanting it to be written perfectly within a day, fear of actually doing a really good job or a really lousy one. The usual shit that goes through our minds when we try something new or step outside our comfort zone. And my comfort zone has become very small at the professors house it is in his room at the desk he provided for me and at my home in Hamilton it is my room with my cat. Very little inbetween though I suppose at home I could include the Shoppers and maybe University Plaza. Here at the Professors there is nothing but this house. There is a mall maybe a 10 minute walk from here and I don't even go there any more.
So not where I wanted to go today but having begun I might as well continue. I have an appointment on the 9th for a biopsy of my stomach. In my purse I have two perscriptions, one for the H Pylori and one for the anti-depressants. Also in my purse I have a referral to a psychiatrist. I have reached the end of what the medication can do for me and now I need therapy. I hope this time is more productive than the last time. The counsellor touched a sore spot and I ran. I am 51 years old and I need to stop running and I need to stop hiding behind walls of fat and walls of concrete.
As easy as that is to write the reality is not. Rather I lack the will power or I really like being stuck I don't know. It would seem by the books I've read on psychology that I like it where I am or at least some part of me does and it finds ways to short circuit any improvements I might make. What I know for certain is that I will give myself an order like, "we won't eat anything after 8 PM" only to find myself at midnight eating carrots or nuts or something. How it happens I'm not sure somewhere between 8PM and midnight I dismiss the order from my head or find some way to make it seem like I'm not cheating. One thought I have caught is that carrots are healthy so they don't count as cheating.
Right across the road from the place I live is a park with a track, tennis courts, baseball diamond and a swimming pool. Litterally 20 steps will take me to the track yet I don't go. The only time I step outside my room most days is to go to the bathroom or to fill my water bottle. In my room I have a dozen different CD's that are dance or exercise related and on my computer I have a dozen more yet they just sit there. I am sure of you can relate to that. I mean I could say that I don't have room to do any kind of exercise in my room but that would be a lie. I actually have a space approx 9 square feet in size it I want it. I just have to rearrange things a bit.
Down the hill is a yoga studio, I mean it is maybe 5 minutes away. And there is a YMCA just a short 15 min bus ride from where I am and still I do not take advantage of them. In the other direction is a place where they teach dance also a very short bus ride. Mind these cost money and that is an issue for me. Even with a doctors recommendation I would still have to pay a certain amount. On and on, I have options but I don't use them. I have to ask myself why? The answer I get back is a mutter about it being too much work and simply not worth it. I have to wonder why do I feel that way. I used to pride myself on the fact that I could walk for 5 hours a day and not notice it. These days even 5 minutes is sometimes hard to do. I remember thinking I would never let myself get as fat as some of the women I saw around town but here I am twenty years later every bit as big as they were. Its enough to drive a girl mad.

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