Monday, March 5, 2012

05/03/2012

I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until my energy comes back. It would be even better if the pain went away at the same time. Not going to happen but I can wish. The only way that will happen is when I go to my final rest and apperances aside I am really not in that much of a hurry for that. I just , mom would say I've lost my gumption and dad would say my get up and go got up and went and they would be both right. Nothing matters to me enough. I do what I need to do to live one more day and thats it. Taking life one day at a time is all well and good but there has to be some perceptible future to keep you going. What is mine? I picture a little house on the hill above our family homestead with a porch. I see a rocking chair and I see me knitting while sitting in the sun. That is how I want to end my day. There are a lot of things I would need to do first beginning with getting my cousins permission to build on the hill (she holds the family land as her mother did before her). Her mother let my dad do it but I do not know if she would let me. After I have that permission I have to go to the municipal office and get permission to build and to find out what the building must have to be legal. Then I would have to buy the plans for the house and get someone to build it and wire it and put in the plumbing. All of this before I could even begin to live there and a hell of a lot of money besides. Its like the dream of the fibro disappearing so I can go back to walking and exploring like I used to it's not in the cards for me. 

I miss what I used to be but not enough to try and recaqpture it. It is just more work than I feel capable of doing. The dr would say that is probably because of the mental issues I haven't dealt with, the ones that I am not  or haven't dealt with. I am sure that behind those locked doors in my brain are a lot of things that I must bring forth and face but I so don't want to do that. That is not quite true, I am afraid to do that even though I know if I don't I will never join human society again. I will die as I have lived for the last five years alone and empty. Now theres a word for you, empty-without content, that is me no content and a very minimal context. My ability to interact with my fellow humans has all but deserted me. The only one I talk to is the professor and even then I do more listening than talking.

I was thinking earlier that there was a time when I wouldn't where the same clothes two days in a row yet now I find myself wearing the same thing for days and days. To date I think I have worn the same thing for 10 days at the most and three at the least. It is just one more indicator that I have slipped off the path of "normal" behaviour onto a path I do not know. Sadly I think it is the path I associate with the homeless, sometimes I feel I am homeless. I won't return to Peterborough, I can't return to the professors home in Scarborough and I live in a rooming house by definition a place that transients usually live in.

Given that I suppose it isn't too surprising that I feel homeless and adrift. I keep thinking I'm going to have to pack up and move on soon though god willing not for several years. Where would I go. When I started this trip I thought I would spend a year in each province until I reached BC and settle there but that was before the fibro was confirmed and I had my first real flare up. Now I feel it is enough to wake up each morning even if it does mean a day of pain, moving house is not something I even want to contemplate.

The professor will be calling soon and I have reached the 750 word mark. I am going to grap my tablet and my glasses and read awhile while I wait for him to call

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