Wednesday, March 7, 2012

07/03/2012

I'm pissed! For months I have had no bleeding then yesterday out of the blue I have the beginnings of a period. It is still with me today and by the feeling in my gut it has only begun. I was so certain it was gone finally gone, guess I should have known better. I may well be 60 before it stops for good. Though gods willing much sooner than that. Its messy & painful and in my case absolutly useless. I haven't been able to get pregnant since I was 21. A doctor cut and burned my tubes because I asked him to. I was a sex addict even then and I was fed up with worrying each month if my period was going to be late. Yes I had access to birth control but I could never remember to take them. Also I knew absolutly nothing about condoms. Back then I was quite naive also it was 1981. You know in the time before the world went crazy. Or is that just me. Irregardless when I think of the changes I have witnessed in my life, the world has changed and not for the better IMO.

Oh I'm only 50ish so perhaps I haven't seen as many changes as the ones born in the early 1900 but still the world has changed. When my mother was hurt they held a community benefit for her to help pay the bills I do not think my neighbors would do that for me now. Most of them don't even know who I am. In my building I live among the working poor and though I know most of them by sight I do not socialize with them. When I lived on the welfare floor we all knew each other and talked to each other. We also shared among ourselves. 

I think the higher up the food chain you get the less likely you are to know your neighbours or share with them. Here in the Professors house in the middle class neighbourhood I am not known by anyone except the neighbours to the right and the left. Even when I lived here full time this was so. I've lived in apartment buildings where that was true as well though since you share a commom laundry room sometimes you could make friends and talk to your neighbours when you were doing laundry.

Its a far cry from the village I grew up in. My father knew everyone and I knew most of their children even the ones older than me. But that was 1960-1979, after that I moved to the big city and learned what it was like to not know anyone and just how hard it is to talk to people who don't know you. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my home village but I know it would not be the same. It has grown from about 1000 people to nearly 5000 and taken on many of the characteristics of the city. In fact I think it has been amalgamated into Peterborough or at least we still have a reeve but no other kind of goverment. It is all handled by Peterborough.

We even have a library now and a police station, something I never expected to see in my life time. Yes it is still home. I still dream of returning there and living in the village where my fathers family lived for over 100 years. My cousin J is the only one still there as far as I know though there may be others and her last name isn't Marois any more.

I mentioned yesterday that I dream of finishing my days on our family land. J is the cousin who holds it. S sold the other plot and went into the bush with her new husband. I haven't heard anything about her for a long time now. I hope she found what she was looking for when she moved out of our home village and into her husbands.

I wonder if she finally found happiness. I hope so she deserved a little after 30 plus years of taking care of her mother.

Duty we call that but I failed in mine. Instead of taking my place as my fathers caretaker I left it to my brother and his wife. I did not think I could be responsible enough and so did my father. Strangely I probably would have done a better job than the other brother did but not nearly as well as my big little brother and his wife. The other brother destoyed our trust with one needless act of vengence. I still do not understand why he would steal so much money from a poor man living in a rest home. By my count he stole nearly 20,000 dollars from our father before his signing rights to dad's account were revoked.

When I last spoke with him he seemed to blame dad for moms death as well as many other things. I know the truth of it but I will not talk to him ever again unless I am placed in a situation where I have absolutly no choice. I am ashamed to name him brother. And I am saddened by his wilful blindness to reality.

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