Wednesday, March 14, 2012

14/03/2012

Barely controlled anger, strong irritation what ever it is it is making me snappish and inclined to violence. OK not the kind of mayhem you are probably imagining, irritation is not new but I have seldom felt it this strong before. My poor cat if I were not still in control it is possible he could get hurt. When I put him on the floor out of my way I do it with more strength than I should. It is more of a drop from a foot than the way I used to place him on the floor or the bed. I have been swatting him to get him out of my way instead of just stopping him. It isn't a hard swat but it is a swat just the same.

I called the Professor to come get him because of the anger I feel building up inside me and since he is inclined to question me on every little thing instead of just doing what I want him to do I ended up hanging up. Oh I gave the proper curtosies but I could hear my voice they came out hard and cold. I don't know if it is because the psych intake office called me this morning or it is lack of sleep or this constant ache in my head amd left shoulder but whatever it is I feel out of control. I do not like to feel out of control. My self control is all that stands between me and a mess. I feel like if I let go I will destroy myself and anyone who happens to be near me. I fear the violence I know is deep inside me. Only these days it doesn't feel so deep, it seems closer to the surface than it has been in a very long time.

I am afraid, sadly I am afraid of what I may be capable of than I am of anything else. Someone I knew once said that the only person I have ever harmed was myself. I accept that this is true, all my anger has been turned on myself, it is safer. My brothers put people in the hospital when they allowed their anger to run free. The last time I did I threw a woman half again my size out of my home and busted a finger on her face. The time before that I pitched a man out of my door. He wasn't much bigger than me but still I pushed him hard enough that he went a good two feet before he got his balance back.

It was a long time ago and before I learned complete control. At least towards the outside world. To my body I did all the damage I could afford with alcohol and cigarettes and sex. Thankfully I never got into the drug scene or I would have overdosed on them the way I overdosed on painkillers. Codine was such a good number but these days it only increases the pain not make it go away. Even alcohol doesn't do it for me, it makes me sick for days even after just one drink.

Sex well a couple of years ago you couldn't have convinced my no matter how you tried that it would ever turn into a once every six months kind of thing instead of a daily need. I figure I have the anti-depressants to thank for freeing my mind of that addiction. And no I don't smoke any more either. The Professor made me give it up because in his words, "I don't want to kiss an ashtray". Talk about your sweet talk.

I am wondering if the generic Welbutin just wasn't doing its job properly. I have taken three of the name brand ones and while I still have the shakes I have also noted the quick erosion of my self control. Though that might be the combination of the anacid and the pure welbutin as I have been taking them both for the same amount of time.

I haven't taken them yet this morning I should do that. My eyes are stinging and they have been tearing up for the last couple of days. I don't allow myself to cry unless I want someone to hear me and come comfort me. Crying doesn't solve the problem but like most things there are rules. My eyes leak sometimes because the tear ducts have to drain the excess  once in awhile. Silent crying they call it and I am a past master unless like I said before I want someone to hear and come to comfort me. The Professor got wise to it after awhile and stopped coming, I suppose that is when I gave up crying except from extreme pain or sadness. The last time I cried even for a little was at my dad's funeral and I went off by myself so no one would see me.

I need to take my meds and maybe today I will allow myself a nap. I didn't yesterday and I am wondering it that is what triggered the anger. Whatever it was writing has calmed me a bit so I best get back to my day.

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