Thursday, March 15, 2012

15/03/2012

Half the month gone again and I am still in the same place, maybe even a little worse off than when the month began. Between the headache and vomiting in the of the night it was a rough night. The headache did go away after I ate properly but man, waking up at six in the morning to puke is not fun. My throat is still sore from the force of it. I guess it is an object lesson 1) do not eat after 8pm my body doesn't like it and 2) Sauce n cake's are off limits from now on, between the white cake and the sweet caramel sauce I'm not sure which is worse for my stomach but I know something is..

I have 15 days to get all my ducks in a row. Movement, diet and relaxation all must be planned and the necessary lists prepared. Then I have to do it. That is the hard part but with the spring coming it will not be too bad. Too much planning not enough action that's me. The reason I have chosen April 1st is because persauding myself to go outside to walk will not be as hard as it would be if there was snow on the ground. Also it is the beginning of the second quarter which means I still have nine months to lose the first thirty odd pounds. If I can carry a baby that long then I can work that long to get a healthier body and if the gods are willing a sounder mind as well. I am waiting to hear back from the intake officer at St Joes once that is done I will get three months of therapy at least on the OHIP system.

Every time I start thinking about therapy my head aches even more. I guess there are things in there I want to keep hidden. It is too late, at least that is what my inner critic would have me beleive. I am too old to change and why should I want to any way. The truth is I am not really happy in this self induced hermitage. I miss talking to people besides the Professor. I miss sitting with my friends over a coffee and discussing the chldren (grandchildren now), I miss laughter and music. I even miss church a little. I did not set out to be alone. I had plans for my retirement but between the fibro and the depression none of then have even begun to become true. I was going to have fun but for the past few years all I have done is sit in front of this computer and played games. I have friends here who have not seen me since I came last summer. There are three parks in this city that hold all kinds of events and I have not been to even one. The Royal Botanical Gardens are just a short bus ride away and I haven't been there yet even though it was one of the main reasons I came last summer.

I live between a lake and a mountain, you would think that with such a variety of terrain my inner explorer would be anxious to get out and check it out. Even my camera only took maybe a hundred photos in the past 12 months when I ussually take a thousand or more. I know the truth of these words and yet... here I sit playing games and complaining. I blame the fibro or I blame the depression or I blame the weather but the truth is the only one to blame is me. Well my inner safety monitor any way. I hear it in my head nearly everytime I think about going out for a walk. "It isn't safe out there, stay here where nothing can hurt you".

The problem of course is that I am hurting myself in a number of ways. Cutting myself off from the rest of the human race is not a good thing. My mind and my body get weaker and weaker the longer I sit in front of this computer. I haven't even picked up my knitting needles except when I am at the Professors and that was only because he expects me to. I am obviously not getting enough Vitamin D nor am I feeding my soul in any way. Games can not fill the mind the way new sights and sounds can.

I go to bed late and I get up late. When I sleep it is usually four hours asleep, then 30 to 60 minutes minimum before I go back to sleep for another four hours. I wake up to go to the bathroom or like last night to get sick or sometimes it's my restless legs that wake me up. I hardly dream and when I do they are usually nightmares.

There was more I wanted to say but for now it is gone. I got side-tracked with my phone checking out the settings and stuff because I haven't heard it ring in awhile. Turns out I had that disabled for some reason. 

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