Colour me frustrated beyong beleif! Am I mentally ill or not? That is the question of the day.
I wrote those words above when I got back from my outing at the Mental Health Association. Because I do not have a Medical history that includes lots of medications, hospital stays or suicide attempts and because the last time I saw a Psychiatrist was when I was 25 or so I am not deemed eligible for their program. I was only diagnosed with Depression ongoing since I was 13 at that meeting but because it was so long ago it doesn't count.
I have seen another psychiatrist since then in my 30's and I have gone to several community counsellors, the most recent though is still three years back or so. Though that one turned out to be a complete bust because she was more interested in my weight issues than the emotions behind them. I forgot to mention that to her yesterday, I hate how my mind hides things that could help until it is too late for them to be of any real use. The first one is the one I remember because she took my journal and didn't give it back and because it was because of a severe break down.
I keep wanting to correct my writing as I go so that it sounds more normal but I think I;m going to have to stop that cause it really isn't helping me figure out my own mind. I am still enacting an appearance of normality, same as I have done my whole life, even though how other people viewed life is by no means the way I did. At least that is how I feel. I was always looking and watchin so I could act like the other kids. As much as possible I wore the same clothes and learned to speak and fit in, all the while keeping myself apart. I used to feel I lived behind a glass wall. I could see and hear the rest of the world and they could see and hear me but we could never really touch or connect.
I used to be good at fitting in but these days I am and mostly prefer to be by myself, for one thing it's safer. I can't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me. And I do not have to pretend I like someone or something just because the person I'm with does. I actually feel even more out of place now that I have reached middle age. I have grand-children but they range in age from 13 to not yet born. I have children but they are not exactly pillars of the community. I have two ex-husbands both of whom I still care about but neither of whom I feel like living with. I have people who say they are my friends, and I suppose thry are to a certain extent but there is no one I can really talk to or go out with or vent with. Their lives are totally different from mine which I suppose is a good thing but it just makes me uncomfortable around them because I feel we have little in common.
I have other friends who like me because I'm funny, cute but funny. I don't like that it's as if I am here to entertain them and that is just not right. I mean I become a laughing stock so what's in it for me. I'm sure they don't mean it that way but that is how I react to it. Same as if someone is nice to me, my first thought is always the same, "What do they want from me?"
Trust, I don't trust anyone, not even myself most of the time. I certainly don't like myself much. There are days like today that I wish I could drink myself into oblivian like I used to. Or find some guy to fuck. Thats another thing...partly why I am so lost is because somehow over the last couple of year I have lost my libido. Since that was the thing that defined me since I was eleven it makes things a bit complicated as I am 50 and in the process of redefining myself