Thursday, August 2, 2012

August 2nd, 2012

Two years ago tonight I sat in my daughters kitchen willing my then husband to come to Peterborough for my daughters birthday. One year ago today I sat in a womens shelter here in Hamilton trying to decide what to do next. Today I sit in the best room in the rooming house where I live, (its more like a dorm but what do you call a dorm for middle aged singles?), trying to decide if I am ready to take the next step in my plan or to stay put for awhile longer. I was hoping to be in Manitoba by this time except that life had other plans.

I have a doctor here, an income and a decent place to live. My name is on two waiting lists for talk therapy and I have made a few friends here. I have everything in place except my own willpower to lose the extra hundred pounds I'm carrying around if I can just get myself on a regular routine.

As always it has come to do I want to stay where things are good or do I want to move on to the next big adventure. Of course when I was planning this adventure I had assumed I would have the advantage of a disability pension which would have allowed me a lot more freedom of movement but that did not happen. I am still considering retrying but I can almost convince myself that I want to go back to work, certainly Ontario Works seems to think I should, it just isn't that easy to convince myself. Sure the extra money would be good but the cost to my health and esteem when I fail once again would not be.

It is a hard choice to make especially when I think maybe I can do this but then I think about the pain, or the depression and I wonder just how long would it last before they fired me because I didn't come to work or call in for a week. Plus I keep remembering the last job I did at the Dome and how someone kept running into me. I know she was mad because her place had been given to me at the counter but it had the effect of making me very aware of how fat I was and how narrow the space I worked in was. It made me quit. I never went back after that even though I was really good at it and more importantly I loved doing it.

I do not want to face that kind of conflict again just because I am good at what I do and someone dislikes me because of it.Eventually I am going to have to choose one way or the other, in the meantime I'll keep going through the motions of looking for work starting with getting a resume to my worker.