Monday, October 15, 2012

15/10/2012

Today will be my last trip to Hamilton before I return home to Peterborough. In the 20 odd years I have been gone many things have changed there for one it does not feel so dull and colourless. Less like a town dying and one that has found new purpose. This pleases me no end as it reminds me a little of the Peterborough of my 20's. Rather I will find a place for myself here or not I do not know but I hope I do. Certainly any benefit to me will move through the family unit and maybe all of us will get a new lease on life. I am coming late to counselling for the sexual abuse but maybe it will make the next 30 years a bit brighter than they have been for the last 30. I have reached that place that is called middle age, no longer young but not old either kinda like that place between 10 and 13 when the time until you are a teenager seems far away. No I am not looking forward to the declining health but I am looking forward to seeing what kind of adults my grandchildren become. Since the youngest is just about a month old and the oldest is 13 the years should be interesting.

I am hoping since my daughter and I have received the same instructions from our doctors that we will become close again and help each other. There is only 17 years between us so we should be able to find some common ground and some uncommon ground so that we can both grow lithe and more well-balanced. I may be over-reaching but I think I can find my butterfly again. If not it will still be a good exercise for me and get me out and about instead of sulking at home or sleeping so I can avoid the pain. Sleeping only makes it worse because whatever side I sleep on I wake up in the morning and it feels bruised even though there isn't a mark on me.

I do wish I had been able to focus on a specific goal or two but nothing comes to mind, actually lots comes to mind just not things I expect I can achieve given my current mental and physical shape. I need to move past my fathers death, that much I know but given that he has been dead just over a year means not enough time has truly gone by for me to reach equilibriam with his passing. The last five years were hard and his death did not make things any easier. My mother was a decade in the ground before I could think of her without expecting to see her.

I am experiencing some cramping in my fingers again, I think it is from so much time in front of the computer. Even though the hand that is hurting is not the one I use the most it is still an annoyance. Actually now that I pay attention it is the one with the tendon damage so it might be hurting because the cold weather is here. I expect to see snow any day now. It ussually comes late in October or early November and it is literally the middle of Oct today.

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