Saturday, December 22, 2012

Riding Despair

This year the season of joy has

become a season of oh boy.

I cry more than I smile

I'm at 0 on the joy dial

Snow for Christmas, alright

so why do I feel so tight?

The grey and black and white

Fits this year just right

In the end sad but true

I am glad 2012 is nearly through


Just a little ditty that has been crowding my brain. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but honestly this holiday season has been full of so much pain and anguish that I wish it were over.

I was thinking yesterday that Christmas just isn't the way it used to be. With my fathers demise a little over a year ago the whole world seems to have turned ugly and sour. I have been unable to muster the energy to move beyond this desk for so long it feels like I am permanently attached. 

I suppose I have not grieved properly whatever that means because people expect me to be moving on with my life and I just can't seem to. It is as if I'm mired in mud that has frozen around me, I can move forward but very, very slowly. In fact that is how I see myself. Stuck in something that I can move through but without grace and very slowly. 

I hurt all the time and with the coming of the cold I have even less motivation to get up and get out than usual. Extreme cold and extreme heat do me in energy wise all the time. Mind you Co-co is making sure I get some fresh air, she even wakes me first thing in the morning so she can go out

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