Tuesday, May 28, 2013

8:19 Am Tues May 28, 2013

Pain so much pain in my lower back but oddly enough not pain I associate with my fibro, need to eliminate yes , a reminder of the first time I mussed up my back that too today but not fibro. The neck and shoulders are fibro as are the arms and knees I think. Some of the "reminder pain" I associate with the bruising I got when we had the accident in the truck in 1981 but the rest I am not sure. The therapist says our body remembers our hurts  even if we don't or was that the mind remebers, either way I have suffered a lot of body brusing over the years though I think the emotional bruising is far worse, what else can I think when my apparent lack of feelings of any sort cut me off from the women I might call friends. How else to explain a single remark causing me to stop doing something I really wanted to do. That remark is in my head still and it has been months yet. I need to explore it to figure out what happened inside my brain. I stop going to group and I became even more isolated and depressed. It seems my mind keeps going over and over it so....

me: I am obviously overweight and my goal would be to walk every day"

Relative stranger-Male-Peer: First of all I object to her use of obviously, who is to say rather she does or does not need to lose weight... (there was more but that is all I remember)

me: The doctors say ( I was blind with rage, how dare he say that my fatness was not obvious, it is there for all to see, and I have doctors orders and observations by trained professionals, plus a whole host of other tests that say I am too heavy and that that weight is eventually going to kill me, thank god)

Got it, he was attempting to get me to view the weight less as a handicap and more of a challenge, my reaction was way out of line because I want to be fat, I want people to know I'm fat , I want them to feel sorry for me, and I want to die still even if it is the slow death of a one body function after another shutting down or my heart just giving up before the rest of my body does. I felt that he was lessening my pain and thus lessening me. Wow that is a bad, weird thought but the more I explore my thoughts the more I find barriers like this in it. Like the reason I am having such a hard time focusing on June is because I know it is going to be a bad month emotionally as May was and for much the same reason, my father is dead so Father's Day is a reminder of what I lost only a little over a year ago and it is also the anniversary of my mothers death also on Fathers Day weekend. I wish I could choose rather or not I would spiral into deep depression during that week. I wish I could find another way to deal with the pain of those three days my mother has been dead a long time, twenty years this year, strange it does not feel like that long. I forgot that Sandy's girls and Sara never knew her, I guess those Christmas's before Dad's house was sold were good Christmas's for them.


My mind went to a day a couple of months back when a stranger asked Sandy and I if we were twins and we said no, I said there were 11 years between us she said 10, it is an old routine for us, both of us are technically right, if you count the months from Oct to Jan I am 11 years older than her, from Jan to October I am 10 years older than her, it just how it works but it is an old routine between us as I said. Anyway he said there was no mistaking that we wre sisters and Sandy and I both said or was it just me, anyway I said that we look like our mother, Sandy and I looked at each other and smiled, that  is the closest I've felt to her in a long time and she is actually my favorite sister. Sister Cindy and I just never quite made it to the friends stage but I think that was probably more my fault than hers, I was six when she came along and I had been the only girl for those six years, it was a bit of a shock to me. I suppose I should take the time to tell her that, I do love her, I stopped hating her a long time ago but her I'm better than you attitude bugs me especially when she fell into the same tra as I did the first time she got pregnant. Plus she seems willing to take what crumbs she can get from Tim if it means she gets to spend time with his girls and I refused to settle for crumbs. I do not think we are that different inside we just choose to live our lives differently.

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