Thursday, June 13, 2013


I channeled my father last night, it is the only explanation I have for why his words were coming out of my mouth, either him or my mother but it felt like dad. It was the weirdest thing!

Afterwards it was all I could do not to burst into gales of laughter, I have never felt such waves of joy and amusement, not since I was a small girl. It was the weirdest feeling. It was the weirdest thing... it actually stayed with meup to the point when I hugged Dean and then it was gone.

I would give much to feel that alive again.

Friday, June 7, 2013

June 7, 2013

I cry a lot, I know this and yet I can't stop. I want to make the world go away and leave me alone for a little while. I want the pain to go away and leave me alone for ever. I want to lose weight like everyone keeps telling me I should but I just don't see the point of sweating and hurting to make it happen, I sweat enough with the hot flashes I get from menopause. The ceasing of my period was supposed to be a blessed releif except it brought a whole lot of other stuff with it that happens every day instead of just seven days out of every 28.

I want out of this world some days I actually consider moving it forward faster but it will come when it comes. I want to sleep a lot and inside I am always crying and complaining and I just can't stop. For four months I worked on making my dream of writing a book of poetry come true, then about midway through the fifth month I just felt overwhelmed. I wanted to quit, I am almost finished one set of classes but I am way late on the last lesson.

I garnered a couple of awards and won a couple of raffles and now I do this but I don't work on the Write on Stuff as much as I used to. I am seriously thinking about dropping the two Academy classes I'm in because I just can't focus on it. I need something, I am seeking something and I just haven't found it yet.

I need something to keep me going, to help me stop feeling so down all the time. I need something that will help me keep going maybe slowly for now just as long as I keep going, I need to do the things I have agreed to do and I need to finish the things I started but the fact is I feel like I can't. Right now I just want to crawl back in my bed and sleep. And sleep and sleep for the rest of the year, except that tomorrow I have to help Ness look after the boys while Dean works, I have so may thoughts in my head but mainly I just feel like crying on the outside since I'm crying on the inside all the time already. I would love to go through my life without groaning or talking about ain or about the grey stuff in my head that makes it hard to think let alone focus or comcentrate. I feel useless and hopeless and don't know why I am still here. By what right am I still breathing when I am just so much wasted space, a burden on my daughter, a burden on society, a burden on my ex-husband who should be an ex but isn't cause it's easier to keep him around then let him go even though we live our lives totally seperate.

Have I done 750 words, I don't know and I don't care, I don't care about anything right now, my bed is calling me and if I thought I could sleep without waking up in pain I would. I would very much like one disease I could point to and say this is killing me and in the process it is taking away my will to live and various bodily functions and while this is happening there is no dyagnosis that says this is what is wrong just a bunch of initials and general ailments and syndromes that add up to a person who goes from her bed to her computer to looking after her grandsons for a few hours to her computer and then back to bed only to get up 3 or 4 hours later to repeat the process.

I have no paper dyagnosis for anything ecept that I know the symptoms because the doctor has told me I have the symptoms but the doctor writes lousy notes so there is no real record.

Acid Reflux
H Pylorii in my system but not active
Fibromyalgia Syndrome
Chronic Fatigue

All of which add up to a person who is tired and in pain all the time, who has regular suicide thoughts with a side of bowels and stomach that is either working too fast or too slow and hurt like the devil sometimes from spasms, and whose thinking parts work real slow when they are not racing full steam ahead about nothing and everything. Borderline Personality Disorder- perhaps once but my meds help with that.

I thought to define all of those things up there but I am just too tired today.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

June 5, 2013

So much on my mind I hardly know where to begin, I have not been sleeping well even with the aid of the CPAP, bad dreams I think and the fact that unless I take it off I can't burp and that can make me feel nauseous and difficult to breathe cause I have air coming in and air trying to get out and they get stuck in my throat. I am yawning my head off I do not know if I'm tired or I'm just not breathing deep enough. Either way today is shaping up into another bad day.

I need to work on my homework for Grammar Garden & Dynamic Reviewing plus the PaperDolls version and more.

  1. Grammar Garden Homework
  2. Dynamic Reviewing Homework
  3. PDG Reviewing
  4. PDG Library
  5. Reviewing for 6 prizes, five winners but either way it adds up to 30 reviews for the contests plus 3 for PDG and 1 for Dynamic
  6.  Work on Woulf
  7. Work on Cassandra
  8. Work on 52 Poems
  9. Coursera course Crafting an Effective Writer: Tools of the Trade
  10. Coursera course First year Composition 2.0
  11. CodeAcademy CSS course
  12. Personal Homework, Mindfulness Reading
  13. Creative Indulgences Blog Posts one a day
  14. Make my bed
  15. Feed the cat
  16. Clean the litter box
  17. Vacuum my rug
  18. Sort through my stuff- Get rid of a lot of it.
  19. Put my clothes away
  20. Make a schedule of Purchases for Vanessa's wedding
  21. Review the budget and move the money around as needed
  22. Make sure the people who are supposed to get money do
  23. Read email
  24. Respond to Google Plus
  25. Pet the dog & the cat
  26. Take the dog out for a walk
  27. Personal reading
  28. Personal writing like this
  29. Watch the boys
  30. Take care of my facebook farms
No wonder I'm freaking exhausted and I haven't even added exercise or social plans. I am still waiting on ODSP I'm hoping that they actually OK it this time because otherwise I'm going to have to fight for it and that will be a lot of hassle on top of everything else. Plus I'm sure I'm missing something somewhere or could have broken down things a bit more but the list above is 30 items long, sure most of that is educational and I can let some of it slide but there are other things I can't do that with like the PDG Library, I still need to take care of the Author of the month stuff in the PDG Library and add the links I have. On top of all that my stomach and bowels are both acting up makinf me feel sicker than I did when I woke up. I think I may have to let a few things go, like the coursera  classes even though I would really like to get them done, I have time, a couple of more years anyway. I ache from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, my stomach is roiling and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Things I must absolutely do: 
  • 30 reviews
  • daily chores stuff like making my bed and taking care of the animals
  • PDG Library
  • budget stuff
  • sorting my stuff
Everything else is non-urgent or negotiable. The courses I can always drop, they are free and offered on a fairly regular basis, The WDC ones cost gift points but not so many it will hurt to lose them especially since I have won a few raffles and I get paid for my reviews. So tired, I really want to go back to bed but I don't know if I should with my stomach acting the way it is.