Friday, June 7, 2013

June 7, 2013

I cry a lot, I know this and yet I can't stop. I want to make the world go away and leave me alone for a little while. I want the pain to go away and leave me alone for ever. I want to lose weight like everyone keeps telling me I should but I just don't see the point of sweating and hurting to make it happen, I sweat enough with the hot flashes I get from menopause. The ceasing of my period was supposed to be a blessed releif except it brought a whole lot of other stuff with it that happens every day instead of just seven days out of every 28.

I want out of this world some days I actually consider moving it forward faster but it will come when it comes. I want to sleep a lot and inside I am always crying and complaining and I just can't stop. For four months I worked on making my dream of writing a book of poetry come true, then about midway through the fifth month I just felt overwhelmed. I wanted to quit, I am almost finished one set of classes but I am way late on the last lesson.

I garnered a couple of awards and won a couple of raffles and now I do this but I don't work on the Write on Stuff as much as I used to. I am seriously thinking about dropping the two Academy classes I'm in because I just can't focus on it. I need something, I am seeking something and I just haven't found it yet.

I need something to keep me going, to help me stop feeling so down all the time. I need something that will help me keep going maybe slowly for now just as long as I keep going, I need to do the things I have agreed to do and I need to finish the things I started but the fact is I feel like I can't. Right now I just want to crawl back in my bed and sleep. And sleep and sleep for the rest of the year, except that tomorrow I have to help Ness look after the boys while Dean works, I have so may thoughts in my head but mainly I just feel like crying on the outside since I'm crying on the inside all the time already. I would love to go through my life without groaning or talking about ain or about the grey stuff in my head that makes it hard to think let alone focus or comcentrate. I feel useless and hopeless and don't know why I am still here. By what right am I still breathing when I am just so much wasted space, a burden on my daughter, a burden on society, a burden on my ex-husband who should be an ex but isn't cause it's easier to keep him around then let him go even though we live our lives totally seperate.

Have I done 750 words, I don't know and I don't care, I don't care about anything right now, my bed is calling me and if I thought I could sleep without waking up in pain I would. I would very much like one disease I could point to and say this is killing me and in the process it is taking away my will to live and various bodily functions and while this is happening there is no dyagnosis that says this is what is wrong just a bunch of initials and general ailments and syndromes that add up to a person who goes from her bed to her computer to looking after her grandsons for a few hours to her computer and then back to bed only to get up 3 or 4 hours later to repeat the process.

I have no paper dyagnosis for anything ecept that I know the symptoms because the doctor has told me I have the symptoms but the doctor writes lousy notes so there is no real record.

Acid Reflux
H Pylorii in my system but not active
Fibromyalgia Syndrome
Chronic Fatigue

All of which add up to a person who is tired and in pain all the time, who has regular suicide thoughts with a side of bowels and stomach that is either working too fast or too slow and hurt like the devil sometimes from spasms, and whose thinking parts work real slow when they are not racing full steam ahead about nothing and everything. Borderline Personality Disorder- perhaps once but my meds help with that.

I thought to define all of those things up there but I am just too tired today.

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