Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Lightbulb Moment

I was sitting on my bed this morning after really looking at myself naked in a mirror this morning. Like most women of a certain age and girth I tend to avoid doing that as it is extremely depressing. Hey I'm 5' 1" and 225 odd pounds it's depressing add the drooping ladies and you get a very depressing picture.

Anyway I was sitting on the edge of the bed thinking about that image and life in general since I've been visiting my ex and I came to two conclusions.

One visiting this place for an extended length of time is not good for me. I fall into old protective patterns that I thought I had moved past.

Second I have a real issue with impulse control. Of the two things I am resolved to work on this one because I think it is the singular most debilitating and counter-productive trait I have. If I can control it a lot of things could become easier including losing the hundred plus pounds I'm carrying around.

So far from what I've read over-eating is an attempt to fill some kind of internal void, now I know I'm way out of touch with my emotions, I don't react emotionally to much. Some of the other stuff I've read says that impulse shopping is about the thrill of ownership. Since my impulses currently run around my weight issues I am hoping that it is only an attempt to fill the hole left by the missing emotions and not a death wish. In my reading I found this:

So I hear you asking, “Dr. Hokemeyer, what is the solution?” In my experience, the solution begins with the following 2 steps:

Step 1: Identify the Behavior
  • Make a list of your self-defeating reactions. Whatever they are (eating, drinking, smoking, yelling at another person) write them down.
  • Take the list and post it somewhere you will see it daily (the bathroom mirror is a great place).
  • Share this list with another person you trust. Negative behaviors thrive in isolation. Our secrets keep us sick.
  • By identifying the impulsive behaviors that get you into trouble and sharing them with another human being you can begin developing a consciousness that will enable you to avoid being controlled and defeated by your emotions.
Step 2: Develop Healthy Coping Skills
  • Through the awareness you developed in step 1, you can now experiment with healthy coping skills that serve instead of defeat you.
  • Some of these skills may include: counting from 1 to 10  (my personal favorite), walking away from a troubling situation or reaching out to a friend for comfort and support.
  • What’s important to remember is that, just like each individual has different triggers, each of us will have different coping skills that work for us in different ways. Give yourself room to experiment and don’t give up if you don’t immediately succeed. Try and try again.
Since you dear readers are the only ones I really trust I am sharing this with you.

Self-defeating habits:
1) If there is candy, ice cream or potato chips available in the house I will eat them usually within a single day of their arrival
2) I sleep when I get bored or if I want to avoid doing something
3) If I begin to think of anything as "exercise" I avoid it as much as possible (is that an impulse thing? Laziness for certain but I'm not sure about impulse)
4) Scratching everywhere all the time no idea why.

I can't think of anything else right at the moment but if I do I'll add it... I just had an amusing thought, up until a year ago I would have added seeking sex or participating in sexual behavior to that list, these days it just doesn't exist for me. Maybe that is part of the void I'm trying to fill. Emotionally stunted that is for certain. Time to go research some coping skills and prepare a list for displaying

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