Friday, December 6, 2013

December 6 Don't know what to do...

Have you ever been faced with a problem that is largely of your own making but which goes counter to everything you ever thought you knew?

I have always had a problem with rules; specifically the rules that say a good parent does this and this but doesn't do this and this. Yea I'm talking around the problem cause I am still pissed off but as I said earlier it is a problem largely of my own making. I do not know when I became my daughter's caretaker, I suppose back when she was seventeen and gave birth to a still born babe. Why did I react to that? because I was the one who talked her out of going to see the doctor the day he died. We could have saved him I think if we had gone to that appointment. And she would not have carried around a dead baby inside her for three weeks which caused all kinds of health issues for her both physical and mental.

Why did I talk her out of it? Because I was tired and neither of us really wanted to face the long trip to the doctors office, at least that's the way I remember it. Anyway so I felt responsible and it took her a long time to recover even a small portion of her former self. the experience changed her, made her over compensate with GD#1 in some ways and made her become irresponsible in some ways too, specifically where money is concerned. She spends to make herself feel better the way I eat to make myself feel better. In both our cases it has a huge impact on our lives but in her case it also has a huge impact on my SIL, GS #1 & 2 and GD #1 and to a lesser extent I suppose on me.

I compensate her, is that the right word, for the privilege of allowing me to be involved in my grandchildren's lives by covering the financial shortfalls when I can and asking my exhusband for help when I can't. He has more assets than we do but really not that much money, still he will help if he is able. Getting his money back to him is an issue, for some reason my daughter figures she shouldn't have to pay him back since I never make her pay me back. This time though...

It all began back in the summer when my daughter discovered payday loans, at first it was only a couple of hundred bucks which we could cover because my SIL was getting the hours to cover the debt and still have enough left for their day to day expenses. But then one of the places he works went into quarantine and he couldn't work there for a month because he might contaminate the second place. At the same time she took out a loan that I counselled her against of $640. Without the second paycheque there was no way to pay back the loan and make sure there were sufficient money for food & diapers. The cheque she had written went to the bank and bounced. The phone calls began. I kept telling her to at least make a token payment to them but she wouldn't. It sat like that until yesterday. Yesterday while the rent was in the accound the bank reprocessed the cheque leaving us with no way to pay the rent.

We have a very precarious relationship with our landlord. He is a bit of an SOB. We pay the rent in two payments because that is the only way we can do it. Half at the first of the month and half when the Child Tax Credit comes in. We had already asked him to wait on cashing the second cheque because my daughter had miscalculated how much money she needed for Christmas shopping. If it had gone in and bounced, as it was looking last night like it would do, our landlord would have presented us with a five day eviction notice.  To help cover it my daughter had put the boys christmas present up on kijijii as well as their computer and a couple of other things. I freaked!

She has a history of buying big expensive christmas presents and having to take them back to cover one bill or another and I did not want the boys to be deprived of the nice gifts as their sister had been. After I vented some of my anger I called my ex and begged him for help, telling him to take mine and sadly GD #1's christmas gifts back to the store and send us the money instead. I offered him anything he wanted as long as he would help us out with this. Now I have added $650 to the amount we already owed him due to some of the wedding expenses; making the total we owe him about $4000. Give or take some, I have no idea how much it is or how much he has been paid because I don't know how many of the payment's I mads from their bank account she cancelled. 

This afternoon I sent him $50 from a gift they got from some people who are helping my SIL stay out of Levenworth and she got angry with me because I sent it to him rather than leaving it there for her to spend elsewhere.

My mother taught me that the bills get paid, all of them before you even think about spending money on food or anything else. Because I have been covering her financially for a decade and a half now she has no understanding of why it makes me angry when we end up in a situation like this. My problem is I don't know how to stop doing it and I really need to before my ex grabs me out of here and tells her it's up to her to sink or swim. He has already threatened to do just that, to remove me from her household to keep me safe. I understand his reasoning which is why I need to figure out how to curb my tendency to protect her and the kids all the time. Plus the inherint stress in the situation has been making me physically ill and I really don't want to get that ulcer back.

So a problem largly of my own making that is causing certain people who are important to me to use me like a bank and through me my ex. A problem I need to solve ASAP before I end up back in Toronto where I realy do not want to be.


  1. I hope you don't end up in Toronto either, Cheryl. This is a longstanding and complicated problem and I'm not going to give advice cause you are the expert on your life. I have my thoughts but I'll keep them to myself. I will say though that it seems you carry a lot of guilt, and you are deserving of self-forgiveness. We have all made big mistakes with our loved ones. If you'd like to talk, I'd be happy to listen. Hope to see you Sunday.

  2. Hmmm I would love to hear/ see your thoughts, its why I write stuff here for the world to see so people and share their thoughts with me. Sunday is still a go! Remind me please what time am I supposed to meet you?

  3. Heya Cheryl....I left a phone message today (Saturday) but you guys are starts at 12:45pm Sunday so can you meet me at the bus terminal for 12 noon? I'm sneaking in 2 cans of Diet Coke cause I can't afford snack bar prices...I can bring grapes too....

    Ok....bearing in mind I'm not a parent so you can take what a say with a grain of salt. About your daughter's stillborn child---you are NOT responsible for his death. Tragedies happen and you loved your daughter and would have loved this child. You weren't a doctor and didn't know what was really happening. If you were an awful person you wouldn't be hanging on to guilt, you would be skipping through life not caring about your decisions from the past.
    Yes she has had trauma in her life, and you love her so much and wish she never was hurt. But it did happen, and it wasn't anyone's fault. And you had your own pains and weren't there for her in some ways, but you certainly have been in more recent years.
    Would you say that because your father was an alcoholic, you weren't responsible for your own children? Of course you would not. I understand how your ex feels. She needs to learn how to be responsible. Her learning to take care of herself will be her true protection. I hope therapy will help you with the "guilts". You have done your job, you need to live too! It is also very harmful for her children that she not spend time alone with them. Well, that's enough outta me...

  4. Thank you! You are correct and this is why I am doing therapy but I have so much guilt built up inside me that that is mostly all I see. BTW my father was an alcoholic and I am responsible for my children. The knowing and doing as always are two separate things for me but I'm trying.

    Hmmm I need to talk less about me and my problems and more about you and yours. A friendship goes two ways and I am more than willing to lend a shoulder or an ear and I'll even offer advise if you want it :) So far it's been you supporting me hopefully I can support you too. See you tomorrow