Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Jan 21, 2014

How far would you go to beat something that is unbeatable? I can not fight this week every ounce of energy seems to have been drained out of me. The world is full of bad news and bad memories haunt my dreams.

A friend I knew died the death of the single and alone. When your heart stops pumping you die but that is not the sad part, the sad part is that you can lie there for hours or even days before someone realizes you are dead. It has become a fear of mine that someday that will be me. It is a recent fear, newly minted when my cousin Roger died and it took a week for others to realize he was. Bad smell and all they ignored it until it couldn't be ignored and then the other roomers called their landlord rather than check for themselves.

I thought I was so smart, that I was actually making progress and getting better, but the depression hits hard and the pain hits hard and between the two of them I am down for the count for many days. Today makes day 6 I think though it feels like so much longer in this mental place. And I have no fight in me, I have no energy and worst of all I have no desire at all to change my current mood.

Another thing occurs to me, I watched half my life walk out the door last week. Perhaps as long as I still had all that stuff around I could pretend I would get my old life with the Professor back but it is gone and I am not ever going to get it back. The last of that life went out the door to be given to more needy and deserving souls. Well not all of it I did keep a few things and my room still feels cluttered but at least it is manageable now.

So many factors to consider when you think about causes and triggers. I have a lot of triggers and I should be concentrating on correcting them but it just seems like too much work today or any day. An effect I am aware of  is that I don't shower when I am depressed, not for weeks on end and I know it has been at least two weeks since my last shower because I had one just before going to the craving change group.

Another effect that I am aware off is my tendency to eat a lot of sugar and refined wheat products. My body does not deal well with either so I get all slow and muddled inside which aggravates the depression. Cause and effect but like most it is circular, I get depressed I eat more of that bad stuff, my body rebels and I eat even more to fix it and then feel bad because I know that wasn't what I should do. Round and round it goes.

Shoulds' are another big trigger. I found that out last week at the healthy self-esteem group. We all have them that list of things we should be instead of the things we are. Sometimes we say we need to be like this or do that but that is just a disguised should too. An example of one of my shoulds is "A normal person showers daily therefore if I want to be normal then I should shower daily too" except for me with the fibro showering everyday could aggravate the nerve endings and increase the number of pain days I have, when I feel normal for me I shower about once a week.

Ok seems I got sidetracked a little. I guess that is it for today

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