Saturday, January 25, 2014

January 25, 2014

I have sought inside myself for days, looking for the reason I have entered this stasis. The most compelling thought seems to be, "it is cold outside, I do not go outside when winter is here". I feel that this is not entirely true that there must be something more.

Laziness comes to mind it describes me well some days. It's definition is: the quality of being unwilling to work or use energy; idleness. It describes me well except that depression also works this way so perhaps it is a little bit of both. All I know is this is the thought that most often accompanies me when I go to lie down yet again
I have big dreams but I have no gumption so they shall remain dreams that I torment myself with on a daily basis.

I think but there must be another reason that I am held in this one place every day even though I have plans and the means to carry them out.

Perhaps the fear of what will happen if I succeed may be part of it. Since the drugs cut off the sexual part of me and then menopause finished the job still I am afraid that if I achieve my goal of physical fitness that all my physical needs will return.

Or the other side of the coin once I have my body back will I be subject to the same abuses I've suffered my whole life. I want only one man yet in my head I see the seemingly endless stream of others I've had sex with and I wonder will I be the woman all men want to have sex with again. I sincerely do not want that at all. That life was not healthy nor do I wish to return to it.

1 comment:

  1. I think many, many people wish to hibernate this time of year and do so much as they can. Those who work by necessity must go out more, and those with vehicles can more conveniently. It's just not pleasant to be out right now. The greyness of the days may also lead many to seasonal depression. On top of that we may have visions of being transformed and renewed, when the reality of meeting those goals takes long, grinding, mundane work and many natural setbacks along the way which are not part of the vision.
    I know I have a deep seated fear which is implied in your last paragraph: that if I reach my goal and look a certain way I won't be able to say NO. I will have to give in to any attention, I won't be able to draw boundaries and I won't be able to trust myself. It's not about my body at all but my belief that I am powerless. From childhood I've tried to find power (unconsciously then of course) by soothing myself emotionally with food and making a boundary with weight, so I'd be left alone. I had to do that then, but now I have actual power that the inner me is terrified of. It means coming into myself finally and putting myself first, risking offending others and saying no because I have a choice now. And understanding and facing the feelings of exposure I attach to looking a certain way. It is complicated for survivors but we have friends and professionals walking with us as we take each small step. Hugs Doren