I have sought inside myself for days, looking for the reason I have entered this stasis. The most compelling thought seems to be, "it is cold outside, I do not go outside when winter is here". I feel that this is not entirely true that there must be something more.
Laziness comes to mind it describes me well some days. It's definition is: the quality of being unwilling to work or use energy; idleness. It describes me well except that depression also works this way so perhaps it is a little bit of both. All I know is this is the thought that most often accompanies me when I go to lie down yet again
I think but there must be another reason that I am held in this one place every day even though I have plans and the means to carry them out.
Perhaps the fear of what will happen if I succeed may be part of it. Since the drugs cut off the sexual part of me and then menopause finished the job still I am afraid that if I achieve my goal of physical fitness that all my physical needs will return.
Or the other side of the coin once I have my body back will I be subject to the same abuses I've suffered my whole life. I want only one man yet in my head I see the seemingly endless stream of others I've had sex with and I wonder will I be the woman all men want to have sex with again. I sincerely do not want that at all. That life was not healthy nor do I wish to return to it.