Saturday, February 15, 2014

Distress

I find my mind going down the paths that all depressives know to be on the look for. The one that starts out , "I'm so tired of this I just want it to end" and gets progressively worse. Granted there is an underlayer of my mind that is always wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up again but my conciousness of this does not impinge on my ability to continue to do my daily tasks.

Tonight though I found that that underlayer was rising and making itself heard in my awake mind. I do not even know what triggered it. A smell maybe... or more likely an image.

I have dishes piled up on my floor, not a lot but certainly a weeks worth for one person, dishes I know need to get done. Some of then have been sitting there for over a month. I could wash them in the bathroom but I keep putting it off. The smell of spoilage is becoming quite strong in that corner of my room.

The pile of dishes joined another pattern in my mind, the fact that though I have everything I need for cooking I just can't bring myself to do much more than throw some noodles, frozen veggies and what ever leftover protein I've scrounged from my daughter into a pot and call it supper. I use to be a good cook but I just don't have the interest or the energy to make a meal just for me.

Tonight I found myself wondering why I bother to eat at all. I found myself wishing I could get drunk so my body would decay faster. I found myself wondering how I could get myself frozen to death. And finally I considered the pills option. No I did not act on any of them, when I recognized what was happening I distracted myself. I've become pretty good at pulling myself back from the brink, I've had forty years to get good at it.

In pulling myself back from the brink though I looked at several things that have been bugging me. The Professor told me in no uncertain terms that he and I would never live as a couple again. He has told me before but then I see him and he hugs me or gives me a peck or holds my hand and I allow myself to hope again. I do not know why I allow this state of affairs to continue, probably because the thought of going hunting for  a new partner is not something I want to do. I know I don't need a partner in my life but some part of me feels as if I need that human contact, that special bond between couples.

In thinking about it it occurred to me that I should switch out this queen size bed for a single, that way the temptation to cuddle with him while I sleep would be gone.

From there my mind went to my friend who has also been going through a rough patch but I'm feeling as if she has abandoned me. I really need a female friend I can talk to and share things with but I need them to be there for me as much as I'm there for them and it just doesn't feel like we are connecting at that level. Meanwhile maybe it's time to try and lose myself in a bottle of whisky or something. Sigh, that makes me feel so sad that I would even consider going back to that period in my life. I was a right mess before I was able to quit.

From there I am not sure where my mind went, I get glimpses from a life that hasn't been mine for 20 years, I see the moments that formed me and wonder if I chose the right path. It is like the recurring thought I have about going off the grid and living as self-sufficiently as possible. It would mean leaving electricity behind along with all of the things that depend on electricity to run. I think about it but I wonder would I be able to...I live in my daughters house and I feel like I'm barely surviving what would it be like if there was only me to look after me.

The thoughts that swirl in my head make me tired but they also prevent me from sleeping and always the thought repeats...what is the point? why am I still here? What possible use am I to me and mine or the world at large?

I'm just a waste of space a fifty-three year old women without hope, without prospects who lives with mental and physical pain every day. why am I still bothering to keep breathing?

And with that thought I think I need to distract myself somehow. Farmville 2 probably.

2 comments:

  1. Hon, I am so sorry you have been so down. I have been too, and thinking the thoughts of death a lot lately. And I am so sorry I have not been there for you....I haven't been here for my own self, plus I've been quite physically ill. All I can say is I haven't abandoned you, and I hope we can give the friendship another chance. I've emailed you and left a phone message today. I have great hope that our friendship can deepen....I also didn't hear from you for a couple of weeks and I had my 50th last week and it was a bummer.
    Ooo Ooo Ooo I still want to be your friend and see you much more pick up the phone already Doren

    ReplyDelete
  2. Damn! I didn't realize I had missed your birthday. Hope you have been OK.

    ReplyDelete