So much of my writing and art has been about the turmoil in my mind lately that I figured I'd better take a closer look at why it is happening especially with my word for the year foremost in my mind. I have expectations of myself and others do too, however what happens when those expectations clash or are seemingly total opposites of each other.
It is so hard to put into words this feeling of being frozen in place, frozen in fear. I have tried to make sense of it, well no...not exactly, I begin to think about it, then I feel down and then I feel tired, then I sleep leaving the conflict unresolved once again. The next day I do it all over again. I can't even say I make progress because it doesn't feel like I'm getting any closer to solving the riddle.
I have been told a thousand times in my life to. "just do it", what ever the it may be. I can't. Now some of you are going to be saying can't or won't? That is my quandary, can't means incapable of performing a certain task, won't means unwilling to perform a certain task, I am not clear which one of these is controlling my actions.
In my forebrain it feels as if I am incapable of helping myself, in my backbrain though it becomes more complex. In my back brain are all the questions and excuses that there ever were for staying where I am starting with, I know this place so it is safe and I am comfortable here. OK maybe not comfortable if you equate comfortable with acceptance of the status quo. If I were comfortable with myself I think I would be a lot more at rest with fewer questions than I feel I am.
Even the words that I want to write are tentative. Everything about me seems tentative to me lately. With a lot of maybe's and possibly's and perhaps's. I fear that if my hold on the world becomes any more tentative I will simply float away into space. I have even considered signing myself into the psych ward for an extended period of medical intervention. Course one sure way to do that would be to attempt suicide but it seems my will to continue to exist in some form outside of bedlam is too strong to allow me that route.
I have even considered asking the doctor to sign me in for complete psych eval, at the same time I would get less food so I would lose weight, that seems like a win, win for me but I'm afraid to ask in case I'm so crazy I won't ever get out again. I do have a wedding to attend in June after all. Oh and the ODSP Tribunal in July which I don't want to miss.
Yes the Tribunal is part of what has me going round in circles. I am sure I am going to lose because while I have several issues not of the get in my way of caring for myself for basic needs like toileting and dressing myself, I am even capable of cooking and feeding myself. So what if I need someone else to go get the groceries, I decide the menu, write out the list and pay for it. I can shower even though I put it off until I have no other choice because washing myself is difficult and can be painful. So what if I can only walk for a few minutes before my knee and back begin to complain, I can still walk and am mobile without assistive devices, except maybe a cane and I don't need one I would just like one to lean on when it's really icy or my knee is in bad shape.
Right now I am at the point where I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep some more, were it not for the fact that I know that is a defense mechanism from years gone by I might even give into it but today I want to fight a little longer.
I have considered my options as I see them a dozen times and I still keep coming up short because as sure as I am that I need to change something in my life I am not sure I want to. That being said it is a old tape in my head that has been played so often it has become a part of my daily life and I need to find a way to replace the old words with new ones that will push me forward not keep me mired in muck.