Monday, April 28, 2014

Quick update

Remember awhile back I was lamenting the failure of Scribefire in Chrome. Well I still can't use it in Chrome but it does work in Firefox and Firefox was my preferred browser for the longest time. Perhaps it is time to give Chrome a rest for a bit.

Test

This is a test

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I forgot ....

I had the perfect idea for a entry today last night and of course I didn't write it down so ahhh memory problems that's what it was about.

Go figure... I have been having the worse lapses of memory lately. I had a similar problem awhile back and I took ginko biloba and panax ginseng to help as I had found they helped before. For me it is usually a lack of focus, my mind is so full of worries and things that I lose track of my thoughts. The herbs help you focus and improves cognitive functioning. Things I used to know by heart have been pushed so far back in my mind that they have gone into storage. Once something goes into storage in my brain it is hard to recall it or bring it to the front of my mind.

Take birthdays for example, I used to know all my niece & nephew's birthdays plus my brothers and sister and even a few cousins. Now I have trouble remembering even one of my grandchildren's birthdays and I only have 6. Nieces, nephews, great nieces & nephews all gone.

A few days ago I went to call my sister who has had the same number for 10 years and I could not remember her number. I've even caught myself forgetting names like GD#1 and she will be 16 in October. It is scary sometimes the stuff I forget.

I know that the long term memories start to fade once you reach a certain age but damn .... they should warn you about the short term ones too.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Pleasure = Pain

Stepping outside my comfort zone scares me, I am still trying to figure out what the magical ingredient was that made the art therapy group last fall something I could do. I can only assume it was the art part because a large part of me wants to be an artist. 

I was not looking for a friendship, I suck at them, I always have. I withdraw and eventually the other person gets tired of trying to pull me out of my shell. It is why I have spent so many years as a loner. It is also why I haven't gone back to counselling or followed through on any of the groups I signed up for this year. It is scary! The world outside my haven is scary!

My life isn't my own but I hope to change that once the boys are in school, which will be this September. I feel like a prisoner here , made so by my own lack of volition and a promise I made to my daughter. If we are forced to move from here before the boys start school I am going to suggest to my daughter that they get a three bedroom and I find a place of my own. I am not sure how I can do that but I am going to try.

I do not initiate anything, I have always been one to wait and watch. I withdrew from the world when I was quite young due to a series of events that scarred me. 



As the years passed that withdrawal has become stronger, deeper (not sure the right word to describe it) until I am immobile in a chain of fear and mistrust. How does one free oneself from such bondage? Every time it seems like I have finally found a bit of joy something happens and I withdraw once more.

The trip to Quebec was a good example of that actually. I had fun while I was there but as soon as I got back I got sick. It feels like every time I start to enjoy life, something comes along that knocks me down. Pleasure=Pain and definitely not a good kind of pain so I limit my interactions with others so that I don't get too happy and bring some more bad luck down on myself.

As you can imagine this is upsetting to people who want to help. I simply won't let them near enough to touch me. I always view good luck with trepidation because I'm waiting for the bad luck I know is going to follow. Always!

I am aware of this but my mind is divided against itself, knowing is not the same as being able to do anything to change it. That is what I am working on trying to figure out, trying to make the knowing part connect with the doing part. Trying to repair my psyche, to improve my lifestyle, to become healthy.

Given how hard I tend to work against myself it is not an easy path nor a simple one!


So this is what it comes down to

I went to see my dietitian last week and ended up screwing up the beginnings of a good friendship. I could say it wasn't my fault but I was partially at fault. I forgot to prepare adequately. I have her address and phone number in my email but I forgot to write it down. I got back in Peterborough from Lakefield by 2PM as I expected to, I was to meet her at 2:30pm but I didn't have the information I needed. I was waiting for the bus, I had time so I went to the drug store to refill a prescription then walked back to the bus terminal. Since I didn't have her number or her address I decided I would go home and call her to let her know what was happening except that I didn't.

When I got home the house was in an uproar because my daughter & SIL had been refused their marriage license and they were freaking out which was upsetting GS#2. He acted out and was sent upstairs to me while his dad called the JP office to find out what they could do. I found my friends number but my SIL was on the phone and I had my hands full with GS#2 so I couldn't call. After my SIL got off the phone I was going to call but I didn't realize he was done until the phone rang and it was my friend who was understandably upset. I apologized and tried to explain but I was feeling very harassed by GS#2 so I spoke quickly & sharply to her. I was a victim of circumstance and I explained it but I haven't heard from her since nor have I called. I had things I had to act on, homework from the dietitian & the doctor for my health and well being.

Am I sorry this happened? Of course I am but at the same time I feel it is unfair to be angry at me for not calling or emailing one time while she has left me hanging around several times. I am conscientious and always try to give some notice when I can't do something but it isn't always easy and it doesn't happen often that I fail to do this but it does happen.

I am tired of being alone & lonely but at the same time I refuse to compromise my own values and goals. I need to know that I can trust a person understands my mental state and makes allowances for it. I do not take advantage of people but sometimes I fail to abide by the rules of good conduct. I will miss meetings but I always have a reason and I nearly always let the person I'm meeting know about it.

Anyway so I am distressed mentally and I watched myself this past weekend scarf down a whole bag of chocolate easter eggs and half a bag of jelly rabbits. Until that moment I would not have said that I was a stress eater or addicted to sugar but I fear both of these things are true and now I need to deal with them. Or else... The doctor made the last or else very clear the last time I saw him. Lose 10% minimum of your body weight or next year you will jabbing yourself every day to test your blood sugar. The year after that you will be taking insulin every day. Just 10% 22.5 lbs that's it, easy peasy you think...maybe.

I do not think it is so easy peasy at all. I wake up in the morning stiff & sore. I eat and take my meds about an hour after I take my meds I begin to feel spinning head tired. I am obviously taking a pill I should take before bed in the morning but I am not sure which one. I fight it as long as I can but by 10 or 11 I go to bed. What do I do between the time I wake up and the time I lay down for a nap? Read mostly, write this blog, work on my fitness plan, play a game on facebook. Very little physical movement even though I have a dog who loves to walk on her leash, a shit-ton of exercise music & videos and a membership to the local YMCA. Lots of opportunity but even the threat of insulin dependent diabetes doesn't seem to be enough motivation to move more.

I have even been working on a reward system but so far nothing has worked. I need to know why I am not making the effort. I still think it is a slow method of suicide and if this is so then I really need to get a handle on it and get it going, going gone.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Post Cleaning Blues

It never stays clean long. I had my space neat and tidy then along came my grandsons and now it is a mess of toys, ripped paper and other debris. On top of that all the dishes I had clean are dirty again. Of course it doesn't help that the professor is visiting and I just want to focus on him.

Still it is so annoying that a space that can look nearly spotless one day can look an absolute disaster the next day. What is even more annoying is that once upon a time I had a routine that I followed every day but somehow over the last few years I have lost. It involved having a life outside the computer screen which I guess was my greatest addiction/downfall. When they made computers portable, then found a way for me to get one my life changed, drastically.

In my 20's and early 30's I was out and about every day. I had friends I met for coffee or drinks, my house was neat if not exceptionally clean and I was in great physical shape. When I got my first home computer in my mid 30's it was a toy, something to learn and have fun with. I still spent more time out and about then I did in front of that screen. But by my mid-40's that had all changed and the computer and the world inside it had become the centre of my world. I spent far more time online that I spent in real life and now in my early 50's it is my whole world, I have no life outside my computer let alone outside my home. Well I guess that is not completely true I do have one friend and a lot of appointments to go to but before last year there was none of that. I seldom left the house except to do grocery shopping and would have done that from my computer too if I could have afforded to.

Today as I look at 53 and a half years of life and the path I have taken I wonder if I can ever get back to the person I used to be? The one who loved walking and exploring the world with her camera? For just a little while during the cleaning binge I felt a spark of what life used to be like. I took the boys to the park for an hour, then to the convenience store, then back home where they spent a couple of more hours outside in the back yard. I felt alive and happy but it was too soon gone and I am back to my tired, cranky self.

I would like to have that person back but for today I am glad to acknowledge that she exists and that perhaps there is hope for me yet.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Spring Cleaning Frenzy

Fueled by a notice of a house inspection by the landlord, the past four days have been a spring cleaning frenzy in this house. My daughter & SIL have cleaned, & patched every room downstairs and the backyard. My GD#1 and I have been working on our floor, her room & mine being the biggest issues as far as we were concerned. Today she is doing the stairwell and I am doing the bathroom. We have done a small clean on the hall but still need to wipe down the washer & dryer as well as vacuum. I'll do that after I finish the bathroom. I still need to vacuum in my room as well but on top of my cleaning chores I am watching the boys while they clean the carpet downstairs.

Me today!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Feeling the Pain

This is a exercise in streaming thoughts as they occur
My arm hurts actually my whole upper body aches though I think that is because of the tylenol 3 it just doesn't work the same as it used to. My grandson is here and making a lot of noise as usual I swear this 3 yr old never shuts up except when he is asleep stream of conciousness is not easy especially with whats going on in my body today but I'll keep trying. My jaw hurts and i need to do a salt water rinse cause of the tooth I got pulled, my eyes are all sticky and i am having trouble focusing on anythingbloddy hell this isn't going to work todayto much else to think about. Have to clean up the mess in front of my closet, have to wash the walls, need to vacuum the floor, need to clean the bathroom, hall & stairs maybe I just don't know if it is worth it, if he gets mad maybe they will find a cheaper place & I can go live somewhere else I like Kims idea, her mom has her very own house next door to theirs, I would like that. Then the kids could come see me and then I could send them home when I'd had enough. I really need to stop this and get to work on that cleaning but all I really want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. Not good I know it just keeps getting worse, the fatigue. I have very little energy left and I know I still have two days of babysitting. So tired.... I wish I could magic everything done then magic myself somewhere far away, deep in the bush some where so no one would bug me for a long while, course that means if I die it would be a long time before I was found but you know what that doesn't sound as bad to me as it used to. I figure I'll be 55 before I get any semblance of a life of my own.Fed up, worn out and still I know I got two more years of this but I swear come my 55th birthday I am out of here. By then both boys will be in school and I will no longer be needed as a nursemaid. Well I guess I'll get back to life as I know it.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

April 10, 2014

I finished the wrap! Six skeins of purple yarn to make it the length I wanted, I have begun a matching head band and a kerchief from a autumn cotton I've been saving. Somewhere there is a loom with part of an wrap made from the same autumn cotton which I want to finish except that I can't seem to find the loom.

I know you need pictures and I will get some for you as soon as I can.

Today is a Nana School day for GS#2. He has been acting a little odd lately, like he doesn't like me much, not sure what happened, maybe he is just upset because I took his brother to McDonalds the other day. He (GS#2) hasn't been having much luck in the potty training thing, he hasn't pee'd once in the toilet that I have seen but he keeps trying which is more than his brother did. They are both looking forward to Woodbine Centre and the big playground there which is the big prize to celebrate them being fully trained.

GS#1 is still having issues with pooping in the toilet but we are working on it. Soon he will be ready to try sleeping without a diaper as well. He seems motivated enough but like most boys when he is absorbed in something he doesn't want to stop to go to the bathroom so he still has a large number of accidents. Given my belief that he is high functioning Autistic it is not surprising that his ability to focus is on only one thing at a time. Still I keep working on it.

For myself I have finally gotten that broken tooth out and the dentist filled my crooked tooth. I have nine other cavities but I am not that despondent it could have been a lot more given how little care I've been taking of my teeth of late. I have also gotten another extension on my Employment search uhm forgotten the word, any way it means that I only have to job search as I am able

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April 2nd

Well it's official I have lost my voice! This doesn't happen to me very often or at least it didn't used to. This is only the first time this year but last year I lost it twice that I recall. It is quite annoying as while I don't talk much I like the ability to do so. I am not completely mute, thank goddess for small favours, but I can't speak above a whisper. Since this is supposed to be a school day for GS#2 you can understand a bit of my frustration.

Days like today I wish I knew sign language and that they did too. At least then communication would be painless. Even putting Vicks on my throat has not helped and it usually does. Yuk two day old black coffee sucks but I didn't want to make a whole pot just yet. I know I could have just chucked it but I wanted coffee now and it was sitting there.
Fitness wise I am improving a bit but I still have a lot of work ahead of me. Did I tell you about the LDL's apparently I have too many so now I take a cholesterol pill on top of everything else. I think I need to focus on something else ... thinking about the pills waiting for me just makes me sad. I have five prescriptions now plus I take three vitamins and of course my daily allotment of painkillers, at least that is only Tylenol extra strength but I take an average of 6 of them a day just to keep the pain tolerable.

Not mine but pretty close in number
What started out as a simple cold has become a sinus infection of some sort I think ... at least a lot of green gunk keeps coming out when I blow my nose which is roughly every ten minutes. A lot of complaining about my health to day it seems. I do try to avoid talking about stuff other than the depression but sometimes you just have to vent you know.


I had to add a few images to lighten this up hope they helped.