Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Pleasure = Pain

Stepping outside my comfort zone scares me, I am still trying to figure out what the magical ingredient was that made the art therapy group last fall something I could do. I can only assume it was the art part because a large part of me wants to be an artist. 

I was not looking for a friendship, I suck at them, I always have. I withdraw and eventually the other person gets tired of trying to pull me out of my shell. It is why I have spent so many years as a loner. It is also why I haven't gone back to counselling or followed through on any of the groups I signed up for this year. It is scary! The world outside my haven is scary!

My life isn't my own but I hope to change that once the boys are in school, which will be this September. I feel like a prisoner here , made so by my own lack of volition and a promise I made to my daughter. If we are forced to move from here before the boys start school I am going to suggest to my daughter that they get a three bedroom and I find a place of my own. I am not sure how I can do that but I am going to try.

I do not initiate anything, I have always been one to wait and watch. I withdrew from the world when I was quite young due to a series of events that scarred me. 

As the years passed that withdrawal has become stronger, deeper (not sure the right word to describe it) until I am immobile in a chain of fear and mistrust. How does one free oneself from such bondage? Every time it seems like I have finally found a bit of joy something happens and I withdraw once more.

The trip to Quebec was a good example of that actually. I had fun while I was there but as soon as I got back I got sick. It feels like every time I start to enjoy life, something comes along that knocks me down. Pleasure=Pain and definitely not a good kind of pain so I limit my interactions with others so that I don't get too happy and bring some more bad luck down on myself.

As you can imagine this is upsetting to people who want to help. I simply won't let them near enough to touch me. I always view good luck with trepidation because I'm waiting for the bad luck I know is going to follow. Always!

I am aware of this but my mind is divided against itself, knowing is not the same as being able to do anything to change it. That is what I am working on trying to figure out, trying to make the knowing part connect with the doing part. Trying to repair my psyche, to improve my lifestyle, to become healthy.

Given how hard I tend to work against myself it is not an easy path nor a simple one!

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