Monday, April 14, 2014

Post Cleaning Blues

It never stays clean long. I had my space neat and tidy then along came my grandsons and now it is a mess of toys, ripped paper and other debris. On top of that all the dishes I had clean are dirty again. Of course it doesn't help that the professor is visiting and I just want to focus on him.

Still it is so annoying that a space that can look nearly spotless one day can look an absolute disaster the next day. What is even more annoying is that once upon a time I had a routine that I followed every day but somehow over the last few years I have lost. It involved having a life outside the computer screen which I guess was my greatest addiction/downfall. When they made computers portable, then found a way for me to get one my life changed, drastically.

In my 20's and early 30's I was out and about every day. I had friends I met for coffee or drinks, my house was neat if not exceptionally clean and I was in great physical shape. When I got my first home computer in my mid 30's it was a toy, something to learn and have fun with. I still spent more time out and about then I did in front of that screen. But by my mid-40's that had all changed and the computer and the world inside it had become the centre of my world. I spent far more time online that I spent in real life and now in my early 50's it is my whole world, I have no life outside my computer let alone outside my home. Well I guess that is not completely true I do have one friend and a lot of appointments to go to but before last year there was none of that. I seldom left the house except to do grocery shopping and would have done that from my computer too if I could have afforded to.

Today as I look at 53 and a half years of life and the path I have taken I wonder if I can ever get back to the person I used to be? The one who loved walking and exploring the world with her camera? For just a little while during the cleaning binge I felt a spark of what life used to be like. I took the boys to the park for an hour, then to the convenience store, then back home where they spent a couple of more hours outside in the back yard. I felt alive and happy but it was too soon gone and I am back to my tired, cranky self.

I would like to have that person back but for today I am glad to acknowledge that she exists and that perhaps there is hope for me yet.

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