Tuesday, April 22, 2014

So this is what it comes down to

I went to see my dietitian last week and ended up screwing up the beginnings of a good friendship. I could say it wasn't my fault but I was partially at fault. I forgot to prepare adequately. I have her address and phone number in my email but I forgot to write it down. I got back in Peterborough from Lakefield by 2PM as I expected to, I was to meet her at 2:30pm but I didn't have the information I needed. I was waiting for the bus, I had time so I went to the drug store to refill a prescription then walked back to the bus terminal. Since I didn't have her number or her address I decided I would go home and call her to let her know what was happening except that I didn't.

When I got home the house was in an uproar because my daughter & SIL had been refused their marriage license and they were freaking out which was upsetting GS#2. He acted out and was sent upstairs to me while his dad called the JP office to find out what they could do. I found my friends number but my SIL was on the phone and I had my hands full with GS#2 so I couldn't call. After my SIL got off the phone I was going to call but I didn't realize he was done until the phone rang and it was my friend who was understandably upset. I apologized and tried to explain but I was feeling very harassed by GS#2 so I spoke quickly & sharply to her. I was a victim of circumstance and I explained it but I haven't heard from her since nor have I called. I had things I had to act on, homework from the dietitian & the doctor for my health and well being.

Am I sorry this happened? Of course I am but at the same time I feel it is unfair to be angry at me for not calling or emailing one time while she has left me hanging around several times. I am conscientious and always try to give some notice when I can't do something but it isn't always easy and it doesn't happen often that I fail to do this but it does happen.

I am tired of being alone & lonely but at the same time I refuse to compromise my own values and goals. I need to know that I can trust a person understands my mental state and makes allowances for it. I do not take advantage of people but sometimes I fail to abide by the rules of good conduct. I will miss meetings but I always have a reason and I nearly always let the person I'm meeting know about it.

Anyway so I am distressed mentally and I watched myself this past weekend scarf down a whole bag of chocolate easter eggs and half a bag of jelly rabbits. Until that moment I would not have said that I was a stress eater or addicted to sugar but I fear both of these things are true and now I need to deal with them. Or else... The doctor made the last or else very clear the last time I saw him. Lose 10% minimum of your body weight or next year you will jabbing yourself every day to test your blood sugar. The year after that you will be taking insulin every day. Just 10% 22.5 lbs that's it, easy peasy you think...maybe.

I do not think it is so easy peasy at all. I wake up in the morning stiff & sore. I eat and take my meds about an hour after I take my meds I begin to feel spinning head tired. I am obviously taking a pill I should take before bed in the morning but I am not sure which one. I fight it as long as I can but by 10 or 11 I go to bed. What do I do between the time I wake up and the time I lay down for a nap? Read mostly, write this blog, work on my fitness plan, play a game on facebook. Very little physical movement even though I have a dog who loves to walk on her leash, a shit-ton of exercise music & videos and a membership to the local YMCA. Lots of opportunity but even the threat of insulin dependent diabetes doesn't seem to be enough motivation to move more.

I have even been working on a reward system but so far nothing has worked. I need to know why I am not making the effort. I still think it is a slow method of suicide and if this is so then I really need to get a handle on it and get it going, going gone.

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