I spend a lot of time complaining about my daughter, I know this, but without her I would be alone and scared a lot. Without her and her kids I would have no place to lie my head . No place where hugs are available whenever I need one. I judge her harshly but I think in truth I am judging my failures with her. The things I should have done that I didn't do and the things I should have said but never did. Sure I get exasperated by her seeming inability to see her own failings but I have to admit to myself I have several failings of my own.
Ok I thought this was going to draft not getting published so maybe I was more out of it more than I though. No matter life continues and I spend my time re-thinking a lot of my previously held beliefs because they just don't seem to fit right. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced depression and abuse the way I have and even harder to explain to someone who doesn't have 50 plus years of living. The framework is just missing.
I am beginning to think that 50+ is the age of reason though I am not absolutely sure of that. I do find myself thinking more clearly about the past than I used to. I am learning about cognitive therapy and applying the principles to myself though it is slow going