Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Fill Your Cup Journal Prompts - Know Yourself

Name three places that make you feel whole.

Going by the definition I wrote last time that would be places I feel complete and one with the world.

The first one is easy here in my tiny jr one bedroom with just me, my cats and my computer that feels perfect. I am not responsible for anyone else or anything except making sure life is good for me and my cats.

In the summer there is a cafe on the river where I feel peaceful and content. A cup of coffee and a bite, my e-reader in my hand and all is right with the world. I can listen to the river or the conversations around me and I feel complete.

I am realizing that the third place I feel whole is dependent on the people I'm with then the place where I am, often the place causes stress of a sort but then I look at my daughter and her children or feel and hear the Professor and I am at peace within myself again. They are my family and my legacy, it is enough.

If I looked deep down to the very depths of who I am, I trust that I would find:

  • Courage, personal strength
  • Curiosity about the world and everything in it
  • An ability to speak what I now only write
  • A person worth taking the time and having the patience to know
  • A loyal friend
All of these are standard replies to the question who am I, yet to find this person first you have to get through my walls. Patiently deal with me breaking appointments hours before I am supposed to appear dozens of times. To get to this person you would have to be comfortable with silence or to be willing and able to carry a whole conversation mostly on your own. More difficult is that you would have to initiate the whole process because I am so scared of rejection that I seldom take the first step in making friends preferring others to take the first step in that dance.

If you have the patience to see the process repeated often due to the fluctuating nature of my world view and my marked reluctance to leave my apartment for more than a few hours a month I am a true and loyal friend that is fairly good at listening and great at giving hugs.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Know Yourself Part 2

A study into ways to Fill Your Cup when you are running low.

Name three things that make you feel whole: Three things that make me feel whole???

I thought this would be the easiest question to answer but it is proving to be more difficult than I expected.

First off what does feel whole mean: feeling complete and satisfied, with no gaps in life, no sense of something or someone missing. 

"Ultimately minding the body and mending the mind have more to do with wholeness -- healing -- than with curing. To be whole means to be a flexible adventurer, ready to meet life's challenges with engagement and curiosity. It means feeling a sense of connection to the whole of life -- to other people, to new ideas, to the world around us. It means thinking less about 'I, me, and mine' and more about how we are all interconnected in a great web of life. It means caring for others and doing what we can to make the world a better place. It means recognizing that happiness arises within us independent of any external cause and removing the obstructions to that inner peace and happiness that are our birthright as human beings." 

-- Joan Borysenko in 
Minding the Body, Mending the Mind 

After I read this quote I stopped and thought a bit because my first reaction was that I do not feel connected to anything except family; my daughter, my grandchildren and the Professor. Nothing else is important... even as I wrote that I remembered waiting in the Macs downstairs to make sure some stranger had enough money to buy what he wanted because I felt sorry for him.

I say hello to anyone who says hello to me and I smile at anyone who smiles at me but I don't feel a bond with them.

It is a sad effect from the life I've lived that I have empathy but no connection to the rest of the world. No one I can point to and say definitively that they are part of my world view. That they are important to me in any way except my grandchildren and they are important mainly because they share my blood.

Yes I am aware of how cold that sounds but that is how I feel most of the time cold, remote, removed from the rest of humanity. Sometimes I wish I could get back to who I was in my 20's when I still trusted people and spent time with friends. I have no idea how to do this and what I can find on the net has been of little help.

Questions, comments? I could use a little help, don't be shy.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Word of the year

I chose trust as my word of the year yet it doesn't seem quite right. I was thinking about allowing people close to take a chance on interacting with the world. It doesn't seem complete. I can't find anything that would help a loner become a socialite. OK that is probably an impossibility nor is it actually a path I want to take.

What is it I'm seeking?
solace, social interaction on a limited basis, what, what, what?

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Glitterland by Alexis Hall I gave it 5 stars here's why

Glitterland by Alexis Hall is supposed to be a queer romance, that is how it is listed but that is not what I took from it.  The passages in this book about depression both the usual kind and bipolar are exquisite. I am willing to bet that the author has intimate familiarity with it or did a hell of a lot of research.

As a suffer of dysthymia, (depression, mild and constant which sometimes slips into the nether world), I am familiar with many of the things he talked about. I was truly blown away when I saw words the described things I only had feelings about.

I suggest you read this and see if you can read about what real mental illness is

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Know Yourself

A study into ways to Fill Your Cup when you are running low.

" You have made mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, and the insight follows. You don't think your way into becoming yourself". - Anne Lamott

Always the action comes first and what you learn from the aftermath of the action is dependent on where your mind is at. If for instance you are deep down in the black of depression you will learn a different lesson than you would have if you were up near the yellow of joy. There are many mind sets within this spectrum but there is one other thing that will determine what lesson you will learn and it has to do with your innermost core, the sum of all that has come before.

We all know that life is an endless cycle and we are hamsters continually covering the same ground throughout our lives. The first time we are disappointed for instance comes early in childhood and we will react to this disappointment in one of three ways. We will shrug it off and say next time I will get what I want, or we will get mad and escalate the behavior, or we will get sad and decide that it didn't work and never would.

As time passes and more disappointments happen we will get into the habit of reacting to it as we did the first time though our mood will determine part of our reaction it is the habit that will become our normal. Once ingrained a habit is very hard to alter even when we become aware of how destructive to our selves we have become.

In our search for discovering ourselves as we are and how we would like to be is a lot of work. Why? Because it means we have to face things, those deeply hidden events that changed our path from where we wanted to be to where we are. Some of us have actually managed to live our perfect lives only to find out that while it fit our definition of perfect in the end it wasn't quite what we wanted, while others will find that the life we have is perfect though we didn't think so until we began our trip to discovery.

I am wanting to learn how I became the person I am. Trust and truth are two areas of interest to me. This year I have determined that I need to find out when and how I became a person who trusts no one even those who have never done me wrong and recover some of it. Why I feel it is safer to be a hermit than to go out and interact with others. I have managed to narrow the possibilities down to a total lack of trust in my fellow man but I still need to find out how and when it began and do my best to regain at least some of it.

Finding out where it began is difficult because I am sure it is tangled up with the abuse I suffered as a child. (as a side note I was told by a lawyer last summer that what I considered abuse is not viewed that way by the law since the perpetrators were within five years of my age at the time of the abuse). Finding out how to get it back is difficult because though I have found a lot of information on learning how to trust again it is mainly geared to relationships not nearly as generalized as mine is.

That just means I have to put my creativity to work on ways to use the suggestions in a more generalized way.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Year 2016

I am not at home nor did I expect to be celebrating New Years by myself @ the Professors but then we figured my father-in-law had a few more years as he was only 70. That aside I can do some of it here.
Selfie Jan 1, 2016
This is what I'm starting with. Under the towel I am salt & pepper, more salt than pepper these days.

Professors' Back Yard
This is the view I see from the Patio door. My Brother-in-law is an avid gardener. Though he prefers a more formal style than I do it is his baby and it is very pretty when it is in bloom

My tasks for today are to:
1) Design one of twelve patches I will be doing this year
2) Take my measurements
3) Begin the first of 30 days of self exploration regarding my trust issues

If I get all three of these things done I will consider it a Super Fantastic day

From My Home to Yours Have a very happy new year!