Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Know Yourself

A study into ways to Fill Your Cup when you are running low.

" You have made mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, and the insight follows. You don't think your way into becoming yourself". - Anne Lamott

Always the action comes first and what you learn from the aftermath of the action is dependent on where your mind is at. If for instance you are deep down in the black of depression you will learn a different lesson than you would have if you were up near the yellow of joy. There are many mind sets within this spectrum but there is one other thing that will determine what lesson you will learn and it has to do with your innermost core, the sum of all that has come before.

We all know that life is an endless cycle and we are hamsters continually covering the same ground throughout our lives. The first time we are disappointed for instance comes early in childhood and we will react to this disappointment in one of three ways. We will shrug it off and say next time I will get what I want, or we will get mad and escalate the behavior, or we will get sad and decide that it didn't work and never would.

As time passes and more disappointments happen we will get into the habit of reacting to it as we did the first time though our mood will determine part of our reaction it is the habit that will become our normal. Once ingrained a habit is very hard to alter even when we become aware of how destructive to our selves we have become.

In our search for discovering ourselves as we are and how we would like to be is a lot of work. Why? Because it means we have to face things, those deeply hidden events that changed our path from where we wanted to be to where we are. Some of us have actually managed to live our perfect lives only to find out that while it fit our definition of perfect in the end it wasn't quite what we wanted, while others will find that the life we have is perfect though we didn't think so until we began our trip to discovery.

I am wanting to learn how I became the person I am. Trust and truth are two areas of interest to me. This year I have determined that I need to find out when and how I became a person who trusts no one even those who have never done me wrong and recover some of it. Why I feel it is safer to be a hermit than to go out and interact with others. I have managed to narrow the possibilities down to a total lack of trust in my fellow man but I still need to find out how and when it began and do my best to regain at least some of it.

Finding out where it began is difficult because I am sure it is tangled up with the abuse I suffered as a child. (as a side note I was told by a lawyer last summer that what I considered abuse is not viewed that way by the law since the perpetrators were within five years of my age at the time of the abuse). Finding out how to get it back is difficult because though I have found a lot of information on learning how to trust again it is mainly geared to relationships not nearly as generalized as mine is.

That just means I have to put my creativity to work on ways to use the suggestions in a more generalized way.

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