Sunday, February 14, 2016

Feb 14

February is seldom a good month for me. It lives up to it's reputation of being the longest 28 days of the year. Save for this one day, others celebrate love and companionship I celebrate the birth of my little sister making me no longer the lone girl in the family.

Sadly somewhere during the years I lost that loving feeling towards my sister though she has only ever been good to me. Offering me a roof when I had none and a helping hand when I needed it.

Mind you I suspect a lot of it was just plain jealousy because she is everything I'm not. Pretty and popular, living the middle class dream, with two kids that actually love her for her and not for what she can do for them.

Today she turns 50 and I would like to apologize and make amends for my behaviour in the past. I would like to spend the rest of our lives as sisters should but I am not sure I am equal to the task.

I do not know why our family is so fractured though I would hazard a guess that it has to do with alcoholism and incest. That my parents allowed all of us to be molested over a period of ten years is difficult enough; my father being a drunk and me following in his footsteps until it began to make me sick was harder still. That I allowed my own weakness to cloud my mind where my sister was concerned is unforgivable but still I hope for forgiveness.

Today she turns 50 and it is time I faced her and told her that I am sorry.

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I am reaching for something but I don't know what it is. I feel tired for no reason I can think of. I want but I do not know what I want. Life must continue but I am so tired of living. The conundrum of my life is that all of these things are true yet I don't care enough or have determinism enough to fight this malaise only endure it.

I used to seldom reach this depth but lately it seems I am always here or near here. Perhaps it is hitting the 55 mark but I am close to half a year at that age and the symptoms just keep increasing. Perhaps it is the death of my father-in-law coming so close after a green Christmas or the Professors reaction to the death of his father. He has become more demanding than ever about me taking care of myself because I am not allowed to die before he does. His words. when his mother passes he will be a basket case and I will not be able to help him.

I am mired in pain and in sadness with lots of ropes around to pull me out but I do not have the strength or energy to reach for even one. I just want to sink in the mud and sleep forever.
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My brain keeps going round and round today. I want to just sit back & relax, enjoy my coffee but my mind keeps going into the past. Perhaps it is that my little sister is turning 50 today maybe for the first time in a long time I am thinking of her as a real person not a paragon of all the virtue I do not have. With everything I lived through and she experienced as well you would think we would be closer but we never have been. It seems odd now that only 5.5 years separate us and yet we have never connected in any meaningful way. Today is the day of love but that doesn't matter I just feel tired and hollow and useless and lots more negative things I can't find the words for. Today would not be a good day to fall asleep and never wake up but oh how tempted I am.
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