Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Motherhood

I am that mother. Never protective, always expecting them to be self-sufficient while I pursue my own life.

I wasn't always, I took care of my kids, keeping them clean, feeding them, making sure they had clothes and whatever else they needed for school. I was the favourite mother on the block just because I didn't try to control them but let them find their own way.  Hugs and kisses abounded and I always told them how much I loved them.

That was until I moved them to Mississauga because of a man and ended up six months later having a complete mental breakdown. I was deep in depression and really could not see that they needed more than I gave them.

It took me years to get myself back as I had to reinvent myself nearly from scratch. My kids suffered but I could not bring myself to care.

Eventually we came back to Peterborough but things were very different. I still did the things a mother is supposed to do, I even provided them with a father figure for a few years, but I was not the girl who had left Peterborough a scant two years before.

When they became teenagers they both got into a bit of trouble, though my daughter less than my son. He ended up spending some time in juvie. When he was 14 and she was 15 we moved to Brampton and I stayed in the Toronto area for a lot of years. They on the other hand came back to Peterborough as soon as they were 16.

I lost touch with both of them for a couple of years and I didn't bother to check on them, they were near my family which meant they would be looked after. It didn't work out that way but that was my belief.

I lost nearly complete touch with my son until his daughter was born. I was present in her life off and on but not nearly as much as I wanted to be because I never knew where he lived, he never called. When he did come to me it was because he needed help and after his probation ended he was gone again. He expected me to keep track of him, to call him weekly like some other mothers do, that is not me and I guess that makes him angry but again I don't care.

My daughter is the same but different. She was a single mom like me and we bonded over that. She or her daughter stop by a couple of times a month to check on me. Its different, when her daughter was born I was in the delivery room, I was there for both her sons too. I know where she is and we talk often, she calls me. But she has her life and I have mine and she does not expect me to be the perfect mother. Plus if I tell her No she might get angry but she doesn't disappear into it.

I don't think I'm a bad mother but I'm over 55 and I want to live my life not look after them!

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