Saturday, March 31, 2012

31/03/2012

Last Day of March and it does seem to be leaving peacefully if a bit chilly. It is a grey Saturday. After being up until 6ish this morning the Professor woke me at 9:30 AM to let me know he would be neck deep in server today so it would be  best if I didn't disturb him, frankly I think he called because he wanted someone to talk to about what he would be doing. He seeks little reassurances like that sometimes plus it helps him clarify the steps he needs to take.

March has been a fairly busy month. Kinda, Sorta. I did spend an aweful lot of money and time on Facebook. March started with a snow storm but the days kept getting milder and milder until we had a nearly summer day then it turned cold again. I've seen pussy willows and heard the geese but I haven't seen a Robin here yet, that will come.

I had a week or so of really harsh acid reflux  so when I went to see the doctor for my three month check up he arranged a blood test and then a gastophy, basically they went inside my stomach and took a look around as well as a small slice for a biopsy. The biopsy came back negative. I have had some concerns about diabetes and asked for gluclose testing as well but basically the doctor ignored that I think.

I was in a really deep depression during those first couple of weeks. After I scared myself about the diabetes I began to look into various diets. I want to elimanate as many refined sugars and starches as I can. I also figured out that both alcohol and ice cream are off my food list forever because of what they do to my stomach. I have been looking in paticular at the exchange diet used by diabetics as that is the one I was on when I lost that 30 lbs in my late 30's

The last thing the doctor told me was that it was time and past time to start getting some counselling. That set off a couple of weeks of trying to find and get on the wait list of some psychiatrists. I have managed this but I also found that chronic re-occuring depression is not considered a serious mental illness unless it is coupled with tons of meds, suicide attempts and hospitalizations. Nice to know I'm on the mild end but I could have used a more compassionate hearing. One other thing I did find out is that there is actually a walk in mental counselling place in town that is covered by OHIP, talk about a one stop shop. Hamilton has everything Peterborough lacked without the hustle and bustle of Toronto.

Mid-month I had an awful fight with my daugter but a few days ago we were talking like it was old times. She did suggest I find a local doctor and the person from the mental health association concurred and gave me the information I needed to find one, she also suggested the Wharton Medical Clinic for help with my weight issues. That is also covered by OHIP. I am now waiting to hear from the Mac Family Clinic.

I am once again going to try to blog every day emphasis on the try part. April is shaping up to be a reasonably busy month. On the 6th I am supposed to be in Peterborough to babysit for my daughter. I say supposed to because it all depends on how the exchange server transfer goes for the Professor. I am waiting for an appointment with a local Doctor. The first appointment will be fairly simple. What do they need from me vs what I need from them. The second one will be a bit more complicated than that. In the first one I will aquaint her with my medical history and the list of referrals I need. The second one will be a Physical because I haven't had one in a couple of years..

Once the doctor and I meet the first time I hope to have referrals for the Wharton Medical Clinic which specializes in obesity, one for a psychiatric evaluation and on for a sleep test because the anesthetist from the stomach exam said I should get one as I was snoring during the procedure. I didn't used to snore badly but it seems I do now. If they all get booked in good order I will see them and my physical done by the end of April and be ready for the next step which involves actually follwing the guidelines set up by the various Professionals.

Also in April I am hoping to begin walking again and maybe even make a start on the 100-200-100 challenge. I was considering getting a plot in the Community Garden across the street but I do not think I will have the time this year. For reading I'll be starting the Hunger Games tomorrow. I should be done the fifth Game of Thrones book today. 

Entertainment wise, I mean to finish the first How to Draw  book, Watch 20 movies on NetFlix and complete one game on IWIN. I figure that is possible because I won't be going back to facebook games except maybe the new Slingo

I have several journals on the go I will finish 30 pages this month for them, its not like I lack inspiration, it is all around me. As an added bonus I will complete one of the knitted toys in my collection this month, the shawl that is on my loom and the pillow case. I intend not to be idle in April for any length of time and to cut my time on the computer by half though given how much work I need to do to finish the ebook database I'm working on that last may not be possible .

Friday, March 30, 2012

30/03/2012

Friday again, what is it about Friday that lets me get up early and actually get some work done. I hope I figure it out, cause I could use this kind of get up and go during the rest of the week. Though I know myself well enough to know that I need to not get involved with anything that captures my interest like the database I've been working on for e-books.

I am a great collector of books, when I got my inheritance there was only one thing I wanted for me and that was a e-book reader, what I ended up with is a tablet from Kobo and I am loving it. But I have this huge collection of books that I have gathered over the years most of which are in text (txt) format and that just doesn't work well. Right now I am converting the ones I already have in the library into EPUB from the TXT format so that they become more readable and prettier to look at. That may seem silly but it is my intention to read all of them before I leave this planet.

This is one of the things I use when the urge to die comes, thankfully that doesn't happen as often as it used to and the black mood that goes along with it does not last as long as it used to.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

29/03/2012

I seem to be having a hard time keeping it together today. I need to take the paperwork up to the Clinic but can't seem to do it. I got dressed, I made sure I had all the papers I needed, I even took out a sweater and socks since it's turned cold again but I can't seem to go any further. The sweater aqnd socks are sitting on my bed and I am siting in fromt of this computer. I am looking at my keyboard and still hitting the wrong letters. All I really want to do is go back to bed.

The skies are grayish white & the air is cold. My eyes hurt and so does my head yet there seems to be no cause for either. I am not hungry and I haven't even had the energy to take my meds today. I had one thing to do today just one and it will most likely remain undone. The mouse keeps moving the cursor I swear. Twice now I've had to fix what I'm writing because the cursor has moved from the end of the line it's on to the middle of one higer up. Myabe next time it happens I won't bother to fix irt. I get so tired of fixing the mistakes as I go along but it is hard for me to send out something that is less than perfect. Yeah I am a perfectionist when I care enough about the project, if I don't my work can be very very shoddy. 

So tired, I am sitting here and my eyes feel heavy, soon I will be closing my eyes ro f rest them and end up sleeping sitting uop. I've done that a couple of times now. I need to take my medication, I want to read, I have projects I would like to work on and all I can think of is will I get to my 750 words before I say f... it and go lie down. Even two cups of coffee hasn't helped today.

It is I am so tired. I am going to take my meds and go back to bed

Monday, March 26, 2012

26/03/2012 & 27/03/2012

Colour me frustrated beyong beleif! Am I mentally ill or not? That is the question of the day.

I wrote those words above when I got back from my outing at the Mental Health Association. Because I do not have a Medical history that includes lots of medications, hospital stays or suicide attempts and because the last time I saw a Psychiatrist was when I was 25 or so I am not deemed eligible for their program. I was only diagnosed with Depression ongoing since I was 13 at that meeting but because it was so long ago it doesn't count.

I have seen another psychiatrist since then in my 30's and I have gone to several community counsellors, the most recent though is still three years back or so. Though that one turned out to be a complete bust because she was more interested in my weight issues than the emotions behind them. I forgot to mention that to her yesterday, I hate how my mind hides things that could help until it is too late for them to be of any real use. The first one is the one I remember because she took my journal and didn't give it back and because it was because of a severe break down.

I keep wanting to correct my writing as I go so that it sounds more normal but I think I;m going to have to stop   that cause it really isn't helping me figure out my own mind. I am still enacting an appearance of normality, same as I have done my whole life, even though how other people viewed life is by no means the way I did. At least that is how I feel. I was always looking and watchin so I could act like the other kids. As much as possible I wore the same clothes and learned  to speak and fit in, all the while keeping myself apart. I used to feel I lived behind a glass wall. I could see and hear the rest of the world and they could see and hear me but we could never really touch or connect.

I used to be good at fitting in but these days I am and mostly prefer to be by myself, for one thing it's safer. I can't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me. And I do not have to pretend I like someone or something just because the person I'm with does. I actually feel even more out of place now that I have reached middle age. I have grand-children but they range in age from 13 to not yet born. I have children but they are not exactly pillars of the community. I have two ex-husbands both of whom I still care about but neither of whom I feel like living with. I have people who say they are my friends, and I suppose thry are to a certain extent but there is no one I can really talk to or go out with or vent with. Their lives are totally different from mine which I suppose is a good thing but it just makes me uncomfortable around them because I feel we have little in common.

I have other friends who like me because I'm funny, cute but funny. I don't like that it's as if I am here to entertain them and that is just not right. I mean I become a laughing stock so what's in it for me. I'm sure they don't mean it that way but that is how I react to it. Same as if someone is nice to me, my first thought is always the same, "What do they want from me?"

Trust, I don't trust anyone, not even myself most of the time. I certainly don't like myself much. There are days like today that I wish I could drink myself into oblivian like I used to. Or find some guy to fuck. Thats another thing...partly why I am so lost is because somehow over the last couple of year I have lost my libido. Since that was the thing that defined me since I was eleven it makes things a bit complicated as I am 50 and in the process of redefining myself

Sunday, March 25, 2012

25/03/2012

Well it's official I have to give up all alcohol including my beloved Frangelico. Two nights in a row I had a hot toddy before bed and this morning I woke up with a headache and a very upset tummy, Yesterday it was just a bit of indigestion today it has graduated to acid reflux. I have one last drink in the bottle which I have decided I will have tonight before I sleep and then one more vice will be gone for good.

Beyond that I haven't much to say right now, 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 192- 101 in 1001

I have a few things to update but I've been having some health issues and have gotten distracted by another project.

I went to a new all you can eat Japanese restauraunt with the Professor while I was in Toronto in February. The food was so so but the service was great. At least the portions were a reasonable size

I have completed another 20 pages in a journal which I need to send out. Which I will do when I have completed another 5 pages or so, and when I can find the money tp send it to mexico

I have read a number of ebooks but since that doesn't clear my shelves they don't count

I have lost a little bit of weight and have managed to stop biting my nails as much as I used to but I still have a long way to go

I have been thinking about the songs that I would have to have on my personal playlist and have begun to collect them, Still have a long way to go.

Ditto the things I like about myself. I did finish that but I am not sure where I put it so I need to redo it. I wonder how many pages tou can have on a blog. I am thinking I would like to put the poetry I have written & other things on their own pages, probably not possible but I'm going to look into it.

 

I think that is all for now. Just a bit over 6 months since I started this new list. I'm not doing too bad when you consider I have about 27 months left to go.

 

 

 

Kindness 101



And this in my opinion is what needs to be changed. If you don't care or are glad the other persons problems are not your own then I need to know... whatever happened to love your neighbour and helping your fellow humans.



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Thursday, March 22, 2012

22/03/2012

I thought I had been away longer than a week and I was all set to make this big apology. Time is strange right now, the months go fast while the days go slow. I can hardly believe that we are headed into the second quarter of the year already. Taxes are due in a month and 9 days and I haven't even begun yet. I have the paperwork I just have to get it to the Professor along with a blank cheque so all those rebates will go into my bank account and not to his house. I don't really like depending on him to get them in the bank in a reasonable amount of time.

I have struggled with the decision but I think I would prefer if they went into my personal account that way he can't appropriate it by accident. I trust him with my life but I don't trust him with my money. All too often he treats it as if it were his own which can leave me in a bit of a pickle as you can well imagine. On the upside at least I know with him controlling things I will have some money put away for retirement. The Canadian Pension Plan is headed to dissolution and that means stragglers of the baby boom like me are likely to get shafted come 65. It is worse for my kids of course and for their kids by the time they reach old age there will most likely be nothing left.

I seem to be fixated on money today. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I am having to change my eating habits big time. In truth headed back to my childhood where vegetables we grew ourselves and the odd rabbit or partridge we caught were our diet. It is probably the healthiest way to live though perhaps the pasta and rice were not that great for us, they are probably the only things that kept us from starving some years. The problem is that to live that way can be expensive especially in the cold months.

I have no way to put food by like my mom did except for in the freezer and I have a very small freezer. I could can some stuff and dedicate a shelf to it but that requires a proper kitchen and I don't have one. I have the basics, a one burner induction stove (cooks using magnetism), a toaster oven which can bake anything up to the size of four slices of bread but is not meant for hours of baking (its timer tops out at 30 min), And finally a medium sized microwave. Though I suppose if I wanted to I could cook a lot of things in a microwave that you normally do on a stove. I even saw someplace that you can use it to sterilize the mason jars used in canning though I'm not sure how it would do making brine and preparing fruits and vegetables for the jars.

Using the microwave might be worth pursuing as there are a lot of U-pick farms in the area where I could get fruits and vegetables for less than you would pay retail as long as you are willing to put in the time to pick, clean and peel as needed. I have nothing but time these days.

Whoops, Got thinking about St Joes and the fact that they haven't gotten back to me so I decided to attack from a different angle specifically the Mental Health Association in town. I got two numbers from her and a renewal of hope that I can do what the doctor told me to do. Now if I could just get the exercise part in place I would be all set. Its not like I don't have the resources its just that the reasons are not important enough to make me actually do it. I have books, CDs, ebooks, videos, podcasts and tons of other resources including a band, a ball and a pair of cuff weights though I gave my barbells away to my friend.

I live in a place where walking is a joy as you are either going up the mountain or down it, there are walking paths all over the place. There is an outdoor pool, a track, a ball diamond and tennis courts just across the road and a block away is a yoga centre. Downtown there is a YMCA and a dance studio. Everything a fitness fan could possibly want and yet I sit here in my room in front of this computer thinking instead of doing.

Everything I've read and everyone I've spoken to about it says "Just do it" but how do you just "do it". I suppose it is a simple as making an unbreakable appointment for yourself. I could do that, but again I have no real incentive. Sure my body is failing and my heart could just give out or I could die of aphixiation in my sleep should the snoring be of that type yet here I sit.

It doesn't feel urgent though I know I am quickly running out of time, when I was 50 the doctor told me that if I didn't get it under control I would die by the time I was 55. Now I'm not calling him a liar in fact I'm sure he is quite correct yet it doesn't matter enough for me to make the change. Perhaps he is right perhaps I am bent on suicide though goodness knows this is a long drawn out way of doing it. Starvation would be faster but I do like to eat so that really isn't an option for me. Even fasting for a 24 hours is difficult for me, I can barely last 12 hours, and I wouldn't have done it then if I hadn't needed to have an empty stomach for the gastrophy and empty bowels for the other one.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

15/03/2012

Half the month gone again and I am still in the same place, maybe even a little worse off than when the month began. Between the headache and vomiting in the of the night it was a rough night. The headache did go away after I ate properly but man, waking up at six in the morning to puke is not fun. My throat is still sore from the force of it. I guess it is an object lesson 1) do not eat after 8pm my body doesn't like it and 2) Sauce n cake's are off limits from now on, between the white cake and the sweet caramel sauce I'm not sure which is worse for my stomach but I know something is..

I have 15 days to get all my ducks in a row. Movement, diet and relaxation all must be planned and the necessary lists prepared. Then I have to do it. That is the hard part but with the spring coming it will not be too bad. Too much planning not enough action that's me. The reason I have chosen April 1st is because persauding myself to go outside to walk will not be as hard as it would be if there was snow on the ground. Also it is the beginning of the second quarter which means I still have nine months to lose the first thirty odd pounds. If I can carry a baby that long then I can work that long to get a healthier body and if the gods are willing a sounder mind as well. I am waiting to hear back from the intake officer at St Joes once that is done I will get three months of therapy at least on the OHIP system.

Every time I start thinking about therapy my head aches even more. I guess there are things in there I want to keep hidden. It is too late, at least that is what my inner critic would have me beleive. I am too old to change and why should I want to any way. The truth is I am not really happy in this self induced hermitage. I miss talking to people besides the Professor. I miss sitting with my friends over a coffee and discussing the chldren (grandchildren now), I miss laughter and music. I even miss church a little. I did not set out to be alone. I had plans for my retirement but between the fibro and the depression none of then have even begun to become true. I was going to have fun but for the past few years all I have done is sit in front of this computer and played games. I have friends here who have not seen me since I came last summer. There are three parks in this city that hold all kinds of events and I have not been to even one. The Royal Botanical Gardens are just a short bus ride away and I haven't been there yet even though it was one of the main reasons I came last summer.

I live between a lake and a mountain, you would think that with such a variety of terrain my inner explorer would be anxious to get out and check it out. Even my camera only took maybe a hundred photos in the past 12 months when I ussually take a thousand or more. I know the truth of these words and yet... here I sit playing games and complaining. I blame the fibro or I blame the depression or I blame the weather but the truth is the only one to blame is me. Well my inner safety monitor any way. I hear it in my head nearly everytime I think about going out for a walk. "It isn't safe out there, stay here where nothing can hurt you".

The problem of course is that I am hurting myself in a number of ways. Cutting myself off from the rest of the human race is not a good thing. My mind and my body get weaker and weaker the longer I sit in front of this computer. I haven't even picked up my knitting needles except when I am at the Professors and that was only because he expects me to. I am obviously not getting enough Vitamin D nor am I feeding my soul in any way. Games can not fill the mind the way new sights and sounds can.

I go to bed late and I get up late. When I sleep it is usually four hours asleep, then 30 to 60 minutes minimum before I go back to sleep for another four hours. I wake up to go to the bathroom or like last night to get sick or sometimes it's my restless legs that wake me up. I hardly dream and when I do they are usually nightmares.

There was more I wanted to say but for now it is gone. I got side-tracked with my phone checking out the settings and stuff because I haven't heard it ring in awhile. Turns out I had that disabled for some reason. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

14/03/2012

Barely controlled anger, strong irritation what ever it is it is making me snappish and inclined to violence. OK not the kind of mayhem you are probably imagining, irritation is not new but I have seldom felt it this strong before. My poor cat if I were not still in control it is possible he could get hurt. When I put him on the floor out of my way I do it with more strength than I should. It is more of a drop from a foot than the way I used to place him on the floor or the bed. I have been swatting him to get him out of my way instead of just stopping him. It isn't a hard swat but it is a swat just the same.

I called the Professor to come get him because of the anger I feel building up inside me and since he is inclined to question me on every little thing instead of just doing what I want him to do I ended up hanging up. Oh I gave the proper curtosies but I could hear my voice they came out hard and cold. I don't know if it is because the psych intake office called me this morning or it is lack of sleep or this constant ache in my head amd left shoulder but whatever it is I feel out of control. I do not like to feel out of control. My self control is all that stands between me and a mess. I feel like if I let go I will destroy myself and anyone who happens to be near me. I fear the violence I know is deep inside me. Only these days it doesn't feel so deep, it seems closer to the surface than it has been in a very long time.

I am afraid, sadly I am afraid of what I may be capable of than I am of anything else. Someone I knew once said that the only person I have ever harmed was myself. I accept that this is true, all my anger has been turned on myself, it is safer. My brothers put people in the hospital when they allowed their anger to run free. The last time I did I threw a woman half again my size out of my home and busted a finger on her face. The time before that I pitched a man out of my door. He wasn't much bigger than me but still I pushed him hard enough that he went a good two feet before he got his balance back.

It was a long time ago and before I learned complete control. At least towards the outside world. To my body I did all the damage I could afford with alcohol and cigarettes and sex. Thankfully I never got into the drug scene or I would have overdosed on them the way I overdosed on painkillers. Codine was such a good number but these days it only increases the pain not make it go away. Even alcohol doesn't do it for me, it makes me sick for days even after just one drink.

Sex well a couple of years ago you couldn't have convinced my no matter how you tried that it would ever turn into a once every six months kind of thing instead of a daily need. I figure I have the anti-depressants to thank for freeing my mind of that addiction. And no I don't smoke any more either. The Professor made me give it up because in his words, "I don't want to kiss an ashtray". Talk about your sweet talk.

I am wondering if the generic Welbutin just wasn't doing its job properly. I have taken three of the name brand ones and while I still have the shakes I have also noted the quick erosion of my self control. Though that might be the combination of the anacid and the pure welbutin as I have been taking them both for the same amount of time.

I haven't taken them yet this morning I should do that. My eyes are stinging and they have been tearing up for the last couple of days. I don't allow myself to cry unless I want someone to hear me and come comfort me. Crying doesn't solve the problem but like most things there are rules. My eyes leak sometimes because the tear ducts have to drain the excess  once in awhile. Silent crying they call it and I am a past master unless like I said before I want someone to hear and come to comfort me. The Professor got wise to it after awhile and stopped coming, I suppose that is when I gave up crying except from extreme pain or sadness. The last time I cried even for a little was at my dad's funeral and I went off by myself so no one would see me.

I need to take my meds and maybe today I will allow myself a nap. I didn't yesterday and I am wondering it that is what triggered the anger. Whatever it was writing has calmed me a bit so I best get back to my day.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

13/03/2012

My eyes keep tearing up. I am not sure if the pink eye is back or if it is because of the headache. It's a hell of a choice add a headache to my already full body of pain or suffer from acid reflux and heartburn in the middle of the night. What is worse is that the pain killers do not seem to be making a dent in it nor drinking water to hydrate my brain. Not even caffine is helping. I do not know what to do, well actually I do I need to choose, the problem is I don't want to have to.

Tired today but I think that is an effect of dealing with the headache since yesterday afternoon. I did manage to get a couple of more pages in the journal done though including a pop art one that I think may turn out to be kinda cool when it is done. I couldn't afford ink so I use liquid watercolor, it actually did a half way decent job. After I get done here I will work on it a little more. The original that I am copying had rings and drips like someone put a coffee mug on it but I am not sure I want to do that, as it is despite putting a kleenex between the pages some of the watercolor seeped through the page. Not badly but enough to be noticeable but definitly there.

I also want to tackle the oil pastel landscape, the crayon landscape and the white on black page. Though I am still not sure how I will do that last. Obviously crayon is out. I do have some black watercolor that might work for the background but I was thinking about paint. I suppose I could mix it with Gesso as long as I make sure I saturate it so that it comes out black not gray. If I mix a bit more blue into it I may even be able to get the blue black I see in my mind. For the white I have several options. Gesso of course though I'm not sure how good it is for fine work mostly I use it as an extra layer between the paper and the paint or what ever I'm using. I also have a white crayon, paint pen, correction pen, water soluable crayon, pencil crayon or gel pen I can use to do the white part once the black is dry. Depends on what kind of image I intend to use for that part. If it requires fine lines then I need to go with one of the pens, if I want it a bit messier or broader lines then I need to use one of the crayons. I am still working that out in my head. The image I was thinking about is an Erte and the lines are fine and made up of dots. If I go with that style the corrector pen or the paint pen will be ideal.

WTF, I get the headache to fade a bit and then I start feeling pain in my left shoulder joint where the arm joins the chest. I can't win for losing today I swear. The day outside is beautiful but in here I hurt too much to really enjoy it. I would love to go out and walk a bit but the idea of getting dressed just seems like way too much work right now.

I am whining a lot today but that is part of what this chronicle is about, to track my days, the good ones and the bad ones. I wonder if the grammer police would turn one of these into a solid mass of red. I really need to relearn the rules of the comma because I am absolutly certain I am not using them right. Not to mention all the other grammer mistakes I make. It has been a long time since I really cared if I actually was spelling things right or how readable my writing is. I suppose though if I want to publish a short story or three I need to get the grammer amd spelling right. Unless I could make the mistakes part of my "voice". LOL my "voice" sounds like the country bumpkin I was born, a red-neck maybe, a hillbilly almost certainly. I was born in a different time. It feels more like a hundred years ago instead of nearly 52. 

When I think that until I went to school I had no real idea of what indoor plumbing was nor why any one would put a bathroom inside it makes me laugh. :) Yep, I was born in 1960, and I lived in a shack without plumbing or electricity. It seems incredible now but the only toilet we had at home was an outhouse until I was 16. Baths were taken in a big aluminum tub or at the beach. And light was supplied by lanterns, the kind that run on propane or oil. Heat was a big wood stove.

Not long after we moved into our first modern house the furnace blew up and rather than get it fixed my dad just put a box stove in the living room to provide heat. Though mom did get to cook on an electric stove and we had electric lights and indoor plumbing. I guess it was hard for him to give up what he was used to. I don't think he ever even figured out the VCR let alone anything else electronic beyond the radio and maybe the TV.

Sadly we also never really knew what to do with a shower though we did bathe once in awhile. I was just thinking that in the 30 years Dad lived there I don't think the toilet bowl got cleaned even once and for the first couple of years we kept forgetting to flush the toilet. The bathroom was in a real sorry state when we sold the house. I blame the fact that I don't shower nearly as often as I should on those 15 years without a shower to learn on. LOL isn't that a sorry state of affairs. Oh well I am who I am, the fact that reaching over my head or behind me actually hurts now doesn't help much. It just makes me even more reluctant to shower. Thankfully I don't eat a lot of spicy foods or drink so I don't smell really rank just a little sweaty. LOL I know more info than you needed. Shrug...I am at 1100 words so I think I will stop for today. I didn't realize I had that much to say.

Monday, March 12, 2012

12/03/2012

I am here and unharmed except for a rather sore jaw. Still trying to figure that out. Well I know why people like anesthetic, :) for the first time in years I was actually pain free for a few hours. It felt so good!. I wish I could get something like that for regular use. Not really cause I paid for it afterwards. The next day I had a flare up. My whole left side and half my right decided that three hours of no pain needed 10 hours of extreme pain. Some days I hate this body. 

I am back in Hamilton today, I got back yesterday. To say I have a lot to do would be an under statement. One of the reasons I am here today is to try and put everything into some kind of order.

One I need to go to the drug store and get my welbutin. That will take awhile because my drug card is in Toronto and they will need to get it faxed to them. While I am there I need to fax  a referral to the local mental hospital to get on the list for a psychiatrist. After I get my meds or if it will take more than half an hour to get the card I need to go to the Ontario Works building and drop off the change of address and the rent increase. It's ridiculous that Warner needs to come here to pick up $10 each month.

When I get back I have to finish the Mandala and some more pages in the journal so I can get them mailed out. I also need to get a menu of some sort made and go grocery shopping. It is nearly the middle of the month and my grocery money is still in the bank, mainly because I haven't been home, so I haven't needed to get groceries.

Then of course I have to go buy the groceries and get them back home. There is something else, oh yeah, according to the anesthetist I need to arrange a sleep study because I was snoring during the procedure. That means I got to call my Dr. I've been snoring for years and I'm still here so I don't think I'm in any great danger at the moment. 

Today's exercise is supposed to be dancing but I am not sure when I'll get to that. If I do enough walking maybe I won't need to do the dancing as well.

Damn cat had me up around 8:30 this morning. I guess that's because that is what time the Professor gets up. I am no where near my 750 words but as you can see above I have a lot to do today, I have been without the Welbutin for two days and although I don't see any major issues I'd really rather not take chances. Besides the sooner I get things done the sooner I can justify playing my game. :)

Food wise I have a porkchop I cooked last night and some veggies in the fridge which will be my breakfast and lunch. For dinner I am planning to use the chicken breast I have in the freezer. After that though I am out of meat except tuna. All that will be left in the freezer is some mixed vegetables and half a bag of french fries. I hadn't realized that I had gotten that low. I still have the bean soup mix as well as a can of kidney beans and two big cans of chickpeas so I do have other protein sources. My goal is to empty my fridge freezer and shelf space before I go shopping for anything besides milk and I'm not sure I'll even buy that though it is a necessary thing for older females like me to help keep those bone diseases from taking over.

I feel tired and I am debating if I want to go out at 10 or stay in. I need to go get the Welbutin. I just have to keep reminding myself of that

 

1:40 pm update. I accomplished the first set. Now I need a nap. Afterwards I will work on the Mandal & the Journal

Friday, March 9, 2012

09/03/2012

In a little over two hours I will be getting my stomach looked at. I hope if they find anything it is just a small ulcer. If it is anything else I do not know how I will react. Probably be even more depressed than I already am. I am afraid of Cancer the same as I am afraid of Demensia because both are prevelant in my families history on my fathers side. I do not know much about mom's side of the family other than alcoholism and pedofilia. Illnesses of the mind more than illnesses of the body. 

I am nervous  because the doctor said there was some danger involved in the OHIP covered procedure but since I don't really have much money to spare I am grateful that it is covered otherwise this part would cost me $100CND and the medication for afterwards over $200CND. Since all I see each month is $225 and I have no savings I would be in deep dod doo save for OHIP. 

I am focusing on the cost because that keeps my mind away from the fact that 2/3 of a bottle of Frangelico plus months of stress may have put me in the running for one of those poop bags through god willing not now. I do not know the correct terminology I just remember seeing one a long time ago. The thing they used on dad looked more like a small vacuum bag. In my youth it was similar to the cathtar bag but connected higher up through a hole in the torso.

I will not think about that, I am nervous enough without worrying about all the what ifs beyond the test to the results. I am not sure how long I'll have to wait for an answer hopefully today though before I leave the clinic.

I need to do something to distract myself. Farmville here I come

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

07/03/2012

I'm pissed! For months I have had no bleeding then yesterday out of the blue I have the beginnings of a period. It is still with me today and by the feeling in my gut it has only begun. I was so certain it was gone finally gone, guess I should have known better. I may well be 60 before it stops for good. Though gods willing much sooner than that. Its messy & painful and in my case absolutly useless. I haven't been able to get pregnant since I was 21. A doctor cut and burned my tubes because I asked him to. I was a sex addict even then and I was fed up with worrying each month if my period was going to be late. Yes I had access to birth control but I could never remember to take them. Also I knew absolutly nothing about condoms. Back then I was quite naive also it was 1981. You know in the time before the world went crazy. Or is that just me. Irregardless when I think of the changes I have witnessed in my life, the world has changed and not for the better IMO.

Oh I'm only 50ish so perhaps I haven't seen as many changes as the ones born in the early 1900 but still the world has changed. When my mother was hurt they held a community benefit for her to help pay the bills I do not think my neighbors would do that for me now. Most of them don't even know who I am. In my building I live among the working poor and though I know most of them by sight I do not socialize with them. When I lived on the welfare floor we all knew each other and talked to each other. We also shared among ourselves. 

I think the higher up the food chain you get the less likely you are to know your neighbours or share with them. Here in the Professors house in the middle class neighbourhood I am not known by anyone except the neighbours to the right and the left. Even when I lived here full time this was so. I've lived in apartment buildings where that was true as well though since you share a commom laundry room sometimes you could make friends and talk to your neighbours when you were doing laundry.

Its a far cry from the village I grew up in. My father knew everyone and I knew most of their children even the ones older than me. But that was 1960-1979, after that I moved to the big city and learned what it was like to not know anyone and just how hard it is to talk to people who don't know you. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my home village but I know it would not be the same. It has grown from about 1000 people to nearly 5000 and taken on many of the characteristics of the city. In fact I think it has been amalgamated into Peterborough or at least we still have a reeve but no other kind of goverment. It is all handled by Peterborough.

We even have a library now and a police station, something I never expected to see in my life time. Yes it is still home. I still dream of returning there and living in the village where my fathers family lived for over 100 years. My cousin J is the only one still there as far as I know though there may be others and her last name isn't Marois any more.

I mentioned yesterday that I dream of finishing my days on our family land. J is the cousin who holds it. S sold the other plot and went into the bush with her new husband. I haven't heard anything about her for a long time now. I hope she found what she was looking for when she moved out of our home village and into her husbands.

I wonder if she finally found happiness. I hope so she deserved a little after 30 plus years of taking care of her mother.

Duty we call that but I failed in mine. Instead of taking my place as my fathers caretaker I left it to my brother and his wife. I did not think I could be responsible enough and so did my father. Strangely I probably would have done a better job than the other brother did but not nearly as well as my big little brother and his wife. The other brother destoyed our trust with one needless act of vengence. I still do not understand why he would steal so much money from a poor man living in a rest home. By my count he stole nearly 20,000 dollars from our father before his signing rights to dad's account were revoked.

When I last spoke with him he seemed to blame dad for moms death as well as many other things. I know the truth of it but I will not talk to him ever again unless I am placed in a situation where I have absolutly no choice. I am ashamed to name him brother. And I am saddened by his wilful blindness to reality.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

06/03/2012

I messed up I think but as long as I get the stuff today it will be OK I don't have to take it until Thursday. It was dumb, I should have read the instructions but instead I dropped it into my purse and forgot about it. I guess being healthy is not as much of a priority as I thought it was. Bugger it all... I'll get to the pharmacy today and pray that it will be OK. I am not even sure if I should take the HP Pak now but I still have to get it. Dr Cohen is probably not going to be too happy with me but ...

I have no one to blame except myself, it's probably a good thing I read the paperwork today. I could have gotten there and had to rebook for next week because I messed up and didn't follow procedure. Thankfully my bowels have been working well for the last little while though I still get the odd bout of diarrhea. I have been reading the book The Wheat Belly. It was one of the first books I bought when I got my kobo because my doctor had recommended I lose wheat from my diet and I wanted to know why. It has taught me a lot about how wheat works on the body, in fact most glutin containing products are not good for you but the substitutes aren't great either. 

All starched kick start the insulin reaction that turns everything you eat into fat which ... you guessed it turns to belly fat...

That secret formula that helps you get a flat tummy comes down to stop eating wheat based foods and eat more fruit, vegetables and meats. It sounds like a simple formula but it isn't. Have you ever looked at the list of ingredients on your favorite quick food. Wheat and other starches are usually right there usually near the top. Why? Because starches are used to thicken everything from cream soups to spaghetti sauce. Even canned vegetables sometimes have a starch thickener so the vegetable doesn't bounce around too much.

OK so I'm not an expert and I am extrapolating from what I've read having not done any of the research myself as of yet but I'm willing to bet that I am 90% right. I do not beleive everything I read but I have seen the same information come from the Food Board, my dr and several web sites and books. Since I am morbidly obese these things interest me. Anything that will reduce the poundage without too much effort on my part is a bonus because for every extra pound I am carrying there is a disease or condition that could make my life a living hell.

The list of diseases and contions that obesity contributes to is longer than the list of things not affected by it yet here I sit. I know the words, I know the causes, I even know the cures but still I sit here and let the pounds continue to pile up. I was reading about a problem similar to h pyloria that can actually cause you to starve because it prevents your body from absorbing important nutrients once it gets into your blood stream. Its called Celeric?sp disease and what it is is a wheat allergy that can kill you if untreated. It got me to wondering what the H pyloria is doing to my body now that it is in the blood stream

I need to go to the pharmacy this morning but when I come back I think I will look into that a bit more. Since writing helps me think I will share what I find

Monday, March 5, 2012

05/03/2012

I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until my energy comes back. It would be even better if the pain went away at the same time. Not going to happen but I can wish. The only way that will happen is when I go to my final rest and apperances aside I am really not in that much of a hurry for that. I just , mom would say I've lost my gumption and dad would say my get up and go got up and went and they would be both right. Nothing matters to me enough. I do what I need to do to live one more day and thats it. Taking life one day at a time is all well and good but there has to be some perceptible future to keep you going. What is mine? I picture a little house on the hill above our family homestead with a porch. I see a rocking chair and I see me knitting while sitting in the sun. That is how I want to end my day. There are a lot of things I would need to do first beginning with getting my cousins permission to build on the hill (she holds the family land as her mother did before her). Her mother let my dad do it but I do not know if she would let me. After I have that permission I have to go to the municipal office and get permission to build and to find out what the building must have to be legal. Then I would have to buy the plans for the house and get someone to build it and wire it and put in the plumbing. All of this before I could even begin to live there and a hell of a lot of money besides. Its like the dream of the fibro disappearing so I can go back to walking and exploring like I used to it's not in the cards for me. 

I miss what I used to be but not enough to try and recaqpture it. It is just more work than I feel capable of doing. The dr would say that is probably because of the mental issues I haven't dealt with, the ones that I am not  or haven't dealt with. I am sure that behind those locked doors in my brain are a lot of things that I must bring forth and face but I so don't want to do that. That is not quite true, I am afraid to do that even though I know if I don't I will never join human society again. I will die as I have lived for the last five years alone and empty. Now theres a word for you, empty-without content, that is me no content and a very minimal context. My ability to interact with my fellow humans has all but deserted me. The only one I talk to is the professor and even then I do more listening than talking.

I was thinking earlier that there was a time when I wouldn't where the same clothes two days in a row yet now I find myself wearing the same thing for days and days. To date I think I have worn the same thing for 10 days at the most and three at the least. It is just one more indicator that I have slipped off the path of "normal" behaviour onto a path I do not know. Sadly I think it is the path I associate with the homeless, sometimes I feel I am homeless. I won't return to Peterborough, I can't return to the professors home in Scarborough and I live in a rooming house by definition a place that transients usually live in.

Given that I suppose it isn't too surprising that I feel homeless and adrift. I keep thinking I'm going to have to pack up and move on soon though god willing not for several years. Where would I go. When I started this trip I thought I would spend a year in each province until I reached BC and settle there but that was before the fibro was confirmed and I had my first real flare up. Now I feel it is enough to wake up each morning even if it does mean a day of pain, moving house is not something I even want to contemplate.

The professor will be calling soon and I have reached the 750 word mark. I am going to grap my tablet and my glasses and read awhile while I wait for him to call

Saturday, March 3, 2012

03/03/2012

I finally found a case for my Kobo Vox, it isn't pretty but it is waterproof and will help keep the glass from getting scratched which is all I want right now. That it cost less than half what they were charging fo a cardboard case at Chapters just makes it sweeter. I am still at the professors, since I have to go for the scope and biopsy this coming Friday it really didn't make sense for him to take me home and bring me back when I would only be there for four or five days.

Especially since he really hates driving. It gives him too much time to think and he doesn't like that. One of the things I need to work on during this week is the journal for the psychiatrist. They always ask if you do one. I will be giving him/her the URL for this as well as I do a lot of my thinking here. 

That I am sharing my thoughts with the world gives me pause now and then but I find typing easier on my hands than writing. Its like the damn can opener, I have a heck of a time using the hand held kind cause I grip it tight and tend to tilt it, when Roundhead gave me an electric one for Christmas I was in heaven. I know I grip too hard but that is because my hands shake sometimes and I have found that if I hold something tight they don't shake as much. I'd rather have sore hands then have someone see my hands doing jazz hands all by themselves :).

I picked up some wool and a pair of needles today at Michaels since I left my personal stuff at home. I figure if I'm going to be here awhile I might as well use the time to knit a pillow doll so I can give the professor back that ugly orange and red striped one I have been using. If all else fails it can be used to cover up the ugly one. Making a pillow doll is not hard though especially since I am not going to give it seperate arms and legs, basically all I have to do is knit a rounded edge triangle, sew it together, stuff it and embroider on a face or if I want to be really lazy I can give it button eyes or no face at all and call it done. I know myself though I will probably use a simple seam stitch to give it a face and sew a little on the sides and in the bottom centre so it looks like it has arms and legs too. It really depends on how much work I want to put into it.

I will probably do it in knit and purl, (there is a name for the type but I have forgotten it), so it is nice and smooth which will make it easier to decorate later.I picked up two skiens of the yarn I plan to use I just hope it is enough to make a least a 16" shape. If I am really lucky I'll be able to make it even bigger than that. It would be nice to be able to knit something nearly as long as I am tall. I'm about a metre and a half (5') and I would love to make it about a metre long (3') but unless I make it really skinny I do not think I can get that much length from two skiens.

I have been debating rather I want to take the rest of the money the landlord gave me and spend it on a Chapters gift card. I already spent $100 on books for my Kobo and I keep thinking I want more even though I have yet to finish reading the ones I have. I am trying to save that money though for a membership either at Shanti Yoga or the local YMCA. 

I promised the Professor I wouldn't spend any more money on Farmville but I am finding it difficult to do especially when I have a crop go to seed because I didn't get back to the game quick enough to save it. I know, I know it is just a game but its like a good book sometimes I get lost in it and the time just flies by. Crap I'm yawning my head off and I just woke up from a nap about three hours ago

Friday, March 2, 2012

02/03/2011 NaBloPoMo March 2012

The theme of the month is whether and refers both to decision making and the weather. I have not signed up because I have to date never completed one of these. The goal if you are not familiar with this little inspiration from BlogHer is to write on topic or not every single day of the month. As you have probably noticed I'm a bit sporatic when it comes to updating this blog.They do provide a daily promp from Monday to Friday of each week. The weekend is for free writing.
I dream of publishing a book but have not had much luck establishing a practice, mainly because, well I'm not sure, laziness, wanting it to be written perfectly within a day, fear of actually doing a really good job or a really lousy one. The usual shit that goes through our minds when we try something new or step outside our comfort zone. And my comfort zone has become very small at the professors house it is in his room at the desk he provided for me and at my home in Hamilton it is my room with my cat. Very little inbetween though I suppose at home I could include the Shoppers and maybe University Plaza. Here at the Professors there is nothing but this house. There is a mall maybe a 10 minute walk from here and I don't even go there any more.
So not where I wanted to go today but having begun I might as well continue. I have an appointment on the 9th for a biopsy of my stomach. In my purse I have two perscriptions, one for the H Pylori and one for the anti-depressants. Also in my purse I have a referral to a psychiatrist. I have reached the end of what the medication can do for me and now I need therapy. I hope this time is more productive than the last time. The counsellor touched a sore spot and I ran. I am 51 years old and I need to stop running and I need to stop hiding behind walls of fat and walls of concrete.
As easy as that is to write the reality is not. Rather I lack the will power or I really like being stuck I don't know. It would seem by the books I've read on psychology that I like it where I am or at least some part of me does and it finds ways to short circuit any improvements I might make. What I know for certain is that I will give myself an order like, "we won't eat anything after 8 PM" only to find myself at midnight eating carrots or nuts or something. How it happens I'm not sure somewhere between 8PM and midnight I dismiss the order from my head or find some way to make it seem like I'm not cheating. One thought I have caught is that carrots are healthy so they don't count as cheating.
Right across the road from the place I live is a park with a track, tennis courts, baseball diamond and a swimming pool. Litterally 20 steps will take me to the track yet I don't go. The only time I step outside my room most days is to go to the bathroom or to fill my water bottle. In my room I have a dozen different CD's that are dance or exercise related and on my computer I have a dozen more yet they just sit there. I am sure of you can relate to that. I mean I could say that I don't have room to do any kind of exercise in my room but that would be a lie. I actually have a space approx 9 square feet in size it I want it. I just have to rearrange things a bit.
Down the hill is a yoga studio, I mean it is maybe 5 minutes away. And there is a YMCA just a short 15 min bus ride from where I am and still I do not take advantage of them. In the other direction is a place where they teach dance also a very short bus ride. Mind these cost money and that is an issue for me. Even with a doctors recommendation I would still have to pay a certain amount. On and on, I have options but I don't use them. I have to ask myself why? The answer I get back is a mutter about it being too much work and simply not worth it. I have to wonder why do I feel that way. I used to pride myself on the fact that I could walk for 5 hours a day and not notice it. These days even 5 minutes is sometimes hard to do. I remember thinking I would never let myself get as fat as some of the women I saw around town but here I am twenty years later every bit as big as they were. Its enough to drive a girl mad.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

01/03/2012

I'm scared! I went to the Dr yesterday because a blood test had come back with a large amount of H Pylori in it. This happens to a lot of people but when it happens twice to the same person they get a bit antsy. H Pylori is always in the lining of your stomach in small quantities. Generally there are no problems, you can have high levels and never know it.

Then there are the ones like me who get gastritus or other symptoms. In my case the first time I had a small ulcer that once treated went away at least that is what I think happened. The Dr I was with then didn't really take the time to explain. 

The first symptom is usually an increase in farting and burping without the eating of gas producing foods. I eat a lot of legumes and I love my coleslaw so at first I just assumed that was what was causing the increase in gas. Before that I would feel pain in my intestinal track approx an hour before having to shit. They did all kinds of test that I would rather not think about. I'm glad they put me to sleep before they stuck that thing in my ass.

Shortly after I noticed the increase in farting I began to notice a dull ache in my lower back after or during a walk. At first I just thought I had twisted something. I didn't associated it with the fact that shitting took the pain away. By that time I made the connection it had begun to appear in the mornings when I woke up

So there I was lots of gas, a dull pain in my back every other day and if I ate peanuts or other fiber rich food the sharp pain would come. Then the nausea and acid reflux began. Tums didn't help and even Malox only worked for a short time. At first it was intermittant but then the acid reflux began to appear every time I ate. One day I even puked pure stomach acid, that was when I decided to talk to the doctor. 

I was going to see the doctor about the sugar thing I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. Turns out that has not changed but my blood had a high enough count of H Pylori that I was told I had to come back to the doctor to get some meds and to go for a test. I have to go get what the doctore called a scope and biopsy. Basically if I understand how it works is that they take a tube and stick it down my throat into my stomach and then they take a slice or scraping of my stomach lining.

I hope they knock me out so I don't have to see or feel it. It is a week from tomorrow so I have a whole week to stew about this. I am determined not to back out but waiting that long will probably mess me up to the point where I want to.

How did your March begin? Ours came in like a lion so I am hopeful that we will have an early spring.