Meandering

 So it is almost mid summer, tomorrow in fact. Should I celebrate the longest day of the year? I'd love to but I do not have a place I can do that. I seldom regret that I don't own a house but really I'm 63 what would be the point except as something to give my kids to sell when I die.

Still I miss being able to decorate the front porch for what ever holiday was up next, I miss being able to have a barbecue and a bonfire on the back patio. Sometimes, like today when such an important sun day is coming but other than that I can do without the hassle of home ownership.

An in-law apartment somewhere yeah I could do that and gladly but a house with all the maintenance stuff uh uh.

I need to figure out who I am again, or  I can  just do what I please as I please and see where it takes me. I'm afraid that will make me an enemy of some dangerous people but I really don't care. They want respect they gotta show others respect, I've tried but all I seem to do is clean up after them.

I want to take out a can of spray paint and paint a message for all to see. "Respect the Earth, clean up after yourself!" 'cept I might get in trouble for public mischief or something. Might do it anyway cause it needs to be said. I am still so mentally tired, I know it never goes away but I would like one happy day. A day when I feel alive and vibrant.

Escape

 I can't shake the feeling I am going to be homeless soon and I don't know that I am ready for that.

Why do I feel that way, I'm not sure but I have the feeling just the same. It seems that troubles keep piling up and I can hardly breathe for all the things I feel responsible for. 

I am not supposed to be responsible for anyone or anything except myself, supposed to be so. I cry a lot inside myself, the dythymia is jumping all over the place, some days I feel manic other days it's a chore to get out of bed.

Stuff comes out of my mouth that I would not say if I were in my normal mindset  and the cloying air chokes me. I go off on people for no real reason except that they have said or done something to piss me off. The worst part for me is seeing myself do these things and being unable to stop myself.

This is my third iteration of myself or maybe the fourth and I do not like myself but it feels like I have stuff from a long time ago cropping up and I get that person was a lot different from me now. I want to get through this and become someone strong and maybe likeable.

Tears are close my throat is closing up.

I really need an electric bike and a tent, I need to get away from everyone and everything around me so I can figure out who the hell I am and what kind of life I want to live and that kind of solitude sounds great to me

a voice to speak my truth

 i needed an open forum to work through a few things. I began to cry today just because a friend that I yelled at yelled back. i know i tend to just jump into things with both feet

said friend assumed that because I was leaving and didn't know where I would end up and that E wouldn't be with me and made an indecent proposal. I said no cause I may be leaving first e will join me as soon as he is able to. this is what we have discussed.

I did not realize just how sensitive I was to being yelled at. I went about it the wrong way obviously by shouting but him shouting back shook me to my core. no one has shouted at me in a long time & now I can't get the tears to stop

I always knew I didn't like conflict but I also realize that something is changing in my brain and I am angry a lot.  I knew this feeling a long time ago I think before I went through a car accident and a total mental breakdown. I yell rather than go cold like I trained myself to do a long time ago.

if this doesn't make sense it's because it is stream of thought not planned

I sleep a lot and now the tears I am beginning to wonder how close to a nother mental breakdown I am. If the pills aren't helping then I need to deal with it instead of hiding in sleep, sleep is so much easier and I don't have children to get up to go to school or any dependants that would get in the way of that

if I sleep then the constant grey skies in my head are hidden at least for awhile but truth be known it seems to be nearly constant now

the hiding and the feeling of needing to run away I felt it one other time and I packed my kids up and left Peterborough for Mississauga Actually as I was writing this I realized it was a lie.

The first time it happened I allowed a man to take me away from here only to find out he was a abusive monster, when I managed to get away I ended up at a shelter and then in an apartment and then into a mental breakdown

Those words mental breakdown... my life has changed or rather I have changed three times in my life that I remember though there may have been others when I was young.

The first time was the one I described above, the second time was when my mother died and the third was when I met e, though that was  relatively healthy and happier than the first two.

Though I keep discounting the truck accident when I was 21 or so because at the time I did not realize I had changed

stupid small instances keep coming into my head, like when I got my first period and nearly fainted, then I banged my head against a brick wall, that was when I began to write poetry. the instance when mom beat me for telling her no in front of a room full of family. So much happened between 12 and 14. I had my first boyfriend, I was beaten , i tried to run away, my uncles tried to have their way with me, my first period and then without knowing a thing about why I started to feel sad all the time.

that last part a shrink told me, she said that I had been depressed since I was 13 or so, no mention was made about why she just gave me some medication, I was 25 or so I guess, my kids were in school and so was I, that was the first job training I took. this was after I had the mental breakdown I think. I remember that the after school caretaker yelled at me because I was so late coming to get them, the medication had knocked me out for most of the day as my body adjusted to it.

just when I think they are done they start again, the tears, it doesn't make sense, GD#1 came by for the bus pass stuff and after she left the tears began again. I'm a sodden mess again. So tired, it is deepening again.

the depression, dythymia they call it now a constant feeling of sadness that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Depending on so many factors it can be just a faint feeling or an overbearing state of being, today it is overbearing.