mind over matter?

 Another night where my mind will simply not shut up until I write what is going on in it.

Today was strange or maybe it is just my thoughts. I did not get out of bed until 3pm not because I slept that long, I just couldn't seem to get myself moving until L called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him. I jumped at the chance because it got me up and moving.

We walked all about 6 km and talked about many things starting with why he was in a pensive mood and ending discussing a house he had a large interest in. Got to admit I liked it too. We were invited in for a quick look see of the main floor which included a formal dining room and a kitchen I could be tempted to kill for with a view that was exquisite. For me the energy in that house was filled with feelings of love and joy. It made me a bit hyper and talkative which is unusual for me.

When we got back we stopped to talk to Alex and Dillon  who are also tenants here. We were talking about the disaster I mentioned yesterday and I asked for a cigarette cause I thought it would calm me but instead it made me even more talkative though I found myself repeating the same words over and over in a rambling way like I was high or something. Eventually I wound down and we came inside. 

Quick side note I did see Cash and tell her she wasn't welcome here anymore, I think that is when I realized I was a bit out of control and decided me on going inside. Just as well I did cause things got a little fuzzy and I got sick to my stomach. That is typical for me every time I smoke tobacco these days.

Anyway my behaviour outside was on my mind when I went to lie down to sleep just now. From there it went back to the house and then to the place where my thought started running an imaginary conversation that wouldn't shut up.

In Buckhorn where I grew up is a place where the first house I ever lived in 2 brothers and a sister later it burned down  or rather was caused to burn down by my mother. My dad was fine with six of us living in a two room shack my mom not so much.

I went back twice now to get in touch with that place and certain memories of it I want to deal with and both times I was interrupted before I could even begin to process it, so I was thinking I want to go back and try one more time this summer. 

I suspect my cousin will appear just as she has the last two times but this time I need to get through it so I have decided that I will tell her to go away so I can do what I came to do. I don't think it will go over well but I need to do this and I need to do it without interruption and I will tell her so. Hopefully she will go back down the hill to her own house and allow me to do what I need to do.

That is the conversation that was going round and round in my head. Maybe now it will stop.

 

Once upon a time

 That is how fairy tales start and I wish the last week was just a story!

I am a disciple of Aphrodite  and for years I did my spells as women for thousands of years have done on my back. As age creeps up on me I no longer have that option open to me so I opened my heart and my home as a place of acceptance for those who have no home of their own. I do not regret my decision except to those who abuse the options I offer. This story is about one such person she calls herself Cash/Ash depending on who she is talking to. Her name on the street is "No Pants".

I do not know how long she has been on the street though she appears to be in her mid-twenties so upwards of a decade possibly. She does not wear anything to cover her privates as far as I can tell so that she doesn't have to find a bathroom. When she needs to go she just goes like an animal would.

At first she seemed reasonably mentally stable aside from that little issue mentioned above. I treated her as I did any others who came to my window giving food and water as I had it available. 

Until one day I found her in the building at my door. That was my first glimpse into her mental instability, it was a cold night and while she had a reasonable top on she wore only a simple piece of cloth around her privates like a skirt and a longish coat.  I dismissed it as a casual thing and allowed her inside my door. I gave her a granola bar and sent her on her way, though a little creeped out that she was in the building at my door

So far so good right, a few small issues. However the next time I saw her she was back to the rag around her privates and she stunk. I later found her asleep in the hall, the back of her legs were shit stained. I didn't say anything about it because I assumed it was just a minor episode and she would be back to herself (as I saw her at the time) the next time I saw her.

No I was not stupid I was being tolerant which is something I'm pretty good at. The next time she came back she was decently covered again and she didn't smell so I invited her to sit and rest. I made her a coffee and offered her evaporated milk for it. I didn't realize until she left that she had used the whole can. Now you would think that that would sour me on her but when she came to my door the next time I gave her food and sent her on her way.

That was the first time she asked for money. I don't keep any money around except my laundry money so it was an easy no. She came around a couple of more times and I gave her the granola bars like usual  but did not allow her in. Again she asked for money and again I told her no.

The next time she came I just sent her on her way as I was out of granola bars and she was beginning to stink again. The next time she came I just told her to go to the sleeping place. A bit later maybe half an hour or so I went looking for her as I felt a little guilty about not giving her food. 

I found her in the hallway cleaning up some garbage that was in the hall. Someone had dumped a couple of garbage bags on the floor in there. She was cleaning it up when I found her so I did not suspect her. Now I am not so sure.

After the last big storm I went out to go somewhere and there was garbage all over the step. Since I had refused to open the door to anyone before and after the storm I figured it was retaliation by someone because the door was blocked.

Last night someone knocked on my door and I told them to go away, I later found out that it was Cash, she had been bugging Len since I hadn't answered the door for awhile. This morning I woke up to find the connecting hall had had several garbage bags dumped in them including some food. Later that day I found out that someone had done the same to the front step and the stairs leading to the upstairs units. I was also told that the loft area where they sleep had also been trashed.

Now I don't know why the retaliation essentially tripled but it was the last straw for me, after informing the building management I preformed a protection spell for the building and I am hoping that will be enough to prevent it from happening again.

I am so tempted to go to the crack house and tell them that the church is now off limits to everyone since one of their number turned the building into a dumpster but I do not want to stir that particular pot so I am writing my thoughts out instead.

Respect is big with the street life and I gotta wonder why that respect doesn't apply to building interiors of course it could be that she is just one of the crazy ones. 

I'd say that only about 10% of the street people would do something like this but it makes it hard for people like me to help the other 90% without some of the anger at the disrespect coming through.

No happy ending, just an ending I hope.

A Conversation

You say that I do not understand what it is like but I wonder if you do?

You laugh at the pain of being molested how dare you laugh at another s pain? It isn't funny at all but you find it hilarious.

You think calling other people big back is ok, it isn't really fat shaming but it is. You are cruel on purpose, saying things to people to make them feel bad about themselves. Why?

What do you get out of making others feel bad?

You literally don't care about anyone else, a friend gets burned and you have no apparent compassion for them. Why?

Are they really a friend or just someone you have claimed as one? A person should not treat their friends like they are there just for you to ridicule while not being alone. Why?

I have tried to understand that many things have happened in your life that caused you some mental pain and hurting other people is how you cope but I don't understand why that was your choice.

There were so many ways you could have done to deal with your perceived "rotten life" but you chose to hurt others with your words and your actions. Why?

It is hard to understand why any person would choose bullying as a way of coping with their issues rather than trying to be a better person than the ones who made you feel inadequate in some way. I understand anger and fear I've had a lot of it in my life but I am not cruel unless I have no other choice. As of this moment you have left me no choice. 

I am sad that I need to do it this way but you are toxic and I can't have that in my life. My door will be closed to you from now on and you need to figure out how to feed yourself because I am done doing that too. Perhaps some missed meals will get you to thinking about what you do. How sometimes words can hurt worse than sticks and stones.

I doubt it though because your poppa will look after you until he can't any more. That makes me sad for him but it is his choice. For me and you - you are banned from my home until August 1st 2025.

When you come back you will have one month to prove to me that you have mended your ways. What I want to see is no more name calling, some gratitude for what is given to you food wise and other wise, requests not demands, and last but not least respect given to your elders ( all of your elders from your dad on up).

The cruelty that is your go to is going to come back and hurt you many times worse than you have hurt others. That is how karma works, I hope you can fix yours or you are in for a really rough life.

I need to codify this shit!- A really long rant!

 It started simply enough, a mistaken identity and a guilty conscience, many of you can relate I suspect. Since the person in question is a 12 year old female related by blood it might be even more understandable by some of you. It gave me a big shock I'll tell you, so much so that I went overboard, something I try not to do but it happens.

With tears in my eyes yet feeling like I was laughing not crying, the guilty conscience took control. I made a prayer and started the procedure to bring her some stability, except she likes things the way they are.

I inquired about a two bedroom in the building that wouldn't require me to pack everything up to move it, the only downside was that it was upstairs, I kinda like my first floor apartment, I've been here since a year after the building opened, I was next door before that. That aside I though two bedrooms so we both get some privacy and quiet away from each other and I can make sure she goes to school and gets fed.

That it was some $466 bucks more than I am paying I figured with the child tax credit and stuff would cover the difference and I would be fine. I waited, it's been about a week since I first made the inquiry.

During that time I found out a few things I wasn't aware of, things that make me think I can't help her to become better, more level-headed. Yeah as I wrote that I realize that I thought I could help her become more normal, I no longer think that is possible. Nor am I willing to put up with her verbal abuse of myself and everyone she comes into contact with including her poor dog.

I was beginning to lean that way already but a couple things happened that completely put paid to it. Yeah laugh it up "E", I don't want to hear any "I told you so's". So what happened...

Well within days of my making the request to my landlord, her and a bunch of her friends when racing through the building making a lot of noise. That seems minor but considering the other residents in this wing it was a very not nice thing to do. That is minor but it should have warned me that I couldn't deal with her. That realization came later.

On the first and second of February, I went through a couple of real bad pain days which side-lined me, a couple of days after that my usual chronic fatigue for February kicked in and I was sleeping a lot. I had begun to make enough supper for us to share and while she complained about it, she did eat it. Then around the 5th I woke up dizzy like having a hard time walking dizzy.

She was here and I asked her to keep an eye out and call 911 in case I fainted. I do not know what she said but for one thing she said, made me angry and I told her to leave. Basically she said she didn't care. After letting it stew in my head I told her to go home because I didn't want to be around someone who didn't care about others. 

The next day when it happened again she asked if I was delusional because I had stopped to lean on the table by my desk until my head stopped spinning. I was shocked that she would say such a thing to an adult, I had told her I was dizzy and I called her a stupid child. I apologized for that, I'm not sure I should have. And I sent her home again after making sure she ate something.

Yeah I know I'm a softy but I am done being soft on her, it's time to kick in with tough love and she ain't gonna handle that well. Oh but there is more.

She came back later that night to pick up her crocs with a friend. I pretended to kick her in the ass for coming back after she had been sent away, I didn't connect but she did, hitting me on my still painful back with her croc. I told her to never do that again but she just left without an apology or anything. The rest of the night my back was in pain, not severe but it felt bruised, it still feels bruised.

 Today I found out that she had got suspended from school seven times and was finally expelled from the school she was in up north, I didn't realize it had been that bad and I understand why GD#2 gave up on her and sent her back. 

She has been to school perhaps 5X since returning in December. I guess she figures if she isn't there she can't get in trouble. The other thing is she had gone full bad girl when she is there and made many lives difficult. Her last stunt got one of her friends in trouble with her parents and stuck me with some voice time with the principle and the truant officer (is that's what its called, the police man who tries to keep the kids in school anyway.)

Today I didn't make her dinner because last night was leftover night and she didn't eat anything except a couple of freezies even though there was mac and cheese in the fridge for her. When I told her the fourth one was for me she called me selfish and left, she figured cause she asked for them they were all for her.

The rest of this I was trying to play my cards but she was freaking out at someone on the phone because a notebook had been taken from her locker. I think she called it a doom list or something, its a book where they call other people names and makes plans to hurt them. Yeah, full mean girl vibe!

During that conversation and one I had before I sent her home again I found out that that is the persona she has chosen to exemplify when she was at school and I am becoming aware of her use of it with her so called friends. She already has a bad rep and she has only been there since just before Christmas break. Fellow students are trying to get her expelled.

 That was the final straw for me, I am not a mean person and I do not like bullies. Does she have reason for her behaviour perhaps but she actually tried to bully me. I was upset when she said I wasn't her grandmother, I could accept that as posturing but to then saying I was just some homeless person she brought home to be her slave and calling me slave just hit me wrong. After her hitting me last night I was already annoyed. That last thing was unacceptable and I warned her that I wouldn't feed her any more nor would she be allowed to come here any more that I would disown her.

I don't think she understood what I meant but she will, from now on she is just another homeless person begging at my door. Also though I didn't say it I will no longer be holding my words in. This girl has to learn which means I need to throw her to the wolves so to speak.

I am hoping with this decision some of my depression will lift. I hate not being able to help anyone my own blood especially but I am so done.