Lost Again

 I am back on my medication, the last two months have been a wild ride if my writing is anything to go by. At first I felt light and airy like I finally had a purpose in my life. It changed quickly between the stress  of caring for this building and the yukyness of the weather. Even the visit to Rob's didn't help in some ways it made it worse because there was nothing for me to do but think.

I no longer care about much of anything, that is what the medication does, puts a muffler around me so I feel nothing. I am trying to pack to move upstairs but it is slow going. I just can't find the energy or the interest.

Today as I was working on the 5 x 5 I was thinking I don't care about any of this I should just give it away. Myles suggests doing a yard sale this year with me doing the posters and him doing everything else. I don't want to hang on to any of this stuff, none of it. Its all pipe dreams, things I'll never get to because I simply have lost interest in everything. 

That is where I was before I went off my medication and it is where I am now. I think that means that the depression has worsened. The thoughts of death are never far though they only slide into conscious thought once in awhile. The beginning ones that is like I wish I was dead, there and gone in seconds. But I have the means of my death hidden away as I have had for a long time since Covid. It wouldn't be an easy death though and I think I would prefer an easy death. To die in my sleep without pain is my dream.

Yeah I've given this some thought but that does not mean I will act on it. I liked my life but something changed, something fundamental changed in the world after Covid. Something sad and scary. It's been 5 years and things just keep getting worse.

I want to do something to help but I can't even help myself, how am I going to help others who are even worse off than me. The headaches are a daily occurrence as is the inertia, the utter hopelessness of being unable to fix even one thing that is wrong in this area, in this building, or in myself.

I understand that I can not lived unrestrained, it makes me careless and bold in ways that could get me killed but there has to be something better than this muddiness in my brain and total lack of interest in anything.

 

Fury and solutions

 bloody fucking shit. I come home to a mess outside with mattresses and box springs everywhere and broken branches stacked up between them. If I wasn't afraid I'd set something on fire I'd burn the lot of them. So no my brain gets a more creative idea and all I can think is that is what I should do. Make walls around the building using the shit they left here. I am so angry.

I am going to block the driveway with the branches then build a fence using the springs from the mattresses and box springs they left earlier after the first thaw. It won't be pretty and I'm sure there will be complaints from everyone but I really don't care. They want to leave shit around this building then I'm gonna use that shit and make it difficult for them to put more shit around it.

I suspect it won't last long but maybe it will give the people who are doing this shit some thing to think about. 

I don't understand why they have chosen to make our building the centre of a dump but I'm not gonna take it laying down. Fuck the whole city even though I'm sure it is only a few people fuck them all. I don't understand why do this shit to this building of all the buildings they could attack why are they attacking this one.

I am lost

 I am so lost right now. I do not even know what I want from them. Maybe to take some of the responsibility from me. But no one can do that. They are right I need to talk to him. to find out where he is with the disability and the child tax credit and everything else. I don't know what he has done or not done, I do not even know why I am leaning on Nessa to help him out when I don't even know what  kind of help he needs.

I do not know what is going on in my head. I do not understand anything I've said or why it makes me cry.

I keep looking for the beginning of the conversation. I don't know how to copy it all down so I can figure out what went wrong.

"Don't forget I've food at my house. You're welcome to it."

" True, I just hate waiting I don't have patience and I can't do a big grocery shopping until it comes. I think I may wait until you're home I don't know if I want to go there. Like I said  I don't want anything to do with Scarlett and Myles and their bs."

"Considering that your brother is trying to live on $5 a month after his rent is paid, you might have a bit more sensitivity"

"I will have more sympathy when he thanks me for anything I've ever done for him in the past. I've never recieved a thank you for anything. I'm sorry he's dealing with that but there are ways around it and he needs to figure it out. Like having a boss instead of being his own boss"

Why not show a little compassion and help him without the thanks. That sounds a little selfish to me" Look I don't want to get on your case. Your opinion is your own, but some compassion for your brother might not be misplaced"  

This is how it began. The next message I got was a diatribe against her brother. I lost my temper and said some things I shouldn't have.  There are so many words. I need to ask E how I get them into a form I can read. I just know that there was a feeling of utter selfishness in her responses. I think we weren't talking about her brother at all but something fundamentally wrong in our understanding of each other. 

I need to figure out why what she wrote hurt me so. I need to understand why even now the tears are right there right now. I need to understand how this conversation and the next one reduced me to tears. I don't cry about much but I'm doing a lot of crying right now.