No Idea

 I can't shake the feeling I am going to be homeless soon and I don't know that I am ready for that. Why do I feel that way, I'm not sure but I have the feeling just the same. It seems that troubles keep piling up and I can hardly breathe for all the things I feel responsible for.  I am not supposed to be responsible for anyone or anything except myself, supposed to be so. I cry a lot inside myself, the dythymia is jumping all over the place, some days I feel manic other days it's a chore to get out of bed. Stuff comes out of my mouth that I would not say if I were in my normal mindset  and the cloying air chokes me. I go off on people for no real reason except that they have said or done something to piss me off. The worst part for me is seeing myself do these things and being unable to stop myself. This is my third iteration of myself or maybe the fourth and I do not like myself but it feels like I have stuff from a long time ago cropping up and I get that person was ...

 i needed an open forum to work through a few things. I began to cry today just because a friend that I yelled at yelled back. i know i tend to just jump into things with both feet said friend assumed that because I was leaving and didn't know where I would end up and that E wouldn't be with me and made an indecent proposal. I said no cause I may be leaving first e will join me as soon as he is able to. this is what we have discussed. I did not realize just how sensitive I was to being yelled at. I went about it the wrong way obviously by shouting but him shouting back shook me to my core. no one has shouted at me in a long time & now I can't get the tears to stop I always knew I didn't like conflict but I also realize that something is changing in my brain and I am angry a lot.  I knew this feeling a long time ago I think before I went through a car accident and a total mental breakdown. I yell rather than go cold like I trained myself to do a long time ago. if thi...

  Adult Autism Awareness Day April 18, 2024 Help spread awareness about Adult Autism this April 2nd by joining in on the conversation for Adult Autism Awareness Day! Introduction On April 18, join in to celebrate Adult Autism Awareness Day! This special day has been celebrated since 2006 and was created to raise awareness about adults with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It is also a chance to recognize the contributions that these individuals make in society, as well as show support for their families. The goal of this day is to educate people about autism and provide resources and support for those living with it. So let's come together on April 18th to help spread understanding and acceptance of ASD! Adult Autism Awareness Day Timeline 1911 Initial Autism Identification Eugene Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, first used the term "autism" to describe symptoms of schizophrenia. 1943 Autism Defined as Separate Condition Leo Kanner, an U.S. psychiatri...

 I've missed a couple of days because I am not feeling well at all. I want to blame the rain but that I think is only part of it. I do not like where I am in my head right now so I figure if I write it down maybe it will stop bothering me. E once again denied me permission to move back in with him even though he says that he misses me when he is back there. At this point I have had enough, he says he loves me but that is not shown in his reactions. I am aware that I really don't have the right to live with him and I understand that after I left twice he doesn't trust me but if that is so why does he not just kick me out of his life once and for all. I have tangled him tight in the family drama I live with but he is more than capable of backing off and going his own way. Some days I wish he would, other days I don't know what I would do without his financial protection especially when it come to medications and stuff. I would manage without the phone I think as that is t...

 Maintaining a healthy lifestyle in the golden years is crucial for overall well-being. Here are some researched tips for seniors to lead a healthy and fulfilling life: Regular Exercise: Engage in activities that promote strength, flexibility, and balance. Consider low-impact exercises like walking, swimming, or yoga. Aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week, as recommended by health experts. Balanced Nutrition: Consume a well-balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and low-fat dairy. Stay hydrated by drinking an adequate amount of water throughout the day. Be mindful of portion sizes to maintain a healthy weight. Regular Health Check-ups: Schedule regular check-ups with healthcare professionals to monitor overall health. Screenings for common age-related conditions such as diabetes, hypertension, and cholesterol levels are important. Adequate Sleep: Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night. Establish a consistent slee...

 The happy thoughts at least let me sleep reasonably well last night, the last time I got out of bed was at 2:30 a.m. to relieve myself, next thing I knew it was 9:00 a.m. If you are not E you probably wonder why that is a big deal. The fact of the matter is it has been a while since I only woke up once in the night, I am usually up 3 or 4 times a night, so to me it is a big deal. Now 2.5 hours later I have eaten, taken my medication and I am yawning and my eyes are heavy. Perhaps because of the painkiller I take 4x a day, perhaps because of depression perhaps not. It is what it is. My thinking is fractured and my energy is nearly non-existent. But that is not why I am here today, I promised E I would make an effort to write every day because strangely writing helps me sort thoughts out and put them in a sensible order. I have been journaling for a long time and it has always helped when my brain gets fuzzy like this if I do it. A couple of months ago I walked into a burial service...

 Been dealing with my stuff but I can feel the Depression lifting so that is good news. Did my first bone density test and my first squish and scan since the  cancer with two all clears! Count me a happy camper and incredibly grateful for both of those things. Even my weight and blood sugar are in a good place. From 240 to 202 lbs, sorry not sure the kg equivalent, when I think of my weight I always think pounds. One more thing, I'm headed out of Province with my Everloving, going to get to West Edmonton Mall finally, and a night at the Calgary Stampede, maybe. I am on my way to heaven! Oh and one more bonus item, I get to fly on a jet to get there, first time ever! I am so lucky that my Everloving always finds good stuff for us to do.

 I have mentioned that I have Dysthymia.  What is dysthymia? Dysthymia is  a milder, but long-lasting form of depression . It's also called a persistent depressive disorder. People with this condition may also have bouts of major depression at times. Depression is a mood disorder that involves your body, mood, and thoughts. Body, Mood, Thoughts Body: Hurts, involuntary muscle twitches, hands shake, head aches Mood: None, no fucks given, no joy or anger to be found. Thoughts: Blank unless I am cursing my body. all of this equals Major depression. I started this entry in the hopes that I would be able to create some kind of plan to get myself back to myself but the headache is just getting worse and I feel tiredness pulling at me. I may have to wait it out a little longer. NO that is the depression talking. I know that and still I just want to stop trying. Just stop and hold still for a little while longer. Maybe disappear into a thc haze for a few days. Or go back to slee...

 No apology, I spent last year dealing with Breast Cancer and the slow progress through the various steps of diagnosis, removal, radiation treatment, and chemotherapy. I was lucky in that the radiation they used was electrical rather than nuclear so only burned my skin instead of losing all my hair and extreme weakness. Because I caught it so early the only chemo I had to do was a pill. Mind you it is a pill that suppresses estrogen so I am having sweats and hot flashes ie menopausal symptoms. Since I already did that between 50 and 59 I am not keen to re-experience it, still, the alternative is a reoccurrence of cancer so I will accept it as necessary. My main concern these days is the emptiness I feel inside where my creativity used to reside. You would think such a thing would make me more creative instead of less. In truth I have had little interest in much of anything except for my game "Knights and Brides", watching Netflix in series binges, and reading, though the read...

 She has been displaying symptoms of mental illness. The adults in our family have been doing the best we can to mitigate the symptoms. The behaviors just kept getting worse. Two days ago she took off from a public building for the third time. Her mother with my full support had her admitted to the mental health centre at the local hospital. Tomorrow she will be released and there is no plan in place. I feel that if she doesn't end up there again tomorrow night it will be in less than a month. That is unless they gave her some medication to calm her down.  As expected she arrived and within 3 days was in my care. For a day and a half I let her scream, at the end of which time she went to her maternal grandparents and then to her mother. I have agreed to take her for a few hours as needed but I will not have her stay here overnight, which I suppose was her reason for screaming all day. My poor neighbours! I have a minor case of PTSD after that, I hear her screaming in my mind a...

 The ongoing trials and tribulations of dealing with two ODD personalities. The oldest refuses to engage in any consequences of the seconds' behavior. He doesn't do consequences or confrontations both of which are required in this situation. Tough love is unacceptable to him. The second one has got it into her head that she can act any way she wants and she will be let go, (no consequences). So you would think a match made in heaven except that they mix like oil and vinegar. I'm the water that keeps them balanced I guess. But I can't do it alone, I won't do it alone. Myles kicked me out for taking action. I did not even plan on them leaving the apartment just bagging them and leaving them as a reminder that there are consequences for her actions. What I should have done is take them out to the garbage. No I couldn't do that, that would be a step too far. I don't know how Donna did it. I can't, Not with Myles going between one extreme and the other. I ref...

 Whitewolf, Alexa. Fated Rogues: A Paranormal Romance Series Starter Collection (Rogues Extended Universe Book 1) (p. 691). Luna Imprints. Kindle Edition.  I am enough? am I I am enough! I AM I am enough. (certainty) But am I really? I am sufficient enough for me but for others I don't know. Not the point I wanted to talk about tonight, it was here from November 26 and figured I'd jump in and type for awhile cause my brain is having all kinds of thoughts and some of them contradict each other. Lets start with the bane of my existence at this time GD#3. I want to think of her as a cute 10-year-old and she can be cute but I wonder how much she says to me is real and how much is made up. For instance she refused to take a bath here but did so at her grandmothers without any fuss. When I asked her why she wouldn't answer me. Is she testing me & Myles to see how far she can get? I know that is highly possible but at the same time neither Myles nor I care for confrontation, t...

 I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks. Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does. Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life. I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to a...

"Part of the problem, time to set boundaries"- Everlovin Yeah I've been realizing that. A long time ago a counsellor told me that as well but I don't know if I have ever had any boundries in my life other than the usual if you hurt me or my kids you are gone. Back then it was physical stuff, emotional and mental pain were not part of my knowledge. I am more aware of it now but I don't have protect myself that way. "Start, if nothing else they will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet if you are constantly saving them from themselves"- Everlovin  Me and my partner discussing Personal Space. Not from him he is pretty good at giving me the space I need my children and grandchildren not so much     He says this song should be my theme song but it really isn't even close to the way I feel about my life these days. Once maybe but it has been a long time. I've read a lot of books in my life about self awareness in its many forms (self-care, self-est...

 I realized last night that I have a lot of rules for myself and some of them may have medical evidence to back them up but a lot of them are just arbitrary rules I learned along the way. I should be in bed by 10 pm and asleep by midnight. Why? I'm not tired then I get tired later like 2 am I should be up and out of bed by 7 am. (my parents) I don't go to school anymore and have nothing to do all day why do I should I be up by then? I should eat a big breakfast, a medium size lunch and a small dinner. Granted it makes sense but what if you can't afford it or are unable to prepare anything due to a lack of energy? My illness almost guarantees that I run out of energy quickly and when I push myself I need to take 4-7 days to get enough energy to do anything again. These are just a few of my should's. I've decided that every time I think "I should" I will stop and look at what that should is and rather it fits me and my life. Things like I should brush my tee...