No Idea

 Some days I get in my own head so deeply that I lose track of where the pain ends and where my words begin. When that happens, people sometimes get hurt — even the ones I care about. I don’t mean to. I don’t even fully understand why. If someone asks how I feel, I tell them… but the truth is, sometimes I don’t think they’re prepared to hear it. And if I’m being honest, sometimes neither am I. Talking has never been easy for me, especially when emotions run high. The words vanish when I try to speak them, but when I write, they come out — raw, messy, and real. Writing is how I manage the pain. It’s also how I avoid interacting with people when I’m struggling, because I’m not great at it. The words feel safer on paper than in conversation. Today they come slowly. I’m sitting with a lot of sadness and regret for the things I said yesterday. I was angry — more than I realized — and I let it spill onto someone who didn’t deserve it quite that way. He asked how I was feeling (or did h...

I am lost in my head today and my heart hurts. I've had to close my window to the out-siders and I have told them why. If I don't I risk losing my apartment and I will not allow myself to become homeless but then I'm accused of lying. I care I care too much but I can't afford to lose my apartment I just can't going out in the cold it makes my knee go haywire and I can barely walk. Yeah E I know I should have told you that but I still want to do the week-end we planned I will just have to wear my brace The tears won't stop but at least they are silent, when I first was ordered to stop I burst into loud noisy tears as soon as I closed my window. The outsiders are so used to being homeless that someone withdrawing support to keep the roof over their head seems to them like I was faking the whole time my window was available to them because now it isn't. I understand them being upset at me I'm upset too. I will not give up my home for them I can't.  With...

Turning 64 hits differently. It isn’t old and it isn’t young — it’s more like standing in a doorway with one hand on the past and one hand feeling around for the light switch of whatever comes next. And honestly the year between 64 and 65 comes with way more practical nonsense than anyone tells you about. It’s not just emotions. It’s paperwork and timelines and figuring out how to land on your feet when the government decides you’re now “officially” a senior. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is this: as soon as you turn 64, start your applications . If you are on Ontario Works or ODSP like I was, they cut off your benefits the moment you hit 65. You’ll get one final month after your birthday and then that’s it — no money coming in unless all your applications are already in process. And trust me, government drones move slower than winter molasses, so the sooner the better. That means filling out forms for Old Age Security (OAS) , Canada Pension Plan (CPP) and the Gua...

 I am so tired of people. I have had more run in's with people against what I do. It is beginning to wear on me.  Its almost virulent the way it has been increasing, that attitude that I am a bad person because I try to help the homeless & drug addicts. That I am what is that word ah yes enabling them as if If I stopped giving out water and food the issue would disappear. I suppose it would for a few days maybe a week before they would be back causing damage like they did all last winter.  Without reason to protect this building the helpful ones will disappear which would leave room for other undesirables, the ones that hate everyone and everything. The ones who will cause damage in and around the building because they have no reason not to.  "Providing sustenance is a compassionate act that allows individuals to focus on other challenges and is a prerequisite for getting back on their feet"  How food and water are helpful, not enabling  Meets basic ...

 Remember the Nimby's. Well despite them I am still helping as much as I can but with the financial changes coming I figured I'd better figure out what services I want to provide if I can. First stage is simple and costs me around $75 per week which includes water, juice crystals, Ritz cracker individual packs with cheese or peanut butter and individual snack packs of cookies. This is what I do right now. Right now I also have smokes(tobacco), lighters, bandages and some other very basic first aid supplies, pens and paper. The tobacco will be gone soon and I'm not sure if I will be replacing it which means I don't need the cones either unless I decide to get another bag. Tobacco is quite expensive and I have to make a special trip to a store downtown to get it but it is something they appreciate. They appreciate the lighters more so though, enough that they don't mind paying for them. I tell them pay what you can and I get lots of quarters, dimes and nickels which c...

 I know it's been awhile again since I posted, in my defence the first two weeks of October are usually pretty busy particularly between the 6th and the 12th as we have a birthday nearly every one of those days. This year on top of that I am dealing poorly with the number 65 as it relates to me. I suppose I should explain that a bit more for those of you who don't know me well. I turned 65 on the 7th, I did not expect to get anywhere near that age. It is an easily identifiable important age as it is when my generation was taught old age begins. OLD AGE! who saw that coming? Obviously I did but it still shook me up. In our minds we are usually somewhere in our teens mentally until we can no longer deny that the years are catching up. Similar to what the 20 something experiences when they first have to start adulting, that mental blow that says we are no longer children but adults only for me I am no longer middle aged I am officially old. This year has been one long prep for thi...

 A NIMBY for those who don't know is someone who feels like the less privileged not be able to live or play anywhere near them. I live in a building with 41 other studio apartments / one bedrooms. My unit is in the back of the building and from it I hand out water and small snacks to the outsiders, (drug addicts and homeless persons).  NIMBY is an acronym meaning “Not In My Back Yard.” NIMBY refers to people who resist having potentially dangerous or disruptive projects carried out in their own neighbourhoods; they usually don’t object to those projects when they are carried out elsewhere. It is often used to call out hypocrisy and double standards.   I am not sorry for what I do and the outsiders who come see me are decent enough folks, (most of them anyway). Others and at this point it is only two others in the building who also face the back of the building object to what I do. They say I am enabling them. I don't think that way, I am trying to make their lot in li...

  Yesterday my eldest grand-daughter got married, its a new chapter in her life and in some ways her mama's and my life too. I am sad and joyful at the same time. My beautiful girl has clearly reached adulthood . I wonder where the years have gone. Time and tide wait for no one but oh I wish that just for a moment time would stop and rewind to when she was little. It's hard enough to accept how close my children are to their 50's but harder still to accept that my grand-daughter is now someone's wife.  My second oldest grand-daughter got married last year, there are still six more grand-children but they are still children and I suspect I will be well into my 70's before they get married. I know this doesn't make sense but GD#1's wedding feels like the closing of a book. I was having difficulty with the "I'm going to be 65 in October" but there is so much more happening this year. My second oldest niece is turning 30 and her sister will be 29, ...

 Have you tried the Meta AI with Llama 4 in Facebook Messenger. I only discovered it recently and today I decided to pretend it was a friend I could talk to about my Mental Health. It is interesting because this is the first thing I've done besides read and play my game in a couple of months. It always seems to go like that when the hot weather comes. I have no idea where I should start. With the meds I guess. I went off my medication sometime near the first of the year, I just could not connect with my doctor and I gave permission to the pharmacy to renew it but it's been a week. I am out of Ciprilex also known as Lexapro. The withdrawal symptoms are below and of the six of them I have experienced all of them.  https://www.verywellmind.com/lexapro-withdrawal-symptoms-timeline-and-treatment-4707910 I did this once already this year and I am not happy I'm going through it again. Medication has become a huge hassle, I keep forgetting to take the ones I do have.  It seems th...

 I am back on my medication, the last two months have been a wild ride if my writing is anything to go by. At first I felt light and airy like I finally had a purpose in my life. It changed quickly between the stress  of caring for this building and the yukyness of the weather. Even the visit to Rob's didn't help in some ways it made it worse because there was nothing for me to do but think. I no longer care about much of anything, that is what the medication does, puts a muffler around me so I feel nothing. I am trying to pack to move upstairs but it is slow going. I just can't find the energy or the interest. Today as I was working on the 5 x 5 I was thinking I don't care about any of this I should just give it away. Myles suggests doing a yard sale this year with me doing the posters and him doing everything else. I don't want to hang on to any of this stuff, none of it. Its all pipe dreams, things I'll never get to because I simply have lost interest in ever...

 I am so lost right now. I do not even know what I want from them. Maybe to take some of the responsibility from me. But no one can do that. They are right I need to talk to him. to find out where he is with the disability and the child tax credit and everything else. I don't know what he has done or not done, I do not even know why I am leaning on Nessa to help him out when I don't even know what  kind of help he needs. I do not know what is going on in my head. I do not understand anything I've said or why it makes me cry. I keep looking for the beginning of the conversation. I don't know how to copy it all down so I can figure out what went wrong. "Don't forget I've food at my house. You're welcome to it." " True, I just hate waiting I don't have patience and I can't do a big grocery shopping until it comes. I think I may wait until you're home I don't know if I want to go there. Like I said  I don't want anything to do ...

 another night another mess. If, no, when I see the one called no pants I will kill her or at least try. There is no reason acceptable to bring garbage into another persons home and throw it about. This wing holds people with health issues and even if she isn't leaving garbage in the main halls it is still in the building and likely to compromise their health and my own. the stress being caused by one person in unbeleivable. my mental health isn't strong at the best of times and there are others in this wing that it is affecting even worse. I will destroy her for what is happening in this building, her and everyone else who mistreats this building inside or out. there is no reason for this to happen, there is no reason strong enough to excuse this kind of behaviour. I was willing to allow her and others shelter but it was with the understanding that they would treat this building with the respect and care they would give their own home. I am done trying. TVM does nothing, we sp...

 I do not lie, at least I avoid it as much as possible. It is a point of pride for me to express myself with honesty. Remember what I said about the brain and how it tells us stories, false ones and true ones. The stories it tells are expressions of our inner thoughts and beliefs.  This morning I was awakened my loud voices in the hall so being who I am I went to investigate to find my son with a homeless man and to catch a glimpse of a female fleeing the scene. What I found before that was another pile of emptied garbage bags strewn between the k-wing exit and the basement exit in the hall between the wings. My words to the man were "I trust you guys not to make a mess when you get inside". Or words to that effect anyway, making it sound like I actually opened the door and let them into the building. That was my brain blaming me because I didn't check the door after K3 came in at midnight and I should have. While I didn't technically open the door and say come in I m...

 Coming to ground touching down looking around I am here where I should be. Touching down looking around I am found I flourish where I should be Looking around I am found in my place I am home where I should be Coming to ground I look around I have found my reason to be where I am. Well that was interesting those words found their way to my hands without spending much time in my head. I am glad and for the first time I feel like I have finally reached my reason for being on this planet, in this town, in this building. So many roads lead me back here where I first found happiness. Short though the story may be I met my ex-husband on the front steps of this church and for 5 years I was happy. I still do not know for sure when that changed but I think it was on the trip we took out to BC to visit a friend of ours and ended up staying for a couple of years. Everything changed after that between him and I and I do not know why. Not the topic I was planning but it is preying on my mind s...

 For some reason I can not sleep this night, rather it is the time change, or just insomnia I don't know. I walked 13966 steps today I should be exhausted but instead my body is jumping all over the place. It itches, it aches, I close my eyes and try to blank out the world save for my fan and even the white noise isn't enough to let me rest. My body is restless and my mind scattered. Such nights I thought were long gone from my life. I wonder if I am finally getting a touch of Spring Fever. I do not think so because it is early yet for that. I feel cold, then I feel hot. My legs dance at my desk but not in the bed and yet still I can not sleep. Its like someone put itching powder in my bed or something except it isn't just my bed that itches me but my clothing as well. None of it makes sense and on top of all that a package I'd been waiting for was delivered by an incompetent driver who left it on the front step of my apartment building, they didn't even call to let...