No Idea

 I am so lost right now. I do not even know what I want from them. Maybe to take some of the responsibility from me. But no one can do that. They are right I need to talk to him. to find out where he is with the disability and the child tax credit and everything else. I don't know what he has done or not done, I do not even know why I am leaning on Nessa to help him out when I don't even know what  kind of help he needs. I do not know what is going on in my head. I do not understand anything I've said or why it makes me cry. I keep looking for the beginning of the conversation. I don't know how to copy it all down so I can figure out what went wrong. "Don't forget I've food at my house. You're welcome to it." " True, I just hate waiting I don't have patience and I can't do a big grocery shopping until it comes. I think I may wait until you're home I don't know if I want to go there. Like I said  I don't want anything to do ...

 another night another mess. If, no, when I see the one called no pants I will kill her or at least try. There is no reason acceptable to bring garbage into another persons home and throw it about. This wing holds people with health issues and even if she isn't leaving garbage in the main halls it is still in the building and likely to compromise their health and my own. the stress being caused by one person in unbeleivable. my mental health isn't strong at the best of times and there are others in this wing that it is affecting even worse. I will destroy her for what is happening in this building, her and everyone else who mistreats this building inside or out. there is no reason for this to happen, there is no reason strong enough to excuse this kind of behaviour. I was willing to allow her and others shelter but it was with the understanding that they would treat this building with the respect and care they would give their own home. I am done trying. TVM does nothing, we sp...

 I do not lie, at least I avoid it as much as possible. It is a point of pride for me to express myself with honesty. Remember what I said about the brain and how it tells us stories, false ones and true ones. The stories it tells are expressions of our inner thoughts and beliefs.  This morning I was awakened my loud voices in the hall so being who I am I went to investigate to find my son with a homeless man and to catch a glimpse of a female fleeing the scene. What I found before that was another pile of emptied garbage bags strewn between the k-wing exit and the basement exit in the hall between the wings. My words to the man were "I trust you guys not to make a mess when you get inside". Or words to that effect anyway, making it sound like I actually opened the door and let them into the building. That was my brain blaming me because I didn't check the door after K3 came in at midnight and I should have. While I didn't technically open the door and say come in I m...

 Coming to ground touching down looking around I am here where I should be. Touching down looking around I am found I flourish where I should be Looking around I am found in my place I am home where I should be Coming to ground I look around I have found my reason to be where I am. Well that was interesting those words found their way to my hands without spending much time in my head. I am glad and for the first time I feel like I have finally reached my reason for being on this planet, in this town, in this building. So many roads lead me back here where I first found happiness. Short though the story may be I met my ex-husband on the front steps of this church and for 5 years I was happy. I still do not know for sure when that changed but I think it was on the trip we took out to BC to visit a friend of ours and ended up staying for a couple of years. Everything changed after that between him and I and I do not know why. Not the topic I was planning but it is preying on my mind s...

 For some reason I can not sleep this night, rather it is the time change, or just insomnia I don't know. I walked 13966 steps today I should be exhausted but instead my body is jumping all over the place. It itches, it aches, I close my eyes and try to blank out the world save for my fan and even the white noise isn't enough to let me rest. My body is restless and my mind scattered. Such nights I thought were long gone from my life. I wonder if I am finally getting a touch of Spring Fever. I do not think so because it is early yet for that. I feel cold, then I feel hot. My legs dance at my desk but not in the bed and yet still I can not sleep. Its like someone put itching powder in my bed or something except it isn't just my bed that itches me but my clothing as well. None of it makes sense and on top of all that a package I'd been waiting for was delivered by an incompetent driver who left it on the front step of my apartment building, they didn't even call to let...

 Sometimes my thoughts settle into repeat mode, what they repeat are conversations I feel I need to have but am a bit afraid to follow through on. Case in point the continued disrespect being shown to what is sacred ground even if it is no longer used as a church. At first it was a few scavengers going through the dumpster looking for the gods only know what, at first. If you looked outside Keith Hall right now you would be disgusted. They have been taking everything out of the dumpster and spreading it around the dumpster area and lately have been targeting the wheelchair ramp ... THE FRICKING WHEELCHAIR RAMP! which at least 4 tenants require the daily use of. It wasn't enough to turn the connecting hall and the upstairs into a dumpster now they are preventing the free movement of wheelchair bound and walker users. Talk about disrespect, which brings me to the conversation I keep having in my brain. At the end of the lane is a crackhouse which up until the last big snowstorm in ea...

 Another night where my mind will simply not shut up until I write what is going on in it. Today was strange or maybe it is just my thoughts. I did not get out of bed until 3pm not because I slept that long, I just couldn't seem to get myself moving until  until L called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him. I jumped at the chance because it got me up and moving. We walked all about 6 km and talked about many things starting with why he was in a pensive mood and ending discussing a house he had a large interest in. Got to admit I liked it too. We were invited in for a quick look see of the main floor which included a formal dining room and a kitchen I could be tempted to kill for with a view that was exquisite. For me the energy in that house was filled with feelings of love and joy. It made me a bit hyper and talkative which is unusual for me. When we got back we stopped to talk to Alex and Dillon  who are also tenants here. We were talking about the dis...

 That is how fairy tales start and I wish the last week was just a story! I am a disciple of Aphrodite  and for years I did my spells as women for thousands of years have done on my back. As age creeps up on me I no longer have that option open to me so I opened my heart and my home as a place of acceptance for those who have no home of their own. I do not regret my decision except to those who abuse the options I offer. This story is about one such person she calls herself Cash/Ash depending on who she is talking to. Her name on the street is "No Pants". I do not know how long she has been on the street though she appears to be in her mid-twenties so upwards of a decade possibly. She does not wear anything to cover her privates as far as I can tell so that she doesn't have to find a bathroom. When she needs to go she just goes like an animal would. At first she seemed reasonably mentally stable aside from that little issue mentioned above. I treated her as I did any othe...

You say that I do not understand what it is like but I wonder if you do? You laugh at the pain of being molested how dare you laugh at another s pain? It isn't funny at all but you find it hilarious. You think calling other people big back is ok, it isn't really fat shaming but it is. You are cruel on purpose, saying things to people to make them feel bad about themselves. Why? What do you get out of making others feel bad? You literally don't care about anyone else, a friend gets burned and you have no apparent compassion for them. Why? Are they really a friend or just someone you have claimed as one? A person should not treat their friends like they are there just for you to ridicule while not being alone. Why? I have tried to understand that many things have happened in your life that caused you some mental pain and hurting other people is how you cope but I don't understand why that was your choice. There were so many ways you could have done to deal with your perce...

 It started simply enough, a mistaken identity and a guilty conscience, many of you can relate I suspect. Since the person in question is a 12 year old female related by blood it might be even more understandable by some of you. It gave me a big shock I'll tell you, so much so that I went overboard, something I try not to do but it happens. With tears in my eyes yet feeling like I was laughing not crying, the guilty conscience took control. I made a prayer and started the procedure to bring her some stability, except she likes things the way they are. I inquired about a two bedroom in the building that wouldn't require me to pack everything up to move it, the only downside was that it was upstairs, I kinda like my first floor apartment, I've been here since a year after the building opened, I was next door before that. That aside I though two bedrooms so we both get some privacy and quiet away from each other and I can make sure she goes to school and gets fed. That it was ...

 I have a very fundamental belief that there is good in everyone from the hardened criminal to the most difficult child. I find it impossible to give up on anyone no matter how they behave or talk. It is a difficult thing trying to embody love in this day and age yet it is exactly what I am driven to do. Yes driven, if I can help anyone even the homeless and the drug addict then that is what I do. My grand-daughter is a difficult child on the cusp of becoming a teenager, her father is also a difficult person and he was a difficult child but I will defend them to my last breathe. If I can direct them down a more loving path or help them curb their tendency to say what is in their head regardless of what it may be then I will. Some people think that because I am like this I am blind to the person  or people I am talking to. I am not, if anything I am very conscious of them. I read their body language, their tone tells me a lot, how they hold themselves and the things they do. I ...

 if you are cursed? Yes it is a dumb question in an age where belief in magic is not strong save in the intentions for a better life than the one you are living. Yet... I am tired and listless, my energy is up and down like a light switch. Ditto my viewpoint on life. Sometimes I wonder just what is still keeping me here on earth instead of free in the aether. Not my kids and not my grandchildren not E, they don't need me any more. I do not need to be alive but here I sit anyway. I know what I should do, I even know the difference between should and must. I am discontent with my own laziness and procrastination and yet... the musts and shoulds are societies rules not mine. I am tired of trying to be what I should be and doing what I should be doing but even the musts have no power to move me. All I want to do is sleep away the days, at least in my dreams I am happy I think. I think because I do not know, I no longer recall my dreams not even the ones you have in the between times ju...

 Good Neighbour A good neighbour lends a hand where ever they can To each blown around grain of humanity A simple smile or a sudden hug for no reason So easy, a free expression of compassion A cup of water or a 1 litre bottle Can make a huge difference. This is my lament Why are people such assholes To give a homeless person A place to rest for an hour or two Maybe the difference for them Between dying quick or slow A small helping hand On a hot, hot day So simple, so easy Essentially forgotten A blanket or a plastic bag the difference between a good night and a bad one I could go on but the sadness is hitting me really hard. The landlords called the cops to remove some of the resters and I got into a disagreement with a police officer. Now I think he thinks I'm a dealer but thats ok he can spend the day out there if he wants, I will do what I want to do.

 Yeah! What started out as a working trip has turned into a holiday for E so I am looking much more forward to it. The plan as it stands now is that he will be here on the 28th, On the 29th we will be heading out to Ottawa. He asked me if there was anyplace I'd like to stop on the way. I haven't answered him yet but I will today. Found several places of interest on the routes offered but which I get to see is for E to decide as he is the driver July 1st: LeBreton Flats Park for the daytime ceremony, from noon to 1:15 pm ( ET ). The daytime ceremony kicks off the national celebrations with a look at our past, present and future. It underlines important anniversaries and themes while recognizing the diversity of our country. You’ll also have a chance to see the Canada Day Royal Canadian Air Force Centennial Flypast! I had plans but due to a mis-step I ended up hurting my calve  which meant that I wasn't able to do nearly as much walking as I planned.  Instead we stayed ...

 I can't shake the feeling I am going to be homeless soon and I don't know that I am ready for that. Why do I feel that way, I'm not sure but I have the feeling just the same. It seems that troubles keep piling up and I can hardly breathe for all the things I feel responsible for.  I am not supposed to be responsible for anyone or anything except myself, supposed to be so. I cry a lot inside myself, the dythymia is jumping all over the place, some days I feel manic other days it's a chore to get out of bed. Stuff comes out of my mouth that I would not say if I were in my normal mindset  and the cloying air chokes me. I go off on people for no real reason except that they have said or done something to piss me off. The worst part for me is seeing myself do these things and being unable to stop myself. This is my third iteration of myself or maybe the fourth and I do not like myself but it feels like I have stuff from a long time ago cropping up and I get that person was ...

 i needed an open forum to work through a few things. I began to cry today just because a friend that I yelled at yelled back. i know i tend to just jump into things with both feet said friend assumed that because I was leaving and didn't know where I would end up and that E wouldn't be with me and made an indecent proposal. I said no cause I may be leaving first e will join me as soon as he is able to. this is what we have discussed. I did not realize just how sensitive I was to being yelled at. I went about it the wrong way obviously by shouting but him shouting back shook me to my core. no one has shouted at me in a long time & now I can't get the tears to stop I always knew I didn't like conflict but I also realize that something is changing in my brain and I am angry a lot.  I knew this feeling a long time ago I think before I went through a car accident and a total mental breakdown. I yell rather than go cold like I trained myself to do a long time ago. if thi...

 I've missed a couple of days because I am not feeling well at all. I want to blame the rain but that I think is only part of it. I do not like where I am in my head right now so I figure if I write it down maybe it will stop bothering me. E once again denied me permission to move back in with him even though he says that he misses me when he is back there. At this point I have had enough, he says he loves me but that is not shown in his reactions. I am aware that I really don't have the right to live with him and I understand that after I left twice he doesn't trust me but if that is so why does he not just kick me out of his life once and for all. I have tangled him tight in the family drama I live with but he is more than capable of backing off and going his own way. Some days I wish he would, other days I don't know what I would do without his financial protection especially when it come to medications and stuff. I would manage without the phone I think as that is t...

  How to Observe International Day of Pink Students, educators, parents, policymakers, and anyone who wishes to promote acceptance and equality can participate in the day. The simplest way to take part is to wear pink and to share the story about why you are doing so if given the opportunity. Encouraging others to wear pink is also important. Some other ways to take part include: Sharing the International Day of Pink website . Sign up for the International Day of Pink newsletter . Donate to support the day. Download and explore resources for the day. If you are a politician or community leader, you can become a Day of Pink Ambassador. Send an email for more information on how to become one. Organize an event such as an office lunch, fundraiser, bake sale, speaking engagement, documentary film showing and discussion, or flash mob. Volunteer for a 2SLGBTQIA+ organization in your community. Attend the gala that The Canadian Centre for Gender & Sexual Diversity holds on...

 You might wonder why I advocate for Autism, it is simple my oldest grandson was born with it. It is hard to say because I can't completely blame his parents, not completely I could have fought harder for him. He has reached the age of 15 without basic self care training. By my daughters choice he and his brother were not encouraged to become independant in any way until he reached this year and started having real difficulty dealing with high school. His aroma can be quite pungent as he does not like showers and he can't really fit in the tub, he is about 5' 5" and over 150 lbs. One of the things that has occured to me since my daughter came to me to ask with help to get him to finish his education is that he can't learn what he isn't shown and our personal care could be much better. If we are to model the expected behaviour we have to make things like showering regularly as a necessity for us and through up to him. I am designing a program that will allow him...

The right to health is a universal right of all human beings, regardless of race, color, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth, or another status.  Below are three sheets which describe your rights to health care if you are female, disabled or other.