Lies, Lies and more lies

 I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks.

Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does.

Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life.

I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to and say "that is who I am". I am a mirror and nothing more. There is no "Cheryl" just automatic responses. Did I say mirror, perhaps it is more like a robot. Present but not "present".

The worst part is it doesn't feel like depression, it feels ... like nothing. No place for me anywhere. Nothing I can point to and say that is me. I am hollow, empty, useless.

Even my phone doesn't belong to me anymore.

I'm Good (Blue)

"Part of the problem, time to set boundaries"- Everlovin

Yeah I've been realizing that. A long time ago a counsellor told me that as well but I don't know if I have ever had any boundries in my life other than the usual if you hurt me or my kids you are gone. Back then it was physical stuff, emotional and mental pain were not part of my knowledge. I am more aware of it now but I don't have protect myself that way.

"Start, if nothing else they will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet if you are constantly saving them from themselves"- Everlovin 

Me and my partner discussing Personal Space. Not from him he is pretty good at giving me the space I need my children and grandchildren not so much

 

 

He says this song should be my theme song but it really isn't even close to the way I feel about my life these days. Once maybe but it has been a long time.

I've read a lot of books in my life about self awareness in its many forms (self-care, self-esteem, etc.) but I am still the same as always so if I am not the problem it must be them. That makes me feel guilty because I've been accused of being self-centered for most of my life.

How can I be self-centred and non self-centered. Yeah that is not the word but the word I mean is stuck in the back of my head somewhere refusing to make itself clear. Still this is clear enough I hope.

Anyway I acquired a book about setting Boundaries but I have not begun reading it, I am still not fighting for self-preservation. Self-preservation what a word for such a complex mess of emotions.

self-pres·​er·​va·​tion ˌself-ˌpre-zər-ˈvā-shən 

1: preservation of oneself from destruction or harm

2: a natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve one's own existence

bound·​ary ˈbau̇n-d(ə-)rē  

 

plural boundaries : something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

  

The dictionary can not show the complexity of the personal interpretation present in my head. Or within society as a whole.The emotions and thoughts embodied in those two words ...

 

I don't know what happens next but I do intend to work on the boundaries thing if nothing else.

Forward

 As you are aware I claim Paganism as my Spiritual practice, Nov 1st is our New Years day and with the completion of the radiation treatments I am finally able to look at things more clearly than I have in the last couple of years. 

Yeah, first Covid then Breast Cancer been a real interesting few years. Not happy but interesting.

Yesterday I started the Estrogen blockers and today I am having my first hot flash since I turned 60, while I am not happy about that the alternative as my everlovin would say is worse. Quite frankly less than one year for the process from diagnosis to treatment isn't bad but is not something I want to repeat any time soon so menopause a second time. Though at least this is only 5 years unlike the ten of the first time.

Once I brought it to my doctor's attention things moved quickly but taking it to the doctor was something I delayed for a couple of months because at first, I thought it was from a fall I took in the winter. Note to self the next time I feel a lump on my chest I will not take that long to get to him.

On the 10th I see my personal doctor after nearly a year, I have chosen a talk appointment because I have a lot of questions to ask him. I had a whole head of questions when I made the appointment but I didn't write them down so I will have to do that between now and then

I started to plan the next year in October but I am having a hard time figuring out just what I need, the wants are easy. 

• A library of 10,000 books which I am already halfway to ... that one is easy as long as my supplier gets back online, something about a provider canceling their security certificate, then it will take me awhile as I am limited to 50 books a day.
• A return to education geared towards Counseling preferably with an art basis. I am finding all kinds of information on CBT, ACT and other types of counseling. I had no idea there were so many specializations under that title. Everything from Art therapy to music therapy to business counseling come under that title.
• A life that is completely me- whoever that is. Very generalized because I am struggling with defining who I am (still) and what I need to thrive.

Thrive becoming the operative word of the year. 

Definition of thrive

intransitive verb

1: to grow vigorously : FLOURISH (last years word which did not work out so well for me)

2: to gain in wealth or possessions : PROSPER

3: to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances —often used with onthrives on conflict