Wednesday, April 18, 2012


My dreams are full of tears. The ones I won't cry I suppose. I cry a lot in my dreams latly. I have run completely out of my welbutin so I am watching myself to make sure I continue to function at a reasonable level without them. Aside from sleeping 12 hours a day I have had no bad results. I pray things continue that way. I have finally received the interview with the doctor and my first set of appointments. I am very grateful for that. I was beginning to be afraid I would have to keep making the trip to North York every three months. I am concerened about the Welbutin but without a drug card there is not much I can do.

I am still fighting sleep though and I am sure that can't be a good thing so after my appointment with the doctor on the 23rd I will be going to the drug store to see if I left the drug card there. I'm pretty sure I didn't. I am pretty sure that if I had not seen that the amount of my OW had gone down by 10 bucks that I would not have known rather Warner got his money or not. I am positive that I never saw the paper work. This concerns me because it is possible that it is in the B104 mailbox and that there is nothing I can do about it.

The middle of the month has come and gone. I haven't been home a lot again this month but I know it hasn't come in the mail as of yet even though I put in a change of address along with the other papers before the 27th of last month. That's the cut off date for information chages because cheques are mailed on the 28th. I know she got the change of address because she sent me the other paperwork to the right mailbox.

I am sitting here yawning my head off and I don't know why... I slept for 12 hours and I have only been up for about 1.5 hours. It simply doesn't make sense. I think I may have to open the patio door and let some air in here.

Friday, April 13, 2012


This was our first day in Montreal. We got in around 10 pm last night. I had a rough time settling down I am always like that in a strange bed. Tonight I do not think tonight I will hve that problem. I walked at least 5 km today, that's the most I've walked in several years. My first stop was the palais de congres de Montreal, (Convention Centre). I chose it as my starting place because it is an example of co-operative architecture. I did not go inside but I did walk 2/3 of the way around it. It was huge but what else can you expect from a building that was created by joining five or more buildings from several eras. The book suggested that the colored tiles were special but I must admit I was a bit disappolinted, I thought it would be several different different colors joined together but from what I saw it was huge sheets of single colours one to each side.

I headed next toward Place Bonaventure but missed my turn and ended in a beautiful park area. There was no green but the roads and walks were cobblestones. There was a church there that had a gorgeous front. I took several photos but I will have not be able to upload them until I get back home on Monday. 

I did eventually get to Place Bonaventure but because I was running late I did not go in to explore. I went from there to Dorchester Square, I did go in here and I am wishing I had not been so worn out because I didn't take any photos inside this place. The elevator doors were coated with gold as was the mailbox in the main hall. I went inside to go to the tourist information centre. It wasn't until I started looking at the stacks that I realized that each set of shelve held information from a different section of Montreal Island and Quebec. There were ten rows with three different places per shelf. It is a humbling reminder that Montreal is old and nearly as big as Toronto.

I stopped at the Dominion Square Tavern for lunch. The decor is 1920 ish and the place was full. The level of energy in that room was amazing. The food was super and so was the service. The price was high but I beleive it was well worth it.


I am beat I think I will leave the rest until tomorrow.


I seem to be in a fugue state. I have dozens of things I could do but I don't know which one I want to do. I am lost it seems in a world of thought. There are days that if I could live here I would but I am expecting the Professor tonight and there are any number of things I could be doing exp. laundry. Call it Inertial, call it what you like I am stuck. I thought I had taken my ciprelex last night but it turns out I didn't so I slept and dreamed which doesn't often happen. The other side of this coin seems to be  a complete lack of motivation and indecision. That is a bit worrisome but not too much so. I suspect that when I run out I am going to have a lot more bad days.

Even my thoughts are having a hard time forming coherent thoughts, that paragraph above which should have taken only a minute to go from mind to keyboard was five minutes getting the same distance. On top of that my bed is calling me alreasy and I have only been up for 3/4 of an hour. I need my coffee and I need something to engage my mind but unless I want to add far more books and short stories than I can ever read in my remaining life time I need to stop downloading and start reading. In the process I can peg other books that I want to read. I am like baby sis in that I want to read a whole series not just one book from dozens of series. I find it very annoying especially as I have noticed the authors will make the first book free but then you have to pay full price for either the paperback version or the ebook version. As I stated before I do not have the storage room for a bunch of paperbacks and yes I coulod borrow them from the local library but then I got to ask what if a0 it isn't there and b0 it takes longer for me to read than I am allowed to have it out and c0 what if I want to read it again and it is out or lost?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Ten days in... How did the time go so fast? I have reached the conclusion that I either have to move back to Toronto to be near my doctor or I have to release him and get one here. I really don't want to move but at the same time I am reluctant to give up the doctor I have for one I will get. It means a period of time without my pills or any medical assistance whatsoever outside of the Walk in Clinics.


I just finished an eBook called "The Rivers of London"  or "Midnight Riot". Depending where you look. I would love to read the next book in the series but it costs the same as a paperback and I'm just not willing to spend that much. I am of the opinion that I do not mind spending a little money on electronic items but they absolutly should not cost the same as a paperback. In truth this paticular book "Moon Over Soho" can actually be bought in paperback form for two cents plus shipping. If it were not for the problem of storage I wouldn't mind buying the paperback. eBooks are easier and much more compact so I have a distinct preference for them. That is why I bought my Kobo Vox. Sure I have games and things on it but mostly it is books, lots and lots of books.


It has been a week or so since I dropped the form off at the McMaster Family Clinic but I haven't heard anything, I am thinking I will have to go in the other direction. Release Dr Cohen and go through the CMA to find a local doctor that is taking patients now not some day soon. If I have to take all of this to Dr Cohen I might as well move back to North York. 

I keep wondering if it is worth all the hassle. I don't have a drug card so I can't renew my meds anyway unless I pay cash for them and the while the Welbutin is the least expensive of them what happens when I must get the Ciprilex which is over a hundred bucks or the stomach pills which I am also getting low on.


I have prepared a list of three that are a reasonable distance away, I will probably call them tomorrow. One that I was interested in is near Wharton Medical Clinic (the place that specializes in obesity) but I can't remember which one it was I should have noted it before I went for direction, ah well I can always check them out again.

Right now I am looking into Montreal, maybe the Professor and I will get there this week, here's hoping

Thursday, April 5, 2012


I seem to have lost a day or two. For some reason I woke up today convinced that it was Wendnesday. I am headed East today, first to Toronto then on to Peterborough tomorrow to visit with my grandkids. It is Easter weekend and this is one of the things that as a grandparent you are supposed to do. I haven't seen them for several months so I am sure they are taller and getting personalities of their own.

The Professor picked up chocolate I think, I'll know when he gets here.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


I ask myself every day why I am here and why I am the way I am. I struggle with my personal demons among them I am lost. I cry inside but never ever let it show unless there is no one to see, no one to hear. I worry if I am doing things right and wonder what other people think but mostly I think. I do not think great thoughts indeed more often than not the thoughts are of the poor me category or you know what you have to do why don't you do it. I ask myself that question a million times a day I think. If I am so smart and knowlegable then why can I not get myself from here to there from A to b from thinking about losing weight to actually doing at least one of the things I know I should do. My life is ruled by would, could and shoud with the loudest voice always about what I should do, what normal people do. But I am not normal by society's light I am indeed close to the middle of abnormale I think. I do not like to work, I have no grand plan that I am working on daily, indeed most days I'm just glad to see the end of. Though I know that is another day gone of the finite number I have, I just don't care. At least that is what I tell myself Nothing matters in the grand scheme of things I am one little dot among 5 trillion or thereabouts. I worry though. I worry that I am not doing things that I'm supposed to do like eating right, sleeping "proper " hours or even talking to others beyond a minor hello how are you in the hall.I should feel at peace but I do not. Twice in as many days I have found myself repeating searches that I did on previous days because I can not remember if I found what I was looking for. I sit up until 6 am importing and converting my ebooks for the database yet can not put the same focus into going out and walking around the track across the street. My priorities are skewed, I am more interested in getting all of my electronic "books" in one place and catalogued than I am in losing the weight I desperatly need to lose before it kills me. I worry about what my neighbours think about me even when I know most of them have no idea who I am and could care less and the few I speak to think I am an old woman who keeps to herself and that is fine with them. I wonder if they even know my name, I know I don't know theirs, unlike the basement the peoople here are not friendly to each other or at least I am less friendly here than I was there. I came here for the bigger room but it also means I am in a bigger, better class of people, most of them work or are honerably retired unlike me. If I look at my life I have achieved nothing earth shattering, everything I did I did poorly or only once and while I could call them personal achievments they lose luster either because of the end resault or because I have never been able to repeat them. There is a place in my mind that is red and raw, it is the place where trust and openness used to live. I hope that it will heal one day but so far it is still as raw and sore as it has been for decades. I wonder sometimes if I am not mad and that the only reason I am not locked up is because I am good at hiding it. I think I am a very good actress or at least I used to be now I prefer to hide in this room than try and be what the outside world expects me to be. I can not pretend any more that I fit. I know I do not. I know in truth I never have. I could blame my parents for the way I am but what would be the point of that, they are both dead and whatever influence they may have had is gone with them. I am accountable only to myself and that self feels so bruised and battered that it finds itself more hidden and yet less so. I hide here in this room where for the most part the outside world can not touch me. I could say that I am grieving and I suppose in a way I am though I thought I accepted my fathers death a long time ago. He wasn't dead then though and now he is. I wonder if the deepened depression I am suffering is partially because that leaves me an orphan. Odd to think like that at 50+ but there you have it. I wonder how long it will take this depression to run it's course and then I realize that unless I make an effort to leave it behind this is the way I will be for the next four years or however much time I have left. My mother died when she was 55 I am getting close to that now and today at least I think I would welcome death, though I would rather it took me while I slept

Monday, April 2, 2012


I have been wondering, if I am not mentally ill does that mean I am lazy? And if I am lazy how does one overcome the inertia associated with that paticular state of mind. Inertia has been my issue for a long time it seems. After the pain began to become a daily thing instead of a once in awhile thing I was very active. I was ouit every day taking photoes and exploring. As the pain got worse and worse I began to go out less and less. For the last few years I've hardy used my camera at all and going out to explore became a thing of the past.
I do not want to blame the Fibro for my lack of initiative but it does make it more difficult to do the things I used to do. Other sufferers say that it does not have to limit your life too much, you just have to plan better. That is all well and good but for me even when I do something as simple as the laundry I pay for it as I am today. Even going to do my monthly shopping has become a chore. I did not want to let it defeat me. I had such great plans but now it is all so much air.
In the last two years I have become a recluse, going out and doing what I needed to do but for the most part staying in. THe more I stayed in the less I did until most days are spent in front of the computer screen playing games or more recently getting all of my electronic books organized into a database for easier searching and greater organization, instead of folders I use tags much simpler and on the whole seem to take up much less room on my hard drive.
I eat and play and sleep most days unless like last week I had homework to do. That is what psych professionals call the stuff they give you to do between sessions. It is a good term for it even with the overtones of school. Mind you I have few bad memories from school so it is not a bad thing to me as it might be to others who were less fortunate in that regard.
Yesh I sounded like a right prig with that last sentance but I right as I think and that was how I thought it. I did not get up until after noon today and even then I was tired. My own fault I was up until two working on that data base. It is amazing what will catch your attention. I like to read and I've always wanted to record all of the books I have. With the paper books it is a long boring chore but with the electronic ones with this calibre data base it is not hard at all. It has a memory issue in that you can only search metadata for 500 books before it needs to reset but that would not be so bad except that I have over 8500 ebooks and I'm thing when I'm done I'll have close to 10, 000. That makes the process of giving them tags and putting them into series, (if they are part of one), and getting covers for the ones that don't have them long. And of course though the automatic works well there are always a few books in each hundred that have to be dealt with on a one by one basis because they began life as part of a greater work. Short stories that were published in magazines are a good example of this.
Automatic reflow works ok when translating from text to PDF but it requires that I go in and try and find out where the paragraph marks are otherwise it becomes a big mess. Still readable but missing paragraph breaks and chapter breaks makes it a bit difficult to read, my eyes tend to miss lines because it is so tightly packed. I could go in and replace the paragraph and chapter breaks but that takes a lot of time and is actually quite tedious unless I choose to read the book as I am making the changes rather than just scanning for most likely breaks. Days like today when I am feeling tired it is not a good idea to tackle that kind of project, though I suspect that when I am done adding books and begin to read them I will change my mind. For now it is enough to add some basic tags and gather them into series for easier reading.