Monday, December 31, 2012

7:22 AM December 31st 2012

This being the story of my day on the last day of 2012 the year that the incan calendar stopped. In truth a bit of a retrospective of the year gone by and a look into the future I hope for.

To begin with today has started badly for me. I was still awake at 12:30 AM and I only slept until about 3AM when I woke up with a tickle in my throat that wouldn't go away even after coughing and dry heaving for an hour. Eventually I remembered that peppermint is supposed to settle an irritated stomach so I dug out a candy cane. It helped enough that I was able to sleep until 6 AM when my alarm went off. I turned it off and laid back down but couldn't get back to sleep between the pain in my hip from tripping over the baby gate and Coco's whining. Eventually at 7ish I went downstairs intent on taking her out but Bently had to go too. I hooked him up and she started barking at full volume and jumped the baby gate to join Bently & I. I clipped them in tandem and let them out the door, by the time I got to the top of the stairs they were already at the bottom. As I headed down I slipped and slid down to the bottom of the stairs all 12 of them. Thankfully I didn't twist my ankle or bang my head but now my whole left side hurts instead of just my hip.

With the extra activity since Christmas Day morning I have been mostly pain free though obviously with the two falls the fibro has just moved from my body to my head. I can not afford to have bad balance here this place is all stairs. Stairs to get from my floor to theirs, stairs to get down to the front door, stairs from the back porch to the ground, stairs from the front porch to the ground. I haven't counted the steps between my floor and the front walk but I'm willing to bet that there are at least 30 steps. 15 from my floor to their door, another 15 or so from their door to the front door then three steps from the front porch to the sidewalk. All I know is that it is difficult for me to climb all the way from the front door to my floor without taking a rest.

This past year I have moved four times. From B104 to 104 Main to 103 Main in Hamilton then to here. The first three are all within 19 Strathcona so they were simple moves accomplished fairly quickly. The move from Hamilton back to Peterborough was a lot longer and much more tedious. Everything had to be disinfected as much as possible before it could be moved so I didn't carry the bedbugs with me. Oh yes the bed bugs, they were not a problem in the basement but quickly became one on the main floor. I hadn't seen a bedbug since I was 10 years old and mom had to replace all of our matresses. In the beginning I didn't know they were there because it was only a few random bites over a few weeks, they were a little itchy but not much. By the time I realized what was going on I had a full blown infestation. My landlord was a reasonable man and had been working to irradicate them as quickly as possible but they are hard to kill. After I moved into 103 they became so massive a problem that they were coming in every couple of weeks to clean and disinfect. Eventually it became such a problem I had to leave and had already decided that I would be returning home.

The professor agreed to let me winter my stuff in his garage in the hope that I will be able to bring all of my things here bug free. I picked up some yarn and needles at a place called Len's Mill so I at least had knitting stuff but 90% of my clothes and 100% of my storange units are still in his garage where they will remain probably until spring.

My mental illness finally has a name, it's called dysthymia. Basically that is a constant low level depression whose cause is generally unknown but is beleived to be genetic in nature. One of the things I would like to work on in 2013 is this. From what I read a few changes in lifestyle may alleviate it some what. That explains why sometimes in my life I could call myself happy, though few and far between they were during periods when I was looking after myself.

"There are a number of things you can try to improve dysthymia:

  • Get enough sleep.

  • Follow a healthy, nutritious diet.

  • Take medicines correctly. Discuss any side effects with yourdoctor.

  • Learn to watch for early signs that your dysthymia is getting worse. Have a plan for how to respond if it does.

  • Try to exercise regularly.

  • Look for activities that make you happy.

  • Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.

  • Surround yourself with people who are caring and positive.

  • Avoid alcohol and illegal drugs. These can make your mood worse over time and impair your judgment.

Medications are often effective for dysthymia, though they sometimes do not work as well as they do for major depression, and may takelonger to work.

Don’t stop taking your medicine on your own, even if you feel better or have side effects. Always call your doctor first.

When it is time to stop your medicine, you and your doctor will slowly reduce the dose instead of stopping suddenly.

People with dysthymia may also be helped by some type of talk therapy. Talk therapy is a good place to talk about feelings and thoughts, and to learn ways to deal with them. Types of talk therapy include:

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps you learn to be more aware of your symptoms and what makes them worse. You will be taught problem-solving skills.

  • Insight-oriented or psychotherapy, which can help people with dysthymia understand factors that may be behind their depressive thoughts and feelings.

Joining a support group for people who are having problems like yours can also help. Ask your therapist or health care provider to recommend a group."

Looking back it was always there and I am not the only one who suffers from it in my family. This is the most significant thing to happen in 2012. I now have a name for the one issue that has weighed on me for many years and a way to combat it that does not include medication or hospilization.

The second most significant thing to happen this year was the onset of menopause. My periods ended in January and though I had a couple when I was taking the prenatal vitamins, they were rust colored and very short. I was looking for an iron supplement and I picked the prenatal vitamins up by accident. Never again! It was the happiest day in my life when my period finally stopped!

The third most significant thing that happened this year was the birth of my third grand-daughter, I now have another little girl to spoil!

Now some of you may think I prioritized them incorrectly but trust me on this, finally knowing what is wrong with me mentally was the most important and significant event of the year for me. After years of questions I finally have an answer and something I can work with to bring a little happiness into my life before my time is up. Secondly I have been waiting for my period to stop since I had the tubal ligation in 1981, for the past 30 years it has been a monthly mess with no real purpose that I have had to deal with. The birth of a grand-daughter pales in comparison to those two things especially since I have two grand-daughters already who are nearly grown.

My biggest life lesson for 2012 was just that a lesson in best practices for a healthy life. You see that list up there ^, well one of those things was the perscription given to me by several different doctors, can you guess which one?

If you said "try to exercise regularly", your right.

Every doctor I saw this year including the breathing specialist all said the same thing, every  damn  one  of  them! So can you guess what my major goal for 2013 is?

If you said "Exercise regularly", your right.

Getting some energy back, easing some of my fibro pain, losing some of the extra hundred pounds I'm carrying around and lightening my depression can all be accomplished just by adding 15 minutes to half an hour of movement to my life every day. What is even better is that it does not need to happen all at once I can do 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there and 15 minutes elsewhere or stretch it out to three 10 minute sessions or six 5 minute sessions or two 15 minute sessions or any combination as long as it adds up to approx 30 minutes per day. What is more climbing stairs and walking the dogs both count. They may be only worth 40 calories but that is 40 more than I would have spent otherwise

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry F******* Christmas

With the slamming of the door a merry christmas is born. Sarcasm intended. What can I say one small moment of beleif in the power of christmas to cure all ills and I have doomed myself to a night of suicide watch, That she came to me and talked about it is the only hope I have. Perhaps the old wives tale that the people who suicide are the least likely to tell someone or mention it at all is true. Here's to hope!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Riding Despair

This year the season of joy has

become a season of oh boy.

I cry more than I smile

I'm at 0 on the joy dial

Snow for Christmas, alright

so why do I feel so tight?

The grey and black and white

Fits this year just right

In the end sad but true

I am glad 2012 is nearly through

 

Just a little ditty that has been crowding my brain. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but honestly this holiday season has been full of so much pain and anguish that I wish it were over.

I was thinking yesterday that Christmas just isn't the way it used to be. With my fathers demise a little over a year ago the whole world seems to have turned ugly and sour. I have been unable to muster the energy to move beyond this desk for so long it feels like I am permanently attached. 

I suppose I have not grieved properly whatever that means because people expect me to be moving on with my life and I just can't seem to. It is as if I'm mired in mud that has frozen around me, I can move forward but very, very slowly. In fact that is how I see myself. Stuck in something that I can move through but without grace and very slowly. 

I hurt all the time and with the coming of the cold I have even less motivation to get up and get out than usual. Extreme cold and extreme heat do me in energy wise all the time. Mind you Co-co is making sure I get some fresh air, she even wakes me first thing in the morning so she can go out

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

18/12/2012

it is just a bit after 12:30 in the morning and I have been sitting here thinking about how one man ruined the lives of six people that I am sure of and probably many more. He is a pedophile and he is my uncle. The lives he ruined were mine and my brothers and sisters and my daughter before he was finally jailed for it. Mind you it seems that part of my reaction was jealousy because I thought for the longest time I was the only one. Please do not ask me to make sense of that reaction because I honestly do not know where it comes from. He always seemed so glad to see me and he would give me a hug everytime he saw me. I do not remember kissing but who knows it might have been there. Part of what bugs me is that I used to actually enjoy that interaction. I remember him coming into my bedroom at night but I kept thinking it was after my daughter was born now I wonder if it was. I felt no shame because it was just the way things were. I think I figured such things happened to all girls. It did not strike me until one day when I found myself drawing a picture of him and a young boy. I am thinking it was probably one of my brothers but I do not know. What I know is that I did not have to think it drew itself which tells me that I think it may have been something that I saw and blocked out.

I keep encouraging other members of my family to write down those thoughts, to put them on paper so that they can look at them and the image and thoughts would lose a lot of their power to harm them mentally. Yet I know that I have not written much over the last six months despite the fact that things like the above keep coming up in my thoughts. Until tonight I thought I had a handle on the memories but sadly I guess not. I know I need therapy, I am going to look and see if I can find any group therapy type things I can go to in the area.

I am antsy, , suddenly it is very hard to keep typing I itch all over, scratching is a form of self punishment if done in excessive amounts, not sure what excessive is but I am sure that I am inflicting pain on myself  to distract me from my thoughts. It is a coping mechanism that I am beginning to recognize because I only seem to get really itchy when I start exploring areas like the sexual abuse. Its as if I think that inflicting pain on myself will distract me from my thoughts and or the path I am thinking of following. Sadly it seems to work because it is all I can do to keep typing even with the thoughts of the various people who have inflicted abuse on me.

In fact I think I am going to have to stop because I do not want to fight with myself right now, I'll get myself all riled up and then I will have a hard time getting to sleep

Saturday, December 15, 2012

SparkCoach Reflection

Think about 3 things that are on your bucket list. What goal would you go for if anything was possible? What can you do to feel like that in your life today?

My bucket list consists of a lot of travel related things, if anything were possible I would take a round the world trip that included riding in every conceivable mode of transport possible like a train to toronto a plane to new orleans, a ride in a cajun boat, a helicopter ride to the nearest dock a cruise ship to cross the ocean and on and on like that. The feeling I get inside is all bubbly and excited and of course a little nervous.

What can I do to feel like that today? I did it I played catch with my grandson and it was all of those things plus it appealed to the child in me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

10/12/2012

Even when I plan to write every day I don't. I have no idea where the last 6 days went. They are just gone. I do not understand it at all. I woke up early, Bud had dental surgery, I walked the dog once & she ran away. All these things have happened in the last six days. I babysat a couple of times. The days blur and are gone. I renewed my library books. I've been busy on Listography, I have two new lists. I dyed some paper, I tore up some paper for paper mache and brought up the flour to make the paste. I finished Juniors scarf and it promply got lost. I started one for Bud. GD1 has been a bit of a pest since she moved up here because she doesn't knock before she comes in. I played Cafe World & Farmville2 every day & I discovered two new games one called Dragon City and the other is a site devoted to Slingo. I guess it is not so blurry after all :) but those are only the highlights. So tired, I think that is enough for today.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

04/12/2012

I am still adjusting to the fact that it is December and that we are supposedly facing the end of the world as we know it sometime between the twelth and the twenty fourth. But life goes on and so do I though it is with increasing restlessness and anger at my own lack of volition to change things up to eliminate the one and handle the other.

I slept with a dog and GD #1 last night. First time in a long time my eldest grand-daughter has come to me looking for comfort. With a little Vicks and some chill down time she was finally able to sleep and eventually I did too. The dog watched over both of us. The alarm went off at six I turned it off and Ness got me up at seven when she came looking for GD #1.

I took the dog out for a quick walk and saw a whole bunch of old window frames like the ones I saw painted at a craft site a few years ago. Not painted the way you paint a window in your house but made into beautiful Objects D' Art like the one below that I found at Jilly's Happy Home Blog. Okay so it isn't fine art it is still art and I really like it.

There was also one of those slanted workout benches outside, I plan on going over there this evening maybe and asking about both the windows and the bench. If they are outside maybe he will be willing to give them to me. I am assuming they belong to a man cause of the big truck I saw out front but who knows. I am also assuming that who ever owns the house works that's why I figure this evening would be a good time to talk to them though if when I take the dog out this afternoon and the truck is there I will knock on the door. I just want a couple of the smaller windows and that bench would solve a ton of issues around weight training.

I had intended to go to the library today but I think I'll just renew the books. I still have not found my bank card so I need to deal with that soon too. With luck maybe I can do it online like I did the cheques. I am deliberatly looking for ways to not have to go outside though I found it very mild for December out there this morning. I think we need to adjust our calendars to match the changing weather patterns. I miss snow and we have been getting less and less of it every year for the past decade.

Keep losing my way, my thoughts wander and I am every where but here in front of this journal. I think about this town and how small it is compared to Toronto or Hamilton. I am reminded that a lot that things I have grown accustomed to are not available here yet. They are coming though it began with Walmart and now we have two as well as a Michaels and a Chapter's Indigo oh yes and mustn't forget Future Shop and Value Village, so it is growing just very slowly.

What I wouldn't give for a full fleged oriental grocery store just down the street but I think that that may be awhile coming yet for Peterborough.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dec 1, 2012

I have been trying to start this all day but kept getting distracted, then I spent most of the afternoon babysitting. I am so tired but it is nearly seven and I think laying down at this hour would be a big mistake. I can't focus well though so two line is all you get.