Tuesday, December 31, 2013

1 Day until 2014

Mapping the Next year is the Goal for today and doing some brain storming. It is early in the day and while I made a start yesterday at Pininterest I am no where near finished.  What do you think? Not bad for a beginning
My Map
Happy New Years Eve Day!

Monday, December 30, 2013

2 days until 2014 - Fast-Forward to Dec 2014

December 31, 2014

In my head I am less fractured, my past has been unraveled and re-knit into a stronger, healthier self.

I have found 175 pounds again and am stronger, fitter than I have been in a long time. My depression and the Fibro are better due to the healthier lifestyle.

I have published my poetry e-zine and completed the first story of Woulf.

I got through the wedding and honeymoon without any major hitches. Everything was beautiful and everyone got paid on time. My GD #1's sweet sixteen went off without a hitch too

I am up to date with all of my bills and so are my daughter & SIL. I have my ODSP and we are finally managing to put some money aside towards a house.

I have a small group of friends I get together with on a weekly basis. We do lots of things together including a weekly drumming session and an art journal session.

I am dancing again and have attended "Dance Your Bones" half a dozen times and even managed to stay for a couple of complete sessions.

It has been a great year!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

3 Days until 2014 - Choosing a word for the year

I had a hard time choosing the word that best describes the year I would like to have. I knew it would have to encompass movement and momentum and my hope to not only keep moving but to improve other areas of my life as well.

Living it would include doing the 30 min a day of exercise the doctor would like to see me doing, it would see me spending time in more social situations, it would see me building some savings and it would see me recovering more of the original Cherylann.

Breathing it would mean I suffer from a little less depression and even when I am down I keep moving towards my goals. It means working through bad pain days instead of using them as an excuse to stop not just for that day but for many days.

I have made a small start this year by attending the Art therapy group and spending time with my friend and even touching base with old friends and family. I've also started therapy and it is going to get even more intense in the new year. I have gone to the weight room and an aqua fit class and definitly intend to continue.

Bringing more forward movement into my life will include going to the Y five times a week, it means deepening my therapy so I can deal with all those festering wounds in my soul, it means attending and participating in some of the local social events, in paticular I am looking to join a knitting group  and maybe take part in a poetry slam or something similar. I am starting an art journal group with some of the women I met at the therapy group. I also have two classes starting in January, one is only 4 weeks but it is the most crucial as it will be helping me with my diet issues.

Four more words to support my WORD of the year:










Saturday, December 28, 2013

4 days until 2014 - The Gifts of 2013

I have been given many gifts this year but I think the one that figures largest in my mind is the finding of a friend. Someone who has a personal history similar to  mine but also has the same kind of sense of humour I have. We have so much in common that I wonder why I haven't met her before. I hope the next year will bring more companionship and personal growth for both of us. She is fabulous! and I'm glad she likes me as I am not as my public mask.

Three words to describe 2013:  One step forward

If 2013 were the title of a book it would be called: Self Care 101

Good-byes  and Thank you's 

  1. Good-bye computer mesmer, I have managed to break your spell
  2. Thank you Community Mental Health Centre's, without you I would still be stuck in my dark cycle
  3. Good bye sloth and lethargy I am moving and don't intend to stop
  4. Thank you my friend for accepting me as I am
  5. Good-bye to living to serve now I am beginning to serve myself some life
  6. Good-bye self-pity I am my freeing myself from you slowly but surely
  7. Good-bye track pant's I am wearing blue jeans again and even zippers and buttons on my pants

Friday, December 27, 2013

5 days until 2014- Evaluating the Past Year

My 2013 was a year of major trials and surprising triumphs.

I liked the note this year is ending on. I feel I have made a positive beginning in several areas where I was stuck and stagnating.

Of the five goals I set for myself last January first I completed the first two and made progress in the others as well I added a couple of extra goals in March and was able to make progress towards them too

 Surprisingly I didn't choose a word for this past year, I couldn't settle on just one thing to focus on. I started out the year thinking about my body issues as usual then in March switched to writing then in August as usual it all fell apart and I have no idea how. The blog entries for that month doesn't tell me much at all and my memory is even worse.

I went to an Art Therapy class during the last quarter and made more progress towards my mental health goal than I did in the first three quarters so I know I find good self expression in art and hope to continue exploring it in 2014. I asked the members of my therapy group if they would be interested in joining me, several of them were glad to.

I tried to get back into dancing but I am still having issues with it. The dance group I have been longing to go to for a couple of years didn't work out for me at all. I ended up having a full blown anxiety attack. I really think it would be good for me but I just can't get my mind and body to agree. That was perhaps my greatest disappointment of the year. I had been so excited about it and I failed myself badly.

For me my greatest triumph came when I actually put on a swimsuit and took an aquafit class at the local YMCA. I am so proud of myself and I want to feel that way again. I smiled for days after that.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Let the Countdown begin ... 6 days until 2014

Good Morning!

Step one Review 2013

I took a step outside my grief and went to a couple of classes at the Mental Health Centre and contacted the Centre for Sexual Assult . I only attended a couple of sessions but that was more than I had done in a long while. That I stopped after a couple of sessions doesn't mean anything I had at least made a beginning and it lead to the Art Therapy class and my getting a counselor at the end of the year

I did not lose 52 pounds but I did take off 10 pounds and kept it off as well as tightening up some of my muscles so that my clothes fit looser than they did. It also led me to getting a YMCA membership which I have used a few times and found I like being active

I did not publish a book of poems but I certainly wrote quite a few and I also made a beginning on two books that have been rattling around in my head for years. I have not renewed my membership at WDC but am considering it as I want to keep writing and I love the format there

I found out that though I like cats for their small size I really love having a dog because they like to cuddle while cats don't much. I like Coco even though she has a few character flaws we are working on. I have to find a way to get her spayed soon so I can walk her all the time & not worry about her getting pregnant.

I have made a start on a friendship and hope it will last a long time. I like spending time with someone other than my daughter & her kids. I have also attended a couple of strictly social events and it did not go too badly

I have made a start at dealing with my emotional baggage especially the large burden of guilt I've been carrying around and I have begun to let myself feel my emotions though sometimes they seem way to strong.

I've fought with my daughter a lot this past year, part of that is the constant contact and part of it is because she seems irresponsible to me in a couple of areas I consider important though she feels the same way about me so maybe we both still need to grow up a bit.

I knit several dolls and other things though I am sure I did not come anywhere near the 300 plus creative pieces I wanted to make I am also sure that I did at least 52  so not a complete failure on my part.

I am trying to think about bad stuff but other than screwing up a bit with the money situation and a small fall several weeks ago I have had a pretty good year. For each goal I didn't reach I did manage to step forward towards it and that is all anyone can expect to do.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

A New Year Dream

If I were at a healthy weight, what would that look like?” Ideally something like this!

“What would it feel like to buy clothes in size _____?” hmm getting back down to a 10 would be nice, most of the stuff I like looks best on a size ten figure. I am currently a size 18-20. Though if I think on it even getting down to a size 14 would be pretty nice. At least when I was size 14 I didn't feel so unweildy and huge. More like a basketball and less like a beach ball

What if I didn’t have to dread getting dressed in the morning?” to be able to bend from the waist without pain, that would be heaven

“What if I could play with my kids without getting out of breath?” I'd like it even better if it didn't tire me out and hurt so much.

“What would I do differently if money were not an issue?” If money weren't an issue I would have my own private trainer and a full gym in my house not to mention my own dietician cook to buy and make healthy food and a full time housekeeper to keep the place neat and tidy so I could be a philanthropist and still be healthy

“What churches or charities would I give to if I had more than enough finances?” Anything that deals with children and abused adults. I would also support Cancer Research.

“If nothing were holding me back, what would I most like to do in life that I haven’t done?” Travel to all the places I can only dream about.

“What things did I dream about doing before life took over?” I dreamed of many things I dreamed of being a Vet, an actress, a pilot, a programmer, a writer, a story teller plus many other things

Merry Christmas!

I say Merry Christmas cause that is what it is to me!  This to all those politically correct morons out there.

I am not politically correct nor do I aspire to be. What is is what it is and what it is is what I was taught it is while growing up. Anyway .... My grandson's got major gifts this year including their very own train table like the one we saw at the Chapters store and a motoritzed Jeep.

The jeep is having battery issues but hopefully we can fix it. Got to go help clean up the mess ttyl

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Dec 17, 2014- The Ties That Bind

Christmas is less than 10 days away which means 2014 isn't far away. I downloaded a booklet yesterday that helps you create clear and obtainable goals for next year. As you know I've been in the planning stages since my birthday in October. Strangly enough it seems to be taking so much longer this year than usual. I think it is because I am starting to break free of my shell a little.

I have a headache and am not feeling so good but I wanted to at least start this but all of a sudden my inspiration is gone and all I want to do is lie down. Hopefully I'll get my head back in the game soon.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dec 15- The Doctor was right

Ok it has been a long time since I went to bed before midnight but last night I was so tired I was in bed by ten. And I was wide awake by 6 am. I mean awake and lucid even happy. It has been a long time since I woke up with a smile on my face.

The doctor said I needed to find a sleep pattern that allowed me to get adequate rest and made me feel good. Guess I've found it

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dec 12, 2013

I do not know how much longer I will have access to the internet, I owe the ISP some money and they are threatening to suspend services. As long as I can I will keep sending from here but I suspect it will be January at the earliest that I can get service back. I will send from the library when I can. So I will be around.

Since the same company handles the house phone and cable it is possible they will go too so it is going to be a long boring month around here.

Dec 12, 2013 What?

OK ... I have been pondering this question all day ... What is it about me that makes people say "you're so cute".

I have gotten that most of my life without really understanding why people consider me that. Most notably it happen's more often when I'm happy and laughing as I have been since last Tuesday after my momentous 45 minutes in the pool. I still have a hard time beleiving that was actually me in that suit.

So what makes a person "Cute" especially a woman 50+ years old? It would be nice if someone would tell me why they think I'm cute.

Friday, December 6, 2013

December 6 Don't know what to do...

Have you ever been faced with a problem that is largely of your own making but which goes counter to everything you ever thought you knew?

I have always had a problem with rules; specifically the rules that say a good parent does this and this but doesn't do this and this. Yea I'm talking around the problem cause I am still pissed off but as I said earlier it is a problem largely of my own making. I do not know when I became my daughter's caretaker, I suppose back when she was seventeen and gave birth to a still born babe. Why did I react to that? because I was the one who talked her out of going to see the doctor the day he died. We could have saved him I think if we had gone to that appointment. And she would not have carried around a dead baby inside her for three weeks which caused all kinds of health issues for her both physical and mental.

Why did I talk her out of it? Because I was tired and neither of us really wanted to face the long trip to the doctors office, at least that's the way I remember it. Anyway so I felt responsible and it took her a long time to recover even a small portion of her former self. the experience changed her, made her over compensate with GD#1 in some ways and made her become irresponsible in some ways too, specifically where money is concerned. She spends to make herself feel better the way I eat to make myself feel better. In both our cases it has a huge impact on our lives but in her case it also has a huge impact on my SIL, GS #1 & 2 and GD #1 and to a lesser extent I suppose on me.

I compensate her, is that the right word, for the privilege of allowing me to be involved in my grandchildren's lives by covering the financial shortfalls when I can and asking my exhusband for help when I can't. He has more assets than we do but really not that much money, still he will help if he is able. Getting his money back to him is an issue, for some reason my daughter figures she shouldn't have to pay him back since I never make her pay me back. This time though...

It all began back in the summer when my daughter discovered payday loans, at first it was only a couple of hundred bucks which we could cover because my SIL was getting the hours to cover the debt and still have enough left for their day to day expenses. But then one of the places he works went into quarantine and he couldn't work there for a month because he might contaminate the second place. At the same time she took out a loan that I counselled her against of $640. Without the second paycheque there was no way to pay back the loan and make sure there were sufficient money for food & diapers. The cheque she had written went to the bank and bounced. The phone calls began. I kept telling her to at least make a token payment to them but she wouldn't. It sat like that until yesterday. Yesterday while the rent was in the accound the bank reprocessed the cheque leaving us with no way to pay the rent.

We have a very precarious relationship with our landlord. He is a bit of an SOB. We pay the rent in two payments because that is the only way we can do it. Half at the first of the month and half when the Child Tax Credit comes in. We had already asked him to wait on cashing the second cheque because my daughter had miscalculated how much money she needed for Christmas shopping. If it had gone in and bounced, as it was looking last night like it would do, our landlord would have presented us with a five day eviction notice.  To help cover it my daughter had put the boys christmas present up on kijijii as well as their computer and a couple of other things. I freaked!

She has a history of buying big expensive christmas presents and having to take them back to cover one bill or another and I did not want the boys to be deprived of the nice gifts as their sister had been. After I vented some of my anger I called my ex and begged him for help, telling him to take mine and sadly GD #1's christmas gifts back to the store and send us the money instead. I offered him anything he wanted as long as he would help us out with this. Now I have added $650 to the amount we already owed him due to some of the wedding expenses; making the total we owe him about $4000. Give or take some, I have no idea how much it is or how much he has been paid because I don't know how many of the payment's I mads from their bank account she cancelled. 

This afternoon I sent him $50 from a gift they got from some people who are helping my SIL stay out of Levenworth and she got angry with me because I sent it to him rather than leaving it there for her to spend elsewhere.

My mother taught me that the bills get paid, all of them before you even think about spending money on food or anything else. Because I have been covering her financially for a decade and a half now she has no understanding of why it makes me angry when we end up in a situation like this. My problem is I don't know how to stop doing it and I really need to before my ex grabs me out of here and tells her it's up to her to sink or swim. He has already threatened to do just that, to remove me from her household to keep me safe. I understand his reasoning which is why I need to figure out how to curb my tendency to protect her and the kids all the time. Plus the inherint stress in the situation has been making me physically ill and I really don't want to get that ulcer back.

So a problem largly of my own making that is causing certain people who are important to me to use me like a bank and through me my ex. A problem I need to solve ASAP before I end up back in Toronto where I realy do not want to be.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dec 4 is it or isn't it?

I was sitting here thinking about an email I received from a friend today. She has started her journey to permanent sobriety to which I say "Go Girl" but she was concerned that because she wasn't drinking she was eating far more than she should.

I thought back to when I stopped smoking and how I felt I was eating too much to compensate for the oral satisfaction that a cigarette used to give me. I thought I was eating too much so I went online and found one of those sites where you enter everything you eat and they give you the caloric and nutritional value of what you were eating. It's important to be honest so that you can get an accurate picture but anyway, so after a week or so of keeping track I found out that I was actually starving myself.

The sad thing about people with weight issues is that often we don't know how many calories we should be eating.We assume because we are eating several times a day instead of once or twice, (as we tend to do when living with certain addictions), that we are eating too much.

I found that because I am active with my grandsons, housework and walk most places I need to go that I was not giving my body enough calories. The other issue was that I most often choose junk foods to fill in the hollow places so not only was I eating too few calories I was eating ones that don't nourish my body.

I wonder if this is the case with my friend. At Super Skinny Me  they offer a calculator that tells you how many calories your body needs in a day to keep itself running and to give you the energy you need to pursue life's little pleasures. For instance I am a 53 year old female who currently weighs 225 pounds and is 5' 1" tall to maintain my current weight I need 2006 calories a day; to begin a sensible weight loss program I need to cut that back to 1604 calories a day. These numbers are what I need without adding in any physical activity. The more active I am the more calories I can eat and still lose weight.

When I was 233lbs I did these calculations then followed up by recording what I ate and what I did every day for a week. What I found was that I was not eating enough because even walking up and down the stairs from my room to my daughters apt burned a few calories. Instead of the 500 calorie deficit per day I was actually closer to 800 calories which meant my body wasn't getting enough for even basic things like breathing and standing. Everything I've read says basically the same thing, it is as dangerous to your body to eat too few calories as it is to eat too many. Add in calorie heavy but nutritionally empty foods like potato chips and you make the whole thing worse for yourself.

To my friend and to all of you, do the calculations then go to a place like SparkPeople and record your daily food intake and your daily movement for just a week to make sure you are not fooling yourself the way I fooled myself. It is better to be sure than to be sorry.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Dec 2, 2013- Checking In

I am feeling under the weather today, big head-ache, blurry eyes and coughing up ucky green stuff. I am not sure if I have caught a cold or if the CPAP Maching needs cleaned, probably the latter. Still now that I'm using it again i am feeling more rested which means the doctor was right it is essential to a good nights sleep for me.

Oh yeah the doctor, I got a 15 minute lecture from him regarding my non-healthy lifestyle; needing a proper sleeping schedule instead of the hit & miss one I've been  using; a proper diet that includes lots of vegetables, which I would love if I could  1) afford it, 2) find the time & energy to go shopping for myself; oh yeah and the hardest one for me exercise 7 days a week for 30 minutes a day.

It's not like I don't know he's right ... again,  it comes down to finding the energy and focus to make the changes I need to make both of which seem to be in poor supply for me.

Regarding the diet part, I have decided to go with the exchange diet since it was the one that worked best for me last time I lost a lot of weight. It isn't hard to follow but it does require a lot of planning. I need to get started on that part of it so that I can actually eat the way I'm supposed to. I've been depending on them to do the cooking and I really need to start depending on myself again.

More of that later. Have a good day all

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Healthy Eating or Constructing a diet

It is probably the most difficult part of losing weight for me at least in the planning stages. Its not that I don't know what a healthy diet is or what a proper portion is. That stuff is pretty simple, where I get into trouble is the actual planning and preparation of the meals. Shopping for food, cooking it, storing it all that stuff. I don't have any idea what I'm on about. For some reason this part of the planning is out of focus and I can't get it into focus at all. I'll try again tomorrow.

Nov 23- 2014

I know I need to focus on the last two months of 2013 but my mind keeps moving into 2014, I feel like it is going to be an epic year but only if I plan it carefully and make sure I am focused on what ever it is I am going to do. My problem is I don't have a clue what is going to be that important for me to accomplish.

I can think of dozens of things that I want to do, learn, be, go to but to focus on only a few of those... I have no idea where to begin.

Focus one has to be the fitness thing, try as I might I can't put that one out of site but if I am working on it now is it for the new year or a hold over from the old year and I need to formulate other goals.

Do I need to plan it any way, yeah I know, dumb question, I do need to figure out what I can do to meet my goal of one pound a week. At the same time ....

I am having such a hard time finding the words to explain the turmoil in my head. Why does my mind keep skipping over the next 60 odd days, I can do a lot in 60 days, I know this and still I dither.

Nothing I do is pre-planned except medical appointments even the babysitting I usually only have about 12 hours notice sometimes less. I used to be able to stick to a plan, I used to have a regular routine but I lost it some how. Now I have nothing ... nothing planned, nothing organized.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Brass Ring

Definition: success or a reward that you try to achieve, often by competing against other people

I don't compete in anything, I'm just not kind of person. It has caused me some problems but I'm willing to bet it has saved me from quite a few more. Still everyone should have a brass ring, something they would like to accomplish in their lives with or without the competivness gene. For me, I suppose my brass ring right now would be to make some progress , visible progress with the weight loss game. Hmmm that was an odd choice of words but I suppose if I can see it as a game maybe I'll be willing to work hard enough to win to my goal.

The brass ring for me would be to be able to walk into Ardene and purchase one of those tee-shirts I've been admiring, yeah their for teens and tweens but heck I'm entering my second childhood so I guess I can dress like a teenager if I want.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Nov 22, 2013

So I saw the dietician today ... I was happy that I could tell her I had done my homework and even went a couple of steps further. Which seemed to please her so I was pleased. My next appointment is Jan 2nd, figured that was a good date because it is in the New Years Resolution period. If I can go back having lost another four pounds and an inch or two then I will be happier still.

My homework this next month includes watching my carb intake and keeping it to 30-45 g per meal, she even gave me a food guide that actually spells out what they consider carbs. The second thing is to take one class per week at the YMCA, I mean I have the membership, I'm paying for it so I should put it to use. If I can work it up to more than that that again will be a big plus for me. That and I need to make an appointment with a fitness trainor and actually attend the meeting.

Next week I go see my doctor about my sugar, hopefully it is at a more acceptable level than it has been. Oh yes and I am going to a Dance Your Bones next Thursday evening, I am really looking forward to that especially since I will be going with my new friend Doren


Keep Smiling

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Road Not Taken

As I sit here in the dusk of my life I wonder how would my life have been different if I hadn't gotten pregnant so young? I think about how my life could have been different if I had no struggle that final year of high school and gone into the programming program at Sir Sandford as I had planned?

Would I have passed with honours and found lucritive work some where? Would I have been able to live a proper life instead of the one I ended up living? 

It is all relative I suppose. Could have maybe completed one year of college then got pregnant or I could have completed all three years and made it to Toronto as a tax paying citizen. Instead of spending nearly thirty years living on Social Assistance I could have been a contributer. Do I regret having my children so young? Not really but sometimes I wonder.

So many circumstances would not have occured if I had completed that degree. Though nothing says that what I did have would have been better.

1) Completed programming course at Sir Sandford

2) Got in on the ground floor with Microsoft and helped create the internet

3) Continued to upgrade my skills learning or maybe even creating programming languages

4) Switch to creating web pages or databases

5) Get out before the dot com melt down

6) Retire on my income from my microsoft investments at 55


Well it is a dream life! 

Midnight Ramblings

I am preparing to take the next step in the process to obtain ODSP the last step, the legal step and my brain keeps going on about it. I think I need to get the diagnosis forms from my doctor and I need to talk to a lawyer and still it goes round and round in my head, whole conversations as if I'm talking to the  tribunal and trying to get them see that I do qualify but on and on and on and I know I don't have the paper work and I know I need to go to my doctors office on Thursday and I'm tring to figure out how I'm going to afford that. My daughter wants 240 for christmas shopping and I'm worried how I'm going to pay our bills and the rent. On and on , she wants to spend the money and pay the bills and I need money to get to the drs and I'm probably not going to be able to find it unless I ask Rob and I really don't want to ask Rob but it may be my only choice, the ODSp letter is dated for the 25th so I need to get the paper work out ASAP but I've been so sick & depressed this past three weeks that I haven't got it done. I want to sleep but my mind won't quit racing, I have to stop sleeping during the day it is really playing havoc with my body schedule. I need to get active on the weight loss stuff again. I need to deal with all the piss ant stuff that piles up all the time. I have at least managed to get my closet done and the main room though I still want to go througfh my clothes and pare it down so I have a seven day wardrobe and a few things for exercise and a couple of dress outfits and give away or toss the rest with the aim to replace everything  a piece at a time as I lose weight.Round and round my mind goes and where it stops no one knows. I want to get some sleep but it just isn't comong, I think I'm going to have to switch my medication to the mornings but then I'll end up even more tired than I have been. I need to stop sleeping and get on with life, I slept , have slept most of the days from Wednesday to today and I can't keep doing that, I really can't. It interferes with getting the things taken care of that need to be taken care of. I am supposed to do a budget and a grocery list for Ness & dean and I keep wondering why I'm still doing it after a yerar, she just doesn't get it and he is so worried about upsetting her that he lets her spwend even when he know he shouldn't. It the whirl finally slowing down. It would be nice if it would, The ODSP stuff is heavy, heavy on my mind because I have left myaself so little time. I hope I can get the paperwork and the legal stuff straightened out this week, It's all the time I have left. The doctor will see me near the end of the month and he is going to be disgusted because I haven't been trying very hard to fix the weight issues even though my body reminds me daily the wear and tear carrying an extra hundred pounds does. Roundy round, roundy round please my brain settle down so I can sleep. Even concentrating on my breathe didn't help I just kept going back over the same thoughts, I am unable to work, hell I'm unable to care for myself because of the depression and the fibro and even losing weight ias not going to eliminate either problem, if anything it will make it worse because I will need to find another way to cope besides eating anf playing computer games once the weight is under control, so I don't regain it and put myself into one of those awful diet spirals again. It's bad enough with the depression

On & on round and round but I am finally yawning and feeling tired so maybe it was enough.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Non-Confidence Vote- Nov 17

If you are looking for a political discussion you are in the wrong place. I have voted myself non-confident. I was sitting here tonight and realized that during the last week I have eaten a lot of chocolate. I have been sick and depressed for a few weeks now but this was the worst week yet. I slept from Wednesday all the way through to Friday with brief periods of conciousness to empty my bladder and engage in some games that require no thinking. Oh yes and to eat and boy have I eaten chocolate & chips mainly. Talk about eating unconciously, it took me until just about an hour ago to realize just what I have been doing to myself. All the progress I made since Sept gone, lost in the morass that is depression.

The trigger started with the letter saying my latest bid for ODSP had been denied. Followed closly by my fathers death day and his birthday, plus the illness I suffered after I got my flu shot. So much has happened since the tenth of October. I think I am on the mend but the next couple of days will tell. Especially Monday as I need to make a couple of very inportant phone calls. I have lost the final notice from the Board of Social Services regarding the ODSP and I need to see if I can get it replaced or at least get a look at it as I do not know where it came from and I need that information before I can face the tribunal and I do not have much time left to make the appeal.

For the life of me I can not remember where I put that letter. I tore this place apart looking for it today with no luck, I am hoping it is down on Nessa's desk, otherwise I am screwed. Wish me luck!

Friday, November 8, 2013

November 8th - More Madness

I sit here cursing this computer because even as I type this I figure you won't see it online before the 10th. This blasted box is having connection issues right, left and centre and as if that were not enough I have a pain in my gut and another in my hips that won't go away.

I could and will blame the hips on all the rain and cold weather we have experienced for the last eight days, the pain in my gut well that is new or rather a renewal of an old pain. The last time I had it the H Pylorii were having a party in my intestines I think they might have recovered enough to have another one. Or maybe it is just the physical manifestation of the stress I have been feeling regarding this whole weight loss thing. It seems to me that I am terrified to actually do anything physically active beyond the walking I need to do to get around. The why is hideous and silly and sad, I feel like a cask just waiting for some big muscular dude to come along and roll me down the street.  Or a more apt word picture might be a big pumpkin in an asparagus patch.

I know I need to do this, I know I should do this but I really don't want to go into a class full of other people and see myself as that one fat person who keeps acting like she's thin, which makes her look like a fool infront of the others in the class. Do I know it wouldn't be like that? Of course I do, I've seen one of the classes I'm interested in during a session, they do not look that much different than me in size and age range but still I hesitate, still when I think about going everything tenses up and the cramps in my gut get worse.

Irrational fear, totally and completely irrational but it stops me, causes me to second guess myself and avoid putting myself into the preceived bad position

stupid, stubborn and bordering on madness my fear of being laughed at or made fun of surfaces at the most unexpected moments. As mental blocks in is simplistic and you would think easily overcome but after nearly 50 years of harbouring it, it is so ingrained on my brain that it overwhelms all my common sense.

Almost time for bed, more later.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

November 5th- Mesurement Madness

To Re-iterate the main goal is to lose 100 lbs in 100 weeks. Since that is two years and 2 months I think I need to break it down into much smaller chunks so that i can give myself a reward several times before I reach my ultimate goal and the ultimate prize, (a new wardrobe that I actually like). Before I get to that though I need to get a few things recorded and to set a decent recording schedule.

Height 5 feet 1 inch

Weight 225.8 lbs taken at 9:14 AM in my birthday suit before I eat or drink anything

  • Bust: 49"
  • Chest: 41.5"
  • Waist: 47"
  • Hips: 52.75"
  • Midway: 53.5"
  • Thighs: 27 7/8"
  • Knees: 19 2/3"
  • Calves: 16.5"
  • Upper arm: 17"
  • Forearms: 12 2/3"

Directions on how to take these mesurements was found at Super Skinny Me as were all of the following calculators unless I say otherwise.

Also this article suggests you take the measurements every couple of weeks so that will be my recording schedule, twice a month on the 1st and the 15th

Waist to Hip Ratio calculator says mine is 0.89 the recommended ratio is 0.85 or less for women with the ulitimate goal of 0.7 which is the ratio calculated to be considered the most attractive to men

The Body Fat calculator says I am 63.2 % body fat. The site I used suggest this is only a ballpark figure and to get a more accurate picture I can use body fat calipers or have a procedure  called Bioelectrical Impedience (BIA) The ideal level for women my age is 16-25 % so I definitly have a lot of work ahead of me. This is one of the caculations I will have to do multiple rewards for.

At this point you may be wondering why I am doing all these calculations. I am doing them because I want to get as accurate as possible image of my current physical shape so that I can have multiple ways to measure progress. The more good news I can generate for myself the better.

Body Type is needed to find an accurate ideal weight. Using the calculator at Super Skinny Me I have been found to have a large bone structure. According to their Ideal weight Calculator I should be in the 125-140 lb range which I already knew. My ultimate goal is 125 lbs but I would be happy with 130 lbs

My BMI is 42.7 which puts me at Obesity level 3 which is the highest the chart goes, in other words in the worst category possible with the most chances of death from some fat related disease. For comparison sakes the chart also says my ideal BMI would be 22- 27

Next comes the final measurements

Basal Metabolic Rate: 1671 calories. This is how many calories my body needs at rest. This is the base the others need to be calculated from.

1) This is without an exercise program:

Maintenance: 2006 calories. This is how much I need to consume to remain at this weight

Weight Loss: 1604 calories. This is the amount I should eat to facilitate weight loss

Extreme Weigh loss: 1203 calories. This is the quick/ kick start level.
2) If I throw in a 3x a week exercise program it looks more like this:

Maintenance: 2298 calories. This is how much I need to consume to remain at this weight

Weight Loss: 1838 calories. This is the amount I should eat to facilitate weight loss

Extreme Weigh loss: 1379 calories. This is the quick/ kick start level.
3) And if I ramp it up to 30 minutes every day it looks like this:

Maintenance: 2737 calories. This is how much I need to consume to remain at this weight

Weight Loss: 2189 calories. This is the amount I should eat to facilitate weight loss

Extreme Weigh loss: 1642 calories. This is the quick/ kick start level.

The doctor has actually suggested the last one and I think for myself this is a good idea; first because it gets me away from the computer for at least half an hour a day and two because if I get to choose which days to work out I'll choose none.

Over 700 days which is the time period I am allowing myself I need a calorie deficet of 500 calories a day. As per normal this is devided into two categories, less food going in and more calories being spent during physical activity.

Just a couple of more things to check. If I go with option 3 and the kick start for 28 days then I need to figure out how many units of fats, carbs & proteins I need to eat to obtain that caloric intake.

Carbs: 55%

Protein: 25%

Fats: 20%

Assuming I eat five times a day the breakdown looks like this:

Gen       Carbs             Protein          Fat       
Grams/ day225g102g36g
Grams/ meal45g20.4g7.2g
Calories/ day903 cals411 cals328 cals
Calories/ meal180.6 cals82.2 cals65.6 cals

After the 28 days I'll switch it to the higher level

Gen       Carbs             Protein          Fat       
Grams/ day300g136g48g
Grams/ meal60g27.2g9.6g
Calories/ day1204 cals547 cals438 cals
Calories/ meal240.8 cals109.4 cals87.6 cals

At some point near the end of the 700 days this will become my maintenance diet as well

The last calculator is the exercise calculator or how many calories would I burn in 30 minutes doing a certain activity. For now I  copy and paste the list. Tomorrow or the next day I will be back to turn all these calculations into a plan.


Walking 3.5 mph (17 min/mile)
Weight Lifting (moderate)
Walking 4 mph (15 min/mile)
Weight Lifting (vigorous)
Walking 4.5 mph (13 min/mile)
Walking/ Jogging
Racquetball: casual, general
Running 5 mph (12 min/mile)
Racquetball (competitive)
Running 5.2 mph (11.5 min/mile)
Volleyball (non-competitive play)
Running 6 mph (10 min/mile)
Volleyball (competitive play)
Running 6.7 mph (9 min/mile)
Beach Volleyball
Running 7.5 mph (8 min/mile)
Running 8.6 mph (7 min/mile)
Running 10 mph (6 min/mile)
Wheelchair Basketball
Cross-Country Running
Rollerblading/ Inline Skating
Running (pushing wheelchair, marathon wheeling)
Rock Climbing - rapelling
Hiking: cross-country
Rock Climbing - ascending
Stair/ Step Machine
Horseback Riding
Ski Machine
Skiing - downhill
Rowing, Stationary (moderate)
Cross-Country Skiing
Rowing, Stationary (vigorous)
Snow Shoeing
Bicycling, Stationary (moderate)
Ice Skating
Bicycling, Stationary (vigorous)
Golf - carrying clubs
Bicycling 12-13.9 mph
Golf (using cart)
Bicycling 14-15.9 mph
BMX/ Mountain Biking
Water Skiing
Circuit Training
Whitewater Rafting, Kayaking
Rope Jumping
Water Polo
Aerobics (low impact)
Aerobics (high impact)
Step Aerobics (low impact)
Martial Arts
Step Aerobics (high impact)
Boxing - sparring
Water Aerobics
Football (touch, flag, general)
Football (competitive)

Friday, November 1, 2013

Nov 1, 2013: Battle 1: Losing Weight

The reasons for this battle are many but boil down to three:

  1. If I don't chances are good I will have a fatal heart-attack & die before I am 55 which is only two years away.
  2. The doctor has become involved and says that many of the illnesses I am currently dealing with have a link to morbid obesity and that if I want them to go away I must deal with that & quickly
  3. I have reason to believe that my size has contributed to my lack of employability, there simply isn't enough space between the counter & the prep areas to accommodate my girth and fellow employees without collisions happening which could result in physical damage to my fellow employees and to myself therefore at my current size I am dangerous to other employees.

The ultimate goal:
To go from a weight of 225 lbs to a weight of 125 lbs. To reduce my measurements by 30% and the total fat content of my body from it's current amount which gives me a BMI of 42.5 to a much healthier 24.6


Other than the reasons given above why do I want to lose weight:

  • I am sick & tired of having to turn sideways to go through turnstiles
  • I want to play with my grandsons for more than a few minutes instead of having to stop because I am tired out and having trouble catching my breath
  • I want to be able to walk without it hurting my knees and killing my feet
  • I want to be able to wear nice clothes again rather than living in track pants & T-shirts
  • I want to be rid of the pain & depression associated with being over-weight
  • I want to live to see 100 years. I think 2060 is going to be fantastic
  • I want to be able to work at a Tim Hortons and do really well at it and I can't do that unless I get small enough I will fit behind the counter
  • I want to fit comfortably on a bike and behind a steering wheel
  • I am tired of being tired all the time & I feel that if my heart and lungs have less weight to push around maybe I will have enough energy to take part in a marathon


The method in general terms: Lose weight by changing my diet to a healthier one, taking part in more physical activity, get counselling for dealing with the mental and emotional reasons behind my current eating habits.

The resources I will be using to help me in the battle:

YMCA membership & the help of a certified trainer for 6 weeks

Controlling portions using the accepted mesurements perscribed by the Canadian Diabetic Association

Counselling programs aimed specifically at persons with weight issues starting with Craving Change

I have a number of books in my library which I will read and follow their training plans


Measurements and a more detailed plan is in the works and will be available next Friday. I invite you all along on this journey with me, maybe we can help each other.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Oct 28, 2013 - Catching up

I had a fun week in Toronto! I got to participate in a taping of the I Love Lucy! show at a local theatre and I spent two days at Creativfest filling my well with color and form and all kinds of fiber crafts. I did not get to take the classes I wanted to take but that was my own fault. The first day I completely missed the aisle the booth was in that I wanted to go to and Saturday I had the girls with me so I had to keep a close eye on them. Neither of them are used to a big city like Toronto, where we live is less than a tenth the size of that city.

I picked up a lot of material so that I can get started on the rag doll and a couple of other projects I've been considering, since I sew by hand I chose small projects like project bags and a needle holder. I also picked up a quilt top which I want to put a backing on and quilt it for a baby blanket or a wall hanging, depends on what type of material I put on the back. For certain I will be sewing around the image to make it more three dimensional

November is National Novel Writing Month and I have promised myself that I will write 2-5000 words a day if I do 2000 words a day in 30 days I will have 60,000 words which is a respectable size for a novel I think though if I could get the 5000 words a day that would be a very good size for a book, a 100,000 words is pretty average.

I had planned on beginning aquafitness classes today but it depends on how I feel after I am done at the counsellors, either way though I need to get a tour of the YMCA, I have never been past the lobby of the new one. At least I have a swimsuit which is one less excuse not to do this.

Anyway got to get dressed, take Coco out and then head to my appointment.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Lightbulb Moment

I was sitting on my bed this morning after really looking at myself naked in a mirror this morning. Like most women of a certain age and girth I tend to avoid doing that as it is extremely depressing. Hey I'm 5' 1" and 225 odd pounds it's depressing add the drooping ladies and you get a very depressing picture.

Anyway I was sitting on the edge of the bed thinking about that image and life in general since I've been visiting my ex and I came to two conclusions.

One visiting this place for an extended length of time is not good for me. I fall into old protective patterns that I thought I had moved past.

Second I have a real issue with impulse control. Of the two things I am resolved to work on this one because I think it is the singular most debilitating and counter-productive trait I have. If I can control it a lot of things could become easier including losing the hundred plus pounds I'm carrying around.

So far from what I've read over-eating is an attempt to fill some kind of internal void, now I know I'm way out of touch with my emotions, I don't react emotionally to much. Some of the other stuff I've read says that impulse shopping is about the thrill of ownership. Since my impulses currently run around my weight issues I am hoping that it is only an attempt to fill the hole left by the missing emotions and not a death wish. In my reading I found this:

So I hear you asking, “Dr. Hokemeyer, what is the solution?” In my experience, the solution begins with the following 2 steps:

Step 1: Identify the Behavior
  • Make a list of your self-defeating reactions. Whatever they are (eating, drinking, smoking, yelling at another person) write them down.
  • Take the list and post it somewhere you will see it daily (the bathroom mirror is a great place).
  • Share this list with another person you trust. Negative behaviors thrive in isolation. Our secrets keep us sick.
  • By identifying the impulsive behaviors that get you into trouble and sharing them with another human being you can begin developing a consciousness that will enable you to avoid being controlled and defeated by your emotions.
Step 2: Develop Healthy Coping Skills
  • Through the awareness you developed in step 1, you can now experiment with healthy coping skills that serve instead of defeat you.
  • Some of these skills may include: counting from 1 to 10  (my personal favorite), walking away from a troubling situation or reaching out to a friend for comfort and support.
  • What’s important to remember is that, just like each individual has different triggers, each of us will have different coping skills that work for us in different ways. Give yourself room to experiment and don’t give up if you don’t immediately succeed. Try and try again.
Since you dear readers are the only ones I really trust I am sharing this with you.

Self-defeating habits:
1) If there is candy, ice cream or potato chips available in the house I will eat them usually within a single day of their arrival
2) I sleep when I get bored or if I want to avoid doing something
3) If I begin to think of anything as "exercise" I avoid it as much as possible (is that an impulse thing? Laziness for certain but I'm not sure about impulse)
4) Scratching everywhere all the time no idea why.

I can't think of anything else right at the moment but if I do I'll add it... I just had an amusing thought, up until a year ago I would have added seeking sex or participating in sexual behavior to that list, these days it just doesn't exist for me. Maybe that is part of the void I'm trying to fill. Emotionally stunted that is for certain. Time to go research some coping skills and prepare a list for displaying