Tuesday, May 28, 2013

8:19 Am Tues May 28, 2013

Pain so much pain in my lower back but oddly enough not pain I associate with my fibro, need to eliminate yes , a reminder of the first time I mussed up my back that too today but not fibro. The neck and shoulders are fibro as are the arms and knees I think. Some of the "reminder pain" I associate with the bruising I got when we had the accident in the truck in 1981 but the rest I am not sure. The therapist says our body remembers our hurts  even if we don't or was that the mind remebers, either way I have suffered a lot of body brusing over the years though I think the emotional bruising is far worse, what else can I think when my apparent lack of feelings of any sort cut me off from the women I might call friends. How else to explain a single remark causing me to stop doing something I really wanted to do. That remark is in my head still and it has been months yet. I need to explore it to figure out what happened inside my brain. I stop going to group and I became even more isolated and depressed. It seems my mind keeps going over and over it so....

me: I am obviously overweight and my goal would be to walk every day"

Relative stranger-Male-Peer: First of all I object to her use of obviously, who is to say rather she does or does not need to lose weight... (there was more but that is all I remember)

me: The doctors say ( I was blind with rage, how dare he say that my fatness was not obvious, it is there for all to see, and I have doctors orders and observations by trained professionals, plus a whole host of other tests that say I am too heavy and that that weight is eventually going to kill me, thank god)

Got it, he was attempting to get me to view the weight less as a handicap and more of a challenge, my reaction was way out of line because I want to be fat, I want people to know I'm fat , I want them to feel sorry for me, and I want to die still even if it is the slow death of a one body function after another shutting down or my heart just giving up before the rest of my body does. I felt that he was lessening my pain and thus lessening me. Wow that is a bad, weird thought but the more I explore my thoughts the more I find barriers like this in it. Like the reason I am having such a hard time focusing on June is because I know it is going to be a bad month emotionally as May was and for much the same reason, my father is dead so Father's Day is a reminder of what I lost only a little over a year ago and it is also the anniversary of my mothers death also on Fathers Day weekend. I wish I could choose rather or not I would spiral into deep depression during that week. I wish I could find another way to deal with the pain of those three days my mother has been dead a long time, twenty years this year, strange it does not feel like that long. I forgot that Sandy's girls and Sara never knew her, I guess those Christmas's before Dad's house was sold were good Christmas's for them.


My mind went to a day a couple of months back when a stranger asked Sandy and I if we were twins and we said no, I said there were 11 years between us she said 10, it is an old routine for us, both of us are technically right, if you count the months from Oct to Jan I am 11 years older than her, from Jan to October I am 10 years older than her, it just how it works but it is an old routine between us as I said. Anyway he said there was no mistaking that we wre sisters and Sandy and I both said or was it just me, anyway I said that we look like our mother, Sandy and I looked at each other and smiled, that  is the closest I've felt to her in a long time and she is actually my favorite sister. Sister Cindy and I just never quite made it to the friends stage but I think that was probably more my fault than hers, I was six when she came along and I had been the only girl for those six years, it was a bit of a shock to me. I suppose I should take the time to tell her that, I do love her, I stopped hating her a long time ago but her I'm better than you attitude bugs me especially when she fell into the same tra as I did the first time she got pregnant. Plus she seems willing to take what crumbs she can get from Tim if it means she gets to spend time with his girls and I refused to settle for crumbs. I do not think we are that different inside we just choose to live our lives differently.

Monday, May 27, 2013

11:28 PM Mon May 27, 2013

I have been trying to figure out what June needs to be for me challenge wise and I keep coming back to fitness and risk. My head hurts but I had to get this out of it before I went to sleep. I like to Journal, I like to blog and for the last few months I have been working along with Blogher to create something new for my blog every day, though some of my answers to their prompts are short and to the point. I can't do this right now but I need to else I will be up for hours with it running around in my head. If I chose to take the month off there is no way I'd get back to blogging or anything else anytime soon, like not until fall turns me inward again and I really don't want to do that. I just don't know

Friday, May 24, 2013

Morning Papers

Trying to figure out why I am always behind or ahead in my daily planning today, I decided to download one of those daily timesheet templates to track it, lost my train of thought there for a moment. I am also using Scribefire to write this and any otherblog entries I do so that I can track the number of words. I read somewhere that Morning Papers in order to actually get into your sub-concious must  be a minimum of 750 words I guess that's how long it takes to get past all the garbage and control to get to the stuff that is really bothering you or that you need to get out of your head and if you can't think of anything to write, write I can't think of anything to write until another thought takes it's place it does eventually, I tried that a couple of days ago and it really worked. My eyse feel heavy and my head is aching but I am awake and functioning and my coffee is waiting for  me, I feel tired today like I didn't sleep well and I think I might have a chest cold I just coughed and it hurt, mind you  it's hard to identify every pain and figure out if it is old or new since the fibro makes every muscle and bone ache, even my eyes are watery today and feel full of grit  I don't know if I'm tired or just focused or could be something else entirely, all I know is that it is cold and wet outside and my shoulders are aching and my head feels stuffy. Poor rob his allergies are in ful swing I don't have as severe a reaction to the pollen in the air but it does bother me a little. Lost in a dream world she wanders hither and you. She seekd something but has no idea what only that it was urgent she find it. That sounds like a line from one of the books I have read though from long ago and in a much nicer time, I used to know happy once in awhile noe I feel nothing except andger and I have nothing except fatigue and pain. So the day goes, so my personal; story goes, I an in the middle of writing a book of poetry but instead of just the barest draft I am actually working on polishing them, poetry apparently isn't just about putting words down on papre in verse form but also making sure it meets certain standards like conveying the mood you want to convey and actually haveing a good neat beat or just rolling off the toungue easily. just because it sounds good when I first write it doesn't mean it is. Yeasterday I began to take  one of my poems apart and discovered that the beat iambic pentameter in poetry speak was all wrong for the form I had chosen, speaking it didn't feel natural and that is how it makes the reader feel, if the stress in a word is in one place and the stress in the form is in another it doesn't flow well. I only discovered that latly. So the poem I was supposed to write had ten syllables in each line and every secon sylable was to be stressed as da-DUM but a lot of the words I used the stress was in the wrong syllble for instance in the word alive the A is the stressed syllable  so it would not work in the position it was in. Read these two sentences aloud and see if you can figure out which one fits the da-DUM daDum rhythm I am trying to create:

I am alive

I alive am

I and am can be stressed or not depending on how you are using them 

the first line in rhythm speak  "i AM A live" or da-Dum Dum-da

while the second one  is "i A live AM" or da-Dum da-Dum which matches what I was trying to achieve except that it sounds like Yoda speak so I need to find a different way to say it  that can  use the word alive with it's stressed A in a sentence that matches the da-Dum da-Dum beat I am trying to achieve

so be A live And live  which matched the beat but still isn't a very good sentence and when you figure you need five of those da-Dums per line finding the right words can be difficult. I spent a good hour working on the poem that line gomes from and only managed to get three correct lines out of the nine I need for the form

Well that's all for now ttyl

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Morning Papers

I am running late today, I just didn't want to get up. For someone who was glad to get out of the rat race I still structure my days. It is the only way I know to keep myself from doing nothing all day or playing endless games like Farmville or Cafe World. It's easy to keep oneself busy but it really doesn't help one in any way. Except to fill the tedium of Days without hope or energy. I have been so busy with writing.com that I just haven't been in either place for a while. Cafe World it has to be nearly six months, Farmville I played last month but I don't think I've played it at all this month.It was a time filler but when you go back and find all of your fields dead all the time you just don't want to play. If you miss even one day you lose most of your crops. It just isn't worth the annoyance it causes. I was working on getting trading certificates for all of the farms so I could set them up in individual and unique ways like one where all the animals live and one where all the trees are kept, one where it is always summer or holds all the things I associate with autumn, silly stuff like that. Ok time to go to school ttyl

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

May 22

Do you do your best work when you're feeling comfortable or when you're feeling a little uncertain?

I have never thought about it, I suppose when I feel a little uncertain because then I want to make it as nice as possible, if I were comfortable it would be a mumbly, jumbly mess like my journal.


Photo of the Day: Change

I was just thinking about this last night. A dozen years in October since our friends got married and a dozen years since things were really good between the Professor and I


A dozen years has changed my face a lot and my body too. It hurts sometimes to look at myself as I am now and know that I have done this to myself. What's more I have done it willingly.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Morning Papers

Here I am back again to a routine I need but sometimes forget to do ty7ping is not the same as writing but it is all I want to do, I should have set my timer but for now I will keep going. I jusy came through a really rough patch it is May and you would think the birth of a second grandson would make it less painful but still when May I comes I start to get sad  around the 10th and it doesn't go away for a week sometimes more. You see this week Mother's day and My parents anniversary occur, with my mother passing away 13 years ago you would think the grief less but it still come and haunts me, June & father's day will be worse I think because June is when my mother passed, she passed just after father's day that year. Then with my dad passing two years ago in October, father's day has become another bomb on my already loaded trigger list. I will need to start dealing with those triggers so what ever years I have left can be less sad. Anyway even Aidan's birthday could not help me shake the blues for more than an hour or two. THere was a delightful lightening storm last night, first one of the season and I loved it the electricity in the air gave me a real lift though I'm feeling a bit tired and blue today because the sun id gone again. Hmm I wonder if I should be doing these in scribefire, it is the only blogging software I am willing to use, I tried another one and it messed me up royaly adding so much code that my upload was nearly doubled.
I have been busy, I have finally found a way to be the student I always wanted to be for free. I liked About U but it just isn't enough, then I discoered the cources at Itunes U and they were a little better but this new site I've found called Coursea is really neat because the classes are free and they are taught by college and university professionals. I am trying the first one out this week and so far I am loving it.

Today I am grateful for:
Lightening storms-I love watching Mother Nature in all of her glory!
Online friends who get me actually moving forward in my life instead of standing still
Spring because it brings back the green and other colors into the world

Well that sentence could have been formatted better but that's what happens when you just start typing without thinking about it

I have been taking Grammar classes and I am finding it is helping a lot with my writing. I was going to do say goodbye but this is what happens sometimes the words relizing they need an outlet keep bubbling up and I have to keep putting them down, Along with the Grammar classes I am taking a couple of reviewing classes to help me learn by critiquing other peoples work. They can get quire involved sometimes. Right now I need to stop I need coffee and I want to eat my breakfast.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

May 11

I have not been to my parents grave in over a year, it is a long drive and when I do get there I always come away sadder than I was when I set out for the trip. I find it better for me if I write about them and my life and what I know of them rather than go to the place where their bones rest. Remembering them when they were alive is how they would prefer I did it I think. In the end they only found peace when they died but their lives are worth remembering to help me deal with the illness I inherited from both of them. They found peace and they are happy Honouring them is done with every action or inaction I take that is an echo of how they lived and what they wanted for us. Given my behaviour of recent years I haven't done that but my excuse is a lot of stuff happened over the last five years that have made me a very different person from who I used to be and remembering them alive or dead does not help me at all