Monday, October 28, 2013

Oct 28, 2013 - Catching up

I had a fun week in Toronto! I got to participate in a taping of the I Love Lucy! show at a local theatre and I spent two days at Creativfest filling my well with color and form and all kinds of fiber crafts. I did not get to take the classes I wanted to take but that was my own fault. The first day I completely missed the aisle the booth was in that I wanted to go to and Saturday I had the girls with me so I had to keep a close eye on them. Neither of them are used to a big city like Toronto, where we live is less than a tenth the size of that city.

I picked up a lot of material so that I can get started on the rag doll and a couple of other projects I've been considering, since I sew by hand I chose small projects like project bags and a needle holder. I also picked up a quilt top which I want to put a backing on and quilt it for a baby blanket or a wall hanging, depends on what type of material I put on the back. For certain I will be sewing around the image to make it more three dimensional

November is National Novel Writing Month and I have promised myself that I will write 2-5000 words a day if I do 2000 words a day in 30 days I will have 60,000 words which is a respectable size for a novel I think though if I could get the 5000 words a day that would be a very good size for a book, a 100,000 words is pretty average.

I had planned on beginning aquafitness classes today but it depends on how I feel after I am done at the counsellors, either way though I need to get a tour of the YMCA, I have never been past the lobby of the new one. At least I have a swimsuit which is one less excuse not to do this.

Anyway got to get dressed, take Coco out and then head to my appointment.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Lightbulb Moment

I was sitting on my bed this morning after really looking at myself naked in a mirror this morning. Like most women of a certain age and girth I tend to avoid doing that as it is extremely depressing. Hey I'm 5' 1" and 225 odd pounds it's depressing add the drooping ladies and you get a very depressing picture.

Anyway I was sitting on the edge of the bed thinking about that image and life in general since I've been visiting my ex and I came to two conclusions.

One visiting this place for an extended length of time is not good for me. I fall into old protective patterns that I thought I had moved past.

Second I have a real issue with impulse control. Of the two things I am resolved to work on this one because I think it is the singular most debilitating and counter-productive trait I have. If I can control it a lot of things could become easier including losing the hundred plus pounds I'm carrying around.

So far from what I've read over-eating is an attempt to fill some kind of internal void, now I know I'm way out of touch with my emotions, I don't react emotionally to much. Some of the other stuff I've read says that impulse shopping is about the thrill of ownership. Since my impulses currently run around my weight issues I am hoping that it is only an attempt to fill the hole left by the missing emotions and not a death wish. In my reading I found this:

So I hear you asking, “Dr. Hokemeyer, what is the solution?” In my experience, the solution begins with the following 2 steps:

Step 1: Identify the Behavior
  • Make a list of your self-defeating reactions. Whatever they are (eating, drinking, smoking, yelling at another person) write them down.
  • Take the list and post it somewhere you will see it daily (the bathroom mirror is a great place).
  • Share this list with another person you trust. Negative behaviors thrive in isolation. Our secrets keep us sick.
  • By identifying the impulsive behaviors that get you into trouble and sharing them with another human being you can begin developing a consciousness that will enable you to avoid being controlled and defeated by your emotions.
Step 2: Develop Healthy Coping Skills
  • Through the awareness you developed in step 1, you can now experiment with healthy coping skills that serve instead of defeat you.
  • Some of these skills may include: counting from 1 to 10  (my personal favorite), walking away from a troubling situation or reaching out to a friend for comfort and support.
  • What’s important to remember is that, just like each individual has different triggers, each of us will have different coping skills that work for us in different ways. Give yourself room to experiment and don’t give up if you don’t immediately succeed. Try and try again.
Since you dear readers are the only ones I really trust I am sharing this with you.

Self-defeating habits:
1) If there is candy, ice cream or potato chips available in the house I will eat them usually within a single day of their arrival
2) I sleep when I get bored or if I want to avoid doing something
3) If I begin to think of anything as "exercise" I avoid it as much as possible (is that an impulse thing? Laziness for certain but I'm not sure about impulse)
4) Scratching everywhere all the time no idea why.

I can't think of anything else right at the moment but if I do I'll add it... I just had an amusing thought, up until a year ago I would have added seeking sex or participating in sexual behavior to that list, these days it just doesn't exist for me. Maybe that is part of the void I'm trying to fill. Emotionally stunted that is for certain. Time to go research some coping skills and prepare a list for displaying

Friday, October 11, 2013

Adventure 1: My Now Self

STEP 1: Describe your self fully . Include emotional, intellectual and physical descriptions. Describe both your good qualities and your bad habits. Mention your special abilities as well as your limitations. Write about the things that make you feel fulfilled and happy, as well as about the things that sadden or anger you . Is there a motto by which you live?
Include everything you believe to be true about yourself. Please do not use other peoples opinions about you. For the purpose of Re-creating Your Self, the only important opinions are your own

Don't worry about the quality, quantity or style of your writing. They don't matter. Some students write four or five pages, others barely fill one page. If you write your true feelings about who you are, this first Re-Creating Your Self adventure will be successful. No time limit is recommended; set your own pace.

STEP 2:  After you have written Your Now Self Profile, go back and read what you've written. Have you left out anything? Do you disagree with something you have written? The purpose of adventure 1 is to define Your Now Self as completely and accurately as possible. Your pencil/computer has an eraser; feel free to use it.

My Now Self by Cheryl-ann Marois

Physical: This is the easiest one for me because it is where my mind is right now. 5' 1" 214 226 lbs. So dangerously obese which slows me down and makes me hurt a lot. Easily tired out but I don't sleep well due to sleep apnea. If my mind doesn't chase worries round and round have imaginary conversations my legs jump. Moderately active, I walk on average 3 times a week, I go up and down stairs a dozen times a day. I do not shower as often as I should because I suffer from Fibro which means the step up into the tub and the scrubbing hurts and sometimes even when I'm not in pain I am feeling depressed. I help out with my grandsons but don't spend as much time running after them as my daughter. I  also help out with the cooking and cleaning but not as much as I should I spend most of my time by myself in my room on my computer because it's easier than going out and trying to make friends.. I read a lot of fantasy and alternate world fiction because it takes me to a place where magic is real and good manners and good behavior are worth something. I know I need to be more active but most days I just don't care enough or have enough energy to do something about it.

Intellectual: I am of average intelligence with a strong affinity to writing particularly poetry which has been my vehicle of self-expression since I was a teenager Although I do have two fiction books in preliminary form. I often act dumber than I am so people won't ask me to do things I don't feel capable of doing though I probably am I just don't feel confident to try I don't want to do or am not confident enough to try. My need to learn new things is strong but my interest tends to peter out when I reach minimal competency. I get bored and want to try the next thing on my list of things I want to learn about. Quite often I'll get halfway or three-quarters of the way through a project and just stop because I am getting bored with it.

Emotional: My mother always said I was high-strung which the dictionary defines as "Tending to be very nervous and easily excited"... I used to be then I had a nervous breakdown that took me years to recover from and during that time I locked my emotions away. They are still locked away except for the odd searing slash of anger. I trust no one, no one gets past the acquaintance stage because I don't allow it. If I start to feel like someone might actually care about me or that I might care about them I do whatever is in my power to discourage them and myself to make them back away. I try to be truthful but I always feel like everyone I talk to is only telling me a half-truth or an out-right lie. Trust is a big, big issue for me! I even find myself distrusting my The Professor sometimes and he has never given me any reason to.

Step 1 completed for mow. I'll read it over tomorrow and make any changes or additions I deem are needed.
Step 2 completed. Going to be a bit before I can get to the next one because I am in Toronto and don't have them on my laptop.