Tuesday, December 31, 2013

1 Day until 2014

Mapping the Next year is the Goal for today and doing some brain storming. It is early in the day and while I made a start yesterday at Pininterest I am no where near finished.  What do you think? Not bad for a beginning
My Map
Happy New Years Eve Day!

Monday, December 30, 2013

2 days until 2014 - Fast-Forward to Dec 2014

December 31, 2014

In my head I am less fractured, my past has been unraveled and re-knit into a stronger, healthier self.

I have found 175 pounds again and am stronger, fitter than I have been in a long time. My depression and the Fibro are better due to the healthier lifestyle.

I have published my poetry e-zine and completed the first story of Woulf.

I got through the wedding and honeymoon without any major hitches. Everything was beautiful and everyone got paid on time. My GD #1's sweet sixteen went off without a hitch too

I am up to date with all of my bills and so are my daughter & SIL. I have my ODSP and we are finally managing to put some money aside towards a house.

I have a small group of friends I get together with on a weekly basis. We do lots of things together including a weekly drumming session and an art journal session.

I am dancing again and have attended "Dance Your Bones" half a dozen times and even managed to stay for a couple of complete sessions.

It has been a great year!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

3 Days until 2014 - Choosing a word for the year

I had a hard time choosing the word that best describes the year I would like to have. I knew it would have to encompass movement and momentum and my hope to not only keep moving but to improve other areas of my life as well.

Living it would include doing the 30 min a day of exercise the doctor would like to see me doing, it would see me spending time in more social situations, it would see me building some savings and it would see me recovering more of the original Cherylann.

Breathing it would mean I suffer from a little less depression and even when I am down I keep moving towards my goals. It means working through bad pain days instead of using them as an excuse to stop not just for that day but for many days.

I have made a small start this year by attending the Art therapy group and spending time with my friend and even touching base with old friends and family. I've also started therapy and it is going to get even more intense in the new year. I have gone to the weight room and an aqua fit class and definitly intend to continue.

Bringing more forward movement into my life will include going to the Y five times a week, it means deepening my therapy so I can deal with all those festering wounds in my soul, it means attending and participating in some of the local social events, in paticular I am looking to join a knitting group  and maybe take part in a poetry slam or something similar. I am starting an art journal group with some of the women I met at the therapy group. I also have two classes starting in January, one is only 4 weeks but it is the most crucial as it will be helping me with my diet issues.

Four more words to support my WORD of the year:










Saturday, December 28, 2013

4 days until 2014 - The Gifts of 2013

I have been given many gifts this year but I think the one that figures largest in my mind is the finding of a friend. Someone who has a personal history similar to  mine but also has the same kind of sense of humour I have. We have so much in common that I wonder why I haven't met her before. I hope the next year will bring more companionship and personal growth for both of us. She is fabulous! and I'm glad she likes me as I am not as my public mask.

Three words to describe 2013:  One step forward

If 2013 were the title of a book it would be called: Self Care 101

Good-byes  and Thank you's 

  1. Good-bye computer mesmer, I have managed to break your spell
  2. Thank you Community Mental Health Centre's, without you I would still be stuck in my dark cycle
  3. Good bye sloth and lethargy I am moving and don't intend to stop
  4. Thank you my friend for accepting me as I am
  5. Good-bye to living to serve now I am beginning to serve myself some life
  6. Good-bye self-pity I am my freeing myself from you slowly but surely
  7. Good-bye track pant's I am wearing blue jeans again and even zippers and buttons on my pants

Friday, December 27, 2013

5 days until 2014- Evaluating the Past Year

My 2013 was a year of major trials and surprising triumphs.

I liked the note this year is ending on. I feel I have made a positive beginning in several areas where I was stuck and stagnating.

Of the five goals I set for myself last January first I completed the first two and made progress in the others as well I added a couple of extra goals in March and was able to make progress towards them too

 Surprisingly I didn't choose a word for this past year, I couldn't settle on just one thing to focus on. I started out the year thinking about my body issues as usual then in March switched to writing then in August as usual it all fell apart and I have no idea how. The blog entries for that month doesn't tell me much at all and my memory is even worse.

I went to an Art Therapy class during the last quarter and made more progress towards my mental health goal than I did in the first three quarters so I know I find good self expression in art and hope to continue exploring it in 2014. I asked the members of my therapy group if they would be interested in joining me, several of them were glad to.

I tried to get back into dancing but I am still having issues with it. The dance group I have been longing to go to for a couple of years didn't work out for me at all. I ended up having a full blown anxiety attack. I really think it would be good for me but I just can't get my mind and body to agree. That was perhaps my greatest disappointment of the year. I had been so excited about it and I failed myself badly.

For me my greatest triumph came when I actually put on a swimsuit and took an aquafit class at the local YMCA. I am so proud of myself and I want to feel that way again. I smiled for days after that.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Let the Countdown begin ... 6 days until 2014

Good Morning!

Step one Review 2013

I took a step outside my grief and went to a couple of classes at the Mental Health Centre and contacted the Centre for Sexual Assult . I only attended a couple of sessions but that was more than I had done in a long while. That I stopped after a couple of sessions doesn't mean anything I had at least made a beginning and it lead to the Art Therapy class and my getting a counselor at the end of the year

I did not lose 52 pounds but I did take off 10 pounds and kept it off as well as tightening up some of my muscles so that my clothes fit looser than they did. It also led me to getting a YMCA membership which I have used a few times and found I like being active

I did not publish a book of poems but I certainly wrote quite a few and I also made a beginning on two books that have been rattling around in my head for years. I have not renewed my membership at WDC but am considering it as I want to keep writing and I love the format there

I found out that though I like cats for their small size I really love having a dog because they like to cuddle while cats don't much. I like Coco even though she has a few character flaws we are working on. I have to find a way to get her spayed soon so I can walk her all the time & not worry about her getting pregnant.

I have made a start on a friendship and hope it will last a long time. I like spending time with someone other than my daughter & her kids. I have also attended a couple of strictly social events and it did not go too badly

I have made a start at dealing with my emotional baggage especially the large burden of guilt I've been carrying around and I have begun to let myself feel my emotions though sometimes they seem way to strong.

I've fought with my daughter a lot this past year, part of that is the constant contact and part of it is because she seems irresponsible to me in a couple of areas I consider important though she feels the same way about me so maybe we both still need to grow up a bit.

I knit several dolls and other things though I am sure I did not come anywhere near the 300 plus creative pieces I wanted to make I am also sure that I did at least 52  so not a complete failure on my part.

I am trying to think about bad stuff but other than screwing up a bit with the money situation and a small fall several weeks ago I have had a pretty good year. For each goal I didn't reach I did manage to step forward towards it and that is all anyone can expect to do.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

A New Year Dream

If I were at a healthy weight, what would that look like?” Ideally something like this!

“What would it feel like to buy clothes in size _____?” hmm getting back down to a 10 would be nice, most of the stuff I like looks best on a size ten figure. I am currently a size 18-20. Though if I think on it even getting down to a size 14 would be pretty nice. At least when I was size 14 I didn't feel so unweildy and huge. More like a basketball and less like a beach ball

What if I didn’t have to dread getting dressed in the morning?” to be able to bend from the waist without pain, that would be heaven

“What if I could play with my kids without getting out of breath?” I'd like it even better if it didn't tire me out and hurt so much.

“What would I do differently if money were not an issue?” If money weren't an issue I would have my own private trainer and a full gym in my house not to mention my own dietician cook to buy and make healthy food and a full time housekeeper to keep the place neat and tidy so I could be a philanthropist and still be healthy

“What churches or charities would I give to if I had more than enough finances?” Anything that deals with children and abused adults. I would also support Cancer Research.

“If nothing were holding me back, what would I most like to do in life that I haven’t done?” Travel to all the places I can only dream about.

“What things did I dream about doing before life took over?” I dreamed of many things I dreamed of being a Vet, an actress, a pilot, a programmer, a writer, a story teller plus many other things

Merry Christmas!

I say Merry Christmas cause that is what it is to me!  This to all those politically correct morons out there.

I am not politically correct nor do I aspire to be. What is is what it is and what it is is what I was taught it is while growing up. Anyway .... My grandson's got major gifts this year including their very own train table like the one we saw at the Chapters store and a motoritzed Jeep.

The jeep is having battery issues but hopefully we can fix it. Got to go help clean up the mess ttyl

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Dec 17, 2014- The Ties That Bind

Christmas is less than 10 days away which means 2014 isn't far away. I downloaded a booklet yesterday that helps you create clear and obtainable goals for next year. As you know I've been in the planning stages since my birthday in October. Strangly enough it seems to be taking so much longer this year than usual. I think it is because I am starting to break free of my shell a little.

I have a headache and am not feeling so good but I wanted to at least start this but all of a sudden my inspiration is gone and all I want to do is lie down. Hopefully I'll get my head back in the game soon.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dec 15- The Doctor was right

Ok it has been a long time since I went to bed before midnight but last night I was so tired I was in bed by ten. And I was wide awake by 6 am. I mean awake and lucid even happy. It has been a long time since I woke up with a smile on my face.

The doctor said I needed to find a sleep pattern that allowed me to get adequate rest and made me feel good. Guess I've found it

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dec 12, 2013

I do not know how much longer I will have access to the internet, I owe the ISP some money and they are threatening to suspend services. As long as I can I will keep sending from here but I suspect it will be January at the earliest that I can get service back. I will send from the library when I can. So I will be around.

Since the same company handles the house phone and cable it is possible they will go too so it is going to be a long boring month around here.

Dec 12, 2013 What?

OK ... I have been pondering this question all day ... What is it about me that makes people say "you're so cute".

I have gotten that most of my life without really understanding why people consider me that. Most notably it happen's more often when I'm happy and laughing as I have been since last Tuesday after my momentous 45 minutes in the pool. I still have a hard time beleiving that was actually me in that suit.

So what makes a person "Cute" especially a woman 50+ years old? It would be nice if someone would tell me why they think I'm cute.

Friday, December 6, 2013

December 6 Don't know what to do...

Have you ever been faced with a problem that is largely of your own making but which goes counter to everything you ever thought you knew?

I have always had a problem with rules; specifically the rules that say a good parent does this and this but doesn't do this and this. Yea I'm talking around the problem cause I am still pissed off but as I said earlier it is a problem largely of my own making. I do not know when I became my daughter's caretaker, I suppose back when she was seventeen and gave birth to a still born babe. Why did I react to that? because I was the one who talked her out of going to see the doctor the day he died. We could have saved him I think if we had gone to that appointment. And she would not have carried around a dead baby inside her for three weeks which caused all kinds of health issues for her both physical and mental.

Why did I talk her out of it? Because I was tired and neither of us really wanted to face the long trip to the doctors office, at least that's the way I remember it. Anyway so I felt responsible and it took her a long time to recover even a small portion of her former self. the experience changed her, made her over compensate with GD#1 in some ways and made her become irresponsible in some ways too, specifically where money is concerned. She spends to make herself feel better the way I eat to make myself feel better. In both our cases it has a huge impact on our lives but in her case it also has a huge impact on my SIL, GS #1 & 2 and GD #1 and to a lesser extent I suppose on me.

I compensate her, is that the right word, for the privilege of allowing me to be involved in my grandchildren's lives by covering the financial shortfalls when I can and asking my exhusband for help when I can't. He has more assets than we do but really not that much money, still he will help if he is able. Getting his money back to him is an issue, for some reason my daughter figures she shouldn't have to pay him back since I never make her pay me back. This time though...

It all began back in the summer when my daughter discovered payday loans, at first it was only a couple of hundred bucks which we could cover because my SIL was getting the hours to cover the debt and still have enough left for their day to day expenses. But then one of the places he works went into quarantine and he couldn't work there for a month because he might contaminate the second place. At the same time she took out a loan that I counselled her against of $640. Without the second paycheque there was no way to pay back the loan and make sure there were sufficient money for food & diapers. The cheque she had written went to the bank and bounced. The phone calls began. I kept telling her to at least make a token payment to them but she wouldn't. It sat like that until yesterday. Yesterday while the rent was in the accound the bank reprocessed the cheque leaving us with no way to pay the rent.

We have a very precarious relationship with our landlord. He is a bit of an SOB. We pay the rent in two payments because that is the only way we can do it. Half at the first of the month and half when the Child Tax Credit comes in. We had already asked him to wait on cashing the second cheque because my daughter had miscalculated how much money she needed for Christmas shopping. If it had gone in and bounced, as it was looking last night like it would do, our landlord would have presented us with a five day eviction notice.  To help cover it my daughter had put the boys christmas present up on kijijii as well as their computer and a couple of other things. I freaked!

She has a history of buying big expensive christmas presents and having to take them back to cover one bill or another and I did not want the boys to be deprived of the nice gifts as their sister had been. After I vented some of my anger I called my ex and begged him for help, telling him to take mine and sadly GD #1's christmas gifts back to the store and send us the money instead. I offered him anything he wanted as long as he would help us out with this. Now I have added $650 to the amount we already owed him due to some of the wedding expenses; making the total we owe him about $4000. Give or take some, I have no idea how much it is or how much he has been paid because I don't know how many of the payment's I mads from their bank account she cancelled. 

This afternoon I sent him $50 from a gift they got from some people who are helping my SIL stay out of Levenworth and she got angry with me because I sent it to him rather than leaving it there for her to spend elsewhere.

My mother taught me that the bills get paid, all of them before you even think about spending money on food or anything else. Because I have been covering her financially for a decade and a half now she has no understanding of why it makes me angry when we end up in a situation like this. My problem is I don't know how to stop doing it and I really need to before my ex grabs me out of here and tells her it's up to her to sink or swim. He has already threatened to do just that, to remove me from her household to keep me safe. I understand his reasoning which is why I need to figure out how to curb my tendency to protect her and the kids all the time. Plus the inherint stress in the situation has been making me physically ill and I really don't want to get that ulcer back.

So a problem largly of my own making that is causing certain people who are important to me to use me like a bank and through me my ex. A problem I need to solve ASAP before I end up back in Toronto where I realy do not want to be.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dec 4 is it or isn't it?

I was sitting here thinking about an email I received from a friend today. She has started her journey to permanent sobriety to which I say "Go Girl" but she was concerned that because she wasn't drinking she was eating far more than she should.

I thought back to when I stopped smoking and how I felt I was eating too much to compensate for the oral satisfaction that a cigarette used to give me. I thought I was eating too much so I went online and found one of those sites where you enter everything you eat and they give you the caloric and nutritional value of what you were eating. It's important to be honest so that you can get an accurate picture but anyway, so after a week or so of keeping track I found out that I was actually starving myself.

The sad thing about people with weight issues is that often we don't know how many calories we should be eating.We assume because we are eating several times a day instead of once or twice, (as we tend to do when living with certain addictions), that we are eating too much.

I found that because I am active with my grandsons, housework and walk most places I need to go that I was not giving my body enough calories. The other issue was that I most often choose junk foods to fill in the hollow places so not only was I eating too few calories I was eating ones that don't nourish my body.

I wonder if this is the case with my friend. At Super Skinny Me  they offer a calculator that tells you how many calories your body needs in a day to keep itself running and to give you the energy you need to pursue life's little pleasures. For instance I am a 53 year old female who currently weighs 225 pounds and is 5' 1" tall to maintain my current weight I need 2006 calories a day; to begin a sensible weight loss program I need to cut that back to 1604 calories a day. These numbers are what I need without adding in any physical activity. The more active I am the more calories I can eat and still lose weight.

When I was 233lbs I did these calculations then followed up by recording what I ate and what I did every day for a week. What I found was that I was not eating enough because even walking up and down the stairs from my room to my daughters apt burned a few calories. Instead of the 500 calorie deficit per day I was actually closer to 800 calories which meant my body wasn't getting enough for even basic things like breathing and standing. Everything I've read says basically the same thing, it is as dangerous to your body to eat too few calories as it is to eat too many. Add in calorie heavy but nutritionally empty foods like potato chips and you make the whole thing worse for yourself.

To my friend and to all of you, do the calculations then go to a place like SparkPeople and record your daily food intake and your daily movement for just a week to make sure you are not fooling yourself the way I fooled myself. It is better to be sure than to be sorry.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Dec 2, 2013- Checking In

I am feeling under the weather today, big head-ache, blurry eyes and coughing up ucky green stuff. I am not sure if I have caught a cold or if the CPAP Maching needs cleaned, probably the latter. Still now that I'm using it again i am feeling more rested which means the doctor was right it is essential to a good nights sleep for me.

Oh yeah the doctor, I got a 15 minute lecture from him regarding my non-healthy lifestyle; needing a proper sleeping schedule instead of the hit & miss one I've been  using; a proper diet that includes lots of vegetables, which I would love if I could  1) afford it, 2) find the time & energy to go shopping for myself; oh yeah and the hardest one for me exercise 7 days a week for 30 minutes a day.

It's not like I don't know he's right ... again,  it comes down to finding the energy and focus to make the changes I need to make both of which seem to be in poor supply for me.

Regarding the diet part, I have decided to go with the exchange diet since it was the one that worked best for me last time I lost a lot of weight. It isn't hard to follow but it does require a lot of planning. I need to get started on that part of it so that I can actually eat the way I'm supposed to. I've been depending on them to do the cooking and I really need to start depending on myself again.

More of that later. Have a good day all