Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Years Eve 2014

Reviewing my entries from this time last year I see where I have gone forward and where I have not. For the record I feel I have made a lot of progress over the last year.
2 days until 2014 - Fast-Forward to Dec 2014
December 31, 2014
In my head I am less fractured, my past has been unraveled and re-knit into a stronger, healthier self.
Stronger and healthier in my head yes definitely that. Not completely healed but getting there.I have found 175 pounds again and am stronger, fitter than I have been in a long time. My depression and the Fibro are better due to the healthier lifestyle.I did not lose as much as I wanted today I weigh 214 lbs which is 20 pounds less than I weighed this timelast yearI have published my poetry e-zine and completed the first story of Woulf.These did not happenI got through the wedding and honeymoon without any major hitches. Everything was beautiful and everyone got paidon time. My GD #1's sweet sixteen went off without a hitch tooEverything went well although GD#1 did not get quite the birthday we plannedI am up to date with all of my bills and so are my daughter & SIL. I have my ODSP and we are finally managing to put some money aside towards a house.My bills are paid but I can't speak for theirs. Once I got my ODSP I moved out on my own.I have a small group of friends I get together with on a weekly basis. We do lots of things together including a weekly drumming session and an art journal session.These did not happenI am dancing again and have attended "Dance Your Bones" half a dozen times and even managed to stay for a couple of complete sessions.This did not happen. I was never able to go back there.It has been a great year! I accomplished the two most important things.

Fast Forward to December 31st, 2015

I have learned the basics of belly dance and danced for the Professor a couple of times.

My diabetes is under control

I have reached 180lbs because of a more physically active lifestyle and this has helped with both the diabetes and the fibro.

The depression is also decreased in strength because of the cognitive therapy I began at the beginning of the year.

I have a regular sleep routine in place and have noticed some improvements in my thought processes as well as more relaxation in my body

My word for 2015 is Focus. It is my intention to focus on becoming more physically active this year because it causes improvement in so many different areas.

Lets see what 2015 brings!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

A Special Birthday Gift

When I talk about miniatures I am talking about working in 1/12 scale. That is 1 inch = 1 foot. I played with them for years but then I started getting into the more expensive settings and had to stop because I couldn't afford it.

The last one I did was a Wizard's lab for my partner's birthday. His online name at the time was Warlock and it seemed appropriate. He still has it on display in his bedroom.

This is not it but it is similar.
I have another project sitting in my closet that has been there since I completed the lab because I didn't have the time or money to create it. Since these days I have a lot of time I've been collecting ideas and supplies to make the image in my head become a reality. I hope to have it completed in time for his next birthday his 48th.



This is his personal computer setup. What I want to do is recreate this in miniature for him as a gift. Do you remember 5 1/4 " floppy disks?



I managed to find enough that I can use them for the frame and still have a few leftover to make the monitors. So that is what I'm beginning with. Now all I have to do is get started on it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Thoughts

Do you ever wish that the future would open its doors and let you see what was coming?

Have you ever wished that you knew exactly what to do and when to have the best thing in the world happen for you?

How about just having what it takes to make that one step, that first step that could change your life all together?

I would love for one of these things to happen for me. I am lazy, I want something to happen without any effort on my part. At least that is what the "normals" say. You have to expend energy to get energy. I have no energy, all I seem to want to do is sleep, in the winter months. All those grey days and long nights cause me to curl up and sleep until the sun comes back. It has been like that for as long as I can remember.

No amount of wishing can change a habit so engrained. Ambition is needed and I have none, I have never felt the need to be more than I was. Ok not strictly true, I want to have enough income so that if I desire to spend money I can. Enough so that my bills are paid and I have food enough that I do not starve. I have reached that point in my life where I have few needs but oh so many wants.

In the end though unless my partner wins the lottery and shares with me most of my dreams will not come true. I simply do not care enough nor do I have energy enough to do more than get through the day to day of living.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Pinterest

For months I lived and breathed Pinterest and I still find myself there almost every day. That link will take you to my boards but I thought today I would share with you a few things I've pinned. How ever google doesn't like pinterest urls so I can't show them to you properly.

  

Silly I know but I have a whole board that is just "C" and another that is just "M" for my initials.

I also have boards dedicated to Art Journal Challenges, Collections of everything from Angels to Herbal Magic to Wreaths. Images and Green living resources and even a fashion one. Please do go check it our and look around at other peoples pins too.


Monday, November 3, 2014

Meditative Doodling

Lots of us do it.  While on the phone or when we are thinking. Doodling can be as simple as a bunch of circles in the margin of a page while you listen to your boss drone on at a meeting to as complicated as the  Zentangle which is used for meditation by creative types. The Zentangle is similar to a Mandala in that it is meant to help you access your creativity and open you to spiritual message but they are different in many ways.

A Mandala is circular; the Zentangle square. The Mandala requires balance; the Zentangle is about chaos. I could go on but perhaps a image would explain it better.


Mandala
Zentangle

Carol Edmonston is a two-time breast cancer survivor and it was her story that got me to thinking today. I have been under a lot of stress for a long time between Fibromyalgia, depression and obesity with all their side affects maybe I should try my hand at some meditative doodling and see if it helps.

The instructions were easy enough

1) Draw a border
2) Add some dots inside the border
3) Join the dots any way you like
4) Fill in the resulting spaces with doodles

That's it! If you want after you have done doodling color in the patterns or leave it as is. Heck if you want you can use colors to do the doodles. Have fun and share if you want.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Weekends are for Collaborate, Gather and Experiment

Hello, how are you this fine Sunday?

Yesterday we saw our first snow flurries, none stuck but it is the first time this fall that it has been cold enough for snow to form. And time went back today as well a sure sign that the dark days of winter are on their way.

I don't know about you but winter turns me into a hibernator and rather than become bored I turn to crafty things. With that thought in mind I decided to pull out an old book I have for some inspiration.

The book is called "Crafter's Devotional: 365 Days of Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Unlocking Your Creative Spirit " and is still available at Amazon for around ten bucks USD.  Barbara Call Bourassa the author/editor of this book originally published it in 2009 but it is still just as useful now as it was when it first came out.

It is separated into daily pages with each page having a creative idea to get you started making  or exploring something you may have never considered before. The weekends are combined because there are several steps involved . Yesterday's and Today is entitled Experimental Research: Shrink Plastic By Jenn Mason I don't know anything about shrink plastic so my first step was to go looking for information on it. 

One of the first things I found was this board on Pinterest. It has a lot of neat pictures of things you can make from the plastic once you have it but not much info on where to find it. Next I followed this link from Google. Since I had one of those containers in my recycling bin I decided to try the tutorial out.

Here is the container before I began:


And this is what I created with it:


And this is what happened :


So it did shrink them and I have to admit the Goddess turned out really well considering  how much it curled. The directions said they would uncurl but they didn't. My assumption as to the cause is that I used waxed paper instead of parchment paper. Parchment paper has a non-stick surface which would have allowed more action from the pieces. That would also explain why I can't get them off the paper without tearing it.

Give it a try and let me know how you do. The instructions I used are at ABOUT. About is my second most favorite site for learning new things. The first of course being Pinterest.

Hope you had a good weekend!

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Empty Spaces Given New Purpose

Imagine 42,000 square feet of space standing empty not for days or weeks or months but for years. Or even consider a small 3200 square foot place in the same situation. 

Every time I see another vacant store front on our main street I think about what I would put there if I had unlimited wealth. For instance the small space I mentioned above, it was a well patronized, small diner in our bus terminal for 20 years. Ill health required the owners to retire and their son did not want to continue running the place. So it sits there empty.


It is too small to be anything but a diner or a variety store besides there is already a variety store in the terminal. So what can be done with it?


Well obviously someone could reopen the diner but there have been no takers. What I would like to see there is a coffee shop. Oh not like Tim Hortons but a nice place a person who is waiting for a bus can come into and warm up with a coffee. Sort of like an Airport Lounge except for no alcohol and reasonable prices.


One other thing ... I would like it to me a place where even the needy can come and get warm even if they can't buy anything. Everybody has a skill of some sort that they can share and because it is a bus terminal the needy can hook up with those who are looking for people with special skills so both win.


The Brand: I have a blog called "The Church of Kindness". When I created it I was thinking of the move "Pay it Forward" and that is how I would see this and any other similar endeavors being marketed. Also as much as possible they would be non-profit. My goal is not to make money but to make the world a better place for those who want a hand up not a hand out.


Rest assured there are some ideas in my head that are not for the needy but for creative types, teenagers and others who have some need I could meet. All I need is financial backing so I can rent or purchase the empty storefronts and refurbish them enough so they can fulfill the use I would see them put to.


While this helps the citizens of my town it would also bring in some recognition for our town and maybe some employers who like what we are doing and wish to bring their businesses here. Everyone wins!



Prompt: Write about an amazing imaginary brand or organization you'd love to work with. What would their pitch to you look like? What would your post say?

Friday, October 31, 2014

NaBloPoMo November

I will not go into specifics right now other than to say I have been extremely busy and my life has changed a lot. Since it is almost November I have decided to join the Blogher's NaBloPoMo. Which means that I will be coming here every day to write something, at least that is the plan. It feels like forever since I wrote anything other than Morning papers.

I am always worried when I sign up for one of these if I have enough to say, if anyone will be interested in what I have to say and which blog to add to the Blogroll?
That last one is the reason I decided to write my first ever NaBloPoMo blog entry tonight. You see I have five blogs, six if you count the one I set up to write my life story for my kids so they can know the real person their mother was once I'm gone. 
Each blog represents a different facet of my opinons, creativity or business. So how do I choose what to share. Most of my posts are in two very different types of blogs. At least I feel they are different.
The first called Wildchild Chronicles is where I share my thought and opinions on this that and the other thing.  The second is called Creative Indulgences where I share my art and poetry as well as other things associated with my many hobbies.
The question is which one should I add? Am I allowed to add both?
I chose the Chronicles this month because that is where I do the majority of my writing. It is a conumdrum isn't it?

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Woooweee

I am back on the internet. I just spent the longest couple of weeks I've had in a long time. At first it wasn't so bad not having internet I was able to catch up on some regular stuff like knitting and cleaning that I just haven't been bothered with for awhile. But as the days turned into one week then two then three I began to miss the option of playing Farmville 2 or doing something else like Pinterest. I was able to use my tablet to update my library books at least but it isn't much use for the other two.

We are back for now while I try & figure out how to pay the cogeco bill. I also got to get those boxes back to them but one thing at a time. For now I'm back and I am catching up on all the stuff I missed.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

June 14

one week to wedding day, seven days that's all. the time went so slowly until we got to the four week mark, lately it has been racing by. i am feeling kinda rough and i think rob is too. nessa is even more freaked out and dean is just tired. once the wedding is over the professor and i will be babysitting the kids for 3 days i think i'm not sure. i am sure the kids are not going to be happy during those three days cause the professor and i are very different caretakers than their parents.

i have no idea what i shared last or when i shared, like i said it's been kinda crazy around here. dean has been working hard so that they would have decent money for their honeymoon; i have been taking physio and adding a lot more physical  activity to my life in an attempt to get my weight down to a reasonable level. days like today are fewer, one meal a day even a large one is no substitute for several smaller ones. i just feel like i didn't have the time to eat today, nessa was supposed to go out at 9:30 and that didn't pan out but i was busy watching the boys all day. even when i took a nap aidan went with me.

giving up on the naming thing, if you know me you know about my grandchildren. my head is killing me and i am not sure why perhaps not enough water today. i'll work on fixing that for the rest of the day. still so tired ...

gonna get a couple of pain killers and maybe some sugar. i have some berries thawing but i also have some sugar coated almonds just depends on what i want to do.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Re-thinking

I spend a lot of time complaining about my daughter, I know this, but without her I would be alone and scared a lot. Without her and her kids I would have no place to lie my head . No place where hugs are available whenever I need one. I judge her harshly but I think in truth I am judging my failures with her. The things I should have done that I didn't do and the things I should have said but never did. Sure I get exasperated by her seeming inability to see her own failings but I have to admit to myself I have several failings of my own.

Ok I thought this was going to draft not getting published so maybe I was more out of it more than I though. No matter life continues and I spend my time re-thinking a lot of my previously held beliefs because they just don't seem to fit right. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced depression and abuse the way I have and even harder to explain to someone who doesn't have 50 plus years of living. The framework is just missing.

I am beginning to think that 50+ is the age of reason though I am not absolutely sure of that. I do find myself thinking more clearly about the past than I used to. I am learning about cognitive therapy and applying the principles to myself though it is slow going

more later

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Beginnings, Endings and Middles

Okay your supposed to begin with the ending and work towards the beginning. In my life I have not set many goals and what goals I've set got sidetracked fairly quickly. Today I'm feeling a bit sad because the 221 pounds I was so proud of has returned to 223 and I know that is the weight my body is currently set at. I have been trying to figure out how to move that set point to 200 which is my first interim goal on my way to 125

I knew I was going to weigh myself this morning and last night I found myself nibbling potato chips & jelly beans and other stuff I should not have been even considering. I had caused my daughter to become very angry with me last night and I was punishing myself for upsetting her. What I can't figure out is why she is allowed to be upset by me but I don't allow myself to show my anger towards her.

If I am afraid of losing my daughter because of anger ... well maybe I am in a way but that is unfounded as are many of my reactions towards her. I do not know when my daughter became this cruel monster that haunts my mind certainly I don't see the reactions I expect. Its more like I'm waiting for the day and I don't know why. I have no basis for the fear at all. She is actually quite an understanding young woman when she wants to be. Sure she gets angry put other than throwing a few things or stomping her feet I have never seen her act as I would expect a physical abuser to act. I think I have turned my daughter into a mean bitch in my head and I don't know why.

Beginnings are not easy nor are endings but the middle usually writes itself. I am aware that I'm not being very clear and that is because I had no clear idea what I was planning to write only that it was June 1st and over the next month a VERY big occasion is coming, my daughters wedding. If we can get through that with our skins intact then we will be set I hope

Ok what I have planned for June aside from the wedding and a slew of appointments is:

  • A photo a day using fatmomslim's Photo a Day challenge
  • blogher's NaBloPoMo who's topic this month is "Comment"
  • createwritenow 24 days Whole Health Journaling challenge
  • increase my away from computer time to 2 hours 45 minutes of which needs to be movement based
  •  Prep and freeze 4 meals during the first week

I think that will make for a reasonably busy month especially as I am sitting at seven appointments as of today and after the 5th I expect to have a few more and after the 11th they will probably increase again. For those that are interested I go for a physio assessment on the 5th and after the 11th I expect to have a regular weekly counseling session again. Also from the 21st to the 25th I will be babysitting my grandsons while my daughter enjoys her honeymoon. A busy busy month!

 

 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My Place

it is not my place to care about the kids but I find I do. It is hard to know what a grandmother is supposed to do  when she hears her child shouting at her children. I am lost, I woke up to the sound of my grandson calling to a cat. I am still so tired but he is here and will be here for awhile given what I heard downstairs just a bit ago. All I want to do is crawl back in my bed and sleep. I guess the fact that my fridge and freezer are nearing end of month emptiness may have something to do with the depression I'm feeling. I have sufficient food to get me through but not the right foods.

There may be another culprit I ate 4 servings of oatmeal and 4 servings of pasta with vegetables before I laid down today so it could be a carb overload or a reaction to glutin or it could just be a reaction to the gray skies. whatever it is it makes my eyes heavy and my brain foggy.

And it has been two days since my last walk granted I walked for at least an hour but my body is beginning to crave the movement which is a good thing just not today.

Time to stop talking

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

New Directions

I'm relaxing this week a little. The last two weeks have been full of appointments but this week is remarkably free of them. I am still busy but in a more fun way, making posters for my daughter's Jack n Jill. I am also like gleeful cause when I stepped on the scale yesterday it said I weighed 221.2 lbs which means I have lost four of the 25 pounds I'm working on in just a bit over a month. I am a happy camper! At this rate I will hit the 200 mark before September 30 which is my goal date.

Yesterday I walked my grandson to his day care, spent some time in Home Depot and Staples then walked back home so that is easily my hour for the week but I am not done, tomorrow Aidan and I will go to the park and maybe the farmers market, if we don't go to the farmers market we will be planting flowers in my flower box. And I still owe Coco a walk this week so maybe tomorrow but more likely Thursday Aidan and I will be taking her out for a quick walk around the block.

I am feeling energized and excited today and am looking forward to doing some stretches or dancing or maybe some strength exercises after it cools down a bit or maybe I'll just put on shorts and a sports bra and do it.

My fridge is almost bare of vegetables but I do have a few frozen ones so things are still on track in the food department, though I do have to buckle down and make a menu and shopping list soon.

My lunch is done so I'll talk to you later

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

May 20: Update

I have managed  to keep one pound off for a month so I am a happy camper. You may think that is not a big deal but it is a big deal for me.


I have 100 of these buggers to get rid of so it one stays gone I am a happy, happy girl

I have also been looking into expanding my readership. Its just something I want to do  but my post popular post has to do with using shells in art so I gotta wonder maybe the psychological conversations aren't the best way to get people here. Except that I started this blog to deal with those psychological things in a way I could be comfortable with.

So I'm in a bit of a quandary. If the four of you could let me know what keeps you coming back to read my writing I would really appreciate it. In the meantime I am going to have to start visiting other blogs and sharing my url so I can get more people to at least come and take a peek.

I really wish I hadn't given the book away I got that shell thing from it had a lot of creative suggestions in it.

I have the 101 in 1001 still on hold until I can decide if I want to try for a fourth time. I did get a lot of things done from the list and did make it nearly to the end of the 1001 days so it wasn't a failure.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Subjective Pauses

Focus on one thought and follow it as far as you can. I find myself trying to do this fairly often now. I will find a chink in my armor of self and begin searching the thoughts that led to it. Take the word cute for instance. It is not a bad word in fact some people consider it a compliment for me it triggers all kinds of badness.

First off cute isn't just applied to children anymore. I myself have been called cute many times. It is most often applied to a petite woman and I have always been that though a round petite still a petite. I envy those women who can claim 5' 5" or more I am on the lower side of 5" 1" and have wished my legs would grow just a bit more but they never have. So when I am animated I get called cute.

Next I step back to age 13. My next door neighbour's have a horse farm and one day the oldest son asks me to go riding with him. He puts me on the horse in front of him and as we ride he talks me up and calls me cute while his hands are roaming in places they have no right to be.

Step back a little bit further and my uncle has me trapped in my closet . He wants to touch me because I am so cute. Starting to get the drift. There were a couple of other incidents like this from the time I began to grow a chest which was elevenish. I do not know how many times I have been molested nor by how many of my uncles, cousins and neighbours. Many, many times and it began when I was two so it was a lot of years.

Ok at this point my mind can take two tracks reliving the abuse or continuing to follow the path that lead me to dislike the word cute when applied to myself. Today I want to avoid the abuse if I can.

The next clear memory I have regarding the word cute is when I was 8 or nine. A man came by looking for directions to someplace and my dad invited him in for a beer. I can only assume that my dad knew him or knew someone connected to him. I was precocious and I ended up sitting on his knee. On his way out he gave me a ring and told me to hold on to it because he would come back for it some day because I was so cute and he wanted to see what I would grow up to be like. I lost the ring and I remember being so sad because now he would never be able to find me again.

Step back now to what I consider the beginning of this connection between the word cute as applied to me and negativity I feel towards it. I am six and it is a beautiful  June day. I watched my first ballet on TV the night before and had fallen in love with it. I began dancing with the shadows during recess and I lost myself in my imagination.  When the bell ran I was slow coming out of it and by the time I did everyone in the school was gathered around me. They laughed and clapped and I heard the teachers comment on how cute I was. A few days later I came down sick with the chicken pox and missed the last four days of what have been a perfect attendance year. During the chicken pox the clapping and laughter took on a sinister edge and so did the word cute.

What should have been a joyful memory turned into a nightmare and haunted me for a long long time. I have managed to remove some of the fever induced horror but not all of it. and for me the word cute when applied to me had become a dagger to my self esteem. It also prevented me from ever dancing comfortably again except for waltzes. If I could disentangle the fever emotions from the real ones I would be much happier I think but the process is slow because I need to remove from my memory the negative overtones. That is a very hard thing to do.

Take a moment for a subjective pause. Is there a word that when applied to you seems to have a lot of negative overtones even though you know that when they are applied to others they have none? Trace it back as far as you can. Then work on changing the incident in your memory from a bad memory to a good one. Chances are it was supposed to be a good one. Changing how you think about it will also help you change the ones that came after, rather they were meant to be good or bad, so that they no longer impede your self worth.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day 2014

I fear I may have made a mistake, maybe... it is hard to know for sure. My son and I have been having difficulties with our relationship for several years now. His expectations are different from mine. The most difficult one for me deals with my grandchildren, his children. DD has always brought her children to me when she had the means or called me to come get them when she didn't. My son has asked me to babysit only a handful of times and he doesn't bring his children to see me except for special family events. His expectation is that I will call him to see the kids. That I will make an appointment in advance to come by and see my own grandchildren. Perhaps I am spoiled by my daughter but that doesn't sit well with me at all.

He and my daughter had words about a month ago because he posted something on Facebook that basically said I was not a good grandmother. I did not get to read it which is probably a good thing because I would have written the message I wrote tonight a lot sooner.

I asked him to come over to give me a price on a fire pit, he told me he would be here around 11. I assumed he meant 11 AM. It is now 10 PM and I still have not seen him nor have I received a call from him telling me he couldn't come. This is the second time he has done this to me and frankly I'm pissed off. If I were a regular type client he would have lost my business the first time. Even family deserves some respect and I have not received that from him in a long while.

I refuse to be treated like trash despite my own personal feelings on that subject. My anger is dissipating and I am aware only of a great sadness. I think I will go cry now.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

NaBloPoMo- May 2014 - Topic is Nourish

I am 8 days late in getting started with NaBloPoMo but since the topic is all about how we nourish ourselves if fits well into my particular concerns. Here are the prompts for the first 8 days of may and my answers.

Thursday, May 1, 2014
Tell us how you eat: do you sit down to three meals, eat several small meals, or grab a granola bar on the run?

Hmmm depends on the day really but I basically stick to three meals a day. It is the simplest and it makes sure that I get regular infusions of energy.

Friday, May 2, 2014
Tell us how you wish you ate if it's different from your day-to-day reality.

In my day to day reality I eat pretty well though I still need some work on portion control and I wish I could stop eating after 8 PM without having to go to sleep to avoid the temptation

Monday, May 5, 2014
Would you ever want a personal chef, or do you enjoy cooking your own meals?

I actually enjoy cooking my own meals. I like to experiment in the kitchen.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Have you ever invented your own recipe? Tell us about it (or your favourite one).

When my kids were little I would often run out of food before the month and I didn't know about Food Banks then. I would often throw whatever I had in the fridge & freezer into a pot and call it supper. My soups usually turned into a grey tasteless mess but at least it was food. Since then I have experimented with several different dishes but I am most proud of my chili recipes and the fact that they can double as spaghetti sauce. The quickest recipe I have would make my mother turn in her grave but it is quick & east. Take a can of Pork & beans, add a can of Aylmer Accent diced tomatoes, chili flavour. Mix them together & warm them up. Quick chili!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Do you follow recipes to a T, or do you play around with recipes, making adjustments?

I always make adjustments, sometimes because I don't have the ingredients or don't have enough of one of the ingredients asked for; sometimes just because I want to add my own touch.

Thursday, May 8, 2014
Tell us about your favourite cookbook.

I don't have a favorite cookbook, I have a favorite recipe web site it's called All Recipes & you can find a recipe based on what you have on hand, plus other ways, that is my favorite way to search.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Four Big Questions

Four Questions To Ask Myself About Losing Weight

What is the worst thing that could happen if I don't do this?

Death by inches- Diabetes & Cancer

What is the worst thing that could happen if I did do this?

Longer, healthier life. Fewer illnesses and lots fewer medications.

What is the best thing that could happen if I do this?

A new wardrobe, renewed energy, less pain

What is the best thing that would happen if I didn't do this?

Quick death- Heart attack or Stroke

 So I got to ask myself if my only choice as things stand now is between a quick death and a slow one why do I not make a more concentrated effort to do the things the Doctor and Dietician tell me I need to be doing?

 My first response would be I just don't have the energy. The answer to this is always the same the more energy you use the more you get back except the part they don't tell you is that it takes 21 days or more of energy output before you start to notice an increase in your energy levels. Who has that kind of patience?

 Well I used to  but then I used to have a lot of things just as I used to do a lot of things but over the past few years, (since I hit the 200lb mark and my fathers death), it all seems to have disappeared from my desires. Mostly these days all I desire is to sleep. Which isn't good at all.

 But lets get back to the subject at hand. Energy is a body response to fuel and emotion, no I don't have any evidence to back myself up I just know me, Fuel of course is food but how does emotion figure into the equation? Ever been scared? Your fight or flight response if triggered by negative emotions like fear and anger. This kick starts your body to burn some of its reserves to assist you in either running away or defending yourself. This does not mean I recommend spending your life being afraid or angry all the time that will put you into a nuthouse quick.

Fuel on the other hand is about what you eat and more importantly for weight loss what you burn. My Basal Metabolic Rate is 1670 which means I require 2296 calories just to keep my organs working. To lose weight you are to decrease your calories by 500-1000 calories per day. The recommended way of doing this is to split the daily goal between food and exercise so you eat say 250 fewer calories and do 250 calories worth of exercise per day. That last part is the part I have trouble with. I have been watching my calories for awhile and am beginning to learn good portion control. Though what is considered a portion still blows me away sometimes. 5 jumbo shrimp?, 2 breaded chicken wings? & those two wings hold 220 calories in em wow!

Exercise ... say it like a swear word and you'll approximate my feelings around this word. Loving Movement means the same but sounds nicer. Physical fitness is what it is and being physical is a big part of my problem. I feel chained to this computer and leaving it even for five minutes or more to do something active disturbs me. So I'm a computer addict which means getting physical can be difficult for me.

Here are a few examples of calories burned by certain activities:

Walking 2.0 mph, slow 233 per hour
Walking the dog 279 per hour
Taking out trash 279 per hour

I found these and several others at a web site called NutriStrategy. The calories burned listed above are a guesstimate using a person of 205 lbs as the tester. This chart also lists other weight levels but the main fact is this, in order to get anywhere near the number of calories I need to burn I have to do some form of movement for 60 minutes a day. Sixty minutes a day with a bum knee, fibro and depression all weighted against me. Is it any wonder I give up. What I need to find is my determination, I need to feel inside myself that this is as important to me as my grandkids. And no even being able to keep up with my grandkids is not a motivation that has worked. I need the motivation to care and I just don't.

See that is the long and short of it... I don't care if I live or die and if truth be told I really just want to die but I'm too much of a coward to do it a quick way, so I am killing myself by inches and have been for 30+ years ever since I had a mental breakdown at 22. My 21st and 22nd year were full of horrors which lead to a mental breakdown. I was 25 before I began to see any light in my self again. That self was cobbled together from the bits and pieces I was able to collect from the person I was before. That is a story for another day and I think that is enough writing for today

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Pain

For lack of a better word this is what I have been experiencing all week. Mental as well as physical. The dentist gave me T3's when I got my tooth out and for day's I successfully avoided taking them. This is important because in my 20's & 30's I was addicted to T1's you know the ones you can get over the counter if you really want to. Back then they were still available on the pain killer shelf not stuck behind the counter with the pharmacist.  I was able to break the addiction though I am not sure how but today is the 3rd day in a row I have been dealing with the after effects of taking two T3's to kill the pain enough in my knee so that I could sleep. The problem is I keep wanting to reach for the bottle and take another one. Understand that I am still taking the Extra-strength Tylenol for the fibro so I am kinda stoned though in me it manifests itself as extreme fatigue which is not that much different from my day to day being. But still I have pain, in my head, in my mouth, in my feet, and in my back. I would need some of those super strength pain killers that are really super addictive to take all my pain away. The T3's are bad enough. I hate it!

My brain feels foggy and my thoughts are slow. Coffee seems to not be helping. I had this big long article in my head but it is gone. I am going to take my normal medication then lay down again.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Quick update

Remember awhile back I was lamenting the failure of Scribefire in Chrome. Well I still can't use it in Chrome but it does work in Firefox and Firefox was my preferred browser for the longest time. Perhaps it is time to give Chrome a rest for a bit.

Test

This is a test

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I forgot ....

I had the perfect idea for a entry today last night and of course I didn't write it down so ahhh memory problems that's what it was about.

Go figure... I have been having the worse lapses of memory lately. I had a similar problem awhile back and I took ginko biloba and panax ginseng to help as I had found they helped before. For me it is usually a lack of focus, my mind is so full of worries and things that I lose track of my thoughts. The herbs help you focus and improves cognitive functioning. Things I used to know by heart have been pushed so far back in my mind that they have gone into storage. Once something goes into storage in my brain it is hard to recall it or bring it to the front of my mind.

Take birthdays for example, I used to know all my niece & nephew's birthdays plus my brothers and sister and even a few cousins. Now I have trouble remembering even one of my grandchildren's birthdays and I only have 6. Nieces, nephews, great nieces & nephews all gone.

A few days ago I went to call my sister who has had the same number for 10 years and I could not remember her number. I've even caught myself forgetting names like GD#1 and she will be 16 in October. It is scary sometimes the stuff I forget.

I know that the long term memories start to fade once you reach a certain age but damn .... they should warn you about the short term ones too.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Pleasure = Pain

Stepping outside my comfort zone scares me, I am still trying to figure out what the magical ingredient was that made the art therapy group last fall something I could do. I can only assume it was the art part because a large part of me wants to be an artist. 

I was not looking for a friendship, I suck at them, I always have. I withdraw and eventually the other person gets tired of trying to pull me out of my shell. It is why I have spent so many years as a loner. It is also why I haven't gone back to counselling or followed through on any of the groups I signed up for this year. It is scary! The world outside my haven is scary!

My life isn't my own but I hope to change that once the boys are in school, which will be this September. I feel like a prisoner here , made so by my own lack of volition and a promise I made to my daughter. If we are forced to move from here before the boys start school I am going to suggest to my daughter that they get a three bedroom and I find a place of my own. I am not sure how I can do that but I am going to try.

I do not initiate anything, I have always been one to wait and watch. I withdrew from the world when I was quite young due to a series of events that scarred me. 



As the years passed that withdrawal has become stronger, deeper (not sure the right word to describe it) until I am immobile in a chain of fear and mistrust. How does one free oneself from such bondage? Every time it seems like I have finally found a bit of joy something happens and I withdraw once more.

The trip to Quebec was a good example of that actually. I had fun while I was there but as soon as I got back I got sick. It feels like every time I start to enjoy life, something comes along that knocks me down. Pleasure=Pain and definitely not a good kind of pain so I limit my interactions with others so that I don't get too happy and bring some more bad luck down on myself.

As you can imagine this is upsetting to people who want to help. I simply won't let them near enough to touch me. I always view good luck with trepidation because I'm waiting for the bad luck I know is going to follow. Always!

I am aware of this but my mind is divided against itself, knowing is not the same as being able to do anything to change it. That is what I am working on trying to figure out, trying to make the knowing part connect with the doing part. Trying to repair my psyche, to improve my lifestyle, to become healthy.

Given how hard I tend to work against myself it is not an easy path nor a simple one!


So this is what it comes down to

I went to see my dietitian last week and ended up screwing up the beginnings of a good friendship. I could say it wasn't my fault but I was partially at fault. I forgot to prepare adequately. I have her address and phone number in my email but I forgot to write it down. I got back in Peterborough from Lakefield by 2PM as I expected to, I was to meet her at 2:30pm but I didn't have the information I needed. I was waiting for the bus, I had time so I went to the drug store to refill a prescription then walked back to the bus terminal. Since I didn't have her number or her address I decided I would go home and call her to let her know what was happening except that I didn't.

When I got home the house was in an uproar because my daughter & SIL had been refused their marriage license and they were freaking out which was upsetting GS#2. He acted out and was sent upstairs to me while his dad called the JP office to find out what they could do. I found my friends number but my SIL was on the phone and I had my hands full with GS#2 so I couldn't call. After my SIL got off the phone I was going to call but I didn't realize he was done until the phone rang and it was my friend who was understandably upset. I apologized and tried to explain but I was feeling very harassed by GS#2 so I spoke quickly & sharply to her. I was a victim of circumstance and I explained it but I haven't heard from her since nor have I called. I had things I had to act on, homework from the dietitian & the doctor for my health and well being.

Am I sorry this happened? Of course I am but at the same time I feel it is unfair to be angry at me for not calling or emailing one time while she has left me hanging around several times. I am conscientious and always try to give some notice when I can't do something but it isn't always easy and it doesn't happen often that I fail to do this but it does happen.

I am tired of being alone & lonely but at the same time I refuse to compromise my own values and goals. I need to know that I can trust a person understands my mental state and makes allowances for it. I do not take advantage of people but sometimes I fail to abide by the rules of good conduct. I will miss meetings but I always have a reason and I nearly always let the person I'm meeting know about it.

Anyway so I am distressed mentally and I watched myself this past weekend scarf down a whole bag of chocolate easter eggs and half a bag of jelly rabbits. Until that moment I would not have said that I was a stress eater or addicted to sugar but I fear both of these things are true and now I need to deal with them. Or else... The doctor made the last or else very clear the last time I saw him. Lose 10% minimum of your body weight or next year you will jabbing yourself every day to test your blood sugar. The year after that you will be taking insulin every day. Just 10% 22.5 lbs that's it, easy peasy you think...maybe.

I do not think it is so easy peasy at all. I wake up in the morning stiff & sore. I eat and take my meds about an hour after I take my meds I begin to feel spinning head tired. I am obviously taking a pill I should take before bed in the morning but I am not sure which one. I fight it as long as I can but by 10 or 11 I go to bed. What do I do between the time I wake up and the time I lay down for a nap? Read mostly, write this blog, work on my fitness plan, play a game on facebook. Very little physical movement even though I have a dog who loves to walk on her leash, a shit-ton of exercise music & videos and a membership to the local YMCA. Lots of opportunity but even the threat of insulin dependent diabetes doesn't seem to be enough motivation to move more.

I have even been working on a reward system but so far nothing has worked. I need to know why I am not making the effort. I still think it is a slow method of suicide and if this is so then I really need to get a handle on it and get it going, going gone.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Post Cleaning Blues

It never stays clean long. I had my space neat and tidy then along came my grandsons and now it is a mess of toys, ripped paper and other debris. On top of that all the dishes I had clean are dirty again. Of course it doesn't help that the professor is visiting and I just want to focus on him.

Still it is so annoying that a space that can look nearly spotless one day can look an absolute disaster the next day. What is even more annoying is that once upon a time I had a routine that I followed every day but somehow over the last few years I have lost. It involved having a life outside the computer screen which I guess was my greatest addiction/downfall. When they made computers portable, then found a way for me to get one my life changed, drastically.

In my 20's and early 30's I was out and about every day. I had friends I met for coffee or drinks, my house was neat if not exceptionally clean and I was in great physical shape. When I got my first home computer in my mid 30's it was a toy, something to learn and have fun with. I still spent more time out and about then I did in front of that screen. But by my mid-40's that had all changed and the computer and the world inside it had become the centre of my world. I spent far more time online that I spent in real life and now in my early 50's it is my whole world, I have no life outside my computer let alone outside my home. Well I guess that is not completely true I do have one friend and a lot of appointments to go to but before last year there was none of that. I seldom left the house except to do grocery shopping and would have done that from my computer too if I could have afforded to.

Today as I look at 53 and a half years of life and the path I have taken I wonder if I can ever get back to the person I used to be? The one who loved walking and exploring the world with her camera? For just a little while during the cleaning binge I felt a spark of what life used to be like. I took the boys to the park for an hour, then to the convenience store, then back home where they spent a couple of more hours outside in the back yard. I felt alive and happy but it was too soon gone and I am back to my tired, cranky self.

I would like to have that person back but for today I am glad to acknowledge that she exists and that perhaps there is hope for me yet.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Spring Cleaning Frenzy

Fueled by a notice of a house inspection by the landlord, the past four days have been a spring cleaning frenzy in this house. My daughter & SIL have cleaned, & patched every room downstairs and the backyard. My GD#1 and I have been working on our floor, her room & mine being the biggest issues as far as we were concerned. Today she is doing the stairwell and I am doing the bathroom. We have done a small clean on the hall but still need to wipe down the washer & dryer as well as vacuum. I'll do that after I finish the bathroom. I still need to vacuum in my room as well but on top of my cleaning chores I am watching the boys while they clean the carpet downstairs.

Me today!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Feeling the Pain

This is a exercise in streaming thoughts as they occur
My arm hurts actually my whole upper body aches though I think that is because of the tylenol 3 it just doesn't work the same as it used to. My grandson is here and making a lot of noise as usual I swear this 3 yr old never shuts up except when he is asleep stream of conciousness is not easy especially with whats going on in my body today but I'll keep trying. My jaw hurts and i need to do a salt water rinse cause of the tooth I got pulled, my eyes are all sticky and i am having trouble focusing on anythingbloddy hell this isn't going to work todayto much else to think about. Have to clean up the mess in front of my closet, have to wash the walls, need to vacuum the floor, need to clean the bathroom, hall & stairs maybe I just don't know if it is worth it, if he gets mad maybe they will find a cheaper place & I can go live somewhere else I like Kims idea, her mom has her very own house next door to theirs, I would like that. Then the kids could come see me and then I could send them home when I'd had enough. I really need to stop this and get to work on that cleaning but all I really want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. Not good I know it just keeps getting worse, the fatigue. I have very little energy left and I know I still have two days of babysitting. So tired.... I wish I could magic everything done then magic myself somewhere far away, deep in the bush some where so no one would bug me for a long while, course that means if I die it would be a long time before I was found but you know what that doesn't sound as bad to me as it used to. I figure I'll be 55 before I get any semblance of a life of my own.Fed up, worn out and still I know I got two more years of this but I swear come my 55th birthday I am out of here. By then both boys will be in school and I will no longer be needed as a nursemaid. Well I guess I'll get back to life as I know it.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

April 10, 2014

I finished the wrap! Six skeins of purple yarn to make it the length I wanted, I have begun a matching head band and a kerchief from a autumn cotton I've been saving. Somewhere there is a loom with part of an wrap made from the same autumn cotton which I want to finish except that I can't seem to find the loom.

I know you need pictures and I will get some for you as soon as I can.

Today is a Nana School day for GS#2. He has been acting a little odd lately, like he doesn't like me much, not sure what happened, maybe he is just upset because I took his brother to McDonalds the other day. He (GS#2) hasn't been having much luck in the potty training thing, he hasn't pee'd once in the toilet that I have seen but he keeps trying which is more than his brother did. They are both looking forward to Woodbine Centre and the big playground there which is the big prize to celebrate them being fully trained.

GS#1 is still having issues with pooping in the toilet but we are working on it. Soon he will be ready to try sleeping without a diaper as well. He seems motivated enough but like most boys when he is absorbed in something he doesn't want to stop to go to the bathroom so he still has a large number of accidents. Given my belief that he is high functioning Autistic it is not surprising that his ability to focus is on only one thing at a time. Still I keep working on it.

For myself I have finally gotten that broken tooth out and the dentist filled my crooked tooth. I have nine other cavities but I am not that despondent it could have been a lot more given how little care I've been taking of my teeth of late. I have also gotten another extension on my Employment search uhm forgotten the word, any way it means that I only have to job search as I am able

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April 2nd

Well it's official I have lost my voice! This doesn't happen to me very often or at least it didn't used to. This is only the first time this year but last year I lost it twice that I recall. It is quite annoying as while I don't talk much I like the ability to do so. I am not completely mute, thank goddess for small favours, but I can't speak above a whisper. Since this is supposed to be a school day for GS#2 you can understand a bit of my frustration.

Days like today I wish I knew sign language and that they did too. At least then communication would be painless. Even putting Vicks on my throat has not helped and it usually does. Yuk two day old black coffee sucks but I didn't want to make a whole pot just yet. I know I could have just chucked it but I wanted coffee now and it was sitting there.
Fitness wise I am improving a bit but I still have a lot of work ahead of me. Did I tell you about the LDL's apparently I have too many so now I take a cholesterol pill on top of everything else. I think I need to focus on something else ... thinking about the pills waiting for me just makes me sad. I have five prescriptions now plus I take three vitamins and of course my daily allotment of painkillers, at least that is only Tylenol extra strength but I take an average of 6 of them a day just to keep the pain tolerable.

Not mine but pretty close in number
What started out as a simple cold has become a sinus infection of some sort I think ... at least a lot of green gunk keeps coming out when I blow my nose which is roughly every ten minutes. A lot of complaining about my health to day it seems. I do try to avoid talking about stuff other than the depression but sometimes you just have to vent you know.


I had to add a few images to lighten this up hope they helped.



Monday, March 31, 2014

Monday March 31

March is going out like a lamb which bodes well for April, I wish I were doing so well. A number of things have come up that I am working through.

With the warm weather finally arriving I have had a small renewal of energy though I woke up with a miserable cold this morning. Yesterday it was just a runny nose and I figured it would go away. It didn't it added a sore throat to itself and gritty eyes. I should after 30 years of this be ready for my annual Spring cold but I never am. And this will happen again in October when the fall/winter change begins, I won't be ready for it then either.

I am reorganizing my room again, I had to, that bed in the middle of the floor is just not comfortable for me. I am also pissed off with the pile of stuff that is still sitting in front of my closet after a year and one truckload of stuff given away or thrown out. I do not know how come I have so much stuff, though I guess part of it is because though I downsize every year I keep getting new stuff. Never as much as I got rid of but still a fair amount.

I have considered getting rid of all of the magazines and stuff that I have been collecting for journalling but I always decide that I might need them. I suppose if I got in the habit of actually using them before going to paint, crayons and coloured pencils I would use them up quickly but I always think of art in terms of paint first, paper after. Yes journalling is equivalent to art in my head and My journal holds both.

Been thinking about other things too, like the portable kitchen idea, it is still not a for sure because want I want to do has never been done before in the size I'm thinking about at least not that I have been able to find.


I found this idea at Giggleberry Creations. It is made from an old TV cabinet which would be just about the right size for my room and for me since I am just a bit over 5 feet tall.  I have a 4' fridge and a 4' freezer, a smallish microwave and toaster oven as well as an induction hot plate, I just need the framework to put them all in. And I would like a permanent place for my wash basin. I don't have running water but it would be neat and tidy. About the only thing this kitchen needs for it to be perfect for me is a bit of counter space which depending on the type of TV cabinet it is could be easily accomplished. I just need to find an old TV cabinet and some money to get the wood I need to finish it. Oh yeah and the energy to do it. This is the most viable option I have found.



Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Today is ...

Today is bright, cause the sun is shining
Today is cold, cause there is snow still
Today is sad, I'm in pain
Today is glad, GS # 1 is nearly potty trained

Today is all of those things and more, a present that I do not appreciate, can not appreciate because of all of the worries I carry from the past and the future. Does that make any sense to you? If I only have today then why do I allow myself to be bogged down by all the maybe's.


When I first heard about treating today as the present it is, I thought about it. I wondered what kind of person could leave the past behind and not worry about the things yet to come? I have real trouble being present in the moment, even though I know this moment will never come again.


And while this quote speaks to me in many ways still I find myself lost in the sadness and anger of the past and the worry about what comes next, plus remembering all of those appointments hurts this old head. It is a riddle I would like to solve except I think the only way to solve it would to lose my memories completely.

Rising in the morning gets harder as I get older though I remember that the older my dad got the earlier he woke up, I guess I just haven't reached that point yet. Though I feel old I am in truth just barely past middle age.

I think the teens and the fifty's are both a major time of change in our lives and I am the equivalent to a fourteen year old this year, which means I have at least thirteen more years to go before I get sane and sensible again. Laugh if you like, I certainly am!

Mother Nature is one tricky bitch. She gives women 10 years for fun, 40 years of misery and then 20 years recovering our sense of humour and relearning to have fun followed by 20 years or so of returning to our helpless infant self. It sucks that we spend our best years wearing ourselves out so that by the time we are able to take time for ourselves we are too tired to do anything.

Okay that was a unexpected rant but true enough, I do not like being this age, the age where I should finally be having some fun on my own terms except that I can't cause after menopause Mother Nature took my body and twisted it all up so I can't do anything much except write and sleep.



Monday, March 17, 2014

March 17, 2014


My friend Sandra Aubrey created this Art piece. It shows an image similar to the one in my head. Though she has used slit paper, it could just as easily be a glass wall or a peep hole in a brick wall. What it reminds me of is the separation I feel from the so called "normal" world. I see eyes looking through a barrier the rest of the person can not breech, looking on as the world moves by. That is how I feel most of the time! Thank you Sandra for creating an image that speaks for me!!!!

Regarding my holiday, it was every bit as much fun as I thought it would be, I have not had time to process all of the images yet but as soon as I do I'll share a few with you. Chinatown on Spadina in Toronto is not a bustling as I remember but I suspect that was because of the cold, Kensington is still a super place to explore. I found a place that has the coolest embroidered pants and I would love to go back as well as several other stores with international overtones. I only photographed one of the Murals there but that is because we spent so much time in China town. We had a sushi treat every night we were there, I love having a proper oriental grocery store nearby, and I finally got to find out what all the fuss was about Menchies. Super Cool!

The weekend at Great Wolf was fun but terribly expensive, if you want to go make sure you have at least $2000 available on your credit card. Mind you it is worth it. The Niagara Village strip is not far away and we got to go to Louis Tussards Wax works and to Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum of Oddities. Both are definitely worth the visit. We also found a place the specializes in Egyptian Cotton , I found a very comfortable pair of pants there. It's a bit expensive but well worth it! And last but not least we found a place that does real crepes and they make an excellent light lunch or a super sweet treat. Best of all you get to see the whole process!

I'll process the photo's and share a few with you within the next coupla days!



Friday, March 7, 2014

March 7th 2014

I'm off to the Big Smoke for a week, spending some time away from the GS's an a bit of time with my guy.

On the Agenda is a trip to Chinatown and Kensington Market, a trip to Ikea for some mini kitchen ideas, a trip to Ripley's beleive it or not aquarium(we hope), a trip to Dixie Value Mall and to the basket wholesalers winding up with a trip to Great Wolf Lodge. It is going to be a busy seven days!.

My camera battery is charged and I am sure I will have a lot of interesting Photos for you. I will try to check in during the week but if not know that on the 17th I will have a lot to share!

A friend recently shared some of her art with me, I am hoping she will let me share with you.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Pinterest - Frozen


I haven't seen this movie but as I was looking through the latest pins on Pinterest I loved the way the words made a strong message and the images tell a whole story. I have not been able to find it's source, the link for the poster just takes me to my twitter page. It has made me want to see the movie for myself, which I will as soon as I can.